PUNCHING KITTY

The Cardinals are looking for anyone that can make them suck less on a regular basis, but it’s said they are not looking for help at second base. The reason? Kolten Wong (he’s the shirtless guy above).

Here’s the Cardinals prospect doing a video for someone about living in Springfield, MO (where the Cardinals AA team is located), his family back home in Hawaii, and something about his tattoos which was clearly a question designed to get him to take off his shirt. Same thing happens to us from time to time. We’ll just be walking by a elementary school when the lady teachers start yelling “Hey! Take that shirt off right now!”, and we’ll be like “Ok ladies…no problem. We’re walkin’ slow so you have plenty of time to take a peek.” We knew making this tshirt with an iron-on photo of us washing our balls while staring right in to your soul would be cause a stir, we just didn’t realize how much the ladies would dig it!

A Wright City, Missouri man got himself in to some trouble over the weekend after he appeared to booby trap his truck with fake dynamite and a grenade. We’re not sure his Ford Ranger was in that much danger of being stolen to begin with, but as the backwoods guy saying goes: “Better crazy than sorry! …and don’t wipe with pinecones…and try not to ever comb your beard…also we’re against deodorant for some reason.” It’s a long saying.

We interrupt your Monday to bring you Fredbird doing motorcycle stunts at Big St Charles Motorsports over the weekend, because…well…it’s weird. It would have been weird and awesome, but someone took two tries to complete the post-stunt high five.

This is the kind of crazy stuff we get in the Punching Kitty inbox.

A woman was sitting at a South City bus stop when two men asked her if she had any marijuana. She didn’t. Big mistake.

Police say the woman told the two men she did not have any marijuana and they walked away. Ten minutes later, the suspects allegedly came back and tried to rob the victim.

During the robbery, police say the woman was shot once in the upper arm.

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Your parents always told you to never give up  on chasing your dreams, and while that’s a nice thought, applying that has a blanket statement to all dreams isn’t a great idea. Take Pedro Chavez of O’Fallon, MO (right). His dream was to molest a 13 year old girl, and sadly, he didn’t stop chasing it until the police arrived.

A man from O’Fallon, Mo., faces felony charges after police said he attempted to molest a thirteen-year-old girl, left her apartment, and then reentered the apartment and tried to molest her again.

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The Belleville police department’s switch board was lighting up yesterday, all from one woman who just really needed her beer back. Emergencies are subjective!

Police say 36-year-old Shannon White dialed 911 several times on Saturday around 8:30 p.m. to complain her boyfriend would not allow her to drink more beer.

“Tonight he took away my beer and I want to drink some beer, and he took away my beer,” White said on one of the calls.

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That fairly new apartment complex in midtown off of Lindell by Vandeventer were set ablaze last night…again. The same area burnt to the ground a few years back during the construction of the buildings that burnt tonight. This though, the neighboring Arby’s appears to have been saved.

KMOX’s Michael Calhoun (@michaelcalhoun) spent his night taking photos and being at the center of what the local Twitter hivemind called “#FireinMidtown” (Eh. It’s a little derivative, but not bad as far as names of stuff goes). Here’s a few of his shots:

We now know all kinds of stuff about St. Louis’ own Julian Venegas. We know this stuff because Anton DiSclafani, a St. Louis writer, found Julian’s wallet one day and became obsessed with returning it to him…and then later retold the tale on the NPR radio show This American Life.

ACT TWO. OBJECTS MAY BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

Anton DiSclafani tells the story of her desperate search to find a stranger who left something on her porch. Anton’s book The Yonahlossee Riding Camp for Girls comes out next summer. (8 1/2 minutes)

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Today’s “How to Live in St. Louis” tip: When you’re going to hang out at a local casino, don’t talk to anyone. They will eventually rob you.

Today’s other “How to Live in St. Louis” tip: Install hidden cameras.

…ok, one more “How to Live in St. Louis” tip: Living in West County won’t save you.

A couple’s Brentwood home was invaded by four men they met the night before at the Lumiere Place casino, but the plan failed and they were arrested while their hiding spot from police, and subsequent take down was recorded by a small semi-hidden camera used to animal tracking. …also we’re talking about four black dudes in wife beaters, running up to a house in “White Guy in Sweater Vest Town” while leaving their still idling car in the street, so it’s not like their plan was exactly stealth to begin with.

Food Network star and host of the always on “Diners Drive-ins and Dives” Guy Fieri spent at least part of his weekend at Lake of the Ozarks. We know this because of this tweet bragging about his lake activities:

That seems a tad unsafe, but we couldn’t find a posted day time speed limit or a limit on how stupid your boat is allowed to look, so there you go. However, we highly doubt that Mr. Fieri had his Missouri boating safety card on him…