O’Fallon, Illinois’ Water is Stinky

The fine folks of O’Fallon, Illinois have noticed something a little weird about their tap water recently: It stinks. Not “stinks” like it tastes bad, but “stinks” as in it smells like an elephant’s vagina that was packed with garlic cream cheese three days ago. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad…or maybe it is…honestly we’ve never smelled either. We could have nailed our stink description completely, but we’ll hopefully never know. [Read More]

The New Menards Store in O’Fallon Ain’t Gonna Happen, Damn You Obama!

Got dang Obama! He took our Menards! Seriously. The plans for a new O’Fallon, Missouri Menards store are kaput, and according to the Menards press release, you can thank President Obama for that. Clearly the President hates you, guy that already hatest him, and thinks you already have plenty of camouflage jackets. It was a big part of his campaign. We’re surprised you missed the “Jerry has too much camo, and that bright hunter orange looks horrible on him. [Read More]

Pedro Chavez is a Determined Molester

Your parents always told you to never give up on chasing your dreams, and while that’s a nice thought, applying that has a blanket statement to all dreams isn’t a great idea. Take Pedro Chavez of O’Fallon, MO (right). His dream was to molest a 13 year old girl, and sadly, he didn’t stop chasing it until the police arrived. A man from O’Fallon, Mo., faces felony charges after police said he attempted to molest a thirteen-year-old girl, left her apartment, and then reentered the apartment and tried to molest her again. [Read More]

KMOV Reporter Watches Grass Grow in O’Fallon

KMOV’s Brian Feldman, digging deep: The current ordinance says on lots less than two acres, grass cannot exceed eight inches. But on some commercial lots, it may be getting longer than that. The city council of O’Fallon is going to take a look at making the restrictions much tighter. In our mind’s eye, Feldman did this interview while wearing one of those little brown fedoras with a press pass tucked in to the band while scribbling away on a little note pad. [Read More]

Tough Angry Biker Guy: 0; Old Man With Semi-Automatic Weapon: 1

At least two people have been killed in East St. Louis shootings over the long weekend that started with a “Stop the Violence” rally, but if you think that’s news then we should also tell you about the Cubs being horrible and how Taco Bell makes us poop. What is a little more news like is that a man was shot today on an overpass after what appears to be a “road rage” incident…and it happened deep in St. [Read More]

(Updated) Naked O’Fallon Man Bit a Police Officer’s Face

Update from 11:30am below. A 21 year-old O’Fallon man has been arrested after doing the following: Beating a 29-year old woman with a “medieval weapon” Being naked in public. Living in a trailer park.* Trying to reach for an officer’s gun. Actually stealing the officer’s stun gun. Hitting the officer with the stun gun. Most likely grazing someone with his junk while all this naked movement was happening. 8. Bitting the officer in the face. [Read More]

Guy Claims He Was Car Jacked on Highway K, Police Immediately Call Him a Liar

An O’Fallon man is facing charges that include filing a false police report and leaving the scene of an accident, all because he’s a big pussy who’s afraid of his wife. The accident happened Tuesday night near the intersection of Weldon Spring and Highway K, just outside the O’Fallon, Missouri city limits. St. Charles County Sheriff’s Deputies said the man wrecked his car and then reported that he had been carjacked. [Read More]

O’Fallon Man Got Busted For Being Internet Perv

Robert Stevens, a 34 year old man from O’Fallon, Missouri, was charged with five counts of being a total perv after exposing himself to teenage girls on the internet. A St. Charles Sheriff’s Department detective wrote in court documents that in September, Stevens opened five separate user accounts on the social networking site myYearbook. The website captured the images of Stevens exposing himself and notified authorities. The default settings to communicate via webcam to other users was set so that Stevens could communicate with 13 to 17-year-old girls, the detective wrote. [Read More]

High School Summer Camp “Pranked” With Pot Brownies

A summer band camp in O’Fallon, IL is being investigated after a complaint that marijuana-laced brownies were given out as a prank. To us, this “prank” sounds like a way to waste your pot on a bunch of band geeks, but maybe there’s one of those overly hot ones these guys really wanted to see if they could get her high and…have her blow your woodwinds if you get what we’re putting down. [Read More]

O’Fallon Police Finger the Fingerer Named Finger For Child Molestation

O’Fallon, MO police have taken Robert Finger in to custody and charged him with two counts of statutory sodomy and one count of attempted child molestation. …and yeah, this (alleged) child molester’s name is Finger. Also, that picture on the right isn’t a sketch we made of what the classic molester guy looks like, that’s Mr. Finger himself. …oh and one more little thing: Prosecutors said Finger had a prior sex offense in Tennessee but had not registered as a sex offender in Missouri despite living here for about four years. [Read More]