So I popped on to KSDK.com today. I just had a totally random thought to check in on how things are going in St. Louis, and I knew I didn’t want to deal with the pop-up ad, video autoplay hellscape that is STLToday’s business model violently dying like when they put the T2000 in the molten steel at the end of “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I loaded up KSDK.com and I found that you’re all dead. All of you. Dead dead dead…except the intern who posts stuff to KSDK.com, but does that count as life?

Being too drunk is usually a problem but sometimes, particularly in St. Louis, it’s a great thing. For example, it’s the only way to get really excited about going to City Diner. It makes you completely unaware of stabbings, and not in just the Dateline Mystery “No, I don’t remember stabbing my wife…” kind of way.

Police are investigating the possible stabbing of a middle-aged man after his sister noticed several lacerations on his body Saturday night.

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An 18-year-old man checked himself in to the Franklin County jail to serve his 30-day sentence, but he came with a little extra luggage…duct taped and tucked in to his ass. Here’s a hint as to what the tried to smuggle in: It wasn’t a sandwich, which is too bad because a sandwich sounds like a great thing to smuggle in. Just go with one of those stinkier cheeses and you probably won’t even notice the ass taste.

“Oh Punching Kitty! You guys are always so down on St. Louis, but this headline is the worst yet. You know full well that you can stop in St. Louis and you won’t get robbed! This is a huge important city with lots of food trucks, and yes there is crime, but it’s not nearly as bad as you make it out to be! Why don’t you do positive stories about St. Louis, like how we have food trucks, or how awesome it is to sit at a coffee shop you’ve never heard of in South St. Louis that I think is cool because old black people walk by and it makes me feel less like the rich white kid who pays extra for this vintage plaid shirt that I always roll up the sleeves on even though its cold.”

Another man was gunned down at a MetroLink station last Friday, but lets not focus on that says a MetroLink spokesman, lets focus on all the times people don’t die! Pay no attention to the woefully inadequate security guard, security is fine!

Metro officials say they spend millions each year on security, with dispatchers monitoring all 37 platforms all day and night.

Quoting how much you spend each year isn’t a good defense to the argument that security sucks…it just proves you wasted a lot of money during the suckage.

No one would have thought a “casual” date request on Craigslist could go so wrong, but here we are. Hell must have frozen over at this point, or maybe Lindsay Lohan finally told someone “No, I don’t think it will fit in there,” because if a Craigslist arranged date has gone awry the world is clearly on it’s head.

You picking up the sarcasm?

Good.

[A] man told St. Peters Police he placed an ad on Craigslist for a casual date that entailed dinner and a movie.

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On Friday we spread the link of our two year old pre-Mardi Gras coverage entitled: “Dos and Don’ts for you Mardi Gras Weekend” It’s a classic, which is kinda why we stopped covering Mardi Gras, but this year we slipped up. While we thought somethings were obvious, we should have added a new “Don’t”. Specifically: “Don’t: Point Your Gun at Police Officers.”

“I was never scared, but I was just shocked that I had just seen that, with as many shots and as much blood as there was,” he said. “At that time of day in that part of Soulard in the middle of Mardi Gras, that was the last thing I thought I was going to see.”

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David Lee Sperry was charged yesterday in the murder of Kenneth Ray Vaughn, who was found dead on January 10th after being shot in the head and set on fire. He also had no relation to singer Stevie Ray Vaughn but clearly didn’t mind the questions enough to stop using his middle name of Ray, but also didn’t go all the way by calling himself Kenny Ray Vaughn…but maybe he did because they always use your full name after your dead, like all of a sudden your own personal name preferences don’t count. It’s the worst thing about dying, probably. Well not for Kenneth. He was shot and then burned by a guy that looks like a zombie Art Garfunkel (right)…not current bald Art Garfunkel, but if Art Garfunkel from the 70’s was turned in to a zombie. …What? You don’t like that reference? You think it’s a stretch?! That may be, but don’t start thinking you’re special living in a world where zombie jokes are cool, but they cross the line at time travel?! F*ck you. You try thinking of 1,982 different ways of making a guy getting killed in to a funny joke! Take it from us buddy, eventually you’d get to a point where zombie oldies references seem like a pretty good idea!

We’ll say this for McCluer North High School, when you’ve got visiting adults dropping a beat down in the hall way, they sure take their freshmen hazing to the next level.

[Three] women were reportedly at the school to take a female student, a relative of theirs, out for lunch.

According to security footage, the women were walking toward their relative when she got into a fight with a freshman student.

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Police are looking for a man who robbed the Creve Coeur Dollar Store because it would seem this guy wanted to go through all the trouble and danger of robbing someone, but really only needed some walkin’ around money. Maybe so see a movie, get some popcorn and put some Milk Duds in there.

Police said two employees were counting cash in the back office of the Dollar Tree Store in the 12530 block of Olive when a man approached and demanded money.

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