Crazy Guy Claims the Arch Can Control the Weather

I think we all can agree the St. Louis’ monument the Gateway Arch certainly has some special powers. For example it’s pretty clear that thing is some how a super magnet for attracting street crime, crappy hockey goalies and cheesy tourist calendar photographers, but maybe there’s something else going on there…

The St. Louis Arch, a 636 ft. monument on the west bank of the Mississippi River, has stood for nearly forty years. It is a shining monument built to convey St. Louis’s role as the Gateway to the West. Only now has the reason for its construction as well as its true purpose been revealed.  It seems that some of the same scientists responsible for the doomsday weapon research in the deserts of the Southwest U.S. during the forties, were also interested in controlling the weather. They hoped to use weather control as a means to aid in troop movement and logistics for the Allies, as well as use it as a tactical weapon against the enemy. This, they hoped, would bring about a quick end to the war in Europe.

Thus, the design for the arch was conceived.

Ok, lets just slow it down here for a second there crazy. The government wanted to win World War II, so they decided the best way to do that was to:

  1. Control the weather… (No one likes to march in the rain!)

  2. …and they decided to build their weather controlling machine in the middle of the continental United States, instead of anywhere near Europe…

  3. …and they decided to build it 20 years after World War II had ended?


Well this all checks out, so lets see what proof Professor Screwball has of our local weather manipulation device actually doing anything.

As storms roll across the plains of North America they cut a path of destruction. The midwest has a notorious reputation for severe and dangerous weather. Powerful thunderstorms, tornadoes, and severe ice and snowstorms pummel the area year round. But, for some odd reason, as these storm systems approach the St. Louis metro area; they seem to “split” in half. One half of the storm system will move to the north, while the other half will move the opposite direction; creating an area in the middle without any severe weather. This area in the middle, you guessed it, the St. Louis metro area. These storms then “rejoin” again over Illinois and Indiana, well past St. Louis.

We’ve had this the whole time and no one thought to turn down the f*cking heat this summer?!

You know what though, we have had a few storms smack around the city a bit. We certainly remember losing power a few times over the last 5 years. Could maybe, this be all bullshit?! Gee, we hope not. Finding something false on the internet could really hurt it’s credibility.

Does this happen every time, you may ask? The answer, put simply, is no.

Ah! Of course!

Obviously the device cannot be used frequently during business hours as many tourists are inside the arch, but also the ‘Powers that be’ use this device at their own discretion so as not to draw too much attention.

Naturally. Plus to activate the weather Arch you’ve got to solve the Pharaoh’s riddle, get past the Black Knight, fight off the giant spider from that creepy Punky Brewster episode, and then turn turn the two keys simultaneously before the cursed skeleton army made up of the 1996 Rams offensive starting lineup is awakened, so it’s just not feasible to active the thing for every little storm. Sorry Lambert Airport, next time you come up here and fight the spider.

So why are we just hearing about this now you might ask? Well…blah blah blah government secrets or something like that we bet.

The government has long since tried to cover up the details on this secret research project.

Nailed it.

To this day, very few people know of the existence of the ‘Weather Control Experiments’ taking place in the Midwest.

How’d you find out? Ah, nevermind. Secrets make the day more fun!

But the next time you watch the weather, pay close attention to the strange weather patterns and movement of storm systems in the St. Louis area.

…except for when nothing special happens, which means no one turned on the Arch that day. Remember that. All of this falls apart if you start thinking there can’t be exceptions, or if you’re not a moron.

Oh but that thing about it attracting crappy hockey goalies to St. Louis is actually true. Look it up.

via Failed and our tipster who protects us from “What the hell am I going to write about?!” storms all the time.