Crazy Guy Claims the Arch Can Control the Weather

I think we all can agree the St. Louis’ monument the Gateway Arch certainly has some special powers. For example it’s pretty clear that thing is some how a super magnet for attracting street crime, crappy hockey goalies and cheesy tourist calendar photographers, but maybe there’s something else going on there… The St. Louis Arch, a 636 ft. monument on the west bank of the Mississippi River, has stood for nearly forty years. [Read More]

The Jersey School District Hates Colored Hair, Might Be Pro-Cancer

Those two school yard terrorists are a distracting menace and must be stopped. Thank goodness the Jersey School District acted so quickly upon seeing what these deranged sickos had done to their hair. Seriously! Who dyes their hair a non-standard color? How did they even do it?! This is the first we’re hearing of any such ability to change hair color! The superintendent says colorful hair is against the rules. [Read More]

High School Summer Camp “Pranked” With Pot Brownies

A summer band camp in O’Fallon, IL is being investigated after a complaint that marijuana-laced brownies were given out as a prank. To us, this “prank” sounds like a way to waste your pot on a bunch of band geeks, but maybe there’s one of those overly hot ones these guys really wanted to see if they could get her high and…have her blow your woodwinds if you get what we’re putting down. [Read More]

Kirkwood Lady Thinks Spending Nearly A Thousand Dollars on a Banner Made a Difference

The United States government is having a rough go of it lately and someone needed to do something! Someone needed to step up, be a leader and fill that emptiness we all seem to be carrying around these days! Who’s it going to be? Show us a sign! At about 11:30 AM on Tuesday, a plane flew by the S&P offices in New York dragging a banner behind it saying: “THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. [Read More]

Collinsville Police Chief Takes Stand Against Pants Sagging Law

Everyone jumped on the story a few weeks ago about Collinsville banning sagging pants because it’s a stupid law that either won’t be enforced, or will be enforced until the cops get tired of looking like assholes writing tickets to some beltless kid. You know who agrees with this assessment? The Collinsville Police Chief. [P]olice Chief Scott Williams told Knabel and City Council members that he’s fundamentally opposed to the new law, which makes wearing pants 3 inches below the hips illegal. [Read More]

St. Charles County Home to World’s Best Mom

Kelli Horton (right) is the coolest mom ever! First, she took her kids for a car ride, then to McDonald’s for lunch, and then she let them play in the play area for as long as they wanted! Dude, that must have been the best day ever! Mom, can we get ice cream too? Mom…? A St. Charles County woman was arrested at a McDonald’s on Highway 94 Tuesday after leaving her children in a play area while she took heroin in the bathroom, police say. [Read More]

Trucker Spills Acid in Two Towns Along I-44

A tanker truck was rumbling down I-44 Friday night leaking sulfuric acid on to the street which is a problem because it turns out that stuff is bad for you. Witness say a tractor trailer was leaking fluids while driving down the highway. Officials were notified, and an officer stopped the vehicle around 7:30p.m. Obviously, emergency crews had to shut down the highway as well as rush the officer who stopped the truck to the hospital after he got sick from inhaling the fumes (he’ll be fine). [Read More]

Breaking Down Hillsboro’s Sexy Garage Burglary

It all started out so normally: A man and a woman were burglarizing a home in Hillsboro, Missouri last Sunday, gleefully picking through a selection of power tools and DVD players in the home’s garage, but to say it got weird next doesn’t quite cover it. Here’s where the train came off the tracks and drove directly in to a tanker truck of crazy, causing a massive WTF explosion: First, the felonious couple decided they needed to have sex. [Read More]

St. Charles Man Exposes Himself at Pool Twice This Month

A St. Charles man has been arrested after he exposed himself to the patrons at Wapelhorst Park pool Tuesday. The St. Charles County man, 53, pulled down his swimsuit, exposing his buttocks and genitals about 1 p.m. at the park’s public pool in the 1900 block of Muegge Road, police said. Several other customers, including children and seniors, were using the pool at the time. We’ll give him credit for being confident enough to stare a public shrinkage viewing the face and still decide to go through with a plan, but maybe there’s a better way to go about drying off your winkie dink. [Read More]

Southwest Airlines Pilot on Flight Attendants: “…just a continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes”

A Southwest Airlines pilot has been indefinitely suspended after his tirade on the current state of airline flight attendants. The full audio is embedded below and it’s definitely offensive and NSFW, which is why we posted it on a Friday because, it’s fun to do wacky stuff on Fridays like wear Hawaiian shirts or go up to that new chick in accounting and throw a few double entendres her direction to see how she handles herself. [Read More]