Lindenwood University Can’t Have Nice Things

 Posted on January 10, 2012  |  The Editor

Lindenwood University’s Belleville campus used to have a statue in anchored near the Welcome Center, but that statue was stolen because it’s St. Louis, and even weird statues anchored in concrete are no longer safe. Investigators are trying to get to the bottom of an art heist in Belleville. Not quite sure this counts as an “art heist”. We we think of art heists, we’re assuming an elaborate scheme to steal a Mona Lisa-type piece, and involve at least one hacker, one super hot chick, a smooth leader and one black dude to be the one that has to start a distraction when the shit goes down…not two assholes walking straight to it at 2:30am, pushing it over, throwing it in a ditch and then coming back for it with their truck. [Read More]
belleville  lindenwood  statue  theft 

Flow Chart Friday: Should I Shoot That Guy Over There?

 Posted on January 6, 2012  |  The Editor

It’s a question that pops in to the heads of many a St. Louis area resident: “Should I should that guy over there?” It’s not always an easy question, so going forward, use this handy flow chart to decide. The original version had a part where it asked if you were from a drug-addled neighborhood in North City, and if so, proceed directly to “Shoot him!” but we took it out because if people from drug-addled neighborhoods in North City can’t read, so there’s really no point. [Read More]
flow chart  shooting 

Teachers’ Aide Busted (Twice) For Molesting Disabled Kids

 Posted on January 4, 2012  |  The Editor

John Cuneo a 66 year-old teaching assistant at Sigel Elementary School was busted for molesting a mentally disabled child…and then probably molesting one more minutes later. …a maybe even accidentally molesting a few more, because to do something as brazen as this buttwipe did, you’re balls would have to be so big that incidental contact while walking the halls seems unavoidable. Here’s the short version: A fellow school employee walks in a room to find Cuneo taking the boy’s hand and placing on his penis. [Read More]
molestation  pervert  sigel elementary 

Some Fat Kid in Wig Tried to Steal a Bunch of Pork Products From the Alton Shop N Save

 Posted on January 3, 2012  |  The Editor

The 19-year old pictured above wearing his awesome wig, Darrion Taylor, was recently apprehended at the Alton Shop ‘N Save by the store’s security guard and his off-duty policeman father who was visiting the store that the time. Taylor was trying to sneak out the following pork products totaling roughly $44 dollars: 2 packages of Pork Picnic Roast 2 packages of bacon 2 packages of Oreos 1 box of Peanut Butter Puffs cereal 1 package of “meat” 1 package of port shanks 1 package of Bar-S Jumbo Franks From the looks of it also appears homeboy was smuggling a few hams in his shirt, but he may have had them already as KSDK didn’t list them in the oddly intricate details they provided for some reason. [Read More]
alton  shop n save  theft 

Sure He Kidnapped You and Tried to Steal Your Money, But How Can You Be Mad at a Guy With a Smile Like That?

 Posted on January 2, 2012  |  The Editor

The jovial fellow above is on Gabriel Williams, who has been charged with multiple burglary, robbery, kidnapping and weapons charges after a New Years Eve crime spree that involved kidnapping a Clayton couple and driving them to the nearby Schnucks to they could cash a check for him. According to police, two suspects approached a man Saturday as he did yard work at his home in the 50 block of Arundel, in Clayton’s Demun neighborhood. [Read More]
clayton  kidnapping  robbery 

Stolen Tow Truck Used to Rob Family Dollar Store

 Posted on December 27, 2011  |  The Editor

Apparently there is something in a Family Dollar store than has some value: The safe. Thieves used a tow truck to yank a large safe from a Family Dollar store early Monday morning, police said. Police said it was unknown how much money was in the safe. We’re betting is was mostly dollar bills, half of which were wadded up and probably wet for some reason. The other half smelled like menthol sadness. [Read More]
family dollar  south city 

Welcome to St. Louis: We Rob Nuns Here

 Posted on December 21, 2011  |  The Editor

So it’s come to this. We’re robbing nuns now. St. Louis thugs, clearly running out of regular folks to terrorize within the city limits have decided to start going after the formally untouchable: Nuns. Yup, totally beating up and robbing nuns now. Watch your back babies, kittens and Rams QB Sam Bradford. You’re just as cute and harmless as you’ve always been, but apparently a lot closer to fair game than you’d think. [Read More]
central west end  nun  robbery 

KMOV Refuses to Say The South City Peeping Tom Was Masturbating

 Posted on December 20, 2011  |  The Editor

There’s a “Peeping Tom” terrorizing South City neighborhoods creeping outside people’s windows and hanging out in alleys furiously jacking it. Even worse, he’s dying for that eye-contact. The man has been spotted several times in the 7600 block of Virginia Street performing a solo sex act. Residents say the man would stand outside people’s windows performing a sex act on himself, and those residents say has been happening for weeks. [Read More]
peeping tom  sextastic  south city 

Some Little Bitch Tried to Steal From a One-Legged Old Lady

 Posted on December 19, 2011  |  The Editor

Watch out everyone! Tough guy coming through! Brandon Welch, 20 (but apparently going on 12 by the looks of that photo) needed some money and he tried real hard to make it the honest way. He wanted to do some yard work, and even asked a whole two times before deciding to just get a mask and go the home invasion route on the only person in St. Louis his little ass thought he could take: A 80 year old lady in a wheelchair because she lost a leg to gangrene. [Read More]
home invasion  south city 

Repeatedly Stabbing Your Mom is No Way to Win an Argument

 Posted on December 14, 2011  |  The Editor

You come home late one night and your mother is waiting for you. You’re a little drunk, but you can play it off and control yourself but screw that! You’re 44 years old and the last thing you want to do is to have this discussion about your drinking again with Mom…but you know you can’t avoid it now. The arguing starts and you’ve been down this road so often you might as well have a script, but tonight’s different. [Read More]
bethalto  edwardsville  illinois  mom  stabbing