What the hell had Albert Pujols and Tony LaRussa so spooked in these Getty Image photos from Saturday’s game versus the Kansas City Royals?

A: It was just at that moment that someone realized that the freaking Rod Barajas is currently out-hitting Pujols.

B: They were both just told that the new movie “Beaver” isn’t exactly what they thought it was, and was actually about a crazy old racist actor trying to make a comeback with a puppet, instead of what we all really want to see him do to turn his career around, Air America 2.

Sam Mellinger, Brandon Phillips called. He wants his bit back.

Friday, just before the beginning of the twice-yearly snooze-fest that is the Cardinals playing the Royals, a series that might as well be the World Series to the craptastic (though, admittedly more talented than usual) Kansas City Royals, the Kansas City Star choose to run a link-bait piece ripping St. Louis by Sam Mellinger. It really wasn’t all that original, and frankly was kinda sad since their St. Louis counterpart ran a piece begging it’s readers to not hate the Royals, but feel sorry for them. Good for the Post Dispatch! Largely ignoring a hollow attempt at comedy and instead ask for pitty for the very nice, but clearly lesser, of the two Missouri cities. Don’t play their game and stay right there on the classy side of the moral ground.

We’re loving all the Cardinals vs Reds stuff over the past year. It has real potential to get good rather than that stupid “We just respect each other too much.” rivalry with the Astros a few years back. The problem is that Tony LaRussa and Walt Jocketty are still buddies and that friendship is really holding this whole thing back.

Take this recent business with the Cincinnati radio station doing a contest bit making fun of LaRussa’s on-going spat with shingles.

Ryan Theriot, the solid bench player that was scrappy enough to convince Tony LaRussa to give him a starting job. The facts are, 1. He’s really a pretty piss poor shortstop. 2. His jersey gets dirty. 3. He’s really really bad at talking to the press.

Post Dispatch’s Bernie Miklasz describes Theriot’s latest flub:

Theriot may be in for some jeering when he returns to St. Louis after joining in on the fun on a Chicago sports-talk show (ESPN 1000).

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The Cardinals haven’t had a game broadcast by the fat, large-foreheaded, bad-suited ESPN figure-head Chris Berman in a while, and even though Mike Shannon tries his best to ruin the Cardinal radio broadcasts, (He’s like your crazy uncle everyone thinks is cute when he hugs your girlfriend for too long and moans.) Berman ruins the name of your favorite players like no one in the business. In the meantime, we can only pretend by making up long-form nicknames.

Well, you’re chin is the last place we would look for more pitching ability and apparently Ryan Franklin has finally reached that point, shaving of his famous goatee.

So that’s how we’re going to play it this year huh Franklin? Times get tough and you lop off trademark-able facial hair? (ahem) We wouldn’t do it. Maybe we were fans of the Oklahoma Sooners (just an example) and whenever they had a bad game would we’d go out an shave the mane off the mascot? We don’t stand out there on the sidelines telling them to shave something to see if that will help them suck less!

Pop Senario Quiz: You’re a nice St. Louis girl at the ballgame in your Molina jersey and your matching red shoes, and as you’re leaving, you see a guy passed out on the street…who also happens to be a Pirates fan…who also happens to have pissed himself. What does a nice young lady of St. Louis do?

A: Help the gentleman up, and get him to a cab.

B: Take his wallet. Pirate fan money buys meth just as well as money from people that like good baseball teams!

11 games in to the Cardinals 2010 season and for two prominent Cardinal members we have the following lines:

Ryan Franklin: 9.82 ERA, 1 Save, 4 Earned Runs in 3.2 innings

Albert Pujols: .182 Average, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, in 44 at bats

It’s early of course, but these ugly starts have been over-analyzed already by every sports talking head both in and out of town, but they’re all wrong. Who has the real answer? Well we do of course! Albert could probably adjust his stance a little bit and Franklin needs to keep the ball down but also…this:

When Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa announced that he would return as the St. Louis skipper in 2011, he made the following comment:

You start thinking about goals. I came up with some goals, very specific ones. One of my goals is to have the media feel like I’m more loveable.

Tony was joking. Like really joking it turned out. 5 days in to the 2011 he’s already pulled the “storm out of the press conference bit”. He said it was the reporter’s questions about the donkey-ball sucking offense, but his mood probably soured when he spent the first half of his time trying to get that damn bracelet off! The real question in all of this: Where was Bernie Miklasz on this? Isn’t he defender of all writers, the chosen one that stands up to even the whiniest of “after a loss” Tony LaRussas?

If you’re like us and know all there is to know about whatever the coolest video on the internet is, then you know about the video that was shot on the campus of USC that featured a couple going to town on the roof of a building.  Not super tall building either. You could see stuff…like the dude’s junk, and the un-daddy loved soul of the slutbag that agreed to get bent over on the roof of a building in broad daylight. Apparently there are also popular videos on the internet that don’t involve people having sex, but what’s the point in watching that? Do we have all day to watch the sexy ones and the not sexy ones? Please! You have to draw the line somewhere.