Guy Puts Drugs Up His Ass in Hopes of Future Jail Use

An 18-year-old man checked himself in to the Franklin County jail to serve his 30-day sentence, but he came with a little extra luggage…duct taped and tucked in to his ass. Here’s a hint as to what the tried to smuggle in: It wasn’t a sandwich, which is too bad because a sandwich sounds like a great thing to smuggle in. Just go with one of those stinkier cheeses and you probably won’t even notice the ass taste. [Read More]

Stealing and Trading 2,000 Mice for Heroin is Harder Than You’d Think

Dustin Mass and Matt Haney of St. Charles needed some heroin the other day at 3am, and you can clearly tell from the mugshots above these two dudes are in to heroin. Heroin is a killer, but first it forces you to get a cheap haircut and makes you think that stupid facial hair decisions are awesome ideas you should stick with. Scary stuff. Anyway, what’s the plan? Maybe you wander down by the neighborhood Red Roof Inn and see what’s the see (by “see” we mean “steal”). [Read More]

Heroin Must Make You Hot or Something

Outside air conditioning unit are being stolen all over the Godfrey, Illinois area and police think it might be related to that area’s favorite new hobby: Heroin. The thefts of outdoor units, nearly twenty of them, have taken place in every month since February. …but no one noticed until it got hot? Madison County Sheriff’s Lt. Kris Tharp says the targets are homes and businesses. Brillant! Why bother stealing all those outside air conditioning units on cars and skateboards when “homes and businesses” are right there for the taking? [Read More]

St. Charles County Home to World’s Best Mom

Kelli Horton (right) is the coolest mom ever! First, she took her kids for a car ride, then to McDonald’s for lunch, and then she let them play in the play area for as long as they wanted! Dude, that must have been the best day ever! Mom, can we get ice cream too? Mom…? A St. Charles County woman was arrested at a McDonald’s on Highway 94 Tuesday after leaving her children in a play area while she took heroin in the bathroom, police say. [Read More]