Crime on PUNCHING KITTY

If You Live in St. Louis, You're Already Dead

Wed, 13 Mar 2024 22:24:55 -0700

So I popped on to KSDK.com today. I just had a totally random thought to check in on how things are going in St. Louis, and I knew I didn’t want to deal with the pop-up ad, video autoplay hellscape that is STLToday’s business model violently dying like when they put the T2000 in the molten steel at the end of “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I loaded up KSDK.com and I found that you’re all dead. All of you. Dead dead dead…except the intern who posts stuff to KSDK.com, but does that count as life?

Doing it Right: Guy Too Drunk to Know He’s Been Stabbed

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 16:30:33 +0000

Being too drunk is usually a problem but sometimes, particularly in St. Louis, it’s a great thing. For example, it’s the only way to get really excited about going to City Diner. It makes you completely unaware of stabbings, and not in just the Dateline Mystery “No, I don’t remember stabbing my wife…” kind of way.

Police are investigating the possible stabbing of a middle-aged man after his sister noticed several lacerations on his body Saturday night.

Guy Puts Drugs Up His Ass in Hopes of Future Jail Use

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 13:00:38 +0000

An 18-year-old man checked himself in to the Franklin County jail to serve his 30-day sentence, but he came with a little extra luggage…duct taped and tucked in to his ass. Here’s a hint as to what the tried to smuggle in: It wasn’t a sandwich, which is too bad because a sandwich sounds like a great thing to smuggle in. Just go with one of those stinkier cheeses and you probably won’t even notice the ass taste.

Do Not Stop When You Drive Through St. Louis, You Will Get Robbed

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 13:00:10 +0000

“Oh Punching Kitty! You guys are always so down on St. Louis, but this headline is the worst yet. You know full well that you can stop in St. Louis and you won’t get robbed! This is a huge important city with lots of food trucks, and yes there is crime, but it’s not nearly as bad as you make it out to be! Why don’t you do positive stories about St. Louis, like how we have food trucks, or how awesome it is to sit at a coffee shop you’ve never heard of in South St. Louis that I think is cool because old black people walk by and it makes me feel less like the rich white kid who pays extra for this vintage plaid shirt that I always roll up the sleeves on even though its cold.”

MetroLink Security: Pay No Attention to the Murders

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 13:00:26 +0000

Another man was gunned down at a MetroLink station last Friday, but lets not focus on that says a MetroLink spokesman, lets focus on all the times people don’t die! Pay no attention to the woefully inadequate security guard, security is fine!

Metro officials say they spend millions each year on security, with dispatchers monitoring all 37 platforms all day and night.

Quoting how much you spend each year isn’t a good defense to the argument that security sucks…it just proves you wasted a lot of money during the suckage.

All Good Relationships Start With a Great Story Like This

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 13:00:41 +0000

No one would have thought a “casual” date request on Craigslist could go so wrong, but here we are. Hell must have frozen over at this point, or maybe Lindsay Lohan finally told someone “No, I don’t think it will fit in there,” because if a Craigslist arranged date has gone awry the world is clearly on it’s head.

You picking up the sarcasm?

Good.

[A] man told St. Peters Police he placed an ad on Craigslist for a casual date that entailed dinner and a movie.

Mardi Gras Was a Blast

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 13:00:13 +0000

On Friday we spread the link of our two year old pre-Mardi Gras coverage entitled: “Dos and Don’ts for you Mardi Gras Weekend” It’s a classic, which is kinda why we stopped covering Mardi Gras, but this year we slipped up. While we thought somethings were obvious, we should have added a new “Don’t”. Specifically: “Don’t: Point Your Gun at Police Officers.”

“I was never scared, but I was just shocked that I had just seen that, with as many shots and as much blood as there was,” he said. “At that time of day in that part of Soulard in the middle of Mardi Gras, that was the last thing I thought I was going to see.”

David Lee Sperry Shot a Guy and then Lit Him on Fire

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 13:00:02 +0000

David Lee Sperry was charged yesterday in the murder of Kenneth Ray Vaughn, who was found dead on January 10th after being shot in the head and set on fire. He also had no relation to singer Stevie Ray Vaughn but clearly didn’t mind the questions enough to stop using his middle name of Ray, but also didn’t go all the way by calling himself Kenny Ray Vaughn…but maybe he did because they always use your full name after your dead, like all of a sudden your own personal name preferences don’t count. It’s the worst thing about dying, probably. Well not for Kenneth. He was shot and then burned by a guy that looks like a zombie Art Garfunkel (right)…not current bald Art Garfunkel, but if Art Garfunkel from the 70’s was turned in to a zombie. …What? You don’t like that reference? You think it’s a stretch?! That may be, but don’t start thinking you’re special living in a world where zombie jokes are cool, but they cross the line at time travel?! F*ck you. You try thinking of 1,982 different ways of making a guy getting killed in to a funny joke! Take it from us buddy, eventually you’d get to a point where zombie oldies references seem like a pretty good idea!

Adults Visit High School, Beat Up Freshman

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 13:00:18 +0000

We’ll say this for McCluer North High School, when you’ve got visiting adults dropping a beat down in the hall way, they sure take their freshmen hazing to the next level.

[Three] women were reportedly at the school to take a female student, a relative of theirs, out for lunch.

According to security footage, the women were walking toward their relative when she got into a fight with a freshman student.

Guy Robs Creve Coeur Dollar Store, Gets Away With Tens of Dollars

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 13:00:53 +0000

Police are looking for a man who robbed the Creve Coeur Dollar Store because it would seem this guy wanted to go through all the trouble and danger of robbing someone, but really only needed some walkin’ around money. Maybe so see a movie, get some popcorn and put some Milk Duds in there.

Police said two employees were counting cash in the back office of the Dollar Tree Store in the 12530 block of Olive when a man approached and demanded money.

Denise Cooke is in Trouble for Child Endangerment, Thought This Was America

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 13:00:34 +0000

Denise Cooke was just going to be gone for a second, so we’re not sure what the big deal is. Some times you need a quick drink, you know? …and also during some of those times you’re a single mother, so maybe you leave your baby in a hotel room. Big whoop. Oh, you’d rather her take the baby to the bar? Who’s the horrible parent now?!

Police arrested a woman who allegedly left her 9-year-old son inside a Fenton hotel room while she went out drinking.

Police Chief Dotson is Already Getting Good at the Crime Numbers Math Game

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 17:00:00 +0000

KMOV recently sat down with new St. Louis Police Chief Sam Dotson, and it’s pretty clear the man is already getting good at the ole “It’s not as bad as it seems” game, picking up right where former Chief Isom left off.

Sam Dotson was candid and poignant in his answers saying “one homicide is too many,” and the goal for his department is to have a year with no killings.

East St. Louis: Where You Can Get Robbed While at Church

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 13:00:50 +0000

The thugs of East St. Louis have broken the last barrier: They’re robbing you in church now!

East St. Louis Police Chief Michael Floore said a call reporting the incident came into the Police Department at 5:12 p.m. about the armed robbery of people at IRA Grove Baptist Church, located at 1701 Belmont.

“Church service was going on when three masked gunmen went into the church and robbed the people who were there at gunpoint,” Floore said.

Popular Bluff Man Beats Parents With Baseball Bat, Tells Police

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 13:00:42 +0000

Going forward, Thanksgivings will probably be a little awkward…

Man confesses to brutally beating his parents at their Poplar Bluff home Tuesday evening.

Well, the important thing is that he eventually told the truth. Pretty sure that’s what Bill Cosby told Rudy and we can’t think of a reason why it wouldn’t apply here.

Officers with the Poplar Bluff Police Department were called to the scene at 12 p.m. after a they received a call from a man who said he arrived at the home in the 1900 block of Wilson Street and found two people inside had been beaten.

The Central West End Has a Flasher

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 13:00:13 +0000

The police are looking for a new flasher showing his central south front area to the ladies of the Central West End area. The lonely gentleman has reportedly let it hang several times last weekend alone, which begs the question: Isn’t the summer or spring the better time to be a flasher? It’s awfully cold to be letting the little general out. I guess it wasn’t as cold last weekend, but still you’re probably not doing yourself any favors by whipping it out between November and March.

St. Louis Thieves and Michael Strahan Love Subway

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 18:20:02 +0000

A south St. Louis Subway (Which one? It doesn’t matter. It’s like saying “A St. Charles County Quiktrip.” the statement is so broad its meaningless.) was robbed for a second time over the span of five days: Once on Janurary 7th and then again this morning at 2:30am. The only benefit we can think of for robbing a Subway would be not having to worry about carrying away too much cash, or any bills over $5, and the fact that you could stuff your pockets with their over-priced avocado on the way out the door.

Porn Shop Owners’ South County Home Penetrated By Two Guys

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 13:00:12 +0000

According to St. Louis County Police reports, two armed men broke in to the home of the owners of multiple “adult entertainment businesses” in the area, stealing cash and injuring both victims.

The intruders beat up the husband and wife at their home on the 4400 block of Forder Ridge in south St. Louis County, according to police, and stole an undisclosed amount of cash. The victims were treated for minor injuries at an area hospital. Police are unsure if they are still hospitalized.

Merry Christmas Poor St. Louis Kids! Said the Guy That Stole Your Presents

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 18:00:31 +0000

St. John’s Lutheran Church on Morganford has been robbed again, the fourth time in two weeks and the 12th time over the last two years. This time the thieves ran off with a safe, some cash, a bunch of presents, and food bank gifts. The cops would love to stop them, but who knows if they’re going to strike for a 5th time next week, or a 13th time over-all? I mean, who can know something like that? It’s impossible to know. You couldn’t even hazard a guess really. Oh well.

Someone Is Stealing Your Amazon Shipments

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 13:00:01 +0000

The St. Louis Police Department wants to take a moment to remind you that you live in a city so crime-ridden that you can’t even leave packages on your doorstep anymore without them being stolen. In fact, if you see a package on your doorstep, don’t go get it! It’s a probably a trap. When you open it a guy will pop out and stab you. Sure that box looked like it only had a single book it in, but that’s just what they wanted you to think.

That Must Have Been One Really Bad Hair Cut

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 13:00:25 +0000

Update: Hey look, what do you know! This shooting was because of an argument about the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting according to the AP. A shooting because of an argument about a shooting? USA! USA!

Original post below…

A man entered the “All Cuts Barber Shop” in Wentzville, MO yesterday, apparently had an altercation with someone inside, left and returned a moment later to shoot the place up.

Do they not get the news in Wentzville? We’re all kinda anti-bringing guns places these days.

Well She Certainly Looks Like She’s Learned Her Lesson…

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 13:00:56 +0000

That smiling face you see above belongs to 19-year-old Chtonia Battle. Ms Battle was being charged for the murder of 53-year-old, “super nice guy” Benny Hill. Chtonia reportedly drug Hill from the van he was driving to work, stabbed him in the neck and left him to die, bleeding in the street.

Chtonia Battle is the worst kind of person. She shouldn’t even be counted as a person…”Chtonia” certainly shouldn’t count as a name, so it’s really not that much of a stretch. Kinda feel like maybe she was trying to rob Hill for the vowels in his name as she clearly needs at least one.

Vernita Bruce Is Not Don King, So Just Stop Making Those Jokes Now. Frankly It’s A Bit Lazy.

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 13:00:23 +0000

Vernita Bruce is one hell of a mom! She has no comb or common sense and she’s clearly dangerously imbalanced, but she will go the extra mile to be horrible! Like when her 13-year-old daughter told her that girls at school wanted to fight her, did she just sit down with some Full House-style talk about how violence isn’t the answer, ending with a hug while the sounds of clapping come out of nowhere? Hell no! She put her daughter in the car and drove up and down Natural Bridge looking for the girls so her daughter could fight them right there on the street!

Jordan Prince Strangles Babies

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:00:58 +0000

Hey anyone know what Jordan Prince is up to these days? Probably just out in St. Charles looking weird and strangling babies because they have the nerve to be all loud when you’re trying to eat a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. You know how he do!!

According to reports, Jordan L. Prince, 24, was charged with first-degree endangering the welfare of a child and second-degree murder on Thursday.

South County Woman Beats the Hell Out of Her Possibly Demonic Grandmother

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:00:29 +0000

It’s tough to watch close relatives get old. As their ability to do their once simple tasks slowly slip from their withered grasp, they rely on us to be strong for them and guide them through those last remaining miles, but it’s not always easy to be strong. Some nights as you tuck your 92-year-old grandmother in to bed, your mind begins to drift to unpleasant thoughts like “Is this the last Christmas I’ll have with my grandma?” or for some, “I wonder if this old bitch is a demon? …Probably. I better get her before she gets me.”

Horrible Foreign Guy Nearly Kills Pregnant Woman, Smashes Daycare

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:00:50 +0000

The concept of deportation was invented for this asshole.

Here’s the short version: A severely impaired driver swerved and ran red lights for miles down Jennings Station road in Pine Lawn, Missouri. At the Margaret intersection he swerved again, this time smashing in to a pregnant woman and then the side of a daycare.

…after that he called everyone’s favorite president, Abe Lincoln, a pussy on Facebook and got out of the car, stepped on a baby bunny, and took a dump on a laptop…but the laptop had pictures of Julia Roberts on it…yes, America’s Sweetheart! No not really, but seriously, fuck this guy.

Woman Arrested For DUI After Passing Out in a Hardee’s Drive Through

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 13:00:46 +0000

Janice Lyles was arrested Saturday after being found passed out in a Godfrey, Illinois Hardee’s drive-through, engine running and everything. Hardee’s must get like one of these a week, but it’s still pretty funny.

The staff at the restaurant, located in the 2700 block of Godfrey road, called police when they notice a woman asleep in the drive thru with the engine running.

According to police, Lyles displayed obvious signs of being under the influence of alcohol and failed field sobriety tests.

Some Guy Shot a Dog Twelve Times

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 13:00:10 +0000

Ron Jackson is in custody today after someone found his dog in a city dumpster after it that had been shot 12 times and choked with an electrical cord. That punishment seems a tad over the top, but this is what happens as the nation’s newspaper companies begin to fold. What do you expect us to correct our dogs with now that no one gets the newspaper?! We certainly don’t to risk breaking our Kindle.

Guy Gets Shot After Offering to be the Designated Driver

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 13:00:31 +0000

No city knows how to flip a good rule on it’s head, spit on it and kick it in the eye like St. Louis. For instance, earlier in the year we saw someone that “Just said no.” to drugs get shot, and now we have a guy that offered someone a ride home get shot in the neck. In the freaking neck! That’s what you get for looking out for other people’s safety you dick!

Horrible Face-Shooting Thieving D*ckhead Brought to Justice

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 12:00:34 +0000

Vincent Newman has been apprehended and charged with at least one of the recent string of violent robberies in South City, and more charges are expected. Just listen to what this dickhead did:

A 27-year-old woman was shot at 5:55 a.m. Wednesday as she walked to her car in the 1600 block of South Spring Avenue. The man took her purse and shot her in the face, police said.

A 20-year-old woman was robbed of her cellphone and tablet computer. The robber then shot her in the left arm and left cheek.

St. Louis: Where Bank Robbers Yell “Go Cards!”

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 12:00:49 +0000

Arnold police are still looking for the bank robber who exclaimed “Go Cards!” on his way out the door with the cash. Welcome to St. Louis. This is what we do: break laws and watch baseball.

Police say the man entered the First Bank at 3850 Jeffco Boulevard, approached the teller and presented a note demanding money around 1:15 p.m. Friday.

After taking an undisclosed amount of money, the man reportedly yelled, “Go Cards!” and left the bank.

Old Timey Gossip Columnist Jerry Berger Accused of Sexual Misconduct

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 12:00:14 +0000

Jerry Berger’s been around for forever, talkin’ that old timey gossip around these parts. Stuff like this…

Super Bowl XLVII, the biggest concert gig in the world, will feature **Beyonce **on Feb. 3 at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. **Madonna **performed in last year’s halftime show.

Huge news! Can’t get that anywhere else but BergersBeat.com! …and…

The Shane Co. jewelers is eyeing the old Flotken’s Market space on the north side of Olive Boulevard just east of Warson Road in Olivette. . .Brown Smith Wallace is moving to the Brown Shoe building at Hunter at Maryland Avenues in Clayton and sold its building to the St. Louis County Port Authority

Clayon Police Are Looking For a Serial Groper

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 16:00:35 +0000

There’s a “serial groper” on the loose in Clayton, usually operating across the street from the St. Louis County Jail. It’s a perfect plan. Who’s going to believe some broad who’s going to jail?

Officers say it’s happened at least three times in recent weeks, mostly on weekend evenings.

The man commits the act in a public parking lot, then runs away before his victim has time to react.

Guy Shoots Himself in the Leg During Traffic Stop

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 12:00:02 +0000

St. Louis’ finest attempted to pull over a car for a routine traffic stop last night just south of downtown. The car pulled over, then took off and police gave chase. Shortly after they heard gunfire and a stand-off started. Little did the cops know he wasn’t shooting at them, he’s just a retard and shot himself.

After a standoff that lasted about ten minutes, police took the driver out of the vehicle and discovered he had shot himself in the upper leg, either accidentally or on purpose. There were also three bullet holes in the windshield, Coll said.

East St. Louis’ Curfew is Already Working

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 12:00:45 +0000

East St. Louis, or as we describe it to out-of-town friends “…I know it sounds like part of this city, but it’s not. Totally different city.”, instituted a new curfew recently and it’s already paying dividends after four kids were arrested violating the curfew while trying to break in to a home.

Parks says the officer who caught them was out looking for minors breaking curfew.

The curfew was put in place earlier in the week after a wave of violence in the city including the shooting deaths of three young men last weekend.

Baron Calmese Jr. is a Huge Butthole

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 12:00:52 +0000

Baron Calmese Jr. is one of those names that make you visualize a guy that wears smoking jackets all day, but this particular Baron Clmese Jr. is actually a total douche butthole…and naturally he’s from St. Louis.

Baron Calmese Jr. of the 12100 block of Aragon Avenue was staying with his sister along the 11100 block of Estrada Drive when he asked her if he could borrow some quarters at about 5 p.m. on July 26, according to court documents.

KMOV’s Matt Sczesny Got Beat Up

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 12:00:20 +0000

KMOV (Channel 4) reporter Matt Sczesny and it wasn’t by someone who got overly frustrated after trying to spell Sczesny’s name phonetically like you’d imagine. Turns out it was just some guy who wandered over while they were on a story.

Sczesny was in Alorton standing outside a KMOV truck when a man walked up to him and asked if he could ask him a question. Sczesny said sure, and the man punched him, according to Sean McLaughlin, KMOV’s executive news director.

Death Over Pork Steaks

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 12:00:35 +0000

John Cunningham shot Lessie Lowe over an argument about whether what they were cooking were pork steaks or pork chops. Clearly this is a serious matter, so lets settle this right now before anyone else has to die:

Pork Steaks are cut from the Boston Butt, or Pork Shoulder. Sometimes they are even cut from the fresh ham (hind quarter), but not often. Pork Chops are cut from the Loin and they may be presented boneless or bone-in. Pork Chops are normally more tender than the Pork Steaks.

The Uncle Bill’s Owner Was Kidnapped

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 15:00:47 +0000

The owner of Uncle Bill’s Pancake & Dinner House was kidnapped and robbed Sunday. Bet you thought it was the South City location didn’t you?! Ha, wrong! It was the Ballwin location! Suck it! City: 1, County: 23,474,932,729,239,234,324,732,618,190

Now as long as the criminals don’t make it obvious they were actually from the city, that one point will be confirmed…

Richard Lee, 75, of Creve Coeur was about to count the weekend earnings in his office at the Manchester location along the 14000 block of Manchester Road when two men grabbed his arms and sprayed pepper spray in his face, according to his wife of 46 years, Chi Yang Lee.

Five Escape From Pike County Jail, One of Them Has Crazy Eyes

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:00:14 +0000

The Pike County Jail had five inmates escape it’s numerous guards and walls Saturday night. The jail still had no idea hours after it happened, but finally kicked on the alarm after they received a call from a family member of an inmate informing them of the escape. Soon after the warden started throwing rocks at various posters around the facility looking for an escape hole because he saw that in a movie once and didn’t really have any other ideas.

Guy Stabs Another Guy Downtown Over a Bag of Cheetos

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 12:00:35 +0000

Tuesday night two homeless gentlemen where arguing downtown near the convention center. They were arguing over who was going to get to eat a bag of Cheetos. Eventually one guy stabbed the other guy. So ends another regular night in St. Louis.

Homicide detectives in St. Louis are investigating the incident which happened shortly before 9:00 p.m. at 6th and Washington.

Officials say the knife attack started with an argument over a bag of Cheetos.

Guy Gets Fifth DWI With Four Kids in the Car

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 14:15:04 +0000

It would seem its “horrible parents” week here at Punching Kitty. Yesterday we told you about a woman who lets her one kid escape and then leaves the other one alone when she goes to look for the first one, and a dad that got his car stolen after leaving it running with his 5 year old in the back. Now those are pretty horrible stories, but today’s story might be even better…err worse…well better, but in a comedic sense…not comedic per se, maybe like “better” in an OMG WTF kinda way.

The Best Way to Keep Your Car From Being Stolen is to Leave Your Child in There

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 16:00:58 +0000

A man’s car and child are safe today, but early Sunday morning he was running down the street in fear of never seeing either of them again.

According to police, the child’s father was dropping someone off at a home in the 4100 block of North Florissant around 4 a.m. The father was walking that person to their door when someone jumped into his running minivan and took off with the child still inside.

Mother of the Year: Krystal Rushing of Rosewood Heights, IL

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 12:00:13 +0000

Krystal Rushing of Rosewood Heights, Illinois was arrested Sunday. Why? Great question. A couple of things really. The first of which is that the police found her two year old daughter, wandering around alone at the intersection of 9th Steet and East Airline drive at 7 am. We’re not sure what that area’s like, but she’s a two year old so it really doesn’t matter…the point is that she was wandering around by herself next to roads while her mom (above) had just started to look for her when the police arrived.

Mid Rivers Elementary Had a Convenient Pot Source

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 12:00:45 +0000

Pamela Potter (above) has been charged with growing marijuana within 2,000 feet of a school and possession of a controlled substance after being busted for growing marijuana, and keeping meth-making chemicals on the premises of her Estes Park home.

The threat of course is that not only was she producing large amounts of drugs, but she was doing so in close proximity of a school, but take a look at Pam again. She’s a walking “This is your face on drugs” ad. You better hope his gnarled broad asked your kids if they wanted any drugs, because that’s a nightmare sure to keep your kid away until at least college when their chubby physique and false self-esteem based on being in the drama club will finally catch up to them around the same time a goth kid tells them the world is a dark pit of sadness and hands them a joint in the waning hours of a off campus basement party for kids pretending they didn’t want to be in a frat/sorority anyway because they’d rather stay “independent” as if that means something other than an attempt to paint over the fact that no one cares about how they got their whole class to sign that cheap white “acting is reacting” t-shirt that they also wear in the pool because they think it fools us in to not realizing they’re fat.

Man Charged With Showing a Kid His Penis at a Brentwood Home Depot

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 12:00:59 +0000

Christopher Frank, area business man and former board member at St. Louis Children’s Hospital, has been charged with “sexual misconduct involving a child under age 15” after an odd encounter with a child at a Brentwood Home Depot back in November.

Police said Frank got on his knees in a restroom stall and showed his genitals to a child in the next stall over.

Authorities said Frank then lied down on the floor and watched the boy use the restroom.

St. Louis Drug Dealers Are Horrible Salesmen

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 12:00:21 +0000

Ok, well we give up! It’s officially a no-win situation in St. Louis when someone walks up to you at a probably creepy North City gas station as asks if you want to buy some drugs. In July we found out that you shouldn’t say “No thanks.” because then you’ll get shot, so we, being the kind, helpful, nice smelling, soul-meltingly beautiful site we are, we offered the following advice:

If you live it St. Louis, it appears that when someone offers you drugs, it’s safter to just take some since the one thing you can’t go to rehab for a bullet in the chest. Please inform your kids about this change in standard parenting lesson protocol.

Three Women Attack a Red Lobster Waitress

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 12:00:02 +0000

For the second time in 9 months a Red Lobster employee has been attacked at the Fairview Heights Red Lobster. Apparently the cheddar biscuits are horrible there.

At about 2:15 p.m. Friday, a restaurant worker had water thrown on her and was struck repeatedly by either open hands or Red Lobster menus, police said. Three suspects were taken into custody. Police said they do not yet know what led to the alleged assault.

That is One Ugly Mother-Puncher!

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 15:00:44 +0000

49-year-old Larry Thompson was arrested and charged with aggravated battery, after punching his own mother at his home in Shiloh, Illinois.

He is also suspected of robbing a bank with Flattop and Pruneface, but escaped after detective Dick Tracy got the drop on his accomplices, only to have Big Boy Caprice put the squeeze to the coppers on the take so the whole gang walked. It was a setup see!

If You See a Guy On His Porch in Maplewood Who Looks Like He’s Jacking It, He Probably Is

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 12:00:15 +0000

Kenny Gooch was sitting on his front porch in Maplewood one day and while he was watching a few high school girls walk by he decided to whip his junk out and smack it around a little. Who’s gonna know right? You way up on this porch and they’re way over there down two steps and over on the sidewalk 5 feet away. It’s the perfect crime!

So perfect he did it twice.

St. Louis Area Police Brace For More Violence, Practice Shooting Stoic Figures

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 12:00:16 +0000

Update: Changed the title, because obviously you can’t shoot someone with a knife…what we we’re were trying to say that they are shooting people holding kn…doesn’t matter. New title!

This year, despite cheery tweets from @MayorSlay to the contrary, violence is as high as it’s ever been, but particularly noteworthy is the amount of violence we’ve seen towards police officers. Time and time again we’ve seen comments from the STLPD and their peers that the average criminal doesn’t seem to give a damn anymore about turning on the police.

St. Charles Police Catch a Predator Dateline Style!

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 16:00:46 +0000

We’re not sure who got to play the Chris Hansen part, but we do know the sting worked as 23 year-old Mohammad Teimoortagh of St. Charles is in custody on Attempted Sexual Trafficking of a Child, Attempted Statutory Rape and several other horrible charges.

Though as you can tell by the mugshot, he’s not worried. “Hey yo! Solissatatin’ a minor?! Fagetta ’bout it! It’s one of those tings ya know? I’m horny, yadda yadda yadda, I might have tried to proposition a 14 year old. Bada big, I’m in here. What? You wanna do something about it?!” We know he’s a midwesterner of apparently middle eastern descent, but that picture screams New York accent to us. Whatever, just go with it.

The Public is a Little Less Safe Tonight Because the Director of Public Safety Got Burglarized

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 12:00:56 +0000

The car of Jerry Lee, the Director of the Missouri Department of Public Safety, was ~~robbed~~ burglarized Sunday morning in Forest Park, netting the thieve one gun, two Department of Public Safety badges and a GPS unit.

It’s the GPS unit that really scares us. Everyone in St. Louis has a gun, but this guy’s got a gun and a map. He’ll find whoever he wants to find.

City of Shrewsbury On the Lookout For Kissy Cop Impersonator

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 12:00:17 +0000

We were forwarded a “Public Awareness Bulletin” from the City of Shrewsbury last night, and while we have to imagine that vast majority of email you get being on this mailing list is horribly boring, this one was a keeper.

A female motorist has reported that, on July 30, 2012 at approximately 9:00 P.M., she was traveling northbound on Shrewsbury Avenue from Weil Avenue when she noticed the following vehicle traveling behind her [flashing red and blue lights].

One Ice Cream Truck, Two Robberies

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 12:00:16 +0000

An ice cream truck stopped outside the O’Fallon Place apartment complex in North City was the scene of two different robberies happening at the exact same time…and they both happened after the thugs had paid for their ice cream.

19 year-old Ronell Ross, handed his money to the ice cream truck driver’s 10 year-old son just moments before he busted inside, putting his gun against the head of the woman driver while her son plead for her life. All while outside the truck, a man who had been talking to the driver was being robbed at gunpoint as well. The ice cream was also probably way overpriced, but it seems off-color to call the price of your Rocket Pop “highway robbery” while this was going on. You can get a whole box at the store for the same price people, that’s all we’re saying.

Drunk Couple Arrested For Skinny Dipping

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 16:00:15 +0000

It’s Friday and we’ve got no energy for a setup. Talk to us Mr. Blockquote!

A couple in Belleville had a little too much summer fun when they decided to swim completely naked in their neighbor’s pool.

The two were reportedly drunk at 11:30 a.m. when officers arrived in the 200 block of North Fourth Street.

Well well! Now we’re talking! A little day time drunken skinny dip? What’s wrong with that officer? Why does the man always have to bring us down? These people are just trying to have a good time! Maybe it’s a little illegal, maybe a kid caught a glipse, but lighten up! What did these probably super attractive people look like anyway?

BREAKING: Creepy-Looking Guy Does Something Totally Creepy

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 12:00:03 +0000

They say you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but that’s more of a rule of thumb applied to plain-looking or even slightly worn covers, it doesn’t apply to book covers that show some creepy glassy-eyed weirdo rubbing familiar looking panties on his face and you’re not sure where his hands are. You’re not buying that book. It’s ok to judge that one because it’s so obviously gross, just being caught lingering while you look at it might get you put on some government list.

Even the Cops Don’t Want to Walk the Streets of St. Louis

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 14:30:35 +0000

St. Louis used to be the kind of place where some people would complain about how the streets were unsafe, but the government and the police would claim it’s not that bad, tell us how they’re working really hard, and show us all how it’s getting better.

That day is gone. Even the police, people who wear armor and have been trained to carry weapons, have decided they’d rather just not be out there.

Crazy Wright City Man Fake Booby Traps His Truck, Ends Up in Real Jail

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 12:00:05 +0000

A Wright City, Missouri man got himself in to some trouble over the weekend after he appeared to booby trap his truck with fake dynamite and a grenade. We’re not sure his Ford Ranger was in that much danger of being stolen to begin with, but as the backwoods guy saying goes: “Better crazy than sorry! …and don’t wipe with pinecones…and try not to ever comb your beard…also we’re against deodorant for some reason.” It’s a long saying.

You Should Always Carry Weed, It Might Save Your Life

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 12:00:13 +0000

A woman was sitting at a South City bus stop when two men asked her if she had any marijuana. She didn’t. Big mistake.

Police say the woman told the two men she did not have any marijuana and they walked away. Ten minutes later, the suspects allegedly came back and tried to rob the victim.

During the robbery, police say the woman was shot once in the upper arm.

Pedro Chavez is a Determined Molester

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Your parents always told you to never give up on chasing your dreams, and while that’s a nice thought, applying that has a blanket statement to all dreams isn’t a great idea. Take Pedro Chavez of O’Fallon, MO (right). His dream was to molest a 13 year old girl, and sadly, he didn’t stop chasing it until the police arrived.

A man from O’Fallon, Mo., faces felony charges after police said he attempted to molest a thirteen-year-old girl, left her apartment, and then reentered the apartment and tried to molest her again.

Belleville Woman Calls 911 Because Her Husband Took Her Beer

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 16:00:59 +0000

The Belleville police department’s switch board was lighting up yesterday, all from one woman who just really needed her beer back. Emergencies are subjective!

Police say 36-year-old Shannon White dialed 911 several times on Saturday around 8:30 p.m. to complain her boyfriend would not allow her to drink more beer.

“Tonight he took away my beer and I want to drink some beer, and he took away my beer,” White said on one of the calls.

Sweet Hiding Place Bro

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 12:00:40 +0000

Today’s “How to Live in St. Louis” tip: When you’re going to hang out at a local casino, don’t talk to anyone. They will eventually rob you.

Today’s other “How to Live in St. Louis” tip: Install hidden cameras.

…ok, one more “How to Live in St. Louis” tip: Living in West County won’t save you.

A couple’s Brentwood home was invaded by four men they met the night before at the Lumiere Place casino, but the plan failed and they were arrested while their hiding spot from police, and subsequent take down was recorded by a small semi-hidden camera used to animal tracking. …also we’re talking about four black dudes in wife beaters, running up to a house in “White Guy in Sweater Vest Town” while leaving their still idling car in the street, so it’s not like their plan was exactly stealth to begin with.

New in St. Louis: People Getting Shot For NOT Buying Drugs

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 12:00:44 +0000

Early Sunday morning a north city woman was reportedly shot in the chest after she refused an offer to buy some drugs. Take away lesson? If you live it St. Louis, it appears that when someone offers you drugs, it’s safter to just take some since the one thing you can’t go to rehab for a bullet in the chest. Please inform your kids about this change in standard parenting lesson protocol.

The Last Last Samurai Got Arrested in Kirkwood

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 16:00:41 +0000

The movies taught us that “The Last Samurai” was an Tom Cruise-looking American general with long hair, but as usual the real “Last Samurai” is some old skranky-looking guy from Kirkwood.

Here’s how it went down: Two guys start arguing in a Kirkwood home late last week and soon they were told to take it outside, which 46 year old William Earnhart did…right after he grabbed a samurai sword real quick, because fair shmair, you should have found a sword too if you didn’t want your arm cut off.

Guy Busted Making Meth in White Castle Parking Lot

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 12:00:18 +0000

St. Louis’ “Make Meth While You Do Other Stuff Throughout Your Day” Economy continues to flourish. This time police busted a guy making meth in his car while chilling in a White Castle parking lot. Patrons where shocked to found out that drugs where being made so close by where they had lunch…if they had only known they could have just had meth which would have been the slightly healthier option over the 15 sliders they just ate.

Lady Flings Cat Litter at Some Guy, Gets Arrested for Battery

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 18:41:32 +0000

Getting sand thrown at you is worthy of an ass kicking, but getting “kitty sand” full of dried turds thrown at you is, well, significantly worse.

The Belleville News-Democrat reports that 46-year-old Sherri Caine of Belleville is charged with battery.

Authorities say Cain threw a cat litter box full of used litter at the 35-year-old victim Tuesday in Ever and Anon Park.

The victim agreed to press charges, and Cain was arrested.

Stealing and Trading 2,000 Mice for Heroin is Harder Than You’d Think

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 12:00:07 +0000

Dustin Mass and Matt Haney of St. Charles needed some heroin the other day at 3am, and you can clearly tell from the mugshots above these two dudes are in to heroin. Heroin is a killer, but first it forces you to get a cheap haircut and makes you think that stupid facial hair decisions are awesome ideas you should stick with. Scary stuff. Anyway, what’s the plan? Maybe you wander down by the neighborhood Red Roof Inn and see what’s the see (by “see” we mean “steal”).

Warrenton Banks Are So Easy to Rob You Can Do It Drunk!

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 12:00:31 +0000

A drunk woman walked in to a Warrenton, Missouri bank Monday and handed the teller a note with a short story about something that happened in Pennsylvania and instructions to give her some money. It worked, and then she drove away causing “several” accidents as she drove away.

Either this is the craziest bank robbery story so far this year, or Tyler Perry is really trying to make his next TBS movie super authentic.

Guy Confesses to Molestation During a Job Interview with Police, Goes to Jail

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 12:00:03 +0000

So here’s a thing that totally happened: A man was interviewing for a job with the Missouri State Highway Patrol and during the interview process he was asked if he had ever engaged in a sexual crime he could be convicted of. Which is one of those “Do I look stupid? Like I’m going to just say yes to that…to the freaking police!”

Oh but he did.

Nazi Zombies May or May Not Have Attacked Chesterfield Over the Weekend

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 16:00:12 +0000

As you can see from the picture above, a road sign in Chesterfield was set to display the message: “NAZI ZOMBIES! RUN!!!” over the weekend, which is either pretty funny, or a warning you’d end up wishing was in more places than just this one road sign.

“Nazi Zombies! Run!!!” was programmed into a digital traffic sign at Clarkson and Kehrs Mill roads in Chesterfield over the weekend.

Police said “Nazi Zombies! Run!!!” referred to video game _Call of Duty 5, World at War _that launched a “Nazi Zombies” game, and that went on to feature zombies of many nationalities.

Your Daily Meth News: Stolen Licenses and the Walmart Lady Returns

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 12:00:12 +0000

There’s just too much meth news in St. Louis these days, so we’re just going to shrink two stories in to one so you can inhale them quickly, just try not to burn your thumb.

Guess what? You might have helped this lady buy meth supplies!

If you live in Maplewood and recently got your drivers license renewed then your ID might have been used to buy the ingredients for meth…but if you already buy stuff to make meth all the time then don’t worry about it we guess.

Highlights From the St. Charles County Incident Report

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 16:00:43 +0000

Sometimes it feels like all we do is cover stories about crime in the city and in the Metro East…which is probably because we do, and probably because there’s lots of it. Like “Aretha Franklin boob skin” a lot.

While we love being arbitrarily unfair at times, we do like being fair most of the time and so it’s far past time for us to flip through the St. Charles County “Incident Report” that the Post Dispatch puts together for probably the very same reason.

Guy Gets Saved and Then Arrested for Assault

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 12:00:07 +0000

Elijah Wisniewski was rescued from a burning home Thursday after a police officer saw the flames and ran in to the home to save him. Quite a feel good story huh? Nothing like a cop coming the rescue of a man in trouble! …and if this happened anywhere other than the St. Louis area, the story probably would have ended right there, but instead this happened:

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports that 31-year-old Elijah Wisniewski of Winfield was charged Monday. He is jailed on $50,000 cash-only bond.

St. Louis Started a Washington Avenue Curfew

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 12:00:45 +0000

Friday was the first night with the new 10p – 4a Washington Avenue curfew for any one under 21 and none of the clubs were shot up last weekend (but at this point, who can tell?), so it’s going pretty well so far.

St. Louis police turned to a “festival” permit to give them authority to bar anyone under age 21 from the entertainment district along Washington Avenue after 10 pm on Friday and Saturday this weekend.

A Bunch of Snakes Were Stolen From the Aquarium in the City Museum

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 12:00:06 +0000

St. Louis will never run out of things we want to steal. This time it was snakes from the World Aquarium located inside downtown’s City Museum: One six foot long Boa Constrictor, one five foot long California Kingsnake, a four and a half foot long Dumeril’s Boa and a two foot long Ball Python. 17.5 feet of total snake, at an estimated worth of over 10 thousand bucks!

“I think they knew these were high valued animals and they could take these animals and market these animals,” said World Aquarium President Leonard Sonnenschein.

The Valley Park Mayor is So Exhausted He Argued, Ran and Spit on the Police

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 16:00:46 +0000

You know how some times you get so “exhausted” that you speed in your car and then when the cops stop you, you try to out run them, and then when they catch you and try to fight and spit on them and your breath smells like you’ve been drinking?

Nathan Grellener, the “honorable” mayor of Valley Park knows!

Police said Grellene [sic] was driving in Highway 30 in Jefferson County when he was stopped by officers for speeding.

Someone Was Making Meth in the South County Walmart

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 12:00:10 +0000

So maybe we’re the only one, but we just figured that all Walmarts were cleared at night to sweep for meth labs. Maybe not though, because the South County Walmart was cleared out last night for that very reason and everyone’s all surprised.

A customer cooking a so-called “one pot” batch of methamphetamine inside a pop bottle in her purse caused the Thursday night evacuation of the South County Walmart store.

Heroin Must Make You Hot or Something

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 16:23:27 +0000

Outside air conditioning unit are being stolen all over the Godfrey, Illinois area and police think it might be related to that area’s favorite new hobby: Heroin.

The thefts of outdoor units, nearly twenty of them, have taken place in every month since February.

…but no one noticed until it got hot?

Madison County Sheriff’s Lt. Kris Tharp says the targets are homes and businesses.

Brillant! Why bother stealing all those outside air conditioning units on cars and skateboards when “homes and businesses” are right there for the taking?!

Woman Arrested For Beating Up Kid and Not Having Enough Eyebrow Hair

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 12:00:10 +0000

Terisha Wallace was arrested yesterday in Collinsville, Illinois after allegedly beating up a 13-year old kid.

On Sunday, June 3, at approximately 8:08 p.m., the Madison County Sheriff’s Department was dispatched to a home in Maryville, Ill. where deputies met with the victim of a battery. The victim was suffering from facial swelling and bruising.

The victim told deputies he was battered by two subjects. The victim identified Wallace and a 16-year-old male juvenile as the subjects who had battered him.

Some Guy Got Shot in the Face While Leaving His Apartment

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 16:00:23 +0000

St. Louis’ totally uncool obsession with shooting people in the face continued over the weekend when a man was shot (in the face) while leaving his downtown apartment.

Officials say the victim was driving outside the Mansion House Apartments off Memorial Drive just after 3 p.m. when two suspects walked up to his SUV and shot him.

Dude.

We really don’t want or need to get in to the long history of people getting shot in the face in our city, or why that’s just not civilized. We’ve done that. What we are going to do is put up or “No Face Shots” campaign logo and then go get a quick snack, clear our schedule for the rest of the day and then head back to the computer because we just spent some time searching the internet for “blasted in the face”, “face shot” and “asians with big boobs”, and while we didn’t find what we were initially looking for, we found a bunch of other stuff that made us forget what the original thing was and why we were upset about it. Bye!

Police Raid East St. Louis Nightclubs, Because Why Not?

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 12:00:36 +0000

Early Sunday morning state police raided three East St. Louis nightclubs to look for crimes and because they wanted to grab a beer so going all at once with bullet-proof vests and guns drawn seemed like the safest way to go.

According to search warrants, investigators were looking for illegal drugs, weapons and other evidence of wrongdoing at three East St. Louis clubs: Posh, Club 103 and Club Rolex.

They actually had to go get a search warrant to search an East St. Louis club on a Saturday night?! What a waste of time. We figured at this point Illinois just gave each cop a “warrant pad” which had the basic structure with required blanks to fill in ala “Mad Libs”.

St. Louis to Replace Metal Street Signs With Cheaper Plastic Ones

Wed, 30 May 2012 12:00:37 +0000

Apparently St. Louis has a major issue with people stealing street signs. One theory is people are stealing the metal signs to sell to scrap metal dealers, while our theory is that people are stealing them to put under their shirts for cheap bullet-proof vests. Either way it’s a problem.

St. Louis City Streets Department Director Todd Waelterman says with the economy already straining budgets, sign replacement is becoming a problem.

Tough Angry Biker Guy: 0; Old Man With Semi-Automatic Weapon: 1

Tue, 29 May 2012 12:00:32 +0000

At least two people have been killed in East St. Louis shootings over the long weekend that started with a “Stop the Violence” rally, but if you think that’s news then we should also tell you about the Cubs being horrible and how Taco Bell makes us poop. What is a little more news like is that a man was shot today on an overpass after what appears to be a “road rage” incident…and it happened deep in St. Charles County! It turns out it’s not just the city folk packing heat, it’s everyone in the bi-state area.

Impatient Bank Robber is Impatient

Wed, 23 May 2012 16:00:27 +0000

A woman robbed a Commerce Bank in Richmond Heights Tuesday morning…well kinda…not really actually. She ended up taking her note and giving up before she took any money. Turns out that’s just enough to get the cops all mad at you though.

The suspect handed a note to the teller indicating she had a gun and demanding money.

Apparently she then became impatient because shortly after giving the teller the note, she retrieved her note and left the bank without any money.

Ladies Shouldn’t Pee at the Spear Construction Company (Updated)

Tue, 15 May 2012 16:00:33 +0000

Updated below with an anonymous response.

The owner of the Crestwood construction company is in trouble after it was discovered he had wired up a hidden camera in the ladies room. A woman employee is obviously pretty “pissed” about it, but for any other non-employees: What you’re peeing in a construction company office? How bad did you have to go? How long were you there? Did this guy give everyone a gallon jug of water in the waiting room? Before this story, we would have estimated the number of girls peeing in a construction office to be zero. The cops were probably like “This guy’s going to jail, but next time, hold it.”

Horse Outsmarts Downtown Carriage Jacker

Thu, 10 May 2012 12:00:41 +0000

One of those horse-drawn carriages was jacked Tuesday night by a cane wielding assailant who apparently found no cars worthy of stealing or more likely, as this took place downtown, there might not have been any cars left that hadn’t already been broken in to.

The St. Louis Carriage Company driver Larry Turner said he was steering his horse, Harry, back to the company’s stables about 8:25 p.m. toward the end of his shift. He spotted a [Johnny Medina, 40], sitting on some steps, staring at the carriage as he rolled by.

Remember Jem? She’s Doing Meth Now in Cottage Hills Apparently

Wed, 09 May 2012 12:00:31 +0000

Hey people over 30! Remember Jem? (Reminder) Well not is she still “truly outrageous” but she’s on meth now and living in Cottage Hills, Illinois.

34 year old ~~Rachael Toner~~ Jem is charged with what officials call an enhanced Class X charge of Aggravated Participation in Meth. The arrest of Toner took place at a home in Cottage Hills, Illinois.

Jem, who now looks like this…

South City Couple Sexually Assaulted Their Dog

Mon, 07 May 2012 12:00:27 +0000

Dana Kintz and Shawn Ingram have been charged with “unlawful sex with an animal” (which makes us wonder what the “lawful” kind is…accidental peanut butter oral would be our guess) after Kintz called the cops because Ingram slapped her around a bit. Not long after police arrested the couple because of photos found on Ingram’s cell phone of Kintz sexually assaulting a dog. To be fair, the dude’s face does kinda look like a dog’s ass so maybe she was just confused, but still you’d like to think someone could figure out their mistake pretty quickly.

Stop Shooting People in Their Faces You Assholes!

Wed, 02 May 2012 12:00:24 +0000

Again. It happened again!

A 17-year-old hospitalized after he was shot in the face.

It happened Monday night near Bryant and O’Fallon in north St. Louis.

The unidentified teen is hospitalized in serious condition.

(That’s the whole story on KMOX’s site. Not sure why it was phrased in extended Haiku form.)

Why do we have to keep going over this?!

August 9th, 2010: “Dude Buying CDs Gets Shot in the Face“

Marine’s War Medals Stolen While Visiting the Arch

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 12:00:12 +0000

Fellow St. Louisans, let us drop a senario on you and you tell us when you start to get worried: A Marine and wife were visiting family near St. Louis after recently coming back from a tour in Afghanistan (Eh, ok. Not too worried yet.) and while on their way to the airport to fly back to where he is stationed in Hawaii (Sounds nice!) they decided to stop in and visit the Arch (Hmm..it’s not as cool as it seems.)

(Updated) Naked O’Fallon Man Bit a Police Officer’s Face

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 12:00:39 +0000

Update from 11:30am below.

A 21 year-old O’Fallon man has been arrested after doing the following:

Beating a 29-year old woman with a “medieval weapon”
Being naked in public.
Living in a trailer park.*
Trying to reach for an officer’s gun.
Actually stealing the officer’s stun gun.
Hitting the officer with the stun gun.
Most likely grazing someone with his junk while all this naked movement was happening.

8. Bitting the officer in the face.

St. Charles Massage Parlor Owner Arrested for High Tech Peeping

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 15:00:10 +0000

If you’ve ever made the poor choice to get a massage at a place in St. Charles owned by a guy that looks like the standard Law and Order rapist, then congrats on being a movie star! …well not all of you. Some of you ladies are unattractive enough that he probably threw away the tape after you left, or maybe didn’t even bother to turn the secret camera on. Lucky you! You always said that someday you’d lose 50 lbs and get that goiter removed, but you hesitated. Maybe because you knew somehow…or maybe you just love all food within an arm’s reach. Regardless you’re safe, sorry hot chicks.

The Loop Hosted a Massive Fight and a Shooting Saturday Night

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 12:00:04 +0000

We were telling someone, just a couple of days ago, that “The Loop” was a great area of St. Louis and doesn’t have the issues the rest of the city seems to be unable to fix. “Stick to Delmar between The Pageant and Cicero’s and you’ll be fine.”

St. Louis you’ve made a liar out of us.

KMOX’s Michael Calhoun went on Twitter Saturday night and on the KMOX website (which inexplicably named: stlouis.cbslocal.com) to tell the story of hearing gun shots ring out just across the street from where he was reporting on the recently broken up fight.

Soulard Grease Thieves Caught By Off Duty Cop

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:00:55 +0000

St. Louis’ rapid acceleration towards becoming the real life version of The Simpson’s Springfield took another step forward yesterday when a warrant was issued for Bryon Aston (white) and Landon Thomas (right). The charge? Stealing grease. Yes, it would appear that people actually do that.

Police say an officer working at John D. McGurk’s Pub saw a grease truck near the business and two men illegally removing the grease. The officer was able to curb the vehicle and take pair into custody during the early morning hours Saturday.

People Finally Go To Reservoir Park, But Only to See Graffiti

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:00:20 +0000

You know that park you drive by all the time but never know stop at and always wonder what that big thing is? Well that’s Reservoir Park (at 44 and Grand) and 50 years from now it will be remembered like a hipster Gettysburg as a battle site of the 2012 “Class War”.

The graffiti, which includes phrases like “CLASS WAR,” and “COPS, PIGS, MURDERERS,” was sprayed on buildings, walls and statues at the park on Grand Boulevard just south of Interstate 44.

Someone Put a One Million Dollar Bounty Out for Maplewood Cops

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 13:00:57 +0000

A Craigslist ad appeared last week putting a 1 Million dollar bounty out for every Maplewood cop’s head, and 2 Million for the head of a specific detective. It read “Wanted dead, all the maplewood city police officers, paying one million per head. two million for detective [redacted]”

The ad, which was obviously an empty threat as they gave no address for head sending, was quickly removed and the Maplewood police are working with Craigslist to track down the poster.

Warrenton Peeping Tom Arrested

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 13:00:40 +0000

Warrenton’s Peeping Tom has been been brought to justice after several complains over the span of years, 25 year-old Jaybirth Harris was caught peeping on a hidden surveillance camera.

25-year-old Jaybirth Harris of Marthasville is jailed on charges of 1st & 2nd degree burglary, stealing and invasion of privacy.

He reportedly entered some homes, while others he just looked through the windows.

This is one sick dude, but how sick? Well beyond the security camera footage, they also have the following evidence:

Task Force Finds 3 St. Charles Meth Labs

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 17:00:46 +0000

The St. Charles County Drug Task Force has been working diligently to find and stop meth production in St. Charles and they recently announced the results of their six-month investigation: They found 3 meth labs. Anyone that lives west of a bridge drives past 4 meth labs on their way to work each morning, but that’s great St. Charles. Three’s better than none…or one…or two. That’s it though. Those are the only three things it’s better than. …ok, watching “Today in St. Louis” is pretty rough. We’ll say that’s the fourth thing, but that’s all!

February 29th: An Extra Day in St. Louis is an Extra Day to Die!

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 13:00:01 +0000

Yeah it’s totally fake, but we’d like to think he wrote that up and just had his mouse hovering over the “Tweet” button for like 20 minutes before deciding “Nah, not worth it.”

Guy Chokes Two Different Women at Hospital on Consecutive Days

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 13:00:43 +0000

29 year old Alfred Pierce has been charged with grabbing a Barnes-Jewish Hospital employee and choking her on the February 19th. On February 20th, Pierce was charged with doing the same exact thing, but on a different female employee of Barnes-Jewish. The third woman that works in that department probably took the 21st off.

A 29-year-old man is charged with two counts of third degree assault after choking two workers on consecutive days at Barnes Jewish.

Lots of Panties Have Been Stolen From the Galleria’s Victoria’s Secret

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 13:00:51 +0000

If Victoria’s secret was that you can just walk in to the store and take a arm load of panties off a table and walk out without anyone noticing, then the secret’s out.

Police are currently investigating the theft of over 100 pairs of underwear from a display table at the St. Louis Galleria in Richmond Heights.

The theft reportedly occurred at the Victoria’s Secret store inside the mall on Valentine’s Day.

St. Charles County Man Found Guilty of Having Great Hair (and Threatening a Judge)

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 13:00:36 +0000

A St. Charles County court recently sentenced Alexander Long, 23, to 41 months in federal prison and not only is he skinny, but he’s got a head of hair even Full House’s Uncle Jesse would be jealous of.

The only thing we can imagine Alex being guilty of is having a fantastic head of hair of black slik spun from the gods themselves, but there’s some other stuff like threatening a judge and his family. Nothing he couldn’t have gotten out of with one of those quick look back moves like on Charlie’s Angels.

Authorities Catch ‘Same Coat Bandit’ Despite The Fact That He Was Wearing a Different Coat

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:00:15 +0000

Authorities have somehow managed to capture last week’s famed “Same Coat Bandit”, so named because he wore the same coat a couple of times and apparently the Feds are big sticklers to the fashion trends of this season’s thieves and decided to publicly berate the guy.

Nicholas J. Hummel, 29, of the 5700 block of Loran Avenue, was charged with two counts of second-degree robbery.

Authorities also suspect Hummel in three other bank recent bank robberies in the St. Louis area. The FBI labeled him the “Same Coat Bandit” because he apparently has worn the same tan jacket in each robbery.

We Have Officially Run Out of Clever Bank Robber Names

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:00:14 +0000

[Editor’s Note: For context, this was part of our impromptu “Animated GIF Week“]

Pair the bad economy with our population’s natural love of guns and playing dress up and it seems like everyone’s robbing banks these days. As such, the local media has latched on to this trend hard. Like a snow storm during a morning commute hard. Much like weather events, every bank robbery has be punched up a notch and have a catchy name, and as such you can’t seem to “take a penny” these days without seeing a grainy security camera still with a clever nickname overlay plastered all over the evening news.

Woman Tricks Cops, Steals Their Wallet to Buy Smokes and Lottery Tickets

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:00:40 +0000

In what had to have been one of the most embarrassing police reports filed in at least the last few years, two St. Louis officiers detailed how they were conned, robbed and then duped again by a 25-year old woman named Tonia.

Tonia Rene Hart, 25, of the 5400 block of Blow Street, told police that her boyfriend had stolen her keys after an argument. The officers drove Hart to her boyfriend’s home, two blocks away, and left her in the cruiser while they went inside. They found no keys.

Jermaine Johnson is Probably The Worst Boyfriend Of All Time

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:00:48 +0000

Jermaine Johnson is really bad at relationships and we have no idea if eharmony scores go in to the negative ranges (or even if they have scores) but if anyone could do it, it’s Jermaine.

Jermaine was charged today on four new counts of felony, but we’ll get to that in a second. First here’s what he’s already done. The short version is: He broke in to his girlfriend’s house, poured lighter fluid on her and threatened to light a match while he raped her.

Just One? Oh KMOV, You’re Just Not Looking Hard Enough!

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:00:08 +0000

We noticed this headline last night on KMOV.com, but after a second we realized we always notice this headline on KMOV.com. Think of the time it saves to just always have this same headline on the home page! If someone calls you on it you’re only wrong for a max of like 30 minutes. It’s brilliant.

The Federal Government Finally Noticed How Hard East St. Louis Sucks

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:00:17 +0000

After the recent loss of yet another police chief, this one admitted to stealing XBox’s, the federal and Illinois State government finally realized something: East St. Louis is a big pile of bloody shit.

“We are looking at the development of a no-man’s land in certain parts of these communities where there is a complete lack of credible law enforcement,” said St. Clair County State’s Attorney Brendan Kelly, “and the people that live there, their safety is in peril.”

Guy That Escaped Meth House Explosion Gets Busted Via Facebook

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:00:31 +0000

A meth lab explosion in Cahokia ended with two men arrested soon after and a third, Gary Morrison, who initially eluded capture, and found the time to update his Facebook profile with a photo of his charred face. A photo that police say will definitely be used against him in his up-coming court case.

“It is one of the few times in my 20-year law enforcement career when we have gathered evidence like this using Facebook,” Detective Joe Beliveau said.

Boyfriend Babysitter Bites Four Year Old

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:00:46 +0000

Hey stupid moms, stop going to work and leaving your kids with your boyfriend! It never works out. “It’s no problem!” you think; “I’m sure he’s great with them!” you assume, but just because you feel like you’ve known him forever after he said “No it’s cool if they watch. I don’t mind kids.” after he became the surprise guest to last weekend’s drunken threesome, doesn’t mean he’s not going to do something equally horrible and far less consensual to your kids the minute you’re out of the house.

Lindenwood University Can’t Have Nice Things

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 13:00:46 +0000

Lindenwood University’s Belleville campus used to have a statue in anchored near the Welcome Center, but that statue was stolen because it’s St. Louis, and even weird statues anchored in concrete are no longer safe.

Investigators are trying to get to the bottom of an art heist in Belleville.

Not quite sure this counts as an “art heist”. We we think of art heists, we’re assuming an elaborate scheme to steal a Mona Lisa-type piece, and involve at least one hacker, one super hot chick, a smooth leader and one black dude to be the one that has to start a distraction when the shit goes down…not two assholes walking straight to it at 2:30am, pushing it over, throwing it in a ditch and then coming back for it with their truck.

Flow Chart Friday: Should I Shoot That Guy Over There?

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:00:25 +0000

It’s a question that pops in to the heads of many a St. Louis area resident: “Should I should that guy over there?” It’s not always an easy question, so going forward, use this handy flow chart to decide.

The original version had a part where it asked if you were from a drug-addled neighborhood in North City, and if so, proceed directly to “Shoot him!” but we took it out because if people from drug-addled neighborhoods in North City can’t read, so there’s really no point.

Teachers’ Aide Busted (Twice) For Molesting Disabled Kids

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:00:47 +0000

John Cuneo a 66 year-old teaching assistant at Sigel Elementary School was busted for molesting a mentally disabled child…and then probably molesting one more minutes later. …a maybe even accidentally molesting a few more, because to do something as brazen as this buttwipe did, you’re balls would have to be so big that incidental contact while walking the halls seems unavoidable.

Here’s the short version: A fellow school employee walks in a room to find Cuneo taking the boy’s hand and placing on his penis. Obviously outraged, the employee was walking back from just reporting the incident when she saw Cuneo walking yet another disabled kid in to a bathroom stall, causing her to report Cuneo yet again!

Some Fat Kid in Wig Tried to Steal a Bunch of Pork Products From the Alton Shop N Save

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:00:35 +0000

The 19-year old pictured above wearing his awesome wig, Darrion Taylor, was recently apprehended at the Alton Shop ‘N Save by the store’s security guard and his off-duty policeman father who was visiting the store that the time.

Taylor was trying to sneak out the following pork products totaling roughly $44 dollars:

2 packages of Pork Picnic Roast
2 packages of bacon
2 packages of Oreos
1 box of Peanut Butter Puffs cereal
1 package of “meat”
1 package of port shanks
1 package of Bar-S Jumbo Franks

From the looks of it also appears homeboy was smuggling a few hams in his shirt, but he may have had them already as KSDK didn’t list them in the oddly intricate details they provided for some reason. $44 dollars worth of pork products and being busted by a father and son team is all it takes to “earn” a local news report these days? The KSDK report even had people calling the arrest “heroic”, despite describing the takedown as following the guy in to the parking lot, telling him to stop, and then pulling his chubby ass out of the car he tried to get in to. How hard was it to catch this kid? He’s a fat guy wearing a wig! This didn’t need an act of heroism and a prime-time KSDK report, it needed a box, some bacon, a stick and some twine:

Sure He Kidnapped You and Tried to Steal Your Money, But How Can You Be Mad at a Guy With a Smile Like That?

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 17:00:50 +0000

The jovial fellow above is on Gabriel Williams, who has been charged with multiple burglary, robbery, kidnapping and weapons charges after a New Years Eve crime spree that involved kidnapping a Clayton couple and driving them to the nearby Schnucks to they could cash a check for him.

According to police, two suspects approached a man Saturday as he did yard work at his home in the 50 block of Arundel, in Clayton’s Demun neighborhood. The suspects, both armed, demanded money.

Stolen Tow Truck Used to Rob Family Dollar Store

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 13:00:21 +0000

Apparently there is something in a Family Dollar store than has some value: The safe.

Thieves used a tow truck to yank a large safe from a Family Dollar store early Monday morning, police said.

Police said it was unknown how much money was in the safe.

We’re betting is was mostly dollar bills, half of which were wadded up and probably wet for some reason. The other half smelled like menthol sadness.

Welcome to St. Louis: We Rob Nuns Here

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:00:44 +0000

So it’s come to this. We’re robbing nuns now.

St. Louis thugs, clearly running out of regular folks to terrorize within the city limits have decided to start going after the formally untouchable: Nuns. Yup, totally beating up and robbing nuns now. Watch your back babies, kittens and Rams QB Sam Bradford. You’re just as cute and harmless as you’ve always been, but apparently a lot closer to fair game than you’d think.

KMOV Refuses to Say The South City Peeping Tom Was Masturbating

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:00:30 +0000

There’s a “Peeping Tom” terrorizing South City neighborhoods creeping outside people’s windows and hanging out in alleys furiously jacking it. Even worse, he’s dying for that eye-contact.

The man has been spotted several times in the 7600 block of Virginia Street performing a solo sex act.

Residents say the man would stand outside people’s windows performing a sex act on himself, and those residents say has been happening for weeks.

Some Little Bitch Tried to Steal From a One-Legged Old Lady

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:00:36 +0000

Watch out everyone! Tough guy coming through! Brandon Welch, 20 (but apparently going on 12 by the looks of that photo) needed some money and he tried real hard to make it the honest way. He wanted to do some yard work, and even asked a whole two times before deciding to just get a mask and go the home invasion route on the only person in St. Louis his little ass thought he could take: A 80 year old lady in a wheelchair because she lost a leg to gangrene.

Repeatedly Stabbing Your Mom is No Way to Win an Argument

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 13:00:37 +0000

You come home late one night and your mother is waiting for you. You’re a little drunk, but you can play it off and control yourself but screw that! You’re 44 years old and the last thing you want to do is to have this discussion about your drinking again with Mom…but you know you can’t avoid it now. The arguing starts and you’ve been down this road so often you might as well have a script, but tonight’s different. You’re not the usual drunk, you’re “stabby drunk” and the fact that this lady squeezed you out of her vag and is only trying to help doesn’t mean you won’t stab her repeatedly to make her stop. Everyone knows the best way to say “I don’t have a problem dammit!” is to stab someone. She might die, and you will probably end up in jail, but come on! She said you have a drinking problem, so what are you going to do? Not stab your mom? No, of course you’ll stab her, and then you’ll go have that last beer in the fridge you’ve had your eye on. Yup, this is going to work out great for everyone!

O’Fallon Man Got Busted For Being Internet Perv

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 13:00:31 +0000

Robert Stevens, a 34 year old man from O’Fallon, Missouri, was charged with five counts of being a total perv after exposing himself to teenage girls on the internet.

A St. Charles Sheriff’s Department detective wrote in court documents that in September, Stevens opened five separate user accounts on the social networking site myYearbook.

The website captured the images of Stevens exposing himself and notified authorities. The default settings to communicate via webcam to other users was set so that Stevens could communicate with 13 to 17-year-old girls, the detective wrote.

Drunk Guy Arrested After Eating Stranger’s Cereal

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:00:41 +0000

Early Sunday morning a drunk guy wandered in to someone’s house in Columbia, Illinois, grabbed a bowl of cereal and made himself at home. He didn’t sneak in, just came right in through the front door, right passed the home owner and chilled in their kitchen.

“He walked into the house. The dad met him in the living room. He thought he was a friend of one of his sons at first.”

Wentzville Tattoo Artist Invents New Belly Piercing Remover…Oh Wait. That’s Just a Gun.

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 13:00:35 +0000

A Wentzville tatto shop owner is facing gun and drug charges, which is a total bummer since he’s already in trouble for getting caught video taping women in his shop’s bathroom. The real shame of all of this is the lost of trust, because if you can’t trust your small town creepy tattoo artist to not shoot you or videotape you in the horrible little bathroom, then what do you have in this world?!

Wildwood Man Gets Caught Using Fake Dick to Pass Drug Test

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 13:00:55 +0000

Here’s what we learned today: Drug test forging or “possession of a forging instrumentality” are felonies. In more layman’s terms, trying to get past your court mandated drug-checking urine test by purchasing a fake penis filled with fake piss can get you in a lot of trouble.

According to paperwork filed in St. Louis County Circuit Court, Eric A. Throckmorton, 29, of the 16200 block of Port of Nantucket in the Grover area of Wildwood, was charged earlier this month with one count each of forgery and possession of a forging instrumentality. Both are Class C felonies.

Really Happy Fat Guy Busted For Marijuana Possession

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Richard Nolan was arrested by the Illinois State Police after they stopped the 66 year old for “improper lane usage” and found eight duffel bags filled with marijuana. All told, Nolan has 118 pounds of the wacky tobacky in the car while driving on I-55/I-70.

Nolan’s picture (right) illustrating his jubliant demeanor means that it was either taken just before they told him that he won’t be taking his luggage full of weed with him, just after he helped himself to that special brownie in his pocket, the mugshot guy has really mastered the “look at the stuffed animal to make people smile” technique, or it’s just true that fat old people really are just jolly all the time.

Lady Shoots Little Girl in the Back With BB Gun Because Shut Up! You Want Some Too?!

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:00:33 +0000

A 20 year old Shiloh woman is in jail tonight because she decided to shoot a 10 year old in the back with a BB gun one fateful October 30th afternoon. “What the hell is wrong with this broad?” is what you might be thinking, but wait…this is the metro East area we’re talking about and she only used a BB gun. Sounds like the little tyke got off easy. Middle school is when they start dodging .45 rounds.

Occupy Protestors Arrested, At Least One Realizes That Jail Isn’t Fun

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:00:47 +0000

Friday night the deadline ordered by the Mayor’s office gave passed, and so police converged on downtown’s Kiener Plaza to disperse the Occupy STL protestors. Many did just that, but 27 were arrested and dude…you’re not going to believe this…but like…they went to the same jail as like people that totally broke laws and junk! Eww!

KMOX’s Brad Choat, on the scene outside the jail Saturday afternoon reports one of the protesters was released shortly before 2 pm. She is a 37-year-old woman from St. Jacob, Illinois who says she was kept in a cell with eight other women, including two non-protest prisoners.

Mayor Slay Found an Almost Dead Guy in South City

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 12:00:04 +0000

No, no no. This isn’t some symbolic deal where we say Mayor Slay found the beaten body of a nearly dead spirit of St. Louis on the sidewalk that told him he should probably do a little more about the crime. Mayor Slay actually found the beaten body of a nearly dead guy on the sidewalks of South City.

Mayor Slay said he was traveling along South Grand Boulevard near the intersection of Utah Street in south St. Louis when he came upon a man who had been assaulted. The man was lying in a pool of his own blood on the side of the street and was unconscious.

Kansas City Man Runs Naked in to House, and in to Child’s Room

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 16:00:41 +0000

Everyone has that crazy cousin right? Well not like these Kansas City folks who probably won’t be inviting their Kentucky cousin back to Kansas City for the holidays after he did some wild stuff. Now sure, this kinda thing might sound pretty reasonable for people in Kentucky, but ’round these parts (yes, even Kansas City), it’s pretty “weird” alright. By “weird’ we mean “molester-ish”. Oh, and by “molester-ish” we mean “seriously 100% messed up and totally molester-y”…seriously.

Illinois’ Has Run Out of Ideas, Turns to Posters to Stop Meth

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 12:00:09 +0000

Meth is a serious problem for the world, and the midwest specifically. No one knows that more than Missouri and Illinois who have tried everything from technology to legislation to stem the tied of stinky, rash covered meth users. …ok not everything. There is one thing Illinois has left in it’s pocket. It’s been afraid to use it up until now, but dammit, it’s time to go all in! See if you can handle this meth addiction!

Hey Ladies: He Looks Like That and He’s a Sex Offender!

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 16:00:46 +0000

Michael Campbell of Springfield, Missouri was arrested the other day after coming within 500 feet of a playground or public pool. Campbell was detained, not because he looks like the freaking boogey man, but because he’s also a sex offender, adding a second reason he should be nowhere near children. How this creepy bastard doesn’t have a crappy SyFy Channel or Lifetime movie about him yet, we have no idea.

Dan McLaughlin Busted For Drunk Driving Again

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 01:05:20 +0000

Everyone’s “favorite” Cardinals broadcaster, Dan McLauglin, was busted for drinking and driving again Sunday night. This time after crashing his car in a single car accident in Chesterfield.

Cardinals broadcaster Dan McLaughlin has been cited for drunken driving for a second time after a stop by Chesterfield police on Sunday.

Police said McLaughlin, 37, was stopped at 10:13 p.m. on Baxter Road and Isleview Drive after he crashed his vehicle. No other vehicle was involved, police say, but they declined to elaborate.

Woman Turns in Fiancee After Discovering He’s a Pedophile

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 12:00:37 +0000

“What? No! You’re crazy. He’s not like that at all!”

“We need a van because the extra cargo space is nice, ok?!”

“What do you mean we need more Butterfingers? Didn’t I just buy a bunch of them!?”

“Oh come on mom! How does someone look like a pedophile?”

“Hey honey? Can I borrow your phone for a second I gotta check the traffic for my dri…what the hell is this?!”

An Overly Theatric Thief Robbed Some People in Dellwood

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 12:00:40 +0000

Did you guys see the guy running around Dellwood Sunday night with a shotgun and wearing a hockey mask? Well don’t get too excited…it turns out that he wasn’t Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles extra Casey Jones as we originally thought. Meaning, one, that our autograph is seemingly worthless, and two, that he was probably the guy that robbed the home for mentally disabled adults around those parts. Sure, this is St. Louis, and there could have been two guys in hockey masks and shotguns, but we have a hunch that this was the guy.

Don’t Walk on the Poplar Street Bridge

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 12:00:20 +0000

Early Sunday morning a drunk driving a Mustang hit a St. Louis PD car, drove past the officer that was trying to stop him and then proceeded east on to the Poplar Street Bridge where it swerved, hitting two pedestrians, sending one to the hospital and knocking the other off the bridge to his death. Horrible way to die.

We would avoid any and all walking on the Poplar Street Bridge, especially going east-bound but that’s just us. There’s nothing over there, but Illinois! No joke. If you keep walking you’d eventually hit a Chili’s, but there isn’t a Fajita Trio big enough to get me to walk that far and dodge that many drunken illegal Mexicans.

St. Louis Can’t Even Keep the Few Criminals They Do Catch In Jail

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 16:00:15 +0000

Just to keep the math easy, lets say St. Louis actually takes down 10 criminals a day. 5 of which are released for various reasons and 2 went down in a blaze of gun fire leaving just 3 criminals we need to put in jail. Of those 3, it seems like at least 1 will just walk out in to the street. “Hey you guys coming?!”, he’ll yell at the remaining 2. “Nah. It’s sloppy joe night. We’ll just escape next week. Salisbury steak sucks anyway.”

Guy Admits To Robbing Over 160 Cars a Month

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 12:00:15 +0000

While trying to hunt down a stolen car last Friday, Lincoln County cops stumbled upon a car jacking savant out in Winfield, Missouri. Joseph Walker the 3rd is only 19, but he’s managed to display his skills in a way very unbecoming of someone who is “the 3rd” of anything.

The Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office Patrol Division had been attempting to locate an older model Black GMC Sonoma. The driver of the Sonoma was observed on surveillance camera several days earlier, both at Jack in the Box and Fast Lane in Troy, making purchases with a stolen credit card from one of the vehicles.

North City White Castle Thief Thought She Could Make the Jump

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 12:00:15 +0000

A North City woman is in the hospital after jumping from the roof of a third story building because she was being chased by police after robbing a nearby White Castle drive-through. You know an illegal adventure involving White Castle looks like fun in the movies, but in real life Neil Patrick Harris isn’t always there to catch you when you fall.

The employee handed a locked cash drawer to the woman who then drove away. Police tracked the woman’s car to the 1900 block of Warren Street and entered a building where she was located.

Collinsville Police Chief Takes Stand Against Pants Sagging Law

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 12:00:23 +0000

Everyone jumped on the story a few weeks ago about Collinsville banning sagging pants because it’s a stupid law that either won’t be enforced, or will be enforced until the cops get tired of looking like assholes writing tickets to some beltless kid. You know who agrees with this assessment? The Collinsville Police Chief.

[P]olice Chief Scott Williams told Knabel and City Council members that he’s fundamentally opposed to the new law, which makes wearing pants 3 inches below the hips illegal.

Missouri Sheriffs Association Caught in Crossfire Between Justice System and Antisec Hackers

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:00:15 +0000

The “Antisec” movement of hackers have taken down some big-time websites recently. The Arizona Department of Public Safety, the government of Brazil, and british newspapers The Sun and The Times where they posted a fake story about fellow-hacking lover and news mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Last weekend though, they took down the Missouri Sheriffs Association. Not quite as glamourous as The Sun, but still pretty damaging. Not only is the Sheriffs Association’s site (mosheriffs.com) still down as of this writing, but the crackers also managed to penetrate their database posting the names, addresses, social security numbers and passwords of lots and lots of Missouri cops.

St. Charles County Home to World’s Best Mom

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 16:00:14 +0000

Kelli Horton (right) is the coolest mom ever! First, she took her kids for a car ride, then to McDonald’s for lunch, and then she let them play in the play area for as long as they wanted! Dude, that must have been the best day ever! Mom, can we get ice cream too? Mom…?

A St. Charles County woman was arrested at a McDonald’s on Highway 94 Tuesday after leaving her children in a play area while she took heroin in the bathroom, police say.

Mug Shot of the Day

Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:00:42 +0000

Today’s winner is on Perry Crawford who…

…is facing charges for burglary, assault, possession of a controlled substance and resisting arrest. Police say he burglarized a home in Wright City, Mo. on July 7 and assaulted on officer.

…and then apparently recieved the same pillow in prison that we have at home since we too wake up with a full loop on the top of our heads some times. The gross legions must have been caused by his mattress…or his fight with the police…or AIDS. Either way, he’s really freaking out our friend “surprised cat”.

St. Louis is Home to the Only People That Actually Wanted to Get in a Radio Shack

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 21:18:40 +0000

Ever been to a Radio Shack? No? Well don’t bother. They’re empty little stores filled with horrible cell phones, overly expensive cables and little portable black and white TVs that are totally pointless, unless you like watching Mr. Bean reruns on PBS through a haze of static on a 2.5-inch screen. No one wants to go in to a Radio Shack…well, almost no one.

The target of the vandals was the Radio Shack store in the 3500 block of Hampton Avenue near Potomac Street. The bandits smashed windows in the store front around 1:15 Friday morning, then looted the business taking electronics and various components before fleeing in a vehicle.

Translating Police Chief Dan Isom’s Response To Citizen’s Police Complaints

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:44:32 +0000

Over the last weekend a piece ran in the Post Dispatch about a guy that had his laptop stolen. With the help of exactly no one, he managed to locate the thief by logging in to his computer and trick him in to typing in his name and address. The victim gave all the information to the police who did…nothing.

Four days after the June 20 burglary of his Pennsylvania Avenue home, Van Almsick grew tired of waiting.

St. Louis Police Release Car Jacker, Said He Had an Honest Face

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 12:00:49 +0000

After having over 20 cars broken in to downtown, the St. Louis Police finally made a breakthrough over the weekend when they arrested two suspects in connection with the break-ins…and by “connection”, we mean that they totally did it.

Suspect Calvin Willis, 25, was ordered held on $75,000 bond after being charged with second degree assault, first degree tampering and resisting arrest.

Alright! Yeah! Maybe next time you’ll think twice before doing something hurtful like trying to steal our Paula Cole CD off our passenger seat! Where have all the cowboys gone?! Calvin stole them, that’s where, but now he’s in jail.

Breaking Down Hillsboro’s Sexy Garage Burglary

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 14:03:40 +0000

It all started out so normally: A man and a woman were burglarizing a home in Hillsboro, Missouri last Sunday, gleefully picking through a selection of power tools and DVD players in the home’s garage, but to say it got weird next doesn’t quite cover it. Here’s where the train came off the tracks and drove directly in to a tanker truck of crazy, causing a massive WTF explosion: First, the felonious couple decided they needed to have sex. Yeah, right there in the garage they were robbing. Apparently nothing says “Do me!” like a old stolen circular saw, but, and god help us we’d love to know why, Mrs. Burglar suddenly decided to pepper spray Mr. Burglar mid-coitus! Mrs. Burglar then took off their car, promptly driving it into a nearby pond, while Mr. Burglar managed to get up and try to make an escape, but not before he was spotted by the homeowner leading to his eventual capture as he was fleeing on foot, wearing only a raincoat.

St. Charles Man Exposes Himself at Pool Twice This Month

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 12:00:57 +0000

A St. Charles man has been arrested after he exposed himself to the patrons at Wapelhorst Park pool Tuesday.

The St. Charles County man, 53, pulled down his swimsuit, exposing his buttocks and genitals about 1 p.m. at the park’s public pool in the 1900 block of Muegge Road, police said. Several other customers, including children and seniors, were using the pool at the time.

We’ll give him credit for being confident enough to stare a public shrinkage viewing the face and still decide to go through with a plan, but maybe there’s a better way to go about drying off your winkie dink.

Stupid Richmond Heights Kids Are Stupid and Violent

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:00:59 +0000

Police told me that it was a game called the ‘Knock Out Kings’ and they targeted me because I looked weak and feminine. It is a sick game. I mean it is a stupid game, it’s a sick game. Games are supposed to be fun. This is not fun at all. It’s not fun to get knocked out. It is not fun to get your nose fractured

Nameless Statues Appear in Front of Scottrade Center

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 16:00:59 +0000

It took a few months, but someone finally noticed the two statues of…some…uh…dudes in front of Scottrade Center. Hmm. We feel like we should know who these statues are of, but without proper name plates how the hell are we supposed to know? Hockey player statues need name plates ok?! NFL? Baseball? Totally different stories. St. Louisans can spot even a crappy likeness of Stan Musial a mile away, but hockey players? We love the Blues, but we need name plates. Ok, total shot in the dark here…is one of them Wayne Gretzky? He’s a big St. Louis icon from his epic time rocking a blue note!

Police Say Your Downtown Parked Car Might Get Stolen, Public Replies With “Duh.”

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:00:16 +0000

Friday night, 62 cars were broken into downtown, most of them just south of Busch Stadium. It’s time like these when we wish the police would tell us everything’s going to be ok and that not to worry, they’ve got things under control. We don’t live in a town where you can’t even go to a ballgame without thinking about what inning you should leave to go get your car rather than thinking about what inning you have to leave before your deluxe nachos make a reappearance south of the border, do we?

Man Shot in Groin, Probably Felt Less Funny Than It Sounds

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 14:00:13 +0000

A St. Louis man was walking down the street when he was robbed and then shot…in the dick.

Officials say that the victim was walking west on Dr. Martin Luther King Drive when a maroon van occupied by a group of black men stopped. The suspect exited the van and demanded property.

The suspect took a bag from the victim containing a wallet and a camera before firing shots at the victim, striking him in the groin.

Man Starts Armed Police Standoff While Holding Infant

Mon, 30 May 2011 19:00:46 +0000

Sure no one would ever want to shoot a baby, but honestly, a one month old is way too little to be an effective human shield. You cover chest and you expose the face, cover your face with the baby and you expose your chest as well as your nose to any baby stink. The trick really is to find the perfect mix of size and cute “You wouldn’t shoot me, would you Mr. Policeman?” factor. Your best bet is Justin Bieber, but the Biebs wasn’t in North St. Louis the other day, so one would have to improvise with a baby.

St. Louis Judge Jack Garvey Is Taking a Stand Against Gun Violence

Fri, 27 May 2011 13:00:12 +0000

Holy crap, it’s about time! City Judge Jack Garvey (not pictured) has decided that enough is enough with the gun-related violence in the city and is doing what he can to stop it. Specficially, he’s taking every gun-related case that comes through his courtroom and multiplying the standard bond by 10.

Judge Jack Garvey is now requiring suspects to post from $30,000 to $50,000 cash bond to be released until their case is heard.

Whoops: St. Charles Releases Wrong Guy From Jail

Thu, 26 May 2011 14:00:52 +0000

Maybe the St. Charles County Jail should invest in name tags, or maybe just a new policy instructing the staff to ask someone’s name before they release them from jail. Pretty clear that current the “Which one of you are supposed to be released?!” method has some flaws.

Matthew C. Gierer, 26, of the 4200 block of Spring Branch Drive in St. Charles County was accidentally released Tuesday and was free for nearly eight hours before he turned himself in about 7:15 p.m.

St. Louis is Tough on Trash Dumping

Wed, 25 May 2011 14:00:42 +0000

[Editor’s Note: So since the time of this story’s writing last night, another story broke about a baby being found dead in a dumpster. Certainly a sad story, and one we may cover in a separate post. However, if you feel yourself getting pissy on this story simply because the word “dumpster” is a common thread, take a deep breath and read our story, slowly, so it sinks in, past the crazy parts of your brain. The post below uses St. Louis’ focus on random trash dumping to illustrate it’s lack of focus on violent crime where the real problem is…I wish we could think of an example of violent crime we need to stop…oh yeah, how about a freaking baby being found in a dumpster! This morning’s news is sad and odd in the way it lines up with my example here, but if anything, it strengthens my point. Feel free to hate it/us if you’d like to still remain crazy though.]

Monday Morning Venn Diagrams

Mon, 23 May 2011 12:00:37 +0000

Venn Diagrams are awesome. They are like if science forgot to use a coaster and at first you’re like “What the hell man?!” but then what are you going to do about it? Nothing. Does it look cool? Eh. Cool enough.

City Police Mobilize on a Barrel Full of White Powder

Fri, 20 May 2011 17:08:31 +0000

A 55-gallon drum was found, rusted and broken open, spilling it’s contents of white powder in to a St. Louis alley in Ward 11. Of course, people were frightened. What was the white powder? Is it anthrax? Have the terrorist gotten lazy and started just throwing partially open barrels out of cars after their big boss is busy floating in the ocean, which has to sting with all the salt water in that head wound.

Police Sweep Through Cahokia, Arresting Pretty Much Everyone

Fri, 20 May 2011 13:00:14 +0000

Cahokia, Illinois isn’t just an 6th grade class’ field trip location to learn about indians, it also happens to be completely overrun by criminals. In a shocking move the police finally got together to solve the problem and someone asked “Well, could just go get them at their house?”

That’s just crazy enough to work.

Dozens of law enforcers swept every home, looking for wanted criminals.

“A lot of people scattered, retreated into their homes,” State’s Attorney Brendan Kelly said of the scene when officers rolled in.

Crazy Old Man Arrested for Being a Crazy Old Man With a Gun

Wed, 18 May 2011 13:05:22 +0000

You know how people always say “I can’t wait to be old so I can get away with everything.” Well, that’s not entirely true. Sure you can get away with butt pinching, driving too slow, telling little kids that they’re ugly to their face, lingering while hugging your gradson’s hot girlfriend, saying racist stuff, and having a visible boner, but, while all those things are awesome, you really can’t get away with everything. Ask the crazy 81-year-old escapee from a Camdenton care facility (read: death’s waiting room) who thought “walking around with a gun” was on the list, but found out just after police officers tackled his old ass, that it was not.

Ok, We Get It: St. Louis is a Violent Place to Live

Fri, 13 May 2011 15:30:30 +0000

In a report by Blythe Bernhard on STLToday.com:

Youths in the city are killed by gun violence more often than in any other city except New Orleans, according to federal data released Thursday.

…and New Orleans doesn’t really count since it’s like those tennis shoes that got really wet one weekend. Sure you kept them, but you’re not wearing them any more even after they dried out because now they smell funny.

A North Side Story

Tue, 10 May 2011 20:00:01 +0000

There are some that believe, despite all the evidence to the contrary, like the dropping population numbers, the fact we have our own, albeit crappy, superhero, and that St. Louis’s crime issue isn’t as bad as folks like us make it out to be.

To those people, we present this, the saddest, craziest story we’ve heard of…so far this week:

In short, a group of people gathered in the street for a vigil for their slain family member and friend last week. During the vigil, cars pulled up and began firing shots at the crowd of mourners, prompting return fire from some attending the vigil, while others, like 21-year old Kiara Saffold, tried to run for cover, but during her escape she was hit by a car that just kept on driving. Kiara was in the hospital in serious condition and then died Saturday afternoon.

Illinois Drunk Drivers Deliver Themselves to the Police Department

Tue, 10 May 2011 18:20:12 +0000

So you’re a regular run of the mill Illinois woman who looks like a high school boy and gets in a fight with your (taking a shot in the dark here) lesbian partner and you decide that the only people that can settle this dispute are the proper authorities, right? So you and your girl hop in the car and head to the Illinois State Police headquarters, problem solved! …Oh wait…you haven’t been drinking have you?

Gas Station Drunk Beating Officer Ries Cleared of All Charges

Wed, 04 May 2011 20:40:04 +0000

The off duty police officer featured in the infamous YouTube video recorded on New Year’s Eve and released a few days later was cleared of all charges, while the drunk who got to taste the business end of a nightstick was charged with misdemeanor assault for lunging at the officer’s ankles.

The two-minute, 13-second video showed Officer Dustin Ries, 38, pulling a man away from a car, beating him with a police baton and spraying him with pepper spray. Ries, who was off-duty working security at the gas station, handcuffed the man and walked him toward a police substation there.

Moped Drive-Bys Are A Thing Now

Mon, 02 May 2011 16:00:15 +0000

Times are though, and when you want to kill someone without having to give up your in-aimable Uzi, sacrifices must be made!

According to authorities two men performed a drive-by shooting on a red moped.

One victim was shot in his side while sitting in his car. He is listed in serious condition.

The second victim was shot in the arm while standing on the sidewalk.

The suspects fled the scene.

We’re Pretty Sure Nate Dogg Robbed a Granite City Cash Store

Mon, 02 May 2011 12:00:48 +0000

Ok, ok you’re pretty sure Nate Dogg’s dead right? We were too…until…seriously, hang in there with us for a second…we saw this security camera still taken from the Granite City, Illinois Advanced America Cash Advance (Where the second “advance” means advance!) store.

…and then remembered this:

Ok, so that’s definitely Nate Dogg, who isn’t dead, and/or has now become a zombie. No word on Eazy E’s status as of yet, but he had AIDS…and um…AIDS even takes out zombies we figure, so he might just still be dead. We’s use our vast investigative network to double check, but dude…AIDS. He’s dead. Trust us he’s dead. Nate Dogg: Pretty sure he’s alive now and robbing stores in western Illinois, Eazy E: Still dead with the AIDS.

The Important Thing Was She Gave the Pervert the Correct Time

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 14:00:21 +0000

When you’re 17 you do some crazy stuff. One summer a few of us guys decided to make a pact to get laid before we went to college, it was a wild time trying to get laid and win the bet. One guy screwed a pie, another guy banged the other dude’s mom and along the way we coined the term MILF that is still a popular parlance today. That may have actually been a movie I saw when we were 17, but still…wild times. We remember the popcorn was pretty buttery and we when realized we didn’t have any napkins…we wiped our hands on the seat. Right on the seat! …long story short, we felt horrible about it and told the janitor right after the movie, but oh man! You should’ve seen the look on his face! It was probably a lot like the look on a Godfrey woman’s face after Latayuss Curry showed her his chubby in the Schnuck’s parking lot. …nailed it! That is how you segue my friends!

Score One For Dierbergs: Man Runs Over People in Schnucks Parking Lot

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 16:00:58 +0000

A 61-year old man hopped in his car in the parking lot of a Creve Coeur Schnucks and attempted to run over people Saturday morning. In summary, on Josef Achtentuch went bat shit crazy at a Schnucks. Probably to teach the local grocer a much needed lesson about keeping your salad bar up with the competition. Dierbergs’ salad bars are much better. We mean like, way better. Like three different kinds of croutons better.

Two of the Worst People Ever Escape From St. Louis Jail

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:58 +0000

In a story so weird, only a giant, airport stomping storm could blow it off the front page, two prisoners escaped from the St. Louis Justice Center. A jail so high-tech that it’s only venerability are movie escape plots.

Inmates Vernon Lamont Collins, 34, and David White, 33, apparently broke out a front window and scaled down the front of the building at 200 S. Tucker Boulevard using black bedsheets tied together with rope. The mostly translucent window on the west facade faces Tucker, directly across the street from City Hall.

Don’t Worry Folks, the Vindicator Will Save Us

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 12:00:38 +0000

A link has been making the rounds recently of a Craigslist ad from a man calling himself the Vindicator, and he claims he is St. Louis’ masked vigilante. Nothing like putting a Craigslist ad out there in the “nonprofit jobs” section to drum up interest in your burgeoning superhero career. We believe this is the same way Batman found Robin…that was back in the day though when grown men could put an ad up that read “Powerful man in tight clothes and cape looking for young athletic boy to help beat off Gotham City’s biggest brutes! Must love masks.” and just think they’re looking for a sidekick.

Man Beaten With 2×4 in North City Basement

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 15:00:09 +0000

A man and his girlfriend are telling police of one really really bad day where the man was being confined to a North City basement and beaten with 2×4’s. Wow, that sounds pretty ba…oh and then he was moved to another vacant North City home a block over and beaten more there. Yikes.

According to Lieutenant Dan Zarrick, a girlfriend received a call from her boyfriend that he’s being held against his will and assaulted in the basement of a house in the 5400 block of Partridge.

Man Beats Girl to Death, Blames Actions on Poor CPR Instructions During Appeal

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 16:00:52 +0000

Quintin Gray was found guilty and sentenced to 25 years for beating his girlfriend’s 3-year-old little girl to death back in early 2008. Gray is now appealing that charge and though he isn’t exactly refuting the vicious beating he laid on the little girl, he is offering a reason as to why the beating happened.

He was trying to give the girl CPR and he just isn’t very good at it! Apparently the line between firm thrusts to the chest the for resuscitation of a child is just one bad instruction from punching her in the face repeatedly and whipping her with a belt.

License Plate Stickers Could Move to Your Dashboard

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 16:00:10 +0000

A common, but often over-looked crime in the St. Louis area is the theft of those little license plate stickers. Sure, most people are pissed, but not bleeding when they realize they’ve been victimized, so it’s not exactly at the top of everyone’s mind, but estimations are that the sticker theft costs the state of Missouri around $10 Million every year. That’s a lot. Like “turn out the lights and lets do this thing…no kissing though” a lot. Oh like you didn’t do stuff for money in college!

Prentice Nash: Duck-Faced Killa

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 17:00:04 +0000

Prentice Nash was arrested for the fatal shooting of Wade Finch in a crime that if you closed your eyes and just heard the names you’d swear it was two chubby, rich white kids in sweater vests fighting over a Faberge egg.

Investigators believe Nash, whose home is in the 6600 block of Mignon, about a half-mile from the scene, killed Finch during a robbery attempt.

Nash is charged with 2nd degree murder, first degree robbery and armed criminal action.

O’Fallon Police Finger the Fingerer Named Finger For Child Molestation

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 19:00:22 +0000

O’Fallon, MO police have taken Robert Finger in to custody and charged him with two counts of statutory sodomy and one count of attempted child molestation.

…and yeah, this (alleged) child molester’s name is Finger. Also, that picture on the right isn’t a sketch we made of what the classic molester guy looks like, that’s Mr. Finger himself. …oh and one more little thing:

Prosecutors said Finger had a prior sex offense in Tennessee but had not registered as a sex offender in Missouri despite living here for about four years.

Sheriff Arrested on Suspicion of Being a Meth Dealer

Tue, 05 Apr 2011 18:00:10 +0000

“Freaking cops! Stealing your stash and then they don’t report it! They just take it themselves and sell it out! Punks they just as bad as the people they bustin’!” Oh fictitious bitter criminal, you’re assumptions that every cop is dirty amuse us…but even a drug-addled, retarded clock is right twice a day.

A southeast Missouri sheriff is now charged with distribution of methamphetamine.

Carter County Sheriff Tommy Adams was arrested Saturday. Carter County prosecutor Rocky Kingree filed formal charges Monday. Adams, who is 31, is jailed on $250,000 cash-only bond. He does not yet have an attorney.

Rolla Farm Boy Loves Him Some Kiddie Porn!

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 19:00:24 +0000

Terry Dunaway of Rolla, Missouri was arrested for possession of child pornography Wednesday.

Clearly he was arrested at an important event, like a work meeting or a gala held in a friend’s parents’ basement, since he was wearing his best “Farm Boy” shirt.

The police discovered his stash during a random “Yeah, that guy looks pretty perv-y” check. You’d really like those checks to be more ineffective, but you can’t argue with the results.

Oh Sure, Blame the Fake Pot Now

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 12:00:06 +0000

The guy that ran in to the St. Peters church screaming and knocking over people the other day, has blamed all of his actions on fake pot. Yup, fake pot. Had to have been the fake pot. Oh and let us guess, he ran in to the church to get help right?

Police said [Dustin W. Ostmann] told them he had smoked a sythetic marijuana called “Knock Out.” They said frightening hallucinations led him randomly to the church to seek help. Once there, though, he ran screaming through the halls, pushed down a 14-year old, threw a table at a 71-year-old and assaulted a 61-year-old, police said. They said the final assault victim restrained Ostmann.

Whatever the Hell This Thing Is Kills Dogs

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 12:00:44 +0000

You’re not reading this and that’s ok. We know your gaze is locked directly on to the lone open eye on that monkey’s butt that guy calls a face, which also just happens to be the single grossest and creepiest eye ever. There’s no use trying to figure out what this guy could have possibly done to a witch doctor to deserve that kind of a ugly spell, so we’ll keep going anyway with telling you about this guy’s story. Seriously, even if you look away from the photo and then just glance back, the first thing you focus on is the eye right? It might be worth having that thing if it shot lasers but…eh…no still not worth it.

Random Bones Found Near Lambert Airport

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 16:00:06 +0000

Police are investigating a pair of bones that were discovered on land owned by Lambert Airport, it is not known if the bones are human or just, boringly, animal.

The bones were found in a vacant field near Scudder and Mable Avenue. The property is in Kinloch but is owned by Lambert Airport.

A St. Louis City official said the airport hired a contractor to clean up the lot because it had been used as an illegal dumping ground.

St. Louis Police Try to Squash Scrap Metal Theft

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 12:00:38 +0000

Since the beginning of 2010 there has been 3,485 incidents, totaling over $4.6 million dollars, of scrap metal theft in the St. Louis area, with the most common form being the theft of copper tubing from homes. When asked for a response, the Mayor’s office (probably) offered: “What do you want from us? Geez. It’s better than getting knife-raped.” Well, that’s a good point, but this still seems like a pretty big problem, so the police are looking in to the matter by rounding up the area scrap metal dealers and asking them to please stop facilitating this whole shady industry since we’re all pretty sure there isn’t an underground penny counterfeiting copper press somewhere all the copper thieves have access too.

Bryan Lang Had A Lot of Meth Labs In His Place

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 12:00:57 +0000

At what point are a bunch of meth labs so close together that they become one really super big meth lab? No one knows, especially the Warrenton Police Department because they’re saying they found a whopping 30 different meth labs in his Warren County home.

The cops stumbled upon Bryan Lang’s little meth-apoloza when going to search his house after a warrant had been issued in connection to an ongoing burglary investigation.

St. Louis Cop Claims Responsibility for Leaked Crime Scene Photo

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 12:00:06 +0000

This is where we would normally ask if you remember the case a few days ago where a US Marshal was killed in the process of trying to take down one Carlos Boles and that since then, there as been a leaked crime scene Boles’ lifeless body leaked to the internet. We would say that, but we know that most of you already know this because people have been coming here in droves to see if we had it. (We didn’t.) But while all of you scoured the internet for a shot of the photo you’d been hearing about, authorities have been searching for who took and released the photo. Total lost cause though right? US Marshals, FBI, St. Louis Police…anyone in any of the groups we just mentioned could have leaked the photo and who’s to say which of those fine, up-standing organizations would have the nerve to leak a graphic crime scene photo in the middle of the investigation…oh god please please please please let it have been the FBI so St. Louis doesn’t come off looking like douche bags again…

Washington Meth Lab Doubled as a Daycare

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 16:00:35 +0000

Washington, Missouri police were about to bust yet another meth lab when the realized something: There’s more kids running around here than you would expect at a meth lab.

Authorities got a search warrant to search the residence around 1 p.m. on Saturday after a male occupant had recently been investigated for narcotics.

After police were inside, they found eight children sleeping. According to police, a woman inside the home had drug paraphernalia in her hand when they arrived. Upon further investigation, police found meth and a scale in a make-shift office and chemicals and debris in the basement garage. All the rooms where the dangerous chemicals and drugs were kept were unlocked. Police said the children could have gotten their hands on the illegal substances and possibly injured.

And the Award of Best Makeup in a Robbery Goes to…

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 16:00:53 +0000

This dude, who robbed a St. Charles gas station after going through all the trouble to make himself look like a mexican with a goatee despite the fact that we can see his white guy neck. The goatee looks really nice though…didn’t really color outside the lines at all! Maybe next time, think about going with the sombrero…really drive it home!

via KMOV

Lawn Darts are Serious Federal Business

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 19:00:34 +0000

Some guy in Jefferson County sells lawn darts (naturally) online and the feds just shut his ass down! The FBI order of “dangerousness of stuff” goes in this order: 1. Movie piracy 2. Child porn 3. Lawn darts 4. Lindsay Lohan 5. Terrorism

The U.S. Attorney’s office in St. Louis filed suit Tuesday to stop a Jefferson County retailer from selling banned lawn darts.

The civil complaint, which asks a judge to ban future sales of the darts, says that Jefferson County resident Steve King has been selling the darts since at least 2009 from one of his websites, Lawndartparts.com. In two online stings, undercover investigators from the Consumer Product Safety Commission bought darts twice, the complaint says.

Jogger Gets Pantsed, Didn’t Think It Was Funny

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 16:00:19 +0000

A Belleville woman fought off an attacker that came up from behind her while jogging, pulled down her pants and jumped on top of her. He was going to go with flowers, but thought it seemed to cliche.

“Fortunately, she was able to fight him off enough, get up, get her wits together and took off running,” said Captain Don Sax with the Belleville Police Department said. “She began screaming as she was leaving and fortunately there was some other people on the trail that were on bicycles that were coming towards her so she ran towards them, they came towards her.”

Belleville Mom Takes a Stab at Mother of the Year

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 12:00:20 +0000

Oh moms! They always go too far and end up embarrassing you, like the time that a Belleville mother came home drunk, yelled at her four kids and eventually started chasing them around the house with a knife. Oh and then when the cops came to get her she kicked one right in the balls.

Someone’s sure earning her “Best Mom Ever” sweatshirt this year!

This totally reminds us of our mom who used to be there when we got home, be totally sober, make us dinner and then tuck us in to bed….but no story. What is that crap?! She might as well have chased us with a knife and kicked a cop in the balls. Sure the knife would have had peanut butter on it because she was making us sandwiches for lunch the next day and then write us a little note in there so we’d see it later and know how loved we were, but still, pretty inexcusable. If we didn’t take out all of our aggression and sexual angst on sleeping homeless people, our therapy bills would be huge with that kind of abuse at home.

South St. Louis Gun Fight Ends With Suspect and US Marshal Dead

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 13:00:35 +0000

A scene right out of an action movie played out in St. Louis again yesterday when two city police officers and eight (8!) US Marshals showed up at the door of the wanted Carlos Boles. Taking Mr. Boles in to custody at his South City home did not go smoothly.

Police and US Marshals then began a floor by floor search for Boles. Once discovered, the suspect fired and the law enforcement officials returned fire, according to William Sibert with the U.S. Marshals Service. Two US Marshals and one St. Louis City Police Officer were hit. The suspect was also shot and pronounced dead at the scene.

Update: Ritz Carlton “Molester” Just Really Really Really Drunk

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 13:00:17 +0000

Remember yesterday when everyone, including us, was in a tizzy over a guy who, according to authorities, tricked a front desk clerk into giving him a key to a little girl’s room and then kicked the chain off the door all to molest the girl and her friends? Ah, well, Daniel T. Hughes may not be the sinister girl groper that the initial report led everyone to believe.

A Crook Runs From the Law

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 20:00:24 +0000

File this under “dumbass”…and then sub-file it under “untrimmed goatee and need of a Flowbee touch up”: A man was charged on Friday with “Aggravated Fleeing” after he hit an Collinsville Police cruiser with his car and then ran…on foot…with his car still back there. Perfect plan! Now you’re busted and sweaty. You’ll have the last laugh though, don’t look in to the camera when shooting your mugshot. Ha! Ruined your photo.

Guy Breaks in to Ritz Carlton Room to Molest 9 Year-Old

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 13:00:19 +0000

Tricking a fancy hotel front desk person and kicking down doors are kinds of determination you really don’t see much of these days, which is too bad in a way, but in this particular way, it’s horrifyingly insane as it relates to a Pennsylvania man’s plan to break in to the room of a 9 year-old girl to cop a feel.

Clayton Police say Daniel Hughes, 42, of Conshohocken, Pennsylvania approached the the front desk around 4:00 a.m. Sunday and told the clerk he was staying in a specific room but that his room key wasn’t working.

St. Louis: The Face Shootin’-est City This Side of the Mississippi!

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:00:56 +0000

It’s been about 60 days, so we were due for a good ole fashioned St. Louis face shooting! This time it was in North St. Louis (Whaaat? No way!) off of Union, just north of Martin Luther King Dr (Double whaaaat?! No way!).

A 27-year-old man is in critical condition after being shot in the face outside of Union Market, in north St. Louis.

Police say the victim was walking out on the 1900 block of Union, when witnesses say they heard gunshotsand discovered the victim outside.

Maybe Just Don’t Worry About Line Cutters in North St. Louis

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 13:00:28 +0000

So you’re waiting in line to by your booze…at 10pm on a Sunday…and a dude rolls in and cuts in line. What do you do? Well if you’re in St. Peters, you probably do the old passive agressive “Ugh! Really?” Where you’re kinda talking to the guy behind you, but not really. If you’re really ballsy, and since you’re getting booze at 10pm on a Sunday we’re guessing you might be, maybe you tell the guy what’s up…get in his face a little bit. Tell him how much you need this 40 and he’s a little punk for cutting in line and cutters suck. Back of the line buddy!

Killed a Man in St. Louis Once, Just to See Him Fry

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 20:00:15 +0000

The killer was trying to hide in Chicago, but St. Louis police found and charged him with first-degree murder, stemming from a altercation five year ago. Andre McAfee is accused of killing Charles Barnes in early 2006 by beating him repeatedly with a skillet.

Court documents say McAfee hit Barnes in the head and on his body with the skillet several times, and that McAfee’s DNA was found on the handle of the blood-covered skillet that was found next to Barnes’ body.

The Old Fake Policeman Bit Just Keeps on Working

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 17:00:49 +0000

A perv is pretending to be a police officer in Carroliton, Illinois so he can pull over ladies and frisk them. It’s not a new plan, but you can’t argue with results.

Police say it happened on Highway 67 going north out of Carrollton Saturday around five in the afternoon. A woman spotted a vehicle behind her with flashing blue lights. She pulled over at the city park. A man dressed like a cop told her to get out of the car.

2010 Census: So It Seems People Do Hate Being Robbed, Mugged and Shot

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 13:00:19 +0000

Update: Yes, as pointed out in the comments and online, there are other reasons for the population drop: Schools being a big one, and the economy being another. However, crime seems the most universal and the worse, and more specific to St. Louis, so we focused on that.

Original post follows…

The 2010 Census numbers are in! Totally out! All kinds of numbers in them…big numbers…yup…lots. of. numbers. Ok, screw it. You can take it right?

Woman Shot at 10 Year-Old’s Birthday Party

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 20:00:24 +0000

A woman hosting her 10 year-old child’s birthday party Wednesday was shot after a bullet came through the front window and struck her in the arm. Mom will be fine, but clearly a scary moment since there were a few other adults and 15 kids in the house at the time, so easily any of them could be dead.

The police have no leads, but are assuming the shooter was on foot…so there’s that. They’re also pretty sure he had a gun we’re guessing…and maybe…maybe! Fired it once. Still working on that lead. It’s a process ok?! Real cops aren’t like CSI where they just magically find evidence and work to solve the case with a tightly edited montage of overly elaborate, and wildly expensive crime reenactments. TV’s just a lair. A sexy, awesome liar who tries to sell you expensive vibrating, rotating, bedazzled dildos if you stay up late enough.

Frozen Meat Found to be Ineffective on Overdose Victims

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 17:00:13 +0000

Date: May 2009

Place: Effingham

J.J. Ward died from an overdose after purchasing some heroin from one Tavis Doyle earlier in the day at an East St. Louis crack house, or as East St. Louis resident’s call them…”a house”.

After making the deal, Ward settled in for a good ole heroin snack, but soon overdosed right there in front of Doyle who quickly sprung in to action to help his fallen customer…by placing frozen meat in his pants. We don’t want to get in to the biology of it all, but placing frozen meat in the pants of a person overdosing usually doesn’t work, and sure the hell didn’t here. Ward died. However, Doyle wasn’t done yet! He then claimed to the other crackheads that Ward was fine, and just needed to “sleep it off.” The crackheads let Ward do just that, finally taking him to a hospital some 12 hours after the overdose.

Guy Stabs Parents After an Argument About His Unemployment

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 20:00:10 +0000

A Jefferson County man beat and stabbed his parents after a fight about his unemployment became violent. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you parents! If your weird-looking 30-something kid with beady little eyes starts to get heated when you ask him why he can gain 70 levels in Word of Warcraft in a week, but can’t get a job at McDonalds, just let him be. At that point, poisoning his morning Doughnut Pizza might be the safer move.

St. Louis Machete Thief Doesn’t Get Far

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 17:00:24 +0000

The plan was perfect. Right at midnight, grab the machete, run in to the 7-Eleven, get the cash and jump back in the van. The machete was a really nice touch and will allow a lot of other sites to use stills from that movie of the same name as all-too-obvious graphic, but too bad the clerk saw your get away vehicle!

[T]he clerk saw him get into a large white van, which drove away, police said. Officers spotted the vehicle a short time later, arrested two men and found a machete inside the van.

Mr. Pringle is a Little Too Friendly in the Gym, Charged with Sexual Abuse

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 13:00:17 +0000

Lincoln Pringle, a 37 year-old man from O’Fallon, Missouri was arrested on February 11th after he took some liberties with a fellow apartment gym visitor. Pringle lifted the woman’s shirt and tried to grab some boob, but the woman deflected the attempt and called the police. Not only did the cops take one look at Pringle and totally believe the woman, but they went to the Post Dispatch and put a call out begging other ladies to speak up if Pringle has tried to attack them.

Trasher Escapes Cyber Harassment Charges, Can’t Escape the Fact that She’s a Moron

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 15:00:10 +0000

Elizabeth Trasher of St. Charles County was found not guilty of the charges of cyber harassment (aka the “Megan Meier law”) leveled against her by the authorities.

It’s been awhile, so lets review what Thrasher, a grown woman, did according to court records and summarized by STLToday’s Shane Anthony:

Thrasher and her ex-husband have two daughters. A tense family situation started several months before the Craigslist posting, when the ex-husband started dating the mother of a boy the older daughter was dating.

Scott Halliday’s Perv Career is Starting Off Nicely

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 20:00:21 +0000

A 28-year old man, Scott Halliday, has been arrested in Springfield, Missouri for causing $2,000 dollars worth of damage to a tanning bed.

How did he do that?

He was standing on it of course!

Why?

So he could peep on the girl tanning on the other side of the dividing wall! …oh did we mention he’s a perv?

…

Oh and he’s also being accused of fleeing the scene when a woman busted him for the peeping.

Adrienne Martin’s Autopsy: Accidental Overdose, Coke Straws, and Someone Should Really Hire a Maid

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:00:01 +0000

Over the weekend we had a chance to go over the Adrienne Martin case files that were released on Friday and so kindly uploaded by the RFT’s Chad Garrison, who as also done his own summary. Most of this is either unsurprising or just more of the same, but there are a few details in here worth pointing out, so lets run though them.

1. Despite everyone’s claims, Adrienne Martin did drugs. Lots of them.

We mentioned this little fact when the details of this report linked, but seriously, Adrienne Martin did drugs and it killed her. Here’s the official finding: She died of Oxycodone overdose, but also had cocaine in her system. Not that this should have to be said, but just because someone says they’re “anti-drug” it doesn’t mean they really are…actually it probably means they definitely aren’t. Who the hell calls themselves “anti-drug” other than people that are boring a hole in their septum with the old columbian powder drill.

Armored Car Robber Gets Nabbed, Then Insulted by Police

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 13:00:48 +0000

An armored car was running through a standard pickup at the Shop ‘n Save off Chippewa next to the new-ish Wendy’s that finally allow us to get a freaking junior bacon cheese burger and a vanilla frosty from time to time, when a man put a gun in the back of the armored car’s “runner”. After being handed a couple of bags of money, the man ran off on foot (probably to the Wendy’s first, since it’s like the only one around).

Ladies: How Many of You Wore Skirts at West County Mall? You Might be Famous.

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 13:00:17 +0000

The guy on the right is Daniel Barbatti, and he’s really into movies. For one, he’s worked really hard on making himself look like the serial killer in a bad action movie…and also because he rigged up a hidden camera and good upskirt videos of ladies at West County Mall.

Congratulations! Some of you West County ladies are now famous! Not “Hollywood” famous, more like “I have that same pair of underwear…oh crap!” famous.

Violent Crime Gets Slightly More Cordial

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 18:00:59 +0000

Early Monday morning, a man shot a 17 year-old in the leg. Some people like coffee, but who are we to judge?

According to the victim, he and the suspect got into an argument around 1 a.m. on the 4100 block of Enright. The suspect, 28, then took out a gun and fired at the victim, striking him in the leg.

Well that wasn’t very cool.

Toxicology Report: Adrienne Martin Died of Oxycodone and Cocaine Overdose?

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 13:00:09 +0000

When we first talked about the mysterious death of celebrity, and ex-beer baron August Busch IV‘s girlfriend Adrienne Martin, the police initially focused the investigation towards a possible overdose after being found dead in a room in Busch’s mansion. Naturally, family and friends of Martin denied such claims with statements like…

“She was against drugs,” — Timothy Carlson, former boss

“Adrienne was always very anti-drug.” — Dr. Kevin Martin, ex-husband

Anyone Know How to Sign “Stop Hitting Me With Your Car!”?

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 13:00:13 +0000

A Maryland Heights man, Andrew Stcyr, 24, had an interpreter (Stcyr is deaf) call the police to file a report on a man for bashing in the windshield of his car. Sure, the man broke Stcyr’s windshield only after Stcyr hit him with his car…twice…but I mean still. Can’t be braking windshield of deaf dudes bro. Also, Stcyr totally signed “Look out bitch!” right before he ran him over. Not his fault he was looking a different direction and can’t hear sign language or even understand it if he had seen it.

St. Charles Gas Station Clerks Scare Easily

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 13:00:07 +0000

A man attempted to rob an O’Fallon, Missouri gas station holding only box cutters…and it worked somehow.

Authorities say a man walked into the Phillips 66, 2700 Technology Drive, near Interstate 64 about 10 a.m., threatened a clerk with box cutters and demanded cash.

The man ran out with less than $200 and hopped into a car believed to be a Honda Civic waiting outside, authorities said. No one was hurt.

Car Crashes in to Downtown Hooters

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 17:00:18 +0000

Details are slim as of this writing, but just after 9 pm a car crashed in to the Hoosters in downtown St. Louis starting a fire. Somehow no one was injured and the people in car have been arrested. No suprise there. Smashing something that hard in to Hooters ususal does end up getting you arrested…at the very least slapped.

That’s gotta be the first time anything “flaming” crashed a party at Hooters!

Craig Cornett Beat Up a 75-Year Old Man

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 13:00:18 +0000

Former 93.7 the Bull’s morning show host Craig Cornett‘s fans have been waiting for some time now to find out what Cornett’s next big project would be. A new job at a local music station? Maybe a straight talk format show? Something online? Nope! The first real mention of Craig Cornett since dropping of the airwaves in August of 2009 is about…Cornett beating the hell out of a 75 year old man in the parking lot of a casino!

Del Taco is Gross, Don’t Take Us There or We Will Stab You

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 13:00:56 +0000

There might have been another reason in play, but if we were in a car with you and you drove us to Del Taco, we would stab you. It’s gross. Don’t care how late it is or hungry we are, we will never say yes to the fast food version of rib-jobbing a sweaty Mexican donkey ride guy.

The victim told police that he and a 31-year-old white male were at the drive thru of Del Taco when they got into an argument. The victim said the suspect stabbed him with a knife.

Empty Bag of Weed Drives Imperial Man to Kill

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 20:00:46 +0000

Pro Tip: Always check your bag of weed before giving up the money. It may drive you to shoot a guy.

Ryan Harris (right) paid Michael Maybearry (dead) $20 for a bag of weed, got home, found the bag was empty. That made Harris angry, so angry the first thought through his mind, as told to police was: “I gotta kill this guy.” Harris sounds pretty highly strung. He really could have used that weed!

What Do You Do When the Cops Reach in Your Window For Your Drugs?

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 17:00:45 +0000

A high-speed chase started in the city, ended with a traffic accident in Webster Groves, and all started when a police officer thought he saw drugs in use in a car, reached in the window to get them and the suspect…rolled the window up on his arm!

Balls. Giant balls.

Police say it began around 3 p.m. at the intersection of Minerva and Union when an officer saw what he thought were drugs inside a vehicle. When he reached inside the car, the driver rolled up the window on the officer’s arm, then drove off dragging him down the street.

Some Guy Raped a Four-year-old and Gave it an STD

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 17:00:42 +0000

A 19-year-old man has been charged with raping and giving both gonorrhea and chlamydia to a 4-year-old. He also gave her a My Little Pony for Christmas but is anyone saying anything about that?! No! Of course not. Always focusing on the negative. You people make me sick!

No, but seriously, the rape thing is probably the bigger story here.

James M. Davis, of East St. Louis, is charged with statutory rape in the first degree. The abuse allegedly occurred between October 31st, 2009 and January 14th, 2010 in an apartment in St. Louis County.

Sunset Hills Gets Their First Tornado Looters

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 17:00:16 +0000

Ok, now it’s an official disaster. We couldn’t call it earlier, but now we have official looters so it’s finally time. Congrats South County! Someone start printing “I Survived …” shirts. It’s time.

Brothers, Elvis and Hajro Ferhatovic and their father, Omer Ferhatovic each face two counts of felony stealing.

The men were seen picking up an air conditioning unit, lawn mower, even pots and pans from tornado damaged homes. The men came back a few hours later and volunteers alerted police, who made the arrests.

Officer Dustin Ries Sure Does Like Hitting and Macing People!

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 13:00:00 +0000

We broke down the now infamous police beat-down video yesterday morning on the site but since then a little more information has leaked out that we just had to pass on.

It turns out ole Officer Dustin “Let go of my feet!” Ries has a pretty short beat you with his club and mace you fuse.

We’ve all seen his latest beating/macing in its beautiful YouTube glory, but STLToday learned that Ries has had at least two other run-ins that ended with him beating someone with his baton and macing them. The first happened in 2004:

St. Louis Police Officer Caught on Tape Beating Drunk Guy

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 13:00:47 +0000

So last weekend a St. Louis cop got caught whipping a guy’s ass. Maybe you’ve heard about it.

Here’s the video on YouTube.

Oh like you thought we weren’t going to make an animated gif out of this?!

First off, I think we were all pretty surprised that it wasn’t a black guy getting beat up here. No no no, it’s ok. When you clicked on a link that says “Police Officer Caught Beating a Guy” you totally expected to see a black guy getting his ass whooped. I bet if the camera did a 180, you’d see a black guy coming out of the gas station with a hotdog, jumbo soda and his jaw laying on the ground in front of him. The world works in mysterious was to keep itself in balance though. Just as this St. Louis cop was beating the booze out of this white guy, somewhere in Mississippi, a black guy finally got decent service at a Cracker Barrel.

Turns Out the Police Shot Jesus at Denny’s the Other Day

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 13:00:17 +0000

Remember yesterday when we told you about the guy that really really wanted to get in that Denny’s on Hampton Sunday and ended up getting shot in the leg by the police? His mugshot was released after being charged with 1st Degree Property Damage and a count of Attempted Assult on a Law Enforcement Officer.

Turns out that dude was Jesus.

This changes everything. First off that officer shot Jesus, so he’s got to deal with that. Not sure how many Hail Marys something like that is, but it’s got to be over seven. Secondly lets let Jesus out of jail and give him the Denny’s he wanted. All Jesus wanted was a Root ‘n Tootie Fresh and Fruity after a hard New Years Eve protecting the city limits from the dangerous storm that damaged all the surrounding counties who, logic would then dictate, hate Jesus. Oh, well he was going to protect the whole city limits but he bent over to pick up a nickel and North St. Louis got a little nicked. “Who would notice?” he thought.

Kevin Helfrich Held the Key to a Man’s Heart New Year’s Eve

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 21:00:49 +0000

Kevin Helfrich stabbed a guy with a key in the chest. A freaking key! Sure make the whole “You have the key to my heart.” euphemism sound a little more macabre now.

Kevin Helfrich, 48, is charged with aggravated battery after stabbing a man with a knife and key outside the Kountry Korner Tavern near Milstadt, Illinois.

The victim suffered a collapsed lung in the altercation and is listed in stable condition.

Yet Another Way to Have Denny’s Kill You: Have the Police Shoot You in the Leg

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 18:00:34 +0000

Dude just wanted to get a Moon’s Over My Hammy…really really bad. Now he’s got a hole in his leg after unsuccessfully attempting to break-in to the South Hampton Denny’s (just south of hwy 40) and approaching a cop with his hands in his pocket.

According to police, witnesses stated the suspect approached the restaurant attempting to get inside. Restaurant employees informed the suspect the restaurant was closed.

The suspect broke a window and was partially inside the restaurant when the first officer arrived. The suspect refused to comply with the officer and started walking toward the officer with his hands in his coat pockets.

Drug Deals in the Bass Pro Shop Parking Lot Always End Badly

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 13:00:16 +0000

As far as we know, there’s only been one drug deal done in the St. Charles Bass Pro Shop parking lot, and it ended with four guys killing St. Charles native and current Rams practice squad member Brandon Joyce. Seems like the safe bet is to go do your drug deals in the parking lots of White Castles like the rest of us.

In a probable cause statement, police said Joyce and a friend had planned to buy drugs from Cory Brooks and the fourth unidentified suspect. Police said the unidentified suspect shot Joyce once in the head during an attempt to steal his money.

CBS Early Show Analyzes August Busch IV, While Post Dispatch Keeps Playing that 911 Tape

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 20:37:24 +0000

CBS’s Russ Mitchell talks with the author of “Dethroning the King: The Hostile Takeover of Anheuser-Busch, An American Icon” Julie Macintosh about her thoughts on the mysterious death of Busch’s girlfriend, Adrienne Nicole Martin. (We would have embedded it here, but CBS sucks and disabled embedding…and probably touches new born puppies in bad places.)

Interesting stuff about a case that so far, has netted very little int the way of details aside from a 911 tape that was as boring as they come despite all the media outlets trying to make it interesting. Oh god! The guy said “It’s dark in here!” No way! Someone must have been trying to hide the body by…turning out the lights?! If you have nothing interesting to report, just say “Nothing yet but we’re looking.” or just don’t say anything at all.

17-year-old Charged with Opening Fire on Crowded Club

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Yeah yeah yeah, another day, another St. Louis violent crime, but buckle in because this one’s weird for even St. Louis.

It all started, as all things do these days, on Facebook, where a mix up about an underage party location lead to “a few hundred” teenagers showing up at the front of club Pulse. Pulse, a classy place in a strip mall next to a swap meet, isn’t where an underage Christmas party was planned, but the kids show up in droves anyway.

Woman Attempts to Hire Hitman to Kill Husband

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 17:00:08 +0000

A Collinsville woman has been charged by the police for attempting to hire a hitman with the intent of having the father of her child killed. Christina Keck offered a measly $600 bucks to a man to kill her baby daddy…but the guy was an undercover cop…or he just said that to seem more bad ass after he turned her in for trying to have someone kill a man for less than the price of a MacBook.

Man Made Two Kids Look at His Old Junk at Goodwill. By Junk We Mean Penis.

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 17:00:03 +0000

Two children got a little more than used coats at the Fairview Heights Goodwill store earlier this year…apparently there was a sale on trouser snakes this past October.

A registered sex offender from St. Louis was charged Tuesday with two counts of sexual exploitation of a child for allegedly exposing himself to two children inside the Fairview Heights Goodwill Store, according to the St. Clair County state’s attorney.

East St. Louis Layoff Policemen, Please Don’t Tell All the Criminals

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 20:00:44 +0000

East St. Louis you’re about to get that much worse.

Layoff notices have already gone out in East St. Louis, and 16 police officers could be gone as of January first.

The mayor says these layoffs are needed in order to get the city budget under control.

Budget issues are totally important, but maybe…maybe the police aren’t where we’d make the cuts seeing as though you’ve got people stealing church vans and smashing them in to ATMs the same day this all was announced.

East St. Louis Thugs Running Out of Stuff to Steal

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 13:00:13 +0000

Manhole covers are the lastest thing to go missing in East St. Louis following previously missing items like dignity, justice and the laughter of children.

More than 30 manhole covers have gone missing in East St. Louis in the past few months.

Their value at metal scrap yards have made them a hot commodity. But the holes they’re leaving behind are creating several issues.

The city is trying to combat the problem by installing locking covers and installing security cameras, but those solutions are too late for the several problems the open sewer hole are causing as earlier this week, an 11-year old boy fell down an open sewer when the hole was covered in snow.

St. Louis’ Grinch Enjoys the Crack Cocaine

Thu, 16 Dec 2010 13:00:36 +0000

As we all know it’s a rough time out there for everyone, but the economy is hitting the crack heads the hardest. Find out what one Belleville woman sold to get herself a little taste right after the weather!

It’s cold, rainy and totally sucks.

Cool, one Belleville woman is behind bars tonight after selling her children’s Christmas gifts to purchase crack.

Sheriff’s Capt. Steven Johnson said Bauers, the mother of two young sons, stole about $1,000 worth of toys and gifts that the children’s grandmother bought last week. [Sandra J. Bauers] then sold the gifts to buy crack, he said.

Another Guy Gets Shot in the Face

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 20:00:43 +0000

Wow, a guy got shot in the face! Crazy, you don’t hear about that happening to often…unless you live in St. Louis and then it happens every few months.

Authorities say that the male victim was inside of a home when someone knocked on the door. When the victim opened the door, he was reportedly shot in the face by the suspect.

Come on! The face?! Really. Why? Why right in the face? Who is this guy? Elmer Fudd? That dick seemed to always aim for the face too. Seems pretty clear looking back on it now that Fudd’s sick ass wasn’t really after the duck or rabbit meat, he just liked to kill.

Wentzville Police Debut New Drug Drop-off Box

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 17:00:08 +0000

Have some extra drugs you don’t need? Swing them by the Wentzville Police Department if you don’t want them. They have a drop box for that now. Time until 4 highschool kids beat the hell out of this thing with a bat to get at the expired woman’s fertility drugs inside? 6 hours.

Removing expired or unused drugs from home medicine cabinets will help in combating prescription drug abuse, especially by adolescents, according to a release from the city. The drugs collected at the drop box will be properly disposed of by incineration. EPA studies have shown that the common practice of flushing expired or unused drugs down the toilet is contaminating water supplies.

Nativity Scene Stolen from Hope Lutheran School

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 17:00:42 +0000

The South City Hope Lutheran School‘s nativity scene was stolen recently in the beginning of a crime wave that can only escalate to other honorable crimes such as throwing puppies against brick walls, kicking old lady’s in the neck and talking the whole time through the Yogi Bear movie.

The theft happened over the weekend. Nearly 30 figures were painted and added to the display. Kindergartners dedicated parts of this to honor someone special. All that’s left are the figures surrounding what used to be a nativity scene.

St. Louis Thugs Doing All They Can to Match 2009’s Death Toll

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 17:00:33 +0000

Last year was a down year for St. Louis’ many murders. After a banner 2008 in which we managed to kill 167 of us, 2009 brought only 143, a full 24 fewer murders, an obvious embarrassment for a city that is considered the nation’s most dangerous. Worst still, 2010 was on pace for even less murders! What happened? Did UMSL starting giving out bullet proof vests to incoming freshmen or are St. Louisan’s finally evolving a natural resistance to bullets, making us in to the super soliders finally achieving the long-standing FBI plan that started when they sprayed the city limits with some sort of angry toxin which goes by the codename of “Bud Ice”?

Guy Shoots Himself While Trying to Stop Car Thieves

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 13:00:37 +0000

‘Twas a cold St. Louis night, when all through this dude’s house not a creature was stirring, not even the homeless guy living in his garage. When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, dude sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. What’s this? Two guys stealing my brother’s car? He tore open the shutters and grabbed his gun! …and promptly walked on his porch, tripped and shot himself in the leg. The two car thieves grabbed some stuff and took off.

You Can’t Bring Your Gun and Ammo in to Walmart

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:00:17 +0000

29 year old Tyrel Lee Campbell, obviously fromt the from the Ozarks being as he has 3 in-use names and one of them is “Tyrel”, was arrested and charged with “unlawful use of a weapon and drug possession” stemming from a little incident at a local Walmart over “Black Friday”. Apparently Tyrel took the term “Door Busters” a little farther than he should have.

He’s accused of walking into a Branson Walmart the day after Thanksgiving. In addition to the loaded .22-caliber gun and 560 bullets, prosecutors also say he had a bag of suspected meth.

Alleged Comic Book Guy Rapist Found Dead

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 13:00:48 +0000

So remember the guy from a month ago that managed a multi-hour stand-off with the police as he hid in his comic book store until he finally surrendered…

It took St. Louis police 3 and a half hours to peaceably coax suspected rapist and comic book shop owner, Kenneth McClure, to put down his weapon and come out of his south Hampton store, Legends Comics & Sports Cards.

Missouri Man Gets Arrested for Weed Twice in One Day

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 17:00:03 +0000

A man in Cauthersville, MO, which is located just six miles from Whogivesacrap, is facing charges for marijuana possession after being arrested, for the same crime, twice in one day.

The Sikeston Standard Democrat reports that the man was first arrested five minutes after midnight Sunday at the Caruthersville Community Center. Police say they found several baggies of marijuana and several hundred dollars.

…and then, the next night, but technically still the same day…

St. Louis Optimizing Murders, Killing Each Other Right at Funeral Homes

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 13:00:43 +0000

Oh St. Louis. You are a crafty folk aren’t you. See us St. Louis types just can’t stop killing each other and, frankly, it’s high time we start being more efficient at it. Like say, killing people and reusing your bullets, aiming for the face for that one-shot kill, or just killing people right there at the funeral home.

Two mourners were killed and at least one other wounded today when gunfire erupted outside a funeral home.

Betty White Stole Some Jewelry in O’Fallon, Missouri

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 20:00:37 +0000

Damn you Betty White! First you remind everyone you aren’t dead and suddenly become the nation’s “Random Old Person” joke appearing on every stupid show that can afford your rider of Metamucil, Blackjack chewing gum and a bowl of only red heart pills. Now, your showing up at Randy’s Jewelry in O’Fallon and stealing? Stop it Betty White! Your random appearances are no longer humorous or funny. We’ll have someone wheel you back in to obscurity with the rest of the old people in a moment.

Someone Else Gets Shot in the Ass: Betcha Can’t Steal Just One Bag of Potato Chips!

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:00:59 +0000

Three kids enter a gas station to steal some chips. Maybe Ruffles. We aren’t sure, but Ruffles are the best, only morons steal Doritos.

The teenage boy entered Myrt’s Northland Market at 2814 North Kingshighway with two other teens, Lt. Ken Lammert said. The owner, Myrtle Dunn, watched the teens take some potato chips and try to leave the store without paying.

Dunn demanded they return them, and two of the teens did so, Lammert said. But the third pulled a gun on Dunn.

Chicago Woman Cries Sexual Assault from Lambert Airport Screening

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 17:00:35 +0000

Penny Moroney was going through security to get on her flight back home to Chicago when the her artificial knee set off the metal detector. The TSA staff on duty gave her two choices: Stay in St. Louis (and probably get shot or robbed) or take part in the new “invasive” pat down.

Her gloved hands touched my breasts…went between them.

Woah.

Then she went into the top of my slacks,

St. Louis Regains Title of Most Dangerous City!

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:00:01 +0000

We we did it everyone! We managed to steal, stab and shoot our way back to the top of the Most Dangerous City rankings. How’s about that “Midwest Hospitality” now, huh?!

The study by CQ Press found St. Louis had 2,070.1 violent crimes per 100,000 residents, compared with a national average of 429.4. That helped St. Louis beat out Camden, which topped last year’s list and was the most dangerous city for 2003 and 2004.

Dan McLaughlin Pleads Guilty to DUI Charge

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 13:00:42 +0000

The man behind the best St. Louis-related mugshot since Ozzy Osbourne was arrested rocking a Blues jersey, Cardinal’s TV broadcaster Dan McLaughlin, has plead guilty to the DUI charge he earned back in August.

McLaughlin, 36, has completed community service and will serve two years’ probation in the case, said his lawyer Jim Towey. As part of the plea deal, the state will not revoke McLaughlin’s license. Shortly after his arrest, the court issued a stay order, which means McLaughlin was allowed to drive while the case was pending.

St. Louis City is About to Get $10 Million Dollars More Crappy

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 17:00:17 +0000

With the city looking at a roughly $10 Million dollar deficit this year, it’s plans are to ask all departments to cough up some money. Sure maybe spend a little less on the constant road work, but not the police right? This city is already a freaking joke with violent crimes and theft, they wouldn’t be dumb enough to try and take money away from the thing that can fix the #1 issue with this city…would they? (emphasis added)

Don’t Put Down Your Gun When Robbing People

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 13:00:15 +0000

When you rob someone, don’t just pull the gun out, surprise them and then think it’s over. It’s not! Robbery not finished yet! You still have work to do! Just don’t put down the gun!

The suspected robber, whose name has not been released, came to the home on Compton to use the phone, police said. He came there with a 20-year-old man he’d just met on Wednesday night. Inside the home on Compton was a 19-year-old man.

Past Missouri Lotto Winner Tried to Sell Infant Grandson

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 13:00:57 +0000

Everyone says that money won’t change them, but few can hold that claim after actually having won a Million dollars…everyone except Patty Bigbee, who was a crazy old lady when she wasn’t rich, won a Million dollars in the Missouri Lottory two years ago, and then recently was busted for trying to sell her infant grandson. The lesson? Always be true to yourself.

Patty Bigbee, 45, and her boyfriend Lawrence Works, 42, were arrested last Friday in Daytona Beach and charged with illegal sale or surrender of a child, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said. Bigbee was also charged with communication fraud.

UMSL Locks Down Campus Because of a Professor That Still Likes His Job

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 17:00:11 +0000

The campus of University of Missouri St. Louis today was locked down after a student reported they had seen a “man with a gun” to the police. The following text-alert was sent out to all faculty, staff and students:

Man with a gun seen in Lucas Hall. Police have been unable to confirm this. Older W/M, glasses, 5’8″. Avoid Lucas Hall. Secure in place. Don’t come to Campus. If this person is seen call the campus police at 516-5155.

East Alton Police Find Human Remains in East Alton

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 12:00:30 +0000

Police are investigating the area in East Alton where human remains were found Thursday morning. The crime scene is located at Broadway and Route 3 near QuikTrip. You know those QuikTrip churos look like they might be safe rolling around in that heating rolling thing, but those things…those things should just really be left alone.

More than 30 investigators and Cadaver dogs searched the scene where the parts were discovered.

Kid in Jail for Pretending to be Cop, Now Just Pretending His Butt Doesn’t Hurt

Thu, 04 Nov 2010 16:00:41 +0000

Some silly kid in Highland, Illinois apparently never learned the only acceptable way to pretend to be a police officer: Be a hot girl on Halloween or a stripper any other time of the year. Pulling people over in your Ford Explorer isn’t on that list.

Authorities said received to separate complaints on Oct. 14 related to someone possibly impersonating a police officer.

In both incidents a white male in a Maroon Ford Explorer that was equipped with a dash mounted strobe light pulled someone over in the 14,000 block of Trestle road in Highland, Illinois. In both incidents the suspect identified himself verbally as a “cop” and warned one driver to slow down, while warning a second driver for erratic driving.

Comic Book Guy Standoff: Please Do Not Arrest Me on the Display Case, It Contains a Valuable Mary Worth

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 19:00:26 +0000

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

It took St. Louis police 3 and a half hours to peaceably coax suspected rapist and comic book shop owner, Kenneth McClure, to put down his weapon and come out of his south Hampton store, Legends Comics & Sports Cards.

Police said McClure was armed when the officers arrived and refused to leave the building. They said he was the only person involved.

What Ever the Hell This Thing is Slashed a Bunch of Tires

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 19:00:43 +0000

It’s Halloween weekend, so we’ll be cool about it scaring the crap out of that chubby little girl, but slashing tires? I thought things that looked like this stayed under bridges most of the time!

Belleville Police report that Susan L. Stone, 48, of Lenzburg, Ill., also known as David Stone, has been charged with two counts of criminal damage to property related to several tire slashings there.

Three Inmates, One With Sidespike, Escaped From Prison

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 16:00:17 +0000

Three inmates have escaped from the Daviess/DeKalp County jail in Pattonsburg, Missouri by crawling under a fence. They escaped in to the small town with no shoes but wearing their standard-issue prison orange jumpsuit. Obviously, this has the prison and the town on full alert.

Three inmates, including a convicted murderer, escaped from a northwest Missouri jail by crawling under a fence, leading authorities to lock down the surrounding community’s school and to go door-to-door warning residents.

Mug Shot: Derp! Me Likey the Kiddies!

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 19:00:44 +0000

Scott Simmons, a 46 year old man from Alton, Illinois has been arrested after “hundreds of files” of kiddie p0rn were found on his computer. KMOV didn’t say how the child pornography was found, but after looking at his mugshot he probably either took it in to a Best Buy to get it fixed and forgot to change his little boy in the Donald Duck outfit wallpaper or simply ran around Alton yelling “Me likey the kiddies!”

Squirrely-Looking Convict Running Free in St. Charles Amid Other Squirrly-Looking St. Charles County Residents

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 19:00:52 +0000

Update: After making all the way to his native Warrenton, MO, his parents urged him to turn in himself, which is what he did Friday.

Original post follows…

Smirky McPimplehead over here somehow managed to escape the dead fish handshake like grip of the St. Louis County police Wednesday night when he jumped out of the transport van in downtown St. Charles.

Jonathan Banta, 21, of the 5000 block of West Clay Street in St. Charles, jumped out of the van while it was stopped at Fifth Street and Boone’s Lick Road in St. Charles about 11:30 p.m.

Ugliest Woman Ever Wanted for St. Charles Robbery

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 14:00:29 +0000

Umm…is your bank robber bald? No, ok, see ya Bill. Are they a woman? Sweet, ok. Not Jim or Harry then. Maybe we’re looking for Anne…wait! Is your person horrible disfigured with a giant inhuman nose, creepy cheek bones, off-center eyes and lips like two pontoons? Yes? We know who you are now! This freak:

Apparently Frankenstein up here took part in the robbery of a St. Charles payday loan joint and the police thing this retarded sketch is going to help them crack the case. If she really did actually look like this you would have caught her already because that up there is pretty hard to miss.

Military Recruiter Stabbed in Fairview Heights

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 16:00:02 +0000

Police are hunting down a guy that walked in to one of those strip mall Military Recruiter places in Fairview Heights and stabbed the sergeant when he turned his back for a moment.

The recruiter had exited a back room, saw the man in the reception area and asked him if he was interested in joining the military. The recruiter then turned around in his office chair to get some paperwork, police said. The man then stabbed the recruiter.

St. Clair County Police to Unleash “The Exterminator”

Tue, 19 Oct 2010 19:00:00 +0000

The police are officially out of ideas. This site welcomes our new criminal overlords.

Tuesday, the department will unveil a new vehicle it’s calling ‘The Exterminator.’

It’s a refurbished armored truck that’s equipped with video cameras, digital recorders and live video streaming computers.

Yes, it totally sounds like the St. Clair Police Department are getting in to the “Bang Bus” porno game, but sadly that’s not the plan…

Maybe the Public Hot Tubbing with a 10-Year Old Was Too Much?

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 19:00:37 +0000

We remember going to the St. Peters Rec-Plex back in the day. They played on song seemingly over and over again all day: “The House of Stone and Light” by Martin Page. You know the song…the one with the thing and the guy singing. Yeah, you got it. Anyway, great place for a kid though despite the constant repetition of one-hit-wonder mid-90’s Stonehenge anthems. The ice skating, the big water slide, basketball courts, having 29 year olds with Amish beards getting to second base with 10 year olds in the hot tub….wwwwhhhhhhhhaaaaaaatttt?! Was that a repressed memory or a thing that recently happened?! Tell me blockquote! Tell me!

Why So Serious? Police Catch World’s Greatest Criminal Mind in East St. Louis

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 16:00:46 +0000

After 2 shootings, an armed robbery, and a car chase than ended in him rolling his car in to the woods, the fiendish plot of the greatest criminal mind since Lex Luther came to an end. If you were thinking about taking over the world by getting buck naked and shooting and ramdon people, think again! Stick to the basics: Death rays or creating your own Justin Bieber to infect the minds of the young with lesbian hair and horrible music.

Man Drives in to House After Being Shot

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 19:00:18 +0000

Another day in St. Louis…

A man runs his car in to a parked car, through a fence and in to the side of a family’s home Tuesday night. It’s not really his fault though, the driver had been shot a few times right before all of that:

A car that smashed into a north St. Louis home late Tuesday was being driven by a man who suffering from gunshot wounds, police say.

Taste the Rainbow and Then Stab a Guy

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 12:00:46 +0000

A convenience store in Imperial, MO in Jefferson County had an interesting story to tell Sunday night after one of their customers tried to steal a pack of Starbursts. The suspect isn’t very good at this whole stealing thing since the store clerk noticed the theft attempt and confronted the perp. During the confrontation, another dude pulled out a knife and threatened to kill the clerk…

Dumbass Electrocuted While Trying to Steal Copper Wire

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 16:00:52 +0000

Despite our previous thoughts on the matter, it turns out that one doesn’t have to know what role something fills in order to steal it. Take for instance a Washington Park man that was electrocuted and subsequently killed Saturday morning when he tried to steal copper wire from an Ameren Illinois substation.

When their service people arrived at the site of the outtage they found the dead man, whom police have not yet identified. Busch said 530 residences in Washington Park, Fairmont City, Venice and East St. Louis were without power until shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday. The substation was a crime scene so Ameren’s repair crew had to wait for the police to finish investigating before they could restore power.

Joseph Emil Klug Has a Horrible Name and Lots of Kiddie Porn

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 15:00:12 +0000

Joseph Emil Klug has two things that will follow him to the grave:

Joseph Emil Klug has to be one of the worst names of all time. Can you imagine having that societal lead weight at the top of every grade school test and the bottom of every check you sign? “Beverly, I love you. Will you be Mrs. Joey Emil Klug?” “Eww. Pass.” It’s hard to mess up a solid, no nonsense name like Joseph, but they freaking did it.

Where were we? Ah yes, the other reason why no one likes this guy…

Oh THAT Woman Wearing a Turban. Yeah, I Know Her.

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 12:00:28 +0000

The perpetrator of last week’s armed robbery of a “cash store” (translation: ghetto bank) is still on the loose. In an effort to bring the criminal to justice, the Highland Police have released surveillance photos of her getaway car and a sketch of the subject.

This is where we would be like “Bam!” and show it to you, but we freaking know you peeked! You already know the sketch is horrible. Frankly you take all the fun out of this.

Hammer Time at Buckingham Place With Patrick Sweeney

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 16:00:50 +0000

We like to take digs at St. Charles county on here from time to time but one thing we have really grown to love about St. Chuck are the street names out there. Every name is so wistful with a hint of lame. Looking at a map is like flipping through a paint color sample booklet: Willow Road, Morningside Drive, Lindy’s Landing, Motherhead Road…there are so many new roads popping up out there it’s clear people stopped giving a shit about how dumb the name is a long time ago, if anyone can think of anything not taken in a 15 mile radius they print up a street sign.

I Call That My “Putter”: Molester Apartment Putt Putt Course Adjacent

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 12:00:40 +0000

A St. Charles mother was searching through the state’s sex registered sex offender list, something we are apt to do as well from time to time, and found that one lived in a near by apartment complex…and then she found one more…in that same apartment complex…and another and a bunch more after that actually. All told, 17 convicted sex offenders live in that same complex in St. Charles.

Bobby Smith is Too Good to Look Forward in His Molester Mug Shot

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 19:00:36 +0000

This gentleman to the right with a five-o-clock shadow at 11am thought it would be a good idea to pose as a student to send nasty little text messages to underage girls. Can’t imagine how the wheels came of this seemingly perfect plan…

Bobby Smith, 32, of Pontoon Beach, IL, was charged with 2 counts of solicitation to meet a child.

Smith was indicating that he was a student named “Stevie Smith,” at the Granite City High School. Smith was soliciting sexual acts from the females in the text messages.

Cop Arrested, Then Fired After Molestation Charges

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:00:58 +0000

KMOV has been reporting on the story of Dan Peterson, a Berkeley police officer being accused of molesting a 15-year old girl. It’s not looking good for Peterson either since his own department found enough evidence to prompt an arrest and nearly immediate firing.

Thursday [Dan Peterson] was released from jail until prosecutors review the case. Peterson’s former chief tells News 4’s Maggie Crane why he fired him.

Mayor Slay Says Police Are Liars When Reporting Crime Data

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 19:00:42 +0000

If you felt a little extra safe in your cozy bed last night its a freaking miracle because this town has so much crime you can’t be in a balloon race without getting your car jacked, and now the Mayor is calling out the Police publicly because he believes the crime is even higher than the cops say it is. Someone in Detroit that just got stabbed fell down and is bleeding on a copy of USA Today, started reading about this bullshit and is laughing at all of this right now.

Shooting Your Gun At City Hall Isn’t a Good Idea

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 12:00:57 +0000

Are we an angrier populous these days or are guns just that much easier to come across?

Sunday morning, in the parking garage of none other than the freaking City Hall of St. Charles, Melissa Pontius (right) got in a little argument with a few other people that were for some reason hanging out at the St. Charles City Hall at 1:30am on a Saturday night. Well, as the story goes, Melissa had just about enough, so did she go off and make fun of her opponents on her blog like all other right-thinking Americans? Nope! She grabbed her gun and fired a shot off in their general direction. Gangsta!

Some Hot Mess Robs Southern Commercial Bank

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 16:00:36 +0000

Holy crap! Not only do we have photo proof that Tyra Banks was recently in the St. Louis area, but she may have robbed a bank!

Tyra?! Girl you crazy!

The robbery happened at 2:20 p.m. Wednesday at 3207 Meramec Street. The man walked into the bank and demanded money before fleeing, according to FBI Special Agent Billy Cox.

The man was described as a black male wearing a purple curly wig, a woman’s blouse with blue vertical stripes, gray pants and white shoes.

James Clinton is Scared, Shirtless, Drunk and Has the Right to Remain Sexy!

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 19:00:16 +0000

In one of the finest mugshots to come out of the St. Louis area in some time (No, its not better than Dan McLaughlin’s.) we have James Clinton, arrested for DUI and driving with a suspended license.

There’s no doubt from the look on Jimmy’s face that the Police have finally rolled out their “Make All Arrests Watch KSDK’s Local News Broadcast with Leisa Zigman” program. Seems to be unnecessarily cruel though.

The American Ninja Lives in St. Charles. Please Don’t Touch His Wood.

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 16:00:16 +0000

Wanna take scrap wood out of dumpsters in St. Charles? You’re call, but if you do, be prepared to tangle with the ninja of Sun Lake Drive: 41 year old Scott Schwartz.

St. Charles Police Lt. Mike Akers said two men were searching for scrap wood inside a dumpster in the Sun Valley Lake apartment complex about 9 p.m. Thursday. Akers said the men told police they had been given permission to search the dumpster.

Missouri Sex Slave Previously Featured in Hustler’s Taboo Magazine

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 12:00:37 +0000

The horrible story of a Missouri man holding captive and tourcuring a young mentally disabled girl for years, a story we covered last Friday, took a weird turn recently when it was discovered that the July 2007 issue of Hustler Magazine’s Taboo magazine featured a cover story on the man now in deep shit with the FBI and his “slave”.

That’s right a freaking cover story! Here’s the cover (right, moved through the jump) with the victim on the bottom, (naturally) and blurred.

To review…

It started with Ed Bagley, Sr. (no not the actor) who forced the woman in to being a sex slave while advertising online for tortuous sex sessions. Sessions that were purchased by the other three men: Michael Stokes, a national representative for Disabled American Veterans, Dennis Henry, the Postmaster General of Nevada, Missouri, and James Noel, who’s job is apparently too lame for any report to mention.

Bagley has been charged with no less than 10 counts of various horrible things which could net him life in prison. None of this was on the radar in July of 2007 when he was the talk of Taboo magazine where he had a multi-day photo shoot after a Taboo photographer reached out to Bagley via an online forum.

What did the photog think after interacting with the “couple” during their stay in Hollywood?

“They actually seemed to be quite a lovely couple … if anything he was going out of his way to make sure she was as happy as possible. I was very shocked to see the government had any issue with them at all,” Marcus told TheWrap.

Although he said he met the couple only briefly and “may have very well been mistaken,” Marcus told TheWrap that he saw no sign the woman was forced, coerced or mentally disabled.

“I mean sure, he had a gun pressed to her back and told her he was going to kill her if she cried for help, but that’s pretty standard stuff at these photo shoots. They seemed very much in love as Ed un-sewed her vagina and clamped one of those bear trap maskes over her head before we went to lunch. I remember Ed had a ham sandwich and she had a glass of his urine.” …is what he would have said next but possibly didn’t because we made that last part up. Sounds true though right? I mean with this story how the hell can you tell. Oooh! Lets also say they had make your own sundaes after lunch. Those are always a way to pick up your spirits during a tough day of beating the hell out of your coerced slave in front of everyone and taking photos of yourself winding rope (right)…freaking rope! …for your fetish cover story. This is when your attorney just closes his notebook, looks at you and say “Screw this. You’re on your own.”

Hustler is cooperating with the FBI and no charges are expected to be filed against the magazine publisher.

via The Wrap

4 Men Charged With Multi-Year Sexual Assault

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Four Missouri men have been arrested and charged for helping to run a “commercial sex trafficking” ring. Dear Penthouse Forum!

The most disturbing of their charges involves all four men sexually abusing and torturing a young retarded woman for several years…years! They reportedly also forced the woman to work as a stripper. Still no word as to how they forced guys to look at her.

“The allegations contained in this indictment are among the most horrific ever prosecuted in this district,” said Beth Phillips United States Attorney for the Western District of Missouri. “The sexual torture suffered over a period of years by the victim is highly disturbing.

Mugshot Quiz: Guess What Your Fellow St. Louisans Did!

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:00:43 +0000

We will show you three mugshots from KMOV and its your job to guess what each of them did to get there. We’ll even give you multiple choice!

#1 Michael Church

Yes, he looks like Jesus’ stunt double, but he’s not standing here so his parents can see how much he grew. He’s really here because:

A. Trying to perv out with two young girls.

B. Went crazy after a few bad shrooms at a Phish coverband’s show.

C. Just wanted the life experience of going to jail.

#2 Daniel Jones

Crap. We already used the “Jesus’ stunt double” bit. Um…I don’t know. He scares us.

What did he do?

A. Tried to steal Rob Zombie’s identity.

B. This is actually what happened to Jason LaRue after getting kicked in the head.

C. Weed. Lots and lots of weed.

#3 John Winship

Old guy hair with an old guy mustache, what could old Biff have done to get him here?

A. Beating his wife. Probably because she didn’t tape “The Wheel” or something.

B. Shooting his gun randomly as if he’s never seen those “What goes up…” ads during the Holidays!

C. Man boobs. Well, they should be illegal!

You want answers? Click through the jump for all the sexy back story.

Police Chase in Loop Ends Badly

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:25:50 +0000

Reports are there was a police chase that ended on the west side of the Delmar Loop with a street-closing accident. One person in a stretcher, one car smashed (possible the chased) and one Police cruiser lodged under a bus.

Go have lunch as Cicero’s and watch them clean it all up!

Hey Man What Happened To Your Mobile Meth Lab?!

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:00:36 +0000

The thing about mobile meth labs is that, like all meth labs, they can catch on fire, only your seat belted to this one.

A van laden with a meth factory ignited and was quickly engulfed in flames while traveling down a Jefferson County road. Jefferson County?! I know we were shocked too. Not really. These “mobile meth labs” are the like the ice cream man down there.

Woman Who Whored Out 13-year-old Pleads Guilty

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:00:50 +0000

Twenty-seven year old, Latasha Jewell McFarland of St. Louis County, plead guilty to prostitution charges including convincing a 13-year-old runaway to go be her whore. Latasha seems like a great little lady but if she’s this good at convincing people to whore it out, she should use her powers for good, and call Heidi Klum.

[McFarland] told the girl last summer that she could earn $100 for each sex act that she engaged in, Assistant U.S. Attorney Noelle Collins said in court. McFarland posted pictures of the teen online, bought condoms, arranged the meetings and drove the teen to hotels along Interstate 270, Collins said, taking half of the girl’s money for her trouble.

Never Let Your Kid Do High School Band If the Director is Rocking a Chinstrap

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:00:51 +0000

A former band Director for the Alton school district has been sentenced to six years in the joint for having, what KMOV is calling an “affair” with a 16-year-old student.

According to the Madison County State Attorney’s officer, 36-year-old Matthew Lang has to serve 85% of his sentence. He must also register as a sex offender.

Police say Lang had sex with the student more than once during school hours. Some of the encounters occurred at the school and others happened at locations away from the school.

Mizzou Running Back Derrick Washington Charged with Sexual Assault

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:00:51 +0000

It had to be something this heavy for Derrick Washington, the stand-out running back, to be mysteriously suspended by Mizzou head coach Gary Pinkel last week. Division I college football coaches generally don’t just “indefinitely suspend” one of their best players for the something like library fines, and sure enough, the rap on Washington is a way worse than library fines…unless you broke in to the library after dark and put your penis in the books without asking, then it would be about the same.

Metrolink Security Guard Invents Boomerang Bullet…or is Simply Incompetent

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 12:00:29 +0000

A Metrolink security guard was the only injury after being grazed by a bullet early Tuesday at the Shrewsbury Metrolink station.

The bullet came from his own gun.

This guy either spent lonely night after lonely night noodling the fringes of physics or is so dumb he eats his own poop.

When we contacted the National Dumbass Security Guard Union, they only replied with “This is why we usually only give them flashlights. Why would you give an untrained, minimum wage worker a gun? What horrible place would need to arm people like that?”

Alton Man Crashes Car in to Ex-Wife’s House, Probably Yelled “Take That Bitch!” While Doing It

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:00:26 +0000

William Fry of Alton has been charged with Criminal Damage to Property Over $300 and violating a restraining order. Also, if anyone has a comb…no? That’s alright. Thanks for looking.

Authorities say Fry’s ex-wife reported to police that extensive damage was done to her home. She was away from her home when the damage was done.

Authorities said the damage appeared to have been done by a vehicle being driven into the home. Evidence from Fry’s vehicle gave police the probable cause to take him into custody.

St. Louis Takes Top Prize in Crime…Again.

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:00:44 +0000

If you didn’t like the last 34 stories about how St. Louis ranks high in crime rate, well guess what?! Still true. Maybe you should move.

Don’t move to Camden, NJ though. They are the only place worse than us. Which means the worst has happened…freaking Detroit did better than us in this list. Super. Weak.

The newly release book “City Crime Rankings 2009-2010” not only has a great catchy little title, but also lots and lots of PDFs with numbers and letters on them, all saying St. Louis is the 2nd-worst crime city behind the Goodfella’s home base in Camden, NJ.

Dan McLaughlin Gets Busted For Drinky Drinky Drivey Drivey

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:00:06 +0000

Update: Now with 100% more awesome mugshot action!

Yeah, he looked really sober. Probably not guilty. He looks like Jack Nicholson’s drunk chubby little brother. You see the key to looking sober is to cross your eyes and give the camera a creepy sly smile. This may be the greatest St. Louis mugshot since Ozzy Osbourne.

Original post below…

Dan McLaughlin, Cardinals TV broadcaster on Fox Sports Midwest, was pulled over and arrested on suspicion of drunk driving Monday night after refusing to submit to a breathalyzer test.

You Know that Giant Missouri Sex Offender List? That’s Not All of Them

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:00:18 +0000

After an audit of Missouri’s sex offenders database, it was found that 7 percent of convicted pervs hadn’t registered despite the legal mandate.

Montee released her audit of the sex offender registration program Wednesday. Generally, it found improvement from a review eight years ago. But the audit said Missouri — like most states — has not yet complied with federal sex offender requirements. Missouri’s deadline is July 2011.

7 percent is probably a lot more people than you would think, guess and hope. Statistically, at least a few of you reading this should probably get on the stick! …wait. No. We meant register. We didn’t mean anything else you thought that meant.

Woman Wakes Up to Homeless Guy in House

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 19:00:18 +0000

Who wouldn’t want to wake up to that face in the morning? Apparently this snooty broad from Belleville who got all uptight when she woke up to see a homeless guy (above) standing in her room.

According to police, the man was found inside the home in the 100 block of East Monroe last Thursday. The Victim woke up, screamed and the suspect left her room. Officers came and arrested the man without any incident.

Man Gets Eight Years for Penis Murder

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 16:00:48 +0000

After pleading guilty yesterday in a St. Charles court to knowingly exposing someone to HIV, Charles W. Benjamin, has been sentenced to eight years in prison. Benjamin is currently serving another 8 year sentence for the exact same crime in Lincoln County.

Police said Benjamin had unprotected sex with a woman in St. Charles County numerous times between December 2007 and June of 2008 without telling her he was HIV positive. He has known he was HIV positive since March of 1998, police said.

Prosecutors in St. Charles County said the woman has not tested positive for HIV.

There are two questions we have with this story…

The maximum sentence for this type of crime is 15 years. Weird as it is that this kind of thing happens enough to warnet an official max sentence, its weirder still that this guy somehow didn’t get the maximum 15 years? Is there a worse way to kill a woman with your wang? Do you have to be convicted a few more times to get the max?! Twice isn’t enough? Does he need to tape syringes to his penis next time if he wants to hit the sentencing tilt?
How did we manage to go through high-school strking out with the ladies but Beardo McAids over here is apparently the casanova of more than a few zipcodes? What game could this guy be spitting to continually get ladies in the sack to give them the Aids? Seriously. We’re interested in knowing his game plan. Sure we have no problem getting ladies when its warm enough to take our shirt off and bench press a few homeless guys, but winter is right around the corner and we would value the assistance of a CyrAIDSno de Bergerac.

Eh. Nevermind. We don’t have enough time to practice that “You’ve Got Aids” barbershop song.

(Confused? Click through the jump to see the video.)

via STLToday

If You Lost a Human Torso, the Coast Guard Found It

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 19:30:05 +0000

The Coast Guard, which traffics rivers too apparently found a human torso floating in the Mississippi River Sunday just blocks from the Anheuser-Busch Brewery.

It is unknown if the torso is that of a man or a woman, or how long it may have been in the water. The body will be sent to the medical examiner for further investigation.

Um…the torso wasn’t enough to tell if it was a woman? Bummer. Might have been suicide then.

Markquis Bryant Has $11,400 in Parking Ticket Fines

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 19:00:34 +0000

In KMOV’s “Is This Why We’re Broke” segment, they dealt with people flaking on parking tickets. The story is largely boring and pays no mind to the fact that every other city in the world probably has the same, if not worse, problems collecting fines like these, but there is one interesting part.

The #1 parking offender is Markquis Bryant and he owes some $11,400 in parking ticket fines!

According to the the treasurer’s office, the top offender is a man named Markquis Bryant. Bryant’s plate (9AK19F) has racked up 117 open tickets for a total of $11,400 in fines. When asked about Bryant the assistant treasurer said, ” this guy is awful lucky he hasn’t been caught yet.”

Elsewhere: Guy Plans to Eat His Disobedient Cat

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 19:00:39 +0000

[Editor’s Note: This news item took place in Buffalo, but its too weird and too namesake-related to pass up.]

It’s always the “routine traffic stop” that manages to catch the sickos and one of those little moving violation miracles happened again in Buffalo, NY recently when the meows of a cat from a guy’s truck alerted the authorities to the fact that this guy was planning on eating his cat.

Facebook: Foiling Morons’ School Shooting Plans Since 2010

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:00:35 +0000

Remember that movie Minority Report where the police have psychics that can see the future and stop people from doing stuff before they do it? The future is now. Thank you Facebook.

10:18am “Thinking about stabbing this guy in front of me with my fork.”

1:32pm “Cleaning out my fridge! Can’t fit a cut up full-size woman in here will all this left over Chinese food! LOL”

Mugshots: Our Very Own Snookie!

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 19:00:18 +0000

We know St. Louis doesn’t come up with all the new fads ourselves, but we still get some joy when we somehow manage to create our own little version of that fad.

We have our own Snookie from Jersey Shore!

Check out this mug shot!

She’s got the look…check! Weird name? Well she’s less than 100 years old and her name is Agnes…check!

But does she “party”? You bet! KMOV’s description reads:

Dude Buying CDs Gets Shot in the Face

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 16:00:58 +0000

…and the record industry is trying to make it seem like downloading songs isn’t safe. Pfffffft. Try telling it to the guy that just got shot in the face trying to buy some CDs on Natural Bridge over the weekend.

A man told police he was trying to buy CDs when he was shot in the face by the seller Saturday night.

Police said the 28-year-old man was shot in the 4200 block of Natural Bridge in St. Louis around 11:06 p.m. The suspect then drove off from the scene.

Big and Small: We Have All Types of Crime in St. Louis

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 16:00:58 +0000

Yesterday St. Louis had two movie-style crimes take place. One from a comedy and one basically from Heat but without Val Kilmer.

At 10a yesterday the Medicine Shoppe on Grand by City Diner had a man barge in with a gun demanding a bottle of oxycontin. Despite is weapon induced upper-hand, when chased by employees, the man ran down the street right past the police who turned around and caught the junkie.

On the other side of the scale, dudes with automatic weapons and cool black robbin’ costumes jumped an armored car taking the cash and leaving the guards duct taped up in the back.

Uplands Park Cop Admits to Banging Craigslist Hookers

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:00:34 +0000

Leon Pullen, a 32 year old Uplands Park police officer invented something amazing! “I’m a cop right? Well maybe I can tell people to give me stuff in exchange for not arresting them! How has no one thought about this before?!”

Officer Pullen isn’t all that bright.

[Pullen] scoured online advertisements posted by the escorts, then pretended to be a customer, according to court documents and testimony at his plea hearing in federal court here. Three attacks occurred in the northwest St. Louis County village of under 500 people, one at a St. Louis hotel.

Random Gunfire Moves to St. Charles County

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 19:30:57 +0000

Last night at around 7p a 16-year-old lifeguard at O’Fallon, MO’s Twin Chimneys Subdivision Pool was caught in the leg by a stray bullet.

O’Fallon, Missouri police said the teen was hit in her upper leg while she was on the pool deck at Twin Chimneys Subdivision Pool on Sunday around 6:45 p.m.

She was treated for minor injuries and was taken to an area hospital.

Police do not know where the bullet came from, but said it could have been fired “a significant distance away” from the subdivision.

Suspect in Brutal Murder Believes in Karma According to MySpace

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:00:53 +0000

No doubt you’ve heard of the brutal murder scene discovered in East St. Louis recently. No not that one, the other one. No, the more brutal one. …ok, it was the one where a man, Zachary Irvin, was dismembered and burned to death. According to STLToday:

Irvin’s dismembered body was found burning on top of a metal landscaping cart nearby. Evidence led investigators to the large warehouse along Front Street, where they found three rooms with blood-spattered floors and walls.

Yeah, We Have Axe-Wielding Thieves Now

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 12:00:12 +0000

Well played St. Louis. Guns are so ordinary, so pedestrian. You want to get attention, and maybe a free Frisco Jack combo? The axe is really your only choice.

About 8:55 a.m., someone ran up to [Policeman Luther] Tyus and told him that a man with an ax was robbing the Jack in the Box a few doors away, at 4201 South Kingshighway.

Tyus walked into the busy restaurant with his gun drawn. He saw the robber carrying an ax that was bigger than a hatchet.

Alton Pervert Not Doing a Good Job Hiding It

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 20:00:40 +0000

Scott Pyle, 50, was arrested and charged with inappropriate contact with a minor after a report from a mother who claimed Pyle sexually assaulted her daughter at his home in February.

When they asked for proof, the mother just showed them a picture of Pyle…the police deemed his overt creepiness enough for an arrest.

The Alton police are also working on trying to charge Pyle with a number of other creepy unsolved crimes like being that guy that stands too close to you on the empty elevator or being the uncle that hugs your girlfriend a little longer than he should.

Mayor’s Nephew Charged With Stalking

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 16:00:29 +0000

27 year old Benjamin Slay, nephew to St. Louis mayor Francis Slay, has been charged with “aggravated stalking” after violating a court order by coming in contact with…well…someone he wasn’t supposed to.

The victim or their connection to Slay has not been released. Its gotta be an ex of some sort though right?

It would be cooler though if it tied in to another St. Louis celeb. Like maybe he was stalking Ted Drewes. Yeah! Lets get this rumor going. You tell 2 people and so will we!

Dog the Bounty Hunter Would Never Mace Your Balls Like These Guys

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 12:00:04 +0000

Three bail bondsmen for F & N Bail Bonds (aka Junkie’s Bail Bonds) in Festus have been charged with felony restraint and misdemeanor assault for among other things, macing a guy’s balls…really that one thing should be enough though.

The man said he went willingly with the bondsmen, but that Boyer hit him with a half-full bottle of water in the face while driving to Jefferson County, court documents filed Monday in Hillsboro say.

Free Stuff in Chesterfield! Everything Must Go!

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:00:28 +0000

…I mean unless their door is actually locked. Just try the next house if that actually happens.

Five different families woke up Thursday morning to find their purses, wallets, and small electronics gone. Police say a burglar or burglars walked into five different houses while the homeowners slept overnight.

No one was hurt and detectives did not find any signs of forced entry (things like broken windows, busted locks) leading police to believe the crooks simply walked in through unsecured doors.

Fireworks Stand Being Set on Fire, Leads to Awesomeness

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 12:00:04 +0000

You’ve thought about it. What would happen if you set a fireworks stand on fire? Apparently a really cool explosion followed by lots of whiney sounds about things like “public safety” and “laws”.

Fire Marshal Barry Nuss of the Lincoln County Fire Protection District said the fire in the 1,800-square-foot tent was set shortly before 4 a.m., but he would not say how.

We’re guessing a match or lighter, but it would be awesome if they lit it from a sparkler.

More Proof that Lesbians Like Tongue

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:00:39 +0000

Break-ups. We’ve all been there. At first you’re so pissed off! You just want to go knock over trash cans and kick puppies. I mean, if you just saw her one more time, you’d…well you don’t know what you’d do…but it would be something good, like telling her about that time you rubbed one out in her hand lotion…and mayonnaise…and shampoo bottle…and sock drawer.

In a few days you calm down though and decide to just get those feelings out with a note with a cow’s tongue attached. You know, nothing too crazy.

Don’t F*ck With the Rally’s Drive Through

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 12:00:39 +0000

The Rally’s drive-through on Jefferson in South City had a action movie-style shoot out in it, thankfully while we weren’t waiting in line to get our Baconzilla meal deal.

It all started as a basic St. Louis carjacking. Oh, except it was in a Rally’s drive through. Blockquote has all the details.

It was a robbery attempt outside the Rally’s on Jefferson. The victim says he and a friend were contemplating their order, when two suspects tried to get in the car.

Chef Steals From Restaurant

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 19:00:23 +0000

Its not just the bus boys at your local Denny’s you have to keep your guard up around to make sure they don’t steal stuff, its everyone, in all kitchens apparently…from the crack-head dishwashers to the fancy chef being recruited to come work for you. All of them.

Not you though. The rest of them.

Chef Mark A. Curran has been the public face of the fine-dining restaurant Araka, but now he’s accused of burglarizing and stealing from the restaurant.

Two Dudes Escaped From Jail

Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:00:47 +0000

…but they could barely fill their lungs with the sweet taste of air before getting caught and going right back to jail.

Eric Glenn Gray and Kurt Michael Wallace were discovered hiding in a vacant house in the 5900 block of Wabada at 5:45 p.m. They were arrested without incident.

Pussies. What ever happened to “You’ll never take me alive!”?

St. Louis Corrections Department Director Gene Stubblefield said Gray and Wallace were being held in the Administrative Segregation Unit at the Workhouse because they had been a problem in the past. While there, they deliberately flooded their cell to gain access to the lobby area. They were allowed to clean their cells, which Stubblefield said is against protocol.

Wellston Needs a Batman Really Really Bad

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 12:00:19 +0000

In the midst of a crack down on crime, criminals rolled up to Wellston city hall and fired several shots in to the front of the building in broad daylight, between 8a and 9a yesterday morning.

Fortunately, no one was home when the shots rang out, and the damage was limited to shot up windows and some holes in a metal frame, right next to the sign that says firearms are prohibited on the premises.

It’s Way Too Easy To Scam People From Illinois

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 18:00:21 +0000

Maybe we just over-complicate things. Maybe we just gave people from Illinois too much credit. We don’t know…

We just never thought that knocking on people’s doors and saying “Hi, can you give me some money? … Why? I don’t know something about my car I guess…Can you just give it to me now? … Thanks!” would work. It does apparently. Just follow the people that can’t drive across the river and ask all the slightly more poor people over there.

Ms Teacher Bangs a Boy

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 16:00:18 +0000

Congratulations to that 15 year old kid with the wispy mustache (probably) who got his PE teacher at Trinity High School in Maryland Heights to bang him.

The St. Louis County Prosecutor’s Office charged Kellie Ryan of Maryland Heights with one count of second-degree statutory rape and two counts of statutory sodomy. Ryan, 26, is a physical education teacher at Trinity High School. She’s accused of sleeping with a 15-year-old student.

Guy Clumsily Out Smarts Dumbass Thieves

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:00:34 +0000

KSDK is reporting both on their site and on the air that a Jefferson County man outsmarted his home intruder. The guy got away, so I guess this is kinda true…but, we think the word “outsmarted” might be overstating things a little. Judge for yourself.

One of [the] victims they say thought fast to protect his home and future wife.

When 26 year old Nick Barr got up for a drink of water just before 1 a.m. Tuesday, he flipped on the light and saw a stranger in his home holding a rifle.

Gyro House Guy: The Murder is Still Out There

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:00:42 +0000

These posters are up all over the Loop.

…ok. So are they saying the “perp” is a burn victim? Is he wearing a black guy mask? A robot from the future? …I really think we need to go back to the drawings of the guys…these computer sketches look weird.

Woman Found Almost Dead in Forest Park Creek Bed. The Boy Scouts Are on the Case!

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 16:00:19 +0000

A family (not pictured) stumbled across a tied up and nearly dead woman laying a creek bed in Forest Park last week. Though if you ask the Post Dispatch, its clear they think the father was the star of the show here, and even mentioned about 100 times that he is a Boy Scout Master. Who cares? Freaking girl nearly died, why do I care why the people who found her were in the park for? People go to Forest Park all the time, I don’t need each of their life stories.

RIP Gyro House Guy

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 12:00:07 +0000

We “like” lots of St. Louis restaurants, but we only love a few. Gyro House in the Loop is one of them, though sadly it’s owner was shot and killed outside of his home Friday night in Maplewood.

It’s weird. We’ve seen Ahmed a lot though didn’t actually know his name until now, and never said much more to him other than “Jumbo gyro to go.” and “Thanks.”

Home Explosion Sadly Meth, and Not Mad Scientist Related

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 16:00:23 +0000

A house exploded on Big Bend Station in Manchester Wednesday! I wonder what awesome project was being worked on in there…flubber? Creating a woman that will have sex with anyone? Maybe a transporter? …must be awesome though because they blew up the house and that mean crazy kid scientist that will walk out with soot all over his face and his hair spiked looking dazed, but totally fine. His parents will just look at him…”That’s our Jimmy!”

Cops Nab 45 Car Thieves After Starting New Program

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 16:00:46 +0000

St. Louis’ finest has struck a big blow against our city’s horrible car theft problem with a new program, netting nearly 50 criminals in just one week.

The new program is called “Actually Trying”

Thieves are becoming more sophisticated and more organized when it comes to what police call ‘car clouting,’ according to authorities. To fight back, a special patrol of officers is working the central corridor of the city from downtown to the Central West End.

Awesome Story From the Past: Randi Naughton and Her Breasts Hate Ricky Lamming

Fri, 28 May 2010 19:00:14 +0000

We’ve only been posting here at Punching Kitty for about a year and a half, but its not the only time we’ve taken a moment to enjoy how amazingly weird St. Louis really is. Take for instance this story about Fox 2 anchor Randi Naughton and her admirer Ricky Lamming which we originally wrote for Hell Yeah Bitch! .com. We recently ran across this old story and well, consider this a Punching Kitty prequel.

You Can’t Even Eat Your Chinese Take Out Without Getting Shot in St. Louis…twice.

Thu, 27 May 2010 16:00:15 +0000

Dude goes to pick up his chinese take out in Washington Park and as he was leaving the place couple of guys rolled up and shot him twice. Probably turned the gun sideways first too…does that matter? It looks cooler for sure though. Probably worth whatever downgrade in aim that comes along with it.

Washington Park Police Chief David Clark said that at 10:03 p.m. Tuesday, the victim was coming out of the China House Restaurant on Kingshighway when two men approached him. Scarves hiding their faces, the two opened fire on the victim, hitting him twice.

Dumpy Bald Guy Robs Bank

Thu, 20 May 2010 19:00:26 +0000

You may think that bald tub pictured above is just another of the thousands of “fat guys in polo shirts” St. Louis has been collecting over the years, but you would be wrong.

That guy is made of pure balls.

You would have to be to waltz in to a bank and rob the place looking like Paul from Cheers (huh?), with nothing but a pursey-wallet-thing-but-definitely-nothing-a-man-shoudl -be-carrying-around thing in his hands.

Mardy Gilyard Got Robbed

Wed, 19 May 2010 16:00:51 +0000

Newly drafted Rams wide receiver Mardy Gilyard got jacked.

“I am OK. Just upset, you know, more than anything,” Gilyard said Tuesday from his Northern Kentucky home. “It’s part of living in the city. I know from my experiences in the city when it warms up – as soon as it warms up – the grimy cats in the city come out. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings as much as I should have been.”

Gangs Clean Up North St. Louis City, Still Plan to Shoot at Each Other

Mon, 10 May 2010 16:00:52 +0000

According to KMOX State Representative Jamillah Nasheed and Alderman Antonio French talked to gang members and got them to help in an O’Fallon Park cleanup project.

French met with some gang members recently and helped them come up with “Operation Unity” — a weekly community clean-up effort, “They care about our community, too. They live here and grew up here. Many have kids of their own living here. They want to bring up the quality of life in their neighborhood. We’re getting them involved, organized, and working together.”

Old Guy Makes Hostage Threat After Running Out of Other Non-Jailable Ideas

Thu, 06 May 2010 12:00:43 +0000

Randy Trim was pissed off. Not just pissed off like when the Diet Mt Dew fountain doesn’t work at the gas station in the morning…like hostage threat but not bothering to conceal his identity or location pissed.

Yeah…ok…I guess that can be a level of pissed.

Trim, 62, of the first block of Capri Way in St. Charles, walked into the Regions Bank at 1416 Harvestowne Industrial last Thursday morning wondering why his social security check had not been deposited.

St. Louis Has the Worst Casino Crimes

Wed, 05 May 2010 12:00:49 +0000

In Vegas, even the “little” heists are planned down to the detail. No one hits the big casinos ill-prepared. They have two drivers, a computer expert (for some reason), the muscle and the brains…at a minimum. Their schemes involve parachuting on to the roof, dropping in on a zip line, using smoke to see the lasers and then trying to get out with the money after two costume changes and stop to make some wonderfully phrased zinger to a pretty lady at one of the craps tables.

Ninjas Roam Town & Country

Mon, 03 May 2010 16:00:43 +0000

Be careful out there in Town & Country, MO…that there is ninja country. There are now two reports of ninja attacks in the quiet St. Louis suburb…maybe it’s a little too quiet…like “Did you just hear something? …hm. No.” nina-star-to-the-head quiet.

Now, unless you are 13 years old, you should be fine. This ninja appears to like the easy game.

A man wearing a ninja mask and all white clothing accosted a 13-year-old boy Thursday at the Town & Country Crossings shopping center, grabbing him off his bike and throwing the boy to the ground.

Um Your Thumb Drive is Poking Me in the Back. Oh Wait. It’s Your Penis.

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 16:00:22 +0000

Let us set the scene…

You’re working away on your term paper at your campus computer lab. Its cold in here, and why do all computer labs always smell like this? On top of that, where the hell do you even go to buy an orange plastic chair? Weird. It’s getting hot in here now. Damn! Really hot. Its like the air vent is blowing hot air right on the back of my neck. Whatever…keep going…you have to finish this paper by…is that a penis being shoved in to my back?

Couple Gets Caught for Faking Paralysis

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:00:25 +0000

“Hey, what if I just say I’m paralyzed…I mean hell, I can just sit there when they come to check it out! I’m a god-damned genius.”

I’ll give you one guess where this amazingly stupid idea came from. Yup. East St. Louis.

A judge in East St. Louis sentenced 25-year-old Amy Rush of Glen Carbon on Monday to two years behind bars for her role in the scam. Her ex-husband, Jeffrey Rush, was ordered Friday to spend six and a half years in prison and to repay more than $300,000. Amy Rush must make $241,000 in restitution.

Michael Moore of Kirkwood Hates You Unless You Died in a War

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 12:00:19 +0000

Back in February 2008 five people were killed during a shooting at the Kirkwood City Hall. A lovely memorial was commissioned, work began, and right before it got finished Michael Moore, the loser in the 2008 Kirkwood mayoral race, not the fat guy with a camera, has decided to sue the city because unless you got your head blown off in a war, the taxpayers don’t own you crap. …stupid people getting shot….You know we gotta pay to have the carpets cleaned now! Ya think that’s cheap?!

Mizzou Racists Charged for Littering

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 19:00:43 +0000

Back on March 3rd, we talked about the unfunny, offensive but otherwise legal “prank” perpetrated on the Mizzou campus that involved cotton balls being spread in front of the Black Culture Center early one morning.

Sure this is offensive, but its more offensive that someone thought this was going to play on some level. This is like telling industrial revolution jokes.

“University of Missouri, Columbia Police tell Globe-Democrat.com that they are investigating but at this point have no arrests.”

Shocker: Creepy Looking Guy Turns Out to Be Total Molester

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:00:12 +0000

I’m not sure how many sleep-over age girls we have as readers, but here’s a tip for them anyway. If every time you ask your Dad “Can I have my friend sleep over tonight?” and he says “Yeah! Totally! Invite some more friends actually! I have plenty of pillows for a fight, and tons of NyQuil laid out downstairs next to the video camera I don’t ever leave on. Oh that light? That means it’s off.” he’s a pervert and you should probably tell someone.

Police Investigating Dude Found Shot in the Street

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 12:00:07 +0000

Welcome to St. Louis, where you can just find dudes shot dead in the street and no one, not even the police, have any ideas how it happened.

St. Louis police are investigating the death of a man found lying in the street early Saturday morning.

When officers arrived they found Patrick L. Robinson, 30, of the 800 block of Wall Street, lying on the ground with a gunshot wound to the chest.

St. Louis County Cops Get Tasers, Still Just Cheaper to Shoot You

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 16:00:42 +0000

By the start of May, every single County cops will be rocking a Taser. Get ready for a whole lot of great “Don’t Tase Me Bro” videos from the Lou!

A federal grant allowed the Police Department to buy an additional 300 of the devices, which deploy electrically charged barbs that temporarily paralyze a person. In all, about 600 officers will be equipped with the $1,000 Tasers.

Thieves Rip off Weather Man’s Car Outside of KSDK Office

Tue, 06 Apr 2010 16:00:23 +0000

KSDK weather man Anthony Slaughter was one of nine speedy car breakins early Sunday morning which happened right outside of the KSDK offices in downtown St. Louis.

Mike Owens reporting for KSDK –

The suspects pulled up in a white Pontiac a few minutes after 3:00 a.m. In less than 2 minutes, they had broken into two cars and were on their way. One of the cars, an older model Chevrolet, is owned by NewsChannel 5 weathercaster Anthony Slaughter.

Washington Park, IL Mayor Shot and Killed

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:00:24 +0000

A sad day for the people of Washington Park, IL as their mayor, John Thornton, has been murdered.

Thornton was 52 years old. He had been the mayor of Washington Park for nearly five years.

Investigators say Thornton was shot to death inside his car at about 5:40 in the morning at 47th and Caseyville Avenue in Washington Park. Washington Park Police initially told us that someone had flagged down Mayor Thornton asking him for money and that the mayor had let the person into his car. That’s when Washington Park Police said the murder happened and the shooter escaped in another car.

St. Louis Police Accidentally Catch Thieves and Manage Not to Shoot Any of Them

Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:00:46 +0000

We loved this little note from the Globe Democrat last night:

St. Louis Metropolitan police said officers may have stopped several suspects from stealing a vehicle at Dr. Martin Luther King Drive and Jefferson Avenue Tuesday night.

Hey, well allright! Really nice work. Of course there were apparently “several” people stealing a single car so that had to stand out some way right. I mean if you see 5 people wailing away on a car, you think, as an officer of the law, you might say “Hey, why are you doing that?” and then apparently like in all good action movies the felons flipped out, making it obvious their intentions and possibly opened fire!

A St. Louis Priest Likes Little Girls. No I mean LIKES them. Yeah, I know. Gross.

Thu, 01 Apr 2010 12:00:44 +0000

Its Easter and things are rising all over the place, except for a part of one James Grady, and if we’re lucky, it will be chemically unable to rise ever again.

Father James Grady pled guilty to possessing child pornography Wednesday morning.

The St. Louis area priest (yup priest) was busted last summer when Grady was asked if he had any kiddie porn on his church purchased laptop and he said “No, I’ve just looked at it. I don’t have any downloaded.” to which the cops pretty much replied “Dude. There is some right there.” It was probably his wallpaper or something. People that are bad at computers always set weird crap as their wallpaper and then don’t know how to change it.

Missouri and Illinois Have “Un-Fair” Judges

Fri, 26 Mar 2010 19:00:27 +0000

This according to a survey done by some fancy something or other.

Missouri ranked 37th among the 50 states for the perceived fairness of its litigation environment. This is down from its 2008 ranking of 31 as well as from its rank of 34 in 2007.

Illinois came in at No. 45 for the perceived fairness of its litigation environment. It ranked 46th in both 2007 and 2008.

Dudes in to Kiddie Porn Should Invest in Their Own Computer

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 12:00:27 +0000

If one had plans to look at kiddie porn, you would think the next step in their minds (other than “F*ck me. I’m gross.”) is “Maybe I should invest in my own computer.” Its clear these guys know there is a…lets just say “stigma” against those men with those interests, and one would think that the risk of being arrested, beat up, or even killed might be enough to pay the $300 dollars for some crappy laptop.

Loud Guy is “Scared as Hell” to be Living in St. Louis

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 16:00:57 +0000

St. Louis is #3 on the most dangerous American cities list…again. Old news. We are always on there. We’re like that kid that wears the leather jacket no matter how hot it gets and uses a switch blade comb. We’re bad ass. We know it.

Well, I guess not everyone knows it. (Watch out people at work, this dude is loud!)

At the end of his little tirade, he shows the whole list. Note that if you think you are just having a stroke because you can’t seem to lock in and read the list very well, don’t worry. Its just because this genius though the best way to display the list is with black text on a bright red background…that blinks.

Police Confused as to Why Stupid Prisoner Hanged Herself

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:00:03 +0000

The Globe Democrat reports that a St. Louis Metro Police prisoner decided to end it all while the cops were at lunch or something recently.

The 32-year-old woman was taken into custody around 2:00 p.m. Tuesday in the 5400 block of Southwest Avenue for an outstanding bench warrants. She was taken to the south patrol area station where she was being held.

Around 3:00 p.m., the victim was found hanging in the holding cell. She had used an item of her clothing to hang herself. Police said they immediately took the woman down and contacted EMS. She was taken to a hospital where she was pronounced dead.

RFT Writer Gets Sucker Punched in the Loop

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:00:17 +0000

We at Punching Kitty love being in the city during the spring. Walking down the streets of the Looop, with that cool nip in the air that makes it so you can’t decide if you should have brought your coat. Looking at the shine of the streetlights coming off the rain puddles on still on the streets from the night below takes your focus to the point where you don’t even see the little bitch about to sucker punch you as you walk past the Subway.

Dude. WTF?!

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 17:00:06 +0000

I have no idea where Lexington, Missouri is and frankly I don’t want to know because a family was recently arrested there and…well…tell ’em block quote:

Burrell Jr. of Independence, his three brothers, his father and an uncle have all been arrested. Their alleged victims have made allegations of years of rape and incest,

Dude.

[…] including mock weddings

Awww, dude.

[…] and claims that children were forced to kill a 300-pound man who had been kidnapped

South St. Louis Gets a Taste of North St. Louis

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:00:52 +0000

A roving group of thugs went around south St. Louis Friday and eventually kicked the crap out of two men, giving the south side of St. Louis a little taste of what life is like on the north side of town.

St. Louis Metropolitan Police said the group assaulted their first victim in the 7400 block of Virginia. Witnesses told police a 42-year- old man was collecting cans when the teenagers approached him and without provocation began to punch and kick him. The man was not injured and refused medical attention.

City Advertises to Lower Crime Instead of Investing in Robocop

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:00:56 +0000

The city of St. Louis is launching an advertising campaign to help with the chronic issue of car break-ins within the city limits.

The crime has blossomed in recent years, with the advent of GPS devices and MP3 players. The thrust of the new initiative is to alert motorists to not leave anything in sight inside their cars. The campaign will be managed through window posters and billboards paid for by the police department, a total of about $7,500.

Police Shocked and Happily Surprised to Find Hispanics Pulled Over Were Actually Criminals

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:00:45 +0000

“What do you know!” said one officer, “You know, you pull over hispanic after hispanic and you have to let them go because they weren’t doing anything wrong or that trailer full of lawn mowers and hedge clippers really did belong to them and then something like this happens. It just really makes your day!”

Around 6:30 p.m. Sunday, the Phelps County Sheriff’s Department said a Peterbuilt tractor trailer was stopped for a traffic violation.

Dude Got Shot in the Ass in North St. Louis

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:00:29 +0000

KMOV is reporting a man was shot in the butt Saturday night in north St. Louis. I know. Totally surprising.

According to police, the victim and three friends were walking across the street when a newer model dark blue or black SUV approached.

The front seat passenger got out and fired shots; the victim and friends ran to a nearby residence. The suspects fled the scene.

The victim is in stable, but totally embarrassed condition because there’s no way to make an ass wound sound badass.

Youth Leader Likes Kids…I Mean Really Likes Kids

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 13:00:03 +0000

You know what’s great about church youth groups? Um…wait I can think of something…there’s um…crap, there has to be something…oh I know! There’s very little chance of being recorded when you wake up on a group camp-out in your tent and decide to rub a quick one out and have it ended up online.

A Collinsville, IL church youth group leader is facing charges for possessing and…yup…creating child pornography.

Joseph Emil Klug was the leader of the Royal Rangers, a youth group that is for boys of grade school and high school age. The boys go camping and earn pins for various activities. Klug, as an adult leader, took an Indian sounding name, “Young Owl.”

Former St. Louis Cop Sues Facebook

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 20:00:03 +0000

Bryan Pour, who probably had a pretty bitchin’ beer-drinkin nickname in college, was fired from his post as a St. Louis police officer after a brawl/shooting incident outside of a bar. Pour also got a parting gift of a felony charge of aggravated battery with a firearm with the possibility of 30 years in the clink.

What does Facebook have to do with this?

Former KFNS Producer Ryan Huff Gets 25 Years for Diddling Tweens

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 13:00:48 +0000

We’ve been following this case here at Punching Kitty since we basically first launched over a year ago and it looks like its finally come to a close.

Former producer for local sports talk outfit KFNS Ryan Huff has been sentenced to 25 years in prison after pleading guilty to…deep breath…two felony counts of production of child pornography, one felony count of enticement of a child, one felony count of receipt of child pornography, two felony counts of possession of child pornography and one felony count of transferring obscene material to a minor. Whew!

Sexy Mugshot: James Watkins, Cock Snatcher

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:00:15 +0000

42 year old James Watkins was arrested last weekend for stealing roosters in order to have his own private cock fights.

According to Captain Brad Wells, Chief of Detectives for the Madison County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the 3300 V.F.W. Lane around 7:50 a.m. Saturday in response to a reported disturbance. When they arrived at the home of James T. Watkins, deputies noticed blood and feathers in the living room.

Secretary Embezzles From Employer, Apparently Has Never Seen Psycho

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 20:00:38 +0000

We were a bit shocked when we saw this news. Do secretaries really think just busting out the ole company checkbook and writing some checks to themselves seem like a good idea still?

Andrea Wild wrote some signed checks from her employer to pay her own personal expenses, including utility bills, home mortgage, credit card bills and car loan payments, according to the indictment.

She also allegedly wrote some checks directly to herself.

Some Dude Made His Meth in a Sonic

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 20:00:18 +0000

The manager of the Cape Girardeau Sonic has copped to the fact that he was cooking meth in his restaurant.

The former manager of a Sonic restaurant in Cape Girardeau has pleaded guilty to attempting to manufacture methamphetamine at the restaurant.

The Southeast Missourian reported that 27-year-old Dennie Bratcher also pleaded guilty Tuesday to second-degree burglary. Sentencing is March 16.

Those Sonic’s are pretty small, so my first question is where exactly was he making his meth. Then my mind immediately floats to the awesomeness it must have been for meth heads to drive up and get their meth delivered to them by a girl on roller skates with a side of those awesome Cheddar Bites!

Steven Jackson Cleared Criminally: Lack of Evidence!

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 13:00:30 +0000

Rams running back / the only player that matters had some of the weight lifted off his shoulders as the Las Vegas police have dropped the investigation in to the claims of his former girlfriend that he beat her while she was nine months pregnant.

Investigators found insufficient evidence that Jackson, 26, attacked Supriya Harris of Mableton, Ga., in March 2009, Las Vegas police Officer Barbara Morgan said.

Hey Look a Drug House!

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:00:21 +0000

Starting now, if you are arrested for selling drugs out of your home in Belleville, IL you will have a sign posted out in front of your house alerting the rest of the neighborhood…or letting the 14 year old white kid down the street know that he doesn’t have to buy his pot in the highschool parking lot after all.

Belleville individuals who are arrested for selling drugs out of their home will now have signs posted near their residence to alert their neighbors, according to the Belleville Police Department.

Couple Steals Haitian Donation Jar, Probably Are Really Nice People Normally Though

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 17:00:39 +0000

A Liberty, MO Culver’s had a donation jar on the counter for helping the Haitians. What a lovely idea right? Well some couple stole it.

Liberty police are looking for a couple who took a donation can intended for Haiti earthquake relief from a restaurant.

A video shows the couple putting their bags of food on either side of the can, picking it up and walking out the door.

Guy Robs Clayton Bank, Gets Caught Across the Street at Hospital

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:00:20 +0000

A guy robs a Clayton bank by slipping the teller a note and grabbing a sack of money (I’m assuming it was one of those with a dollar sign on it). He then proceeds to walk across the street, in broad daylight, with tons of witnesses. He was followed by the cops and was arrested on the first floor of the hospital with little trouble.

What?

From STLToday:

The 39-year-old St. Louis man presented a note to the bank teller demanding money about 12:05 p.m. today. He did not display a weapon and no one was hurt during the robbery, Clayton police said.

If You Never Got Your Package of Coke, Its at the Franklin County Assessor’s Office

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:00:22 +0000

You know that package with the baggie of cocaine you were expecting? Well it was accidentally delivered to the Franklin County Assessor’s Office.

The Union Police Department was contacted Thursday afternoon after a mysterious powdery substance turned up at the Franklin County Assessor’s Office from a Pacific resident. The powdery substance turned out to be a controlled substance.

This story gets better, because apparently the Assessor isn’t exactly hip to the jive. When he saw the white powder, he didn’t do the tv cop thing where they just stick their finger in there and then taste it. [Editor’s Note: That’s what she said!] No, he called in HAZMAT!

Steve Jackson Responds to Claims He Knocked Around a Knocked-Up Broad

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:00:44 +0000

Steven Jackson has responded to the heinous charges by his ex-girlfriend and mother of his son to TMZ:

The St. Louis Rams running back just released a statement to TMZ saying, “It’s disheartening that I have to address any alleged allegations 10 months later, but I have read the accusations made by Supriya Harris, and they are untrue.”

Jackson continued, “The accusations are especially hurtful because those who truly know me know that those actions would be out of character for me.”

Steven Jackson Accused of Beating Up Pregnant Girlfriend!

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:26:59 +0000

TMZ is reporting that there has been a claim filed in Las Vegas against the Rams All-Pro running back stating that during a 2009 argument…

“Steven became enraged and pushed me to the ground, repeatedly.”

“forcibly grabbed my arm and flung me against the door. I was crying and trying to protect my stomach from the blows, as I was 9 mos pregnant.”

Old Guy Robs Bank

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:00:21 +0000

On Monday the Reliance Bank off of Olive in St. Louis County. Here’s a shot of the action:

The cops believe that the suspect is a man in his 50s wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and a dark jacket. But thats probably because they have a freaking picture of an older guy in the bank holding a gun wearing a cap, sunglasses and a dark jacket. Nice work. The suspect is either him or the lady in pink, but she doesn’t seem to be all that in to the money and she’s not holding a gun.

Molester to be Released, but He Has a Funny Name So That Helps

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 13:00:31 +0000

“Dancing Danny” used to hang out in teen clubs dancing it up all night. Now most would think a middle-aged man dancing the night away in a club for teens is perfectly normal and not molesterly at all, but wouldn’t you know it that Danny had to ruin it for the rest of them by going ahead and cupping a few of them.

In 1997, Danny Ray Schwab was convicted of molesting 22 young boys and sentenced to 40 years in prison. His sentence was reduced about five years ago, because of what the St. Clair County State’s Attorney calls a “legislative error.” Now, Schwab could be out of prison as early as February 28, 2010.

Moron Freaks Out at a Kansas City McDonalds

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:00:47 +0000

Alesha McMullen has been charged with Class D felony property damage after freaking out in a Kansas City McDonalds after she was displeased with the service and food she had received.

McMullen threw numerous objects over the counter at employees, knocked over both registers and completely disregarded those “Wet Floor” signs. All the damage came to about $3,000 in total.

Oh, and because I love you…there’s video!

No word yet as to why a related video to this on YouTube concerns Fresh Prince star Alfonso Ribeiro.

Fredericktown Police Captain Likes Little Boys, Little Boys Not Big Fans of Him

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 13:00:43 +0000

A Fredericktown, MO police captain and local Boy Scoutmaster has been busted for being…you’ll never guess…a sexual predator! Three cheers for stereotypes!

Kenneth Tomlinson II, 42, a police captain in Fredericktown and Boy Scout leader, has admitted having sex with young boys and destroying videotapes he made of the sex, court records show.

After 16 counts of sodomy involving two boys, ages 12 and 14, Tomlinson should be ready for a little sodomy of his own, but first the worst punishment of all…

Woman Brawls in Bar With Mug

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 13:00:24 +0000

Oh you crazy Illinois people!

Seems like every place in Illinois not named Chicago is like one big nasty strip club fight. Take this classy, might be about to cry or laugh, I’m not sure, lady on the right here. She said to herself:

“Brain, I really want to bash this other broad on the head. But what can I use…hmm…what. can. I. use. What is readily available in a bar that I can use to bludgeon someone…hello! Mug! Ha. Figures, right under my nose! Well anyway, I got to go try to kill this lovely lady but when I get back brain I’m going to continue to kill you with cheap beer and meth.”

St. Louis is Looking For 24 of You, and It Will Find You

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:00:26 +0000

According to the Globe-Democrat, managed to kill 24 less people in 2009 than in 2008.

The St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department reported there were 143 homicides recorded in the city for 2009. That’s 24 fewer than the 167 homicides reported in the city during 2008. Police departments record crimes such as homicides that become part of the FBI’s Uniform Crime statistics

24 of you got away…and St. Louis pissed.

You think you’re going to get away with this? Pffft. Maybe in Salt Lake City, but not here. Not in one of America’s most dangerous cities. 24 people cheated death in St. Louis last year and St. Louis hates cheaters!

Nelly Offers Reward for Information About His Burglary

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 17:00:44 +0000

The Globe-Democrat is reporting that rap star and native St. Louisan Nelly is offering a $10,000 for information that leads to the arrest of the men that broke in to his home a few weeks ago.

Please note the fine print.

Nelly is offering a $10,000 reward in addition to the CrimeStoppers reward for information that leads to the felony arrest (not arrest and conviction) of the person or people responsible for the burglary to his Wildwood home.

Stolen Cars in North City Come With Free Bullets!

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 17:00:41 +0000

So you’re a thug ok? You see a car idling on the street, and you think. “Wow, doesn’t get much easier than this!” So you hop in and start to drive away.

And then you get shot “several times” and die.

Its like the damn wild west in North St. Louis!

An 18-year-old north St. Louis man was fatally wounded Sunday as he attempted to steal a truck.

Marquicio Johnson Makes Last Minute Shot at Mug Shot of the Year

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:00:46 +0000

Although he looks like a stand-up gentleman, turns out Marquicio Johnson here likes to beat the crap out of little girls. So much so, that he stops in the middle of getting his hair did to whoop a little girl.

Good guy.

The great-aunt’s boyfriend, Marquicio Johnson, 33, was supposed to be watching the child while his girlfriend, a nurse, was working the overnight, 11 p.m.-7 a.m. shift at a Chesterfield nursing home. He called to report the unconscious child at about 8:30 a.m. on Dec. 16.

Ryan Huff Pleads Guilty

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:00:17 +0000

The saga of former KFNS producer Ryan Huff gets closer to the end.

We got an anonymous tip last night to our tip line (314-266-TIPS) telling us that Huff had in fact plead guilty to the charges. Sure enough, after searching through a few sites we found an extremely small blurb on STLToday that had this to say about the 25 year old Huff:

Whoops! Registered Sex Offender Working For Kirkwood School District

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:00:56 +0000

You know that creepy cafeteria worker at your kids school and seems to look a little too long while shoveling the creamed corn? …I mean he’s weird, but its a school…they don’t actually hire people that would…you know…nothing to worry about.

Oh wait. Your kid doesn’t go to the Kirkwood School District do they?

Ok, then go ahead and worry. They hire molesters there.

Think about that everyone that hasn’t molested a kid and can’t find a job!

Wash U More Dangerous Than UMSL?

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:00:54 +0000

A week ago we posted a little something about a woman getting attacked in a bathroom at UMSL’s north city campus.

Yeah, we hear North St. Louis is a “very safe” part of town in general if you disregard all the murders and muggings.

But wait! Were we wrong with our flippant remarks about north city and UMSL? Maybe. We had someone contact us about the matter!

Here’s what they said:

Dudes House Gets Jacked Twice, Probably Deserved it Though

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:30:27 +0000

According to the Globe-Democrat, some guy in South St. Louis got his home invaded twice and shot once. Also I heard his Tivo didn’t tape So You Think You Can Dance, so you can imagine how horrible his life is now.

St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department responded to a report of a home invasion and shooting around 1 a.m. Tuesday morning. Investigators said five men attempted a home invasion at a residence in the 2200 block of Osage Street. A man inside the home, not the homeowner, said he was sleeping and awoke when someone opened his bedroom door and as five or six black males began shooting at him.

Nelly Robbed! Black Guy in Hooded Sweatshirt Crime Spree Continues

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:00:37 +0000

We took a little unscheduled break on Friday, and apparently we can’t ever do that again as the minute our guard was down Nelly got robbed!

Police said Nelly, who’s real name is Cornell Haynes, Jr., was not home at the time, but three other people were there. The suspect grabbed a backpack full of electronics and was confronted by someone inside the home. The robber left the home with the backpack and got into a black GMC Envoy.

Cardinals 3B, David Freese Arrested on DWI Charge

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:49:11 +0000

Joe Strauss is reporting on STLToday.com that Cardinals third basemen, and the current leader to be the starter there come spring has been arrested on a DWI charge in Maryland Heights

Cardinals third baseman David Freese was arrested in St. Louis County early Saturday morning on suspicion of driving while intoxicated, Maryland Heights police confirmed Sunday.

Maryland Heights police did not make available an incident report Sunday, but sources familiar with the case confirmed Freese was arrested in the early-morning hours.

Woman Attacked in UMSL Bathroom

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 13:00:23 +0000

Nothing worse than being at a night class and then getting attacked when trying to take a leak.

Campus police say they are following several leads. They say the attack happened about around 4:20 p.m. Tuesday in the Social Science and Business building.

School officials maintain UMSL is a very safe campus, although this is the second time this year that a potentially dangerous situation was reported on campus.

Yeah, we hear North St. Louis is a “very safe” part of town in general if you disregard all the murders and muggings.

Man Found Dead at Quik Trip, Probably Tried Hot Dog

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:00:44 +0000

You pull up to the Quik Trip, park and race out. You’ve had to pee for about 39 miles now and you thought you make it until you got home. You were wrong. You’ve been battling your bladder all night on the road, this Quik Trip rest room is going to your Waterloo and you don’t care.

Try the door. Locked.

Ryan Huff Rape Case Delayed Until New Year

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:00:32 +0000

The last time we updated you on the charges against former KFNS producer Ryan Huff, we had this as the next step:

The case is #09JE-CR00165-01 “The State vs Ryan A. Huff” and will be heard by Judge Mark T Stoll. There is a pre-trial set for November 13, 2009, with the actual jury trial starting on November 30th, 2009.

…so its no wonder we started getting emails this last week for updates on this case since it appears that the wheels were finally in motion.

Stupid Canadian Wanted to Get Shot Down, Instead Lands in Missouri

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:00:42 +0000

Lets say you are a sad Canadian that apparently wants to die. Oh wait, lets also say you are a freaking moron…and oddly enough, have a pilot’s license. What’s the suicide move?

Would you have decided to hop in a plane, and try to fly across the US border hoping to get shot down only to have that not happen, and then keep flying until you have to make an emergency landing in Missouri?

Someone Threw Away a Body in Pacific

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:00:43 +0000

According to KSDK:

The Major Case Squad is investigating a body found in an apartment complex trash bin.

The body was found Tuesday afternoon at the Monroe Woods Apartments in Pacific.

You want details? Well guess what crimestoppers!

Investigators have not said if the body is that of a man or a woman, nor have they commented on how it appears the person died.

Webster Groves Gets a Whole Lot More Sexy With Their New Flasher

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:00:57 +0000

We miss the days when flashers rocked the long trench coat, walked right up to people and just put it out there and sometimes, if they are really good, threw in a little wiggle for good measure. Today’s flashers, are just too damn lazy! Take for instance this schmuck in Webster Groves:

Police in Webster Groves and Brentwood are looking for a man who exposed himself to young girls four different times.

This Lady Really Sucks at Sign Making

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:00:09 +0000

Recently there have been some pretty messed up violent crimes going down in the trendy Lafayette Square neighborhood of St.Louis City, so about 20 people took to the streets for a rally against the violence.

Its all very sad and I hope what they did helps, but this lady above, picture on STLToday.com with the story is a horrible sign maker.

Donna Judish is the Sexiest Woman In St. Louis and Here’s My Plan to Get Her

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:00:55 +0000

Man some guys get all the breaks. She Richard up there? He somehow broke off a piece of that sexy Donna up there! Man. How did he do it?!

It doesn’t matter though. Now I have a plan to steal Donna away from him so I make out with her and find out what that crust on the corner of her mouth tastes like.

Mayor of East St. Louis Finally Realizes East St. Louis Sucks

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:00:28 +0000

Alvin Parks ran for and won the titles of Mayor and Liquor Commissioner of that turd of a city, our neighbors to the east that piggy-backs off of our name, East St. Louis. Throughout the whole process however, Parks never did realize that East St. Louis is, in fact, a pit of booze, drugs, crime and despair. All of a sudden Parks is “fed up” with the situation in East St. Louis, and he’s going to enact a plan to fix it: Move up the ole selling liquor cut off. It is now 1am.

St. Louis County to Stall Some Bait Houses Because Criminals Are Stupid

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:00:24 +0000

The St. Louis County Council is taking a vote soon to be the first place in the nation to install “bait houses,” because we have lots of empty houses and calling some of them a special names means you can cross them off the total number of empty homes list!

The St. Louis County Police Department proposed the idea to crack down on criminals breaking into vacant foreclosed houses. One of the detectives got the idea from the “bait cars” that are used to track car thieves. Some of the items inside the bait houses would have tracking devices that police will monitor.

One Year Old Tries to Take On 26 Year Old and Loses

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:00:46 +0000

Stupid baby. You can’t take on a grow 26 year old Jefferson County man! I’m sure you didn’t want to learn that lesson with skull fractures, but well, now you know the ageless lesson: “Don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’!”

Jefferson County Prosecutor Forrest Wegge has charged Ronald Wills, 26, of Arnold with felony assault and endangering the welfare of a child after he allegedly beat his girlfriend’s 1-year-old daughter.

The First Rule of Gun Safety is Do Not Talk About Gun Safety

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:00:23 +0000

James Looney (no, not the Dodgers player. He only has one ‘o’.) decided to show his girlfriend how to use a gun the other day. Clearly the lesson plan wasn’t sinking in, so this teaching revolutionary decided the best way to show her how to not use a gun was the kill himself.

Best lesson plan of all time! You can only use it the one time though.

Creepy Looking Police Officer Raped and Robbed Hookers

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:00:27 +0000

This sexy fella on the right is Officer Leon Pullen and he is accused of robbing 10 prostitutes and sexually assaulting at least three of them.

Using “online advertising” [Editor’s Note: *cough* Craigslist! *cough*] Pullen lured his victims to North County city of Uplands Park where he worked as an officer. According to one of the victims, after meeting up with a prostitute responding to his ad, Pullen took her money and performed oral sex on her against her will in the police station, court documents allege.

Guy Breaks in to House, Covers Inside With Liquid Soap

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:00:08 +0000

Wait, what?

A man who allegedly broke into a house because it was a place to smoke cocaine and “cool off” then spread liquid hand soap about the house before leaving, St. Louis County police said.

Darion J. Ellis, 18, of Florissant, told police he poured the liquid soap throughout the house to clean up after himself, according to the police report.

Weird huh? Don’t worry the police have it figured out.

Officials Say Meth Use Falling, Not So Says Shirtless Guy With Holes In Teeth

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:00:38 +0000

According to a national study that was just released, the number of people older than 12 that use meth in this area fell 60% between 2006 and 2008. Not only that, but the number of people trying meth also dropped 60% as well.

Alright! High-five cops!

But law enforcement officials took little solace in the numbers.

Awww. Um…great. Way to kill the mood.

Its Ok For Adults to Text While Driving Starting Today

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:00:07 +0000

Good news for those of us over the age of 21! You can drink, and you are still free to text message your friends while driving and potentially threaten the lives of everyone else on the road around you!

Motorists 21 or younger in Missouri will be prohibited from text messaging while driving starting on Friday, when a new law takes effect. The state will join 22 others in having some sort of prohibition on texting from behind the wheel.

Police to Protestors: “I’m sorry. Here’s some money.”

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 12:00:37 +0000

In 2003 the St. Louis police department raided the homes of several potential protestors of the World Agriculture Forum held in St. Louis that year. After six years worth of lawsuit, the hippies got the cops to settle and, like all bad little boys that do illegal searches do, write an apology letter:

The department sincerely regrets the grievances of plaintiffs arising from the department’s response to the May 2003 World Agriculture Forum including the extended detentions or damages of personal property of the plaintiffs. Infringement of civil liberties of the citizenry was not warranted by what may have transpired at protests in other cities. The department recognizes and values the importance of civil discourse

St. Louis Cops Catch a Weak James Bond

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:00:05 +0000

A St. Louis area police officer pulled over a BMW for speeding the other day and when inspecting the car they found:

$54,200 bones.

Eight prepaid cell phones.

Several ID cards.

Six dozen Western Union reciepts.

17 midgets.

The driver claimed to have been working for an organization that had him buy a prepaid phone to get secret text message instructions on how and where to get cash to send out. Sadly he won’t tell the authorities where the money or the instructions came from, but I think we both know it was some kinda of awesome sounding group like “Red Claw” or “The Anarchy League” that has a secret island lair that the paid an ass-load of money to make look like a skull.

O’Fallon MO Police Join Twitter

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 12:00:46 +0000

The O’Fallon MO police department have joined Twitter! In other news, the Fonz successfully landed his death-defying jump over the shark.

The OPD have squeezed out a total of four tweets, the first on August 19th, and have managed to scrape together a surprising 49 followers. @ofallonpolice themselves, are only following St. Louis’ Major Case Squad (@majorcasesquad)

As of this writing, they did not respond to our question via a Twitter reply:

Another Proud Day for Missouri: Dude Bites Another Dude’s Earlobe Off.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:00:53 +0000

Tell me if you’ve heard this one: Two southeast Missouri guys are fighting over a girl. [Editor’s Note: I’m going to guess the girl’s name is Cheyenne, and prefers half-shirts.] At one point one of guys whips out a knife, but they managed to remove him from the house. Undeterred, the Knife Guy starts banging loudly on the windows which prompts Other Guy to come out and they begin to get in an old fashion brawl which ends with Knife Guy biting the freaking earlobe off Other Guy.

Some People Just Get Really Excited to See St. Louis

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:00:42 +0000

During a flight from Oakland, CA to St. Louis a man got a little frisky and decided to pull out his junk and show it to lady on the flight.

From Fox2Now.com (emphasis mine):

A Southwest Airlines flight headed to St. Louis was forced to make an emergency landing after a man stripped naked in mid-flight. Flight 947 originated in Oakland, California. About half an hour after take off, the airline says a man exposed himself to a female passenger, then hit her when she screamed.

Update: McDonald’s is Not to be Messed With

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 16:00:05 +0000

Last Thursday we ran a story (with accompanying video) about a guy that refused to pull forward at the drive through and wait for his grub and thus demanded a refund. Things didn’t go well after that:

After waiting ten minutes I knocked on the drive-thru window and asked for the food or money back. No response. I pulled out of drive-thru, parked my car and entered McDonalds. I patiently waited at the front counter. After 2 minutes the manager addressed me, saying they would not serve the food or provide a refund and to talk to the police outside.

Cyber Bullying: Oh Sweet Jesus, Not Again!

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:00:49 +0000

Ugly white middle-aged mom’s with basic knowledge of the internet never learn…

A St. Peters woman sought to humiliate a St. Charles County teenager by posting the girl’s picture and cell phone number in a sexually suggestive online forum on Craigslist, prosecutors said Monday.

Elizabeth A. Thrasher, 40, is accused of posting the listing after an online confrontation with the 17-year-old daughter of a woman Thrasher’s ex-husband was dating.

Shane Anthony reporting for the Post Dispatch’s on first case siting the “Megan Meier” law, which as you might remember because it was F-ing everywhere, came from the last ugly, white, middle-aged mom with a basic understanding of the internet that made a fake account to mess with a already depressed high school girl who then committed suicide when the fake boy turned on her.

Woman Dies After Eating at Eat-Rite Diner, But Not in the Way You Think

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 12:00:17 +0000

You go in and site down on at the disgusting Eat-Rite counter in Downtown St. Louis and you amazingly survive the food, only to have someone shoot you when you leave.

Police say the woman, 30, got into an argument with a man inside The Eat-Rite Diner at Chouteau Avenue and 7th Street around 5:30 a.m. Sunday. Police say the man left, but returned a short time later with a gun and shot the woman as she stood outside the restaurant.

McDonalds is Not to be Messed With

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:00:55 +0000

File this under weird. We were recently sent a link to an experience with one local guy and a local McDonalds. [Editor’s Note: Thanks to our tipster! You know who you are…]

I would try to explain this, but its best I don’t. I’ll let the email he sent to McDonalds do the explaining:

I went through drive-thru and ordered one double-quarter pounder meal. When I got to the drive thru window I was asked to move forward. Having problems with McDonald’s in the past taking a long time to make food if I pulled forward I told them no, I did not want to move forward, I will wait here for my hamburger and fries. They continued to knock on my window for about a minute until a manager, Marie, walked out of the McDonald’s, approached the car and knocked on my window. I told her I would like to just wait for my food here and to please go make it so I could leave. She knocked several more times before she went inside. Another McDonald’s employee came outside and directed cars in drive-thru to leave McDonald’s and exit the parking lot. After waiting several minutes I rolled down my window and asked if the food was done. My reply was the middle finger from one of the employees and comments of “he must be crazy”. They then locked the drive-thru window. After waiting ten minutes I knocked on the drive-thru window and asked for the food or money back. No response. I pulled out of drive-thru, parked my car and entered McDonalds. I patiently waited at the front counter. After 2 minutes the manager addressed me, saying they would not serve the food or provide a refund and to talk to the police outside. I went outside and spoke with the police and told them what I have written here. The manager came out too. The police told the manager to go get my food. The manager did so and the police said I could leave.

Come Claim Your Gatorade From the O’Fallon Police Department

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 12:00:11 +0000

Apparently there was quite a string of thefts in O’Fallon, MO involving some punk kids going through cars. Never fear though, the O’Fallon Police Department have solved the case after a COPS-worthy foot chase!

On 07/22/09, at approximately 3:06 AM the O’Fallon Police Department received a call from the Patriots Landing subdivision in reference to two juveniles going through a vehicle. Officers responded and a rolling perimeter was established. Sgt. Jeff Lange located the subjects and engaged them in a foot chase, taking a juvenile into custody.

Fenton’s Citizens on Patrol

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 17:00:15 +0000

Do you ever wish your local government would look each other in the eye at a meeting and decide to put the plot of a lame 80’s movie sequel in to motion? Well its your lucky day Fenton, because your town just emulated Police Academy 4!

From the press release:

The St. Louis County Police Department, West Count Precinct and City of Fenton Precinct will co-host a Citizen Police Academy at the Rockwood Band Meeting Room 1037 Majestic Drive, Fenton, Missouri 63026. The classes will be held on eight consecutive Thursdays, beginning on September 17, 2009, from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM, with graduation on November 5, 2009.

St. Louis County People Kill Each Other Less Than Last Year

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:00:54 +0000

Through 2009 so far, the amount of all violent crimes have gone down 20% in St. Louis County according to this STLToday article. No word yet if there was also 20% less beer purchased as well.

Areas patrolled by St. Louis County police are experiencing a dramatic drop in crime compared to a year ago, with all major categories down significantly through the first half of 2009, officials said.

County police report that murder, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary, larceny, car theft and arsons all are down compared to the same period of 2008.

St. Charles County Ambulance Board Members Know How to Party

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:00:26 +0000

Dan McLaughlin (right) is quite the St. Charles County Ambulance Board Member.

For one, he shares the name of the Cardinals TV broadcaster.

For two, he looks like Jack Nicholson’s love child with Eddie Munster.

For three, this one time he got drunk and drove around in his car.

For four, this other time he got drunk and drove around in his car.

For five, this other other time, he got drunk and drove around in his car.

Wait You Can’t Pay For Your Lemonade With Penis?

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:00:19 +0000

My man on the right there is about as sick as he is stupid.

You see ole Rodney Swank was driving his truck down the road in his home town of O’Fallon MO on Octobor 4th of last year, when he saw a lemonade stand being run by 8 or 9, I’m assuming adorable, little girls. Swank then decided it would be a good idea to pull over and expose himself to the young entrepreneurs. Shockingly the girls ran away.

Crazy Looking White Guy Does Crazy Stuff on the Phone

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:00:36 +0000

An Ohio man, Charles Papenfus, got a little pissed off at a St. Louis based telemarketer and he got arrested for it.

I know what you are thinking, “We’ve all been there! Sure the guy probably got pretty angry, but damn I hate those telemarketers! Rabble!” …well I’d hold off before jumping on Milton’s side here: (emphasis mine)

According to court documents, Charles W. Papenfus, 43, allegedly told a sales representative during a May 18 telephone call that he would burn down the building and kill the employees and their families.

Update on the KFNS Producer Arrested on Rape Charges

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:00:39 +0000

Back when Punching Kitty first launched in January, one of our top stories, and one that is still right up there on the top traffic-getting list, was about Ryan Huff, at the time a producer for local sport-talk KFNS being held on rape charges.

Because this story has gotten so much traffic, and since no other news outlet seems to be keeping track, we thought it was a good time for an update to the story.

Another Moron Crashes in to Someone’s House

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:00:10 +0000

Is it just us that seems like way too many accidents happen where someone drives in to the side of someone’s freaking house?

Its one thing to take out a mailbox or whatever, but it seems like at least once or twice a year some retard drives in to someone’s freaking house…right in the the freaking side of it…like what happened yesterday as reported (kinda, I mean there was nothing really about it on the page at the time of this writing) by KSDK.

Breaking: KFNS Producer Arrested on Rape Charges

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 04:03:44 +0000

This post has an update, see below!

Ryan Huff, a Production Director and Producer for all sports-talk station KFNS (590 AM) was arrested in Arnold and charges were filed that included raping underage girls.

Apparently Huff met the girls on “an internet chatroom,” which could mean anything since I’m guessing the reporter on the KMOV video I watched doesn’t know the difference between this very site and and actual “internet chatroom.” After the meeting online, the two went to the movies, on a “date,” and then back to a house where they were joined by another 13 year old girl. Shortly after her arrival they started partaking in sexual activity. Huff’s alleged Playskool Orgy was noticed only after photos were taken and the girls where showing them around school!