Missouri Governor Jay Nixon Wants Your Stupid Kid to Be Smarter

Governor Jay Nixon knows that his state’s schools are lagging behind the rest of the country, which has an effect on the state’s economy as the stupid kids don’t tend to move as much, so he’s got a plan to fix it. It’s been budgeted, the schools are on board and it’s genius. Are you ready? Here it is: Missouri schools will now be required to extend their school year by six days! [Read More]

Mizzou Study: Fat Kids Can’t Do Math

According to a study done by University of Missouri, the fatter your kid is, the crappier they are at math. 2 + 2 = “Do we have chips still?” “The findings illustrate the complex relationships among children’s weight, social and emotional well-being, academics and time,” said Sara Gable, associate professor in the MU Department of Nutrition and Exercise Physiology, who led the study. The study followed over six thousand kids from kindergarten to fifth grade, getting info from their families, school, physicals and tests along the way. [Read More]

Policeman Fake Arrests Kid During Career Day

During Washington Montessori School’s career day a police officer decided it would be fun to arrest a six-year old because when he asked him his name he gave the officer a “fake name”. In a effort to make a point about lying to the police, the officer cuffed the child and put him in the back of his squad car. Guess what happened…no don’t bother, the kid cried. Probably because he was nervous, but maybe because he had weed in his pocket, but either way he cried, and now his mom is pissed! [Read More]

Missouri Wants Permission to Leave a Few Children Behind

“No Child Left Behind” is a federal mandate stipulating that all students must be able to perform basic math and reading skills and prepare all kids for college or to join the work force…but not in Missouri, because dem roolz r too dang imp0sable! The Education Department is seeking a waiver which is allowed but first they want to know what you think. Education officials will gather public input starting now until January 5 and then will present their plan to the State Board of Education on January 17th. [Read More]

St. Louis Kids Love New Game: Choking Themselves

This is what happens when you grow up in a violent place. First you’re scared to even take the trash out after dark, but then you start to wonder “How come no one has tried to stab me lately? Aren’t I cute? Don’t I look white and rich enough?” Eventually that builds and builds and you decide, “If no one’s going to do it, maybe I’ll just choke myself. That’ll show em! [Read More]

It’s Raining Homeless Children in St. Louis

A 3-year-old boy bouncing on a fourth-floor bed of a homeless bounced himself right out the window, landing on second floor deck roof and somehow escaped serious harm. Turns out all our mothers were right, you should totally not bounce on the bed. We hate when she’s right! We’re suddenly very aware of the amount of hairs growing on our palms. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports the boy was bouncing on a bed Wednesday night at the Gateway 180 shelter when he fell through an open window. [Read More]

Beatle Bob Thinks Kids Will Listen to Him

St. Louis’ Beatle Bob, the uber fan of all shows (and fan of this very site) who has been to a show every night since Jesus was like 26 or something has a new project that doesn’t involve kicking people in the shins with his flailing dance moves. Bob is included on a children’s album about eating healthy. “Healthy Food for Thought: Good Enough to Eat,” which is apparently not at all a joke, is a double-CD with songs about nutrition and exercise. [Read More]

St. Louis Kid #1 Ranked Pokemon Player in the World

How’s work going? Boring? Someone yell at you today about nothing? How’s your microwaved lunch taste? Not great I bet. Look out the window…oh. No window? That’s ok, its still just Missouri out there. Let us drop this on you now: Some kid from St. Charles gets to go spend the weekend in Hawaii for the Pokemon Championship. Swish that around you head for a second. William “Dema” Boatman, 10, is ranked No. [Read More]

Remember to Wash Your 7-Year-Olds Only on the Delicate Cycle

A Joplin, MO girl was tossing around a washing machine for 12 full minutes before her mother and the laundromat staff could get her out. Authorities said Chloe Crow and her sister tried to use a washing machine at a laundromat, but after putting their money in, the machine didn’t work. Chloe climbed inside the machine, thinking it was broken. …yup, that’s the move. Please remember to tell this girl that this is an appropriate way to check if things are working. [Read More]

The Dirty Uncovers One of St. Louis’ Finest Parents

From The Dirty: THE DIRTY ARMY: My little sister pulled this up for me today, she was at this Halloween party. The fat, orange slob in the middle is Mary L*nk, proud mother of 5 but it has been said she lets her daughter’s homeless felon friends live with her as well. The more shocking part of this picture is her seven year old son in the bottom right corner. [Read More]