morons

Oh Sure, Blame the Fake Pot Now

Posted on March 31, 2011 | The Editor

The guy that ran in to the St. Peters church screaming and knocking over people the other day, has blamed all of his actions on fake pot. Yup, fake pot. Had to have been the fake pot. Oh and let us guess, he ran in to the church to get help right? Police said [Dustin W. Ostmann] told them he had smoked a sythetic marijuana called “Knock Out.” They said frightening hallucinations led him randomly to the church to seek help. [Read More]

Take That First Baptist Church of St. Peters!

Posted on March 30, 2011 | The Editor

You really can’t fault a man for executing a perfect plan. Drive up to a church, nearly hitting the building, hop out and run screaming in to the building knocking old people out of the way until the police arrive. Apart from forgetting to lick Jesus’ nipples on the crucifix statue, this plan went off without a hitch! Officer Melissa Doss, a spokeswoman for St. Peters police, said the man arrested also pushed another person while inside the church, laid hands on a third person and verbally assaulted another. [Read More]

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St. Louis Cop Claims Responsibility for Leaked Crime Scene Photo

Posted on March 22, 2011 | The Editor

This is where we would normally ask if you remember the case a few days ago where a US Marshal was killed in the process of trying to take down one Carlos Boles and that since then, there as been a leaked crime scene Boles’ lifeless body leaked to the internet. We would say that, but we know that most of you already know this because people have been coming here in droves to see if we had it. [Read More]

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Kirkwood Middle School Doesn’t Like Hell…or Jesus…Maybe Both

Posted on March 18, 2011 | The Editor

“Jesus, he scares the hell out of you” That’s what was on some Kirkwood Middle Schooler’s shirt the other day, and we can sit down some time over General Mills flavored coffee to discuss the reverse cleverness of that shirt and how it’s, frankly, a rare shot of honesty to claim that Jesus is scaring you in to doing good things, but that is for another day. Today we’re talking about how Kirkwood Middle School wouldn’t let Michelle Ramirez wear that shirt to class. [Read More]

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Belleville Mom Takes a Stab at Mother of the Year

Posted on March 15, 2011 | The Editor

Oh moms! They always go too far and end up embarrassing you, like the time that a Belleville mother came home drunk, yelled at her four kids and eventually started chasing them around the house with a knife. Oh and then when the cops came to get her she kicked one right in the balls. Someone’s sure earning her “Best Mom Ever” sweatshirt this year! This totally reminds us of our mom who used to be there when we got home, be totally sober, make us dinner and then tuck us in to bed…. [Read More]

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The City’s New Revenue Plan: Phantom No Parking Signs

Posted on March 11, 2011 | The Editor

Oh those crafty folks running St. Louis! Parking tickets are a good revenue stream for the city, but what happens when people aren’t violating parking rules enough? If only we could make them think it was ok to park there and then say it wasn’t so they’d have to give us money? [ Scene: St. Louis City Budget Meeting] Mayor Slay: We need more money! The damn cops keep asking for more, we can’t cut any more services, we’re hemorrhaging people and we our plan to dig up and move North St. [Read More]

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Missouri Man Dies During Gun Safety Class

Posted on March 10, 2011 | The Editor

Apparently it’s the second half of the Mountain Grove, Missouri (it’s by Springfield) gun safety class that makes the real impact. Authorities say 63-year-old Glenn Seymour of Mountain Grove died after shooting himself in the chest Saturday at a class in rural Douglas County Sheriff Chris Degase says witnesses reported that Seymour was injured while trying to take the safety off a Browning semi-automatic 9 mm weapon. Right after the break they were going to go over the part where you learn to not point the gun at your chest…ever. [Read More]

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The Park Hills Subway Wasn’t the Most Friendly Place to Be Saturday

Posted on February 22, 2011 | The Editor

It may have looked like Halloween came really early in Park Hills, Missouri Saturday, but it wasn’t, just a bunch of racist dudes in little ghost costumes. For whatever reason Saturday was the day the local KKK decided to get the word out about their organization! …there also may have been a bake sale. None of those “black and white” cookies…just white ones. We’re also guessing a churro was hard to come by. [Read More]

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Woman Who Didn’t Know She Was Pregnant, Gives Birth. New Baby Immediately the Smartest in the Family.

Posted on February 11, 2011 | The Editor

Doctor, is it a cause for concern if your turds come out screaming while kicking and clawing at your legs? Oh, I see. So your medical opinion is that the reason is needed to go to the bathroom this morning, was not a food baby, but because I was having an actual baby? Interesting. Can I get a second opinion? Here’s one: You’re also, pretty clearly, retarded. No joking. That actually happened yesterday morning. [Read More]

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This is Probably Why Security Guards Just Carry Flashlights

Posted on February 4, 2011 | The Editor

The Chesterfield police were dispatched after a 911 call reported an “active shooter” on the premises of a local office building. False alarm! The building’s security guard dropped his gun and it shot some guy in the leg. A security guard dropped his gun this morning and it fired a shot, hitting an employee of an insurance company in the left leg, police say. [Lt. Steven Lewis of the Chesterfield Police Department] did not identify the 64-year-old security guard, nor did he name the man, 34, who was shot. [Read More]

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