Some Fat Kid in Wig Tried to Steal a Bunch of Pork Products From the Alton Shop N Save

The 19-year old pictured above wearing his awesome wig, Darrion Taylor, was recently apprehended at the Alton Shop ‘N Save by the store’s security guard and his off-duty policeman father who was visiting the store that the time. Taylor was trying to sneak out the following pork products totaling roughly $44 dollars: 2 packages of Pork Picnic Roast 2 packages of bacon 2 packages of Oreos 1 box of Peanut Butter Puffs cereal 1 package of “meat” 1 package of port shanks 1 package of Bar-S Jumbo Franks From the looks of it also appears homeboy was smuggling a few hams in his shirt, but he may have had them already as KSDK didn’t list them in the oddly intricate details they provided for some reason. [Read More]

Your Alton Tax Dollars at Work!

It took three firefighters to disloge this large woman and her motorized wheelchair from the mud when she tried to take her ass through a sloppy field while chasing her dog. The only that would make this photo of three trained firemen lifting her ass out of her chair so they can also carry that to dry land any more amazing would be an orphanage burning down in the background. [Read More]

East Alton Police Find Human Remains in East Alton

Police are investigating the area in East Alton where human remains were found Thursday morning. The crime scene is located at Broadway and Route 3 near QuikTrip. You know those QuikTrip churos look like they might be safe rolling around in that heating rolling thing, but those things…those things should just really be left alone. More than 30 investigators and Cadaver dogs searched the scene where the parts were discovered. [Read More]

Mug Shot: Derp! Me Likey the Kiddies!

Scott Simmons, a 46 year old man from Alton, Illinois has been arrested after “hundreds of files” of kiddie p0rn were found on his computer. KMOV didn’t say how the child pornography was found, but after looking at his mugshot he probably either took it in to a Best Buy to get it fixed and forgot to change his little boy in the Donald Duck outfit wallpaper or simply ran around Alton yelling “Me likey the kiddies! [Read More]

Alton Man Crashes Car in to Ex-Wife’s House, Probably Yelled “Take That Bitch!” While Doing It

William Fry of Alton has been charged with Criminal Damage to Property Over $300 and violating a restraining order. Also, if anyone has a comb…no? That’s alright. Thanks for looking. Authorities say Fry’s ex-wife reported to police that extensive damage was done to her home. She was away from her home when the damage was done. Authorities said the damage appeared to have been done by a vehicle being driven into the home. [Read More]

It’s Raining Toddlers in Alton

Yesterday in Alton, IL a three-year old body walked over to an open second story window with no screen and fell out on to a concrete slab below. A three-year-old boy had to be rushed to the hospital Tuesday afternoon after falling from the second-story window of his family’s apartment. According to Captain Williams of the Alton Fire Department, the incident happened at 1:40 p.m. at an apartment complex in the 300 block of Mitchell Street [Read More]