The guy that ran in to the St. Peters church screaming and knocking over people the other day, has blamed all of his actions on fake pot. Yup, fake pot. Had to have been the fake pot. Oh and let us guess, he ran in to the church to get help right?

Police said [Dustin W. Ostmann] told them he had smoked a sythetic marijuana called “Knock Out.” They said frightening hallucinations led him randomly to the church to seek help. Once there, though, he ran screaming through the halls, pushed down a 14-year old, threw a table at a 71-year-old and assaulted a 61-year-old, police said. They said the final assault victim restrained Ostmann.

[Read More]

You really can’t fault a man for executing a perfect plan. Drive up to a church, nearly hitting the building, hop out and run screaming in to the building knocking old people out of the way until the police arrive. Apart from forgetting to lick Jesus’ nipples on the crucifix statue, this plan went off without a hitch!

Officer Melissa Doss, a spokeswoman for St. Peters police, said the man arrested also pushed another person while inside the church, laid hands on a third person and verbally assaulted another.

[Read More]

This is where we would normally ask if you remember the case a few days ago where a US Marshal was killed in the process of trying to take down one Carlos Boles and that since then, there as been a leaked crime scene Boles’ lifeless body leaked to the internet. We would say that, but we know that most of you already know this because people have been coming here in droves to see if we had it. (We didn’t.) But while all of you scoured the internet for a shot of the photo you’d been hearing about, authorities have been searching for who took and released the photo. Total lost cause though right? US Marshals, FBI, St. Louis Police…anyone in any of the groups we just mentioned could have leaked the photo and who’s to say which of those fine, up-standing organizations would have the nerve to leak a graphic crime scene photo in the middle of the investigation…oh god please please please please let it have been the FBI so St. Louis doesn’t come off looking like douche bags again…

“Jesus, he scares the hell out of you”

That’s what was on some Kirkwood Middle Schooler’s shirt the other day, and we can sit down some time over General Mills flavored coffee to discuss the reverse cleverness of that shirt and how it’s, frankly, a rare shot of honesty to claim that Jesus is scaring you in to doing good things, but that is for another day. Today we’re talking about how Kirkwood Middle School wouldn’t let Michelle Ramirez wear that shirt to class. …because it said “hell” right? …or maybe “Jesus”? Not exactly.

Oh moms! They always go too far and end up embarrassing you, like the time that a Belleville mother came home drunk, yelled at her four kids and eventually started chasing them around the house with a knife. Oh and then when the cops came to get her she kicked one right in the balls.

Someone’s sure earning her “Best Mom Ever” sweatshirt this year!

This totally reminds us of our mom who used to be there when we got home, be totally sober, make us dinner and then tuck us in to bed….but no story. What is that crap?! She might as well have chased us with a knife and kicked a cop in the balls. Sure the knife would have had peanut butter on it because she was making us sandwiches for lunch the next day and then write us a little note in there so we’d see it later and know how loved we were, but still, pretty inexcusable. If we didn’t take out all of our aggression and sexual angst on sleeping homeless people, our therapy bills would be huge with that kind of abuse at home.

Oh those crafty folks running St. Louis! Parking tickets are a good revenue stream for the city, but what happens when people aren’t violating parking rules enough? If only we could make them think it was ok to park there and then say it wasn’t so they’d have to give us money?

[ Scene: St. Louis City Budget Meeting]

Mayor Slay: We need more money! The damn cops keep asking for more, we can’t cut any more services, we’re hemorrhaging people and we our plan to dig up and move North St. Louis with 100 helicopters over to Illinois still isn’t a viable option. We need money and you are my best idea men! Go!

Apparently it’s the second half of the Mountain Grove, Missouri (it’s by Springfield) gun safety class that makes the real impact.

Authorities say 63-year-old Glenn Seymour of Mountain Grove died after shooting himself in the chest Saturday at a class in rural Douglas County

Sheriff Chris Degase says witnesses reported that Seymour was injured while trying to take the safety off a Browning semi-automatic 9 mm weapon.

Right after the break they were going to go over the part where you learn to not point the gun at your chest…ever. If only Jerry wouldn’t have brought in so much orange juice we wouldn’t have had to break for the bathroom…no…it’s best not to think about “what if’s”.

It may have looked like Halloween came really early in Park Hills, Missouri Saturday, but it wasn’t, just a bunch of racist dudes in little ghost costumes. For whatever reason Saturday was the day the local KKK decided to get the word out about their organization! …there also may have been a bake sale. None of those “black and white” cookies…just white ones. We’re also guessing a churro was hard to come by.

Doctor, is it a cause for concern if your turds come out screaming while kicking and clawing at your legs? Oh, I see. So your medical opinion is that the reason is needed to go to the bathroom this morning, was not a food baby, but because I was having an actual baby? Interesting. Can I get a second opinion?

Here’s one: You’re also, pretty clearly, retarded.

The Chesterfield police were dispatched after a 911 call reported an “active shooter” on the premises of a local office building. False alarm! The building’s security guard dropped his gun and it shot some guy in the leg.

A security guard dropped his gun this morning and it fired a shot, hitting an employee of an insurance company in the left leg, police say.

[Lt. Steven Lewis of the Chesterfield Police Department] did not identify the 64-year-old security guard, nor did he name the man, 34, who was shot. Lewis said police are still investigating but, as of now, are classifying it as an accidental discharge of the gun.

[Read More]