Doing it Right: Guy Too Drunk to Know He’s Been Stabbed

Being too drunk is usually a problem but sometimes, particularly in St. Louis, it’s a great thing. For example, it’s the only way to get really excited about going to City Diner. It makes you completely unaware of stabbings, and not in just the Dateline Mystery “No, I don’t remember stabbing my wife…” kind of way. Police are investigating the possible stabbing of a middle-aged man after his sister noticed several lacerations on his body Saturday night. [Read More]

St. Louis Thieves and Michael Strahan Love Subway

A south St. Louis Subway (Which one? It doesn’t matter. It’s like saying “A St. Charles County Quiktrip.” the statement is so broad its meaningless.) was robbed for a second time over the span of five days: Once on Janurary 7th and then again this morning at 2:30am. The only benefit we can think of for robbing a Subway would be not having to worry about carrying away too much cash, or any bills over $5, and the fact that you could stuff your pockets with their over-priced avocado on the way out the door. [Read More]

Horrible Face-Shooting Thieving D*ckhead Brought to Justice

Vincent Newman has been apprehended and charged with at least one of the recent string of violent robberies in South City, and more charges are expected. Just listen to what this dickhead did: A 27-year-old woman was shot at 5:55 a.m. Wednesday as she walked to her car in the 1600 block of South Spring Avenue. The man took her purse and shot her in the face, police said. [Read More]

Guy Shoots Himself in the Leg During Traffic Stop

St. Louis’ finest attempted to pull over a car for a routine traffic stop last night just south of downtown. The car pulled over, then took off and police gave chase. Shortly after they heard gunfire and a stand-off started. Little did the cops know he wasn’t shooting at them, he’s just a retard and shot himself. After a standoff that lasted about ten minutes, police took the driver out of the vehicle and discovered he had shot himself in the upper leg, either accidentally or on purpose. [Read More]

So Many Prostitutes!

A city ordinance gets shot down for 1st Amendment conflicts and now we have prostitutes running all over South St. Louis! Damn you currently office-holding politicians and especially the President! “Street demonstrating was definitely a tool that we used against the prostitutes, because obviously if they’re on a sidewalk or in the street waving down potential johns, they’re inhibiting traffic,” said St. Louis Police Captain Dan Howard. But police lost that tool when the courts ruled that the “demonstrating” ordinance infringed on free speech. [Read More]

You Should Always Carry Weed, It Might Save Your Life

A woman was sitting at a South City bus stop when two men asked her if she had any marijuana. She didn’t. Big mistake. Police say the woman told the two men she did not have any marijuana and they walked away. Ten minutes later, the suspects allegedly came back and tried to rob the victim. During the robbery, police say the woman was shot once in the upper arm. [Read More]

South City Couple Sexually Assaulted Their Dog

Dana Kintz and Shawn Ingram have been charged with “unlawful sex with an animal” (which makes us wonder what the “lawful” kind is…accidental peanut butter oral would be our guess) after Kintz called the cops because Ingram slapped her around a bit. Not long after police arrested the couple because of photos found on Ingram’s cell phone of Kintz sexually assaulting a dog. To be fair, the dude’s face does kinda look like a dog’s ass so maybe she was just confused, but still you’d like to think someone could figure out their mistake pretty quickly. [Read More]

Please Stop Rapping About St. Louis

Our apologies to Corle 2 Da. His “So St. Louis” video is no longer the “Worst Music Video Ever”, this big sensory turd known as “South City” by the Deuce is now the worst thing we’ve ever seen. Interesting side note: Deuce also holds the title of lamest, most generic artist name…unless they mean “Deuce” like “We’re going to take a deuce in your ear with our horrible rapping.” If that’s the case, it quickly becomes the most clever. [Read More]

City Officials Foil Earth’s Plot to Swallow St. Louis

KMOV is reporting that a sink hole forming in South City has been fixed, thus foiling the earth’s desire to suck the city of St. Louis back in to the earth so it can grow a bunch of flowers there instead…and maybe put up a Jamba Juice. Residents in the 5200 block of Parker and Fairview say it had been blocking their alley since February. A St. Louis City Streets Department official says the broken sewer pipe underground should be fixed tomorrow. [Read More]

Beware of Venom on Shenandoah and Jefferson

This Venom-like creature was spotted at Shenandoah and Jefferson across the street from Kakao Chocolate. He’s really scary looking, but luckily he has an oddly thin and short body, so he was pinned to the light pole with those metal loops.

Scary to think what he could do if ever released.

[Editor’s Note: Anyone know any backstory on this guy? tips@punchingkitty.com]

via tips@punchingkitty.com