Fulton Tornado Alarm Snoozed For One Full Day

 Posted on May 30, 2011  |  The Editor

In a tornado season where more old junk has been blown than at a Red 7’s Swingers Night, the Fulton emergency weather alarm decided that it didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Wednesday with a warning siren, so it held off until Thursday. There were no storms Thursday mind you, so in essence it was a “If you’re hearing this, you survived!” alarm. We don’t have any hard numbers, but it seems more celebratory, while somewhat less effective. [Read More]
alarm  fulton  morons  siren  weather 

Whoops: St. Charles Releases Wrong Guy From Jail

 Posted on May 26, 2011  |  The Editor

Maybe the St. Charles County Jail should invest in name tags, or maybe just a new policy instructing the staff to ask someone’s name before they release them from jail. Pretty clear that current the “Which one of you are supposed to be released?!” method has some flaws. Matthew C. Gierer, 26, of the 4200 block of Spring Branch Drive in St. Charles County was accidentally released Tuesday and was free for nearly eight hours before he turned himself in about 7:15 p. [Read More]
jail  morons  st charles 

Off-Duty Cop Shoots Himself at Imo’s

 Posted on May 24, 2011  |  The Editor

We haven’t had Imo’s Pizza in a while, and it sounds pretty good…not sure if it sounds “leg shootin’ good”, but good. The unidentified officer had been working in uniform as a security guard at the Schnucks, 3431 Union Boulevard. The St. Louis Police Department had approved him for that second job. At about 5:20 p.m. Sunday, he went to an Imo’s pizza restaurant at 3441 Union Boulevard. He adjusted his weapon and the gun accidentally discharged, police say. [Read More]
imos  morons  police  shooting 

It’s Raining Homeless Children in St. Louis

 Posted on May 16, 2011  |  The Editor

A 3-year-old boy bouncing on a fourth-floor bed of a homeless bounced himself right out the window, landing on second floor deck roof and somehow escaped serious harm. Turns out all our mothers were right, you should totally not bounce on the bed. We hate when she’s right! We’re suddenly very aware of the amount of hairs growing on our palms. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports the boy was bouncing on a bed Wednesday night at the Gateway 180 shelter when he fell through an open window. [Read More]
homeless  injury  kids  morons  shelter 

Illinois Drunk Drivers Deliver Themselves to the Police Department

 Posted on May 10, 2011  |  The Editor

So you’re a regular run of the mill Illinois woman who looks like a high school boy and gets in a fight with your (taking a shot in the dark here) lesbian partner and you decide that the only people that can settle this dispute are the proper authorities, right? So you and your girl hop in the car and head to the Illinois State Police headquarters, problem solved! …Oh wait…you haven’t been drinking have you? [Read More]
drunk driving  illinois  morons 

Worse Than Us: Detroit Can’t Read

 Posted on May 9, 2011  |  The Editor

Quick! What’s the word floccinaucinihilipilification mean? …no clue? Don’t feel bad average St. Louisan! The guy reading over your shoulder in the Tigers hat is probably still working on the word “Q-u-i-c-k” According to a new report, 47 percent of Detroiters are ”functionally illiterate.” The alarming new statistics were released by the Detroit Regional Workforce Fund on Wednesday. “Not able to fill out basic forms, for getting a job — those types of basic everyday (things). [Read More]
detroit  education  morons  reading 

Score One For Dierbergs: Man Runs Over People in Schnucks Parking Lot

 Posted on April 26, 2011  |  The Editor

A 61-year old man hopped in his car in the parking lot of a Creve Coeur Schnucks and attempted to run over people Saturday morning. In summary, on Josef Achtentuch went bat shit crazy at a Schnucks. Probably to teach the local grocer a much needed lesson about keeping your salad bar up with the competition. Dierbergs’ salad bars are much better. We mean like, way better. Like three different kinds of croutons better. [Read More]
assault  bricks  morons  schnucks 

Two of the Worst People Ever Escape From St. Louis Jail

 Posted on April 25, 2011  |  The Editor

In a story so weird, only a giant, airport stomping storm could blow it off the front page, two prisoners escaped from the St. Louis Justice Center. A jail so high-tech that it’s only venerability are movie escape plots. Inmates Vernon Lamont Collins, 34, and David White, 33, apparently broke out a front window and scaled down the front of the building at 200 S. Tucker Boulevard using black bedsheets tied together with rope. [Read More]
escape  jail  morons 

State Auditor: University City is Run By Morons

 Posted on April 8, 2011  |  The Editor

According to the Missouri State Auditor, University City is run by a bunch of raving idiots that probably can’t even wipe their asses correctly, but he can’t verify that since it’s technically outside of the State Auditor’s prescribed duties. Missouri State Auditor Tom Schweich released an audit Thursday highly critical of how University City operates and spends tax payer dollars. …the city has 3,373 delinquent trash accounts costing the city $1. [Read More]
budget  government  morons  university city 

Southeast Missouri Sheriff Deputy Shoots “Dangerous” Chihuahua

 Posted on April 4, 2011  |  The Editor

A Southeast Missouri sheriff’s deputy was responding to a domestic dispute call when after making an arrest she was confronted by a snarling dog. One of the dogs lunged to bite a deputy Kelly Barks, and she responded by firing a shot at the dog. Walking back outside Barks found the dog didn’t actually bite her, but as still “acting aggressively” so the dog was shot by Barks a second time. [Read More]
Bollinger County  Chihuahua  kelly barks  morons