Sam Mellinger Smells Like Poop and He Probably Rapes Bunnies

Sam Mellinger, Brandon Phillips called. He wants his bit back.

Friday, just before the beginning of the twice-yearly snooze-fest that is the Cardinals playing the Royals, a series that might as well be the World Series to the craptastic (though, admittedly more talented than usual) Kansas City Royals, the Kansas City Star choose to run a link-bait piece ripping St. Louis by Sam Mellinger. It really wasn’t all that original, and frankly was kinda sad since their St. Louis counterpart ran a piece begging it’s readers to not hate the Royals, but feel sorry for them. Good for the Post Dispatch! Largely ignoring a hollow attempt at comedy and instead ask for pitty for the very nice, but clearly lesser, of the two Missouri cities. Don’t play their game and stay right there on the classy side of the moral ground.

We, however, have never been known to be classy.

Let’s begin.

This series is always a bit more anticipated on this side of Missouri than the one that takes place under that useless Arch,

…as opposed to all the other really super useful monuments around our great nation.

but in the interest of brotherhood and Midwestern kindness, let’s set aside our differences and see how Kansas City stacks up against St. Louis.

Well this ought to be fun, as long as it’s a well-crafted, fair comparison and not some guy clanging jokes because his editor said he needed to get more links to the site.

For instance, neither of us had an NHL playoff team this year, and neither will have Albert Pujols next year.

Maybe, but if so, at least we had Pujols for a while and you had…oh that’s right John Buck. How’d that turn out?

Here are more points of comparison:

Translation: I can’t think of an original way to make fun of them, so instead I’ll make a list of topics and for Kansas City I’ll but detailed answers, and for St. Louis I’ll just keep writing “poop” over and over again. Poop is funny!

Food options

•Kansas City: Much more than just barbecue.

•St. Louis: Basically, just Italian food.

…much more than just barbecue? What else is there? We do hope your right, since the ability to pour sauce on to meat is certainly far too special a talent to master. No way every guy in the nation can do that every summer weekend.


•Kansas City: Employees at Boulevard Brewery invite you to responsibly enjoy a delicious beer.

•St. Louis: Employees at Enterprise Rent-A-Car harass you about buying redundant insurance.

Translation: I needed one more of these. Maybe if I put it towards the top of the list it won’t seem like the worst one.


•Kansas City: Was a well-known mafia hub and hometown of Jesse James a long time ago.

•St. Louis: Passed Camden, N.J., as the most dangerous city in America last year.

Whoa! We didn’t just pass them…we’ve been #1 for a little while now thank you very much.


•Kansas City: Complained as Billy Butler led the league by grounding into 32 double plays last year.

•St. Louis: Pretending that Albert Pujols isn’t on pace to hit into almost 50 double plays this year.

No one’s pretending, we just realize Pujols is having an off year so he can sign a reasonable contract and not have the union all over him about it. It’s brillant really. …right? I mean, he’s not really doing his is he?


•Kansas City: Jason Sudeikis is among a group of natives who are emerging as stars in television and the movies.

•St. Louis: Cedric the Entertainer is among a group of natives who were sort of popular, like, 10 years ago.

We’re totally serious…who the hell is Jason Sudeikis?! Oh, here we go. We can’t believe we didn’t recognize him from that all the movies he wasn’t in, and from his voice work on the other other show that Seth McFarland did on Fox that involves a fat dad, hot wife, a smart ass baby and something that can’t talk, but does.

NFL team

•Kansas City: Still one of the best game-day experiences in the country.

•St. Louis: Still lots of good seats available.

This is like saying your mom makes the best biscuits. No, she doesn’t, you just like your mom.

…ok, we take that back. Chiefs games can be fun. We talked with new Rams offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels and he remembers having a hell of a time there one day. He also said you’re coach was a little whiney bitch.

Baseball manager

•Kansas City: Ned Yost wants you to know the future is coming fast.

•St. Louis: Tony La Russa wants you to know he’s really smart.

Ned Yost keeps saying that so he can keep his job. Warning, you stop believing him about “the future” at around the 5-year mark, right Milwaukee?

Biggest home-game cheers

•Kansas City: Home run by Eric Hosmer.

•St. Louis: Sacrifice bunt by Skip Schumaker.

Oh we get it! You picked the least notable name on the team! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…oh man…ha ha….and then…and then…you pick the most notable name on your team to make the difference as stark as possib…shit dude, is that really the name you chose? What about Beltran…oh right…or Damon? …eeek, sorry. Ok, yeah…go with Hosmer. If you stick with that name for the next year’s St. Louis column it might carry a bit more weight, after that it will probably be weird to keep naming him while he’s playing for the Yankees.

World Series titles after 1982

•Kansas City: One.

•St. Louis: One.

What an odd date to pick! What happens if you pick 1983? Or 1900?

Ok…ok, that’s enough. Yes, it’s was a good attempt by Mellinger to get some attention, even if it was done by doing the old standard comparison routine. He probably got some followers on Twitter over it, and got people to send him hate-mail so he can do the standard “Woah, calm down everybody! Take a joke!” bit so he can then write how “everyone” in St. Louis has no sense of humor. In that regard, it was successful. Hell it even made us want to post something on the weekend!

Next year, drop us a line and we’ll work out a much more original way to do this kind of thing with you. Seriously. Think about it. Here’s a taste: Dueling Tony Pena effigies.

via Kansas