Do Not Stop When You Drive Through St. Louis, You Will Get Robbed

“Oh Punching Kitty! You guys are always so down on St. Louis, but this headline is the worst yet. You know full well that you can stop in St. Louis and you won’t get robbed! This is a huge important city with lots of food trucks, and yes there is crime, but it’s not nearly as bad as you make it out to be! Why don’t you do positive stories about St. [Read More]

Merry Christmas Poor St. Louis Kids! Said the Guy That Stole Your Presents

St. John’s Lutheran Church on Morganford has been robbed again, the fourth time in two weeks and the 12th time over the last two years. This time the thieves ran off with a safe, some cash, a bunch of presents, and food bank gifts. The cops would love to stop them, but who knows if they’re going to strike for a 5th time next week, or a 13th time over-all? I mean, who can know something like that? [Read More]

Someone Is Stealing Your Amazon Shipments

The St. Louis Police Department wants to take a moment to remind you that you live in a city so crime-ridden that you can’t even leave packages on your doorstep anymore without them being stolen. In fact, if you see a package on your doorstep, don’t go get it! It’s a probably a trap. When you open it a guy will pop out and stab you. Sure that box looked like it only had a single book it in, but that’s just what they wanted you to think. [Read More]
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Baron Calmese Jr. is a Huge Butthole

Baron Calmese Jr. is one of those names that make you visualize a guy that wears smoking jackets all day, but this particular Baron Clmese Jr. is actually a total douche butthole…and naturally he’s from St. Louis. Baron Calmese Jr. of the 12100 block of Aragon Avenue was staying with his sister along the 11100 block of Estrada Drive when he asked her if he could borrow some quarters at about 5 p. [Read More]

The Public is a Little Less Safe Tonight Because the Director of Public Safety Got Burglarized

The car of Jerry Lee, the Director of the Missouri Department of Public Safety, was robbedburglarized Sunday morning in Forest Park, netting the thieve one gun, two Department of Public Safety badges and a GPS unit. It’s the GPS unit that really scares us. Everyone in St. Louis has a gun, but this guy’s got a gun and a map. He’ll find whoever he wants to find. Lee, 64, was parked at the Art Museum between 9:45 and 10:45 a. [Read More]

Stealing and Trading 2,000 Mice for Heroin is Harder Than You’d Think

Dustin Mass and Matt Haney of St. Charles needed some heroin the other day at 3am, and you can clearly tell from the mugshots above these two dudes are in to heroin. Heroin is a killer, but first it forces you to get a cheap haircut and makes you think that stupid facial hair decisions are awesome ideas you should stick with. Scary stuff. Anyway, what’s the plan? Maybe you wander down by the neighborhood Red Roof Inn and see what’s the see (by “see” we mean “steal”). [Read More]

A Bunch of Snakes Were Stolen From the Aquarium in the City Museum

St. Louis will never run out of things we want to steal. This time it was snakes from the World Aquarium located inside downtown’s City Museum: One six foot long Boa Constrictor, one five foot long California Kingsnake, a four and a half foot long Dumeril’s Boa and a two foot long Ball Python. 17.5 feet of total snake, at an estimated worth of over 10 thousand bucks! “I think they knew these were high valued animals and they could take these animals and market these animals,” said World Aquarium President Leonard Sonnenschein. [Read More]

Heroin Must Make You Hot or Something

Outside air conditioning unit are being stolen all over the Godfrey, Illinois area and police think it might be related to that area’s favorite new hobby: Heroin. The thefts of outdoor units, nearly twenty of them, have taken place in every month since February. …but no one noticed until it got hot? Madison County Sheriff’s Lt. Kris Tharp says the targets are homes and businesses. Brillant! Why bother stealing all those outside air conditioning units on cars and skateboards when “homes and businesses” are right there for the taking? [Read More]

St. Louis to Replace Metal Street Signs With Cheaper Plastic Ones

Apparently St. Louis has a major issue with people stealing street signs. One theory is people are stealing the metal signs to sell to scrap metal dealers, while our theory is that people are stealing them to put under their shirts for cheap bullet-proof vests. Either way it’s a problem. St. Louis City Streets Department Director Todd Waelterman says with the economy already straining budgets, sign replacement is becoming a problem. [Read More]

Impatient Bank Robber is Impatient

A woman robbed a Commerce Bank in Richmond Heights Tuesday morning…well kinda…not really actually. She ended up taking her note and giving up before she took any money. Turns out that’s just enough to get the cops all mad at you though. The suspect handed a note to the teller indicating she had a gun and demanding money. Apparently she then became impatient because shortly after giving the teller the note, she retrieved her note and left the bank without any money. [Read More]