Pujols 5 Restaurant Needed a New Name, but Didn’t Want to Move All the Sports Stuff Out

So now that the dust has settled from that one guy leaving town to play for a different team over a bunch of money because a magic man in the sky told him to go, there are a few loose ends to take care of. Namely what to do about the restaurant that bears his name and has a giant statue of him out front wearing an outdated uniform. Beginning Thursday, February 2, [Pujols 5 restaurant] becomes the “St. [Read More]

One Last Thing On Pujols

We wanted to leave the Pujols news where it was last week and start this week Pujols-free, but this sad attempt to make sure everyone still loves him and his family in St. Louis is beyond pathetic and gave us little choice to really weigh in rather than just post photoshops and videos. “I made a decision. I’m being obedient. I didn’t want to go to a place God didn’t want me to go to. [Read More]

St. Louis Experiences the First Phase of Pujols Grief

As you may have heard yesterday, Albert Pujols, king of St. Louis, chose to leave and play in Los Angeles for $40-ish million extra dollars and a guaranteed 10 year contract. After the news broke, all of us chose to handle the sudden realization that come spring someone else will be playing 1st base and running through Oquendo stop signs at third in different ways. Some took to Facebook, expressing their anger on the Official Albert Pujols fan page: [Read More]

Pujols Likes $30 Million Dollars More Than You

[Editor’s Note: Ok, so we were pretty sure Pujols was going to the Marlins a few days ago when we made this, and then when we went to edit it we realized that the Angels really don’t have a mascot per se…so now you’ve got this. The point is still the same right? Makes sense still…they have fish in California…and they get to be Angels too one would assume. Whatever. Shut up! [Read More]

Pujols’ Agent is a Horrible Person but Loves Hookers

Albert Pujols, the famed Cardinal first baseman, is about to cash in on a monster contract and as you’d imagine that’s just fine with his agent Dan Lozano who could really use that 5% cut to pay off his debts and buy a bunch of hookers to bang. This and oh so much more, is according to Deadspin who received a package in the mail full of nasty, verifiable things that Dan Lozano, the “King of Sleaze Mountain” has done. [Read More]

Happy JC Corcoran Says Pujols Will Re-Sign Today Day!

Update: So it’s now officially Saturday and Pujols is still a free agent. Not because Corcoran was wrong of course, it was probably because this thing, this other thing and what’s his face did that stuff they were thinking about doing and that pushed the whatever back a few whatevers until it’s all ready. Then he’ll be right. You’ll see. Original post below… It’s Friday, and that’s a big deal for another reason other than the fact you get to wear a knit shirt and chinos to work and spring for the beer at TGIFridays during lunch. [Read More]

Pujols Returns!

16 days. That’s how long it takes for a broken wrist to heal. You take any longer than that and you’re just milking it you pussy. That’s not us talking mind you, it’s Albert Pujols and he can do that because he set the bar yesterday miraculously returning to the Cardinals just over two weeks from the day he bashed his wrist against the Royals’ Wilson Betemit. After taking indoor batting practice and fielding grounders outside on Monday, Pujols said there was no pain and added that he felt great. [Read More]

Pujols Contract Season: Totally Going Just Like They Planned It!

Just six months ago everything was coming up Pujols. He was getting offered the big money for his next contract, and he was turing it down for bigger money. His agent, Dan Lozano, was out there telling his client “Hell yeah you should go in to your walk-year without a contract! Think of the money we could be offered on the open market! We’re talking huge money Al! The only thing that could go bad is that you have a bad season, but lucky for us you’ve never had a bad season! [Read More]