Update from 11:30am below.

A 21 year-old O’Fallon man has been arrested after doing the following:

1. Beating a 29-year old woman with a “medieval weapon”

2. Being naked in public.

3. Living in a trailer park.*

4. Trying to reach for an officer’s gun.

5. Actually stealing the officer’s stun gun.

6. Hitting the officer with the stun gun.

7. Most likely grazing someone with his junk while all this naked movement was happening.

8. Bitting the officer in the face.

If you’ve ever made the poor choice to get a massage at a place in St. Charles owned by a guy that looks like the standard Law and Order rapist, then congrats on being a movie star! …well not all of you. Some of you ladies are unattractive enough that he probably threw away the tape after you left, or maybe didn’t even bother to turn the secret camera on. Lucky you! You always said that someday you’d lose 50 lbs and get that goiter removed, but you hesitated. Maybe because you knew somehow…or maybe you just love all food within an arm’s reach. Regardless you’re safe, sorry hot chicks.

We were telling someone, just a couple of days ago, that “The Loop” was a great area of St. Louis and doesn’t have the issues the rest of the city seems to be unable to fix. “Stick to Delmar between The Pageant and Cicero’s and you’ll be fine.”

St. Louis you’ve made a liar out of us.

KMOX’s Michael Calhoun went on Twitter Saturday night and on the KMOX website (which inexplicably named: stlouis.cbslocal.com) to tell the story of hearing gun shots ring out just across the street from where he was reporting on the recently broken up fight.

St. Louis’ rapid acceleration towards becoming the real life version of The Simpson’s Springfield took another step forward yesterday when a warrant was issued for Bryon Aston (white) and Landon Thomas (right). The charge? Stealing grease. Yes, it would appear that people actually do that.

Police say an officer working at John D. McGurk’s Pub saw a grease truck near the business and two men illegally removing the grease. The officer was able to curb the vehicle and take pair into custody during the early morning hours Saturday.

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You know that park you drive by all the time but never know stop at and always wonder what that big thing is? Well that’s Reservoir Park (at 44 and Grand) and 50 years from now it will be remembered like a hipster Gettysburg as a battle site of the 2012 “Class War”.

The graffiti, which includes phrases like “CLASS WAR,”  and “COPS, PIGS, MURDERERS,” was sprayed on buildings, walls and statues at the park on Grand Boulevard just south of Interstate 44.

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A Craigslist ad appeared last week putting a 1 Million dollar bounty out for every Maplewood cop’s head, and 2 Million for the head of a specific detective. It read “Wanted dead, all the maplewood city police officers, paying one million per head. two million for detective [redacted]”

The ad, which was obviously an empty threat as they gave no address for head sending, was quickly removed and the Maplewood police are working with Craigslist to track down the poster.

Warrenton’s Peeping Tom has been been brought to justice after several complains over the span of years, 25 year-old Jaybirth Harris was caught peeping on a hidden surveillance camera.

25-year-old Jaybirth Harris of Marthasville is jailed on charges of 1st & 2nd degree burglary, stealing and invasion of privacy.

He reportedly entered some homes, while others he just looked through the windows.

This is one sick dude, but how sick? Well beyond the security camera footage, they also have the following evidence:

The St. Charles County Drug Task Force has been working diligently to find and stop meth production in St. Charles and they recently announced the results of their six-month investigation: They found 3 meth labs. Anyone that lives west of a bridge drives past 4 meth labs on their way to work each morning, but that’s great St. Charles. Three’s better than none…or one…or two. That’s it though. Those are the only three things it’s better than. …ok, watching “Today in St. Louis” is pretty rough. We’ll say that’s the fourth thing, but that’s all!

Yeah it’s totally fake, but we’d like to think he wrote that up and just had his mouse hovering over the “Tweet” button for like 20 minutes before deciding “Nah, not worth it.”

29 year old Alfred Pierce has been charged with grabbing a Barnes-Jewish Hospital employee and choking her on the February 19th. On February 20th, Pierce was charged with doing the same exact thing, but on a different female employee of Barnes-Jewish. The third woman that works in that department probably took the 21st off.

A 29-year-old man is charged with two counts of third degree assault after choking two workers on consecutive days at Barnes Jewish.

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