Missouri Governor Jay Nixon Wants Your Stupid Kid to Be Smarter

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon Wants Your Stupid Kid to Be Smarter

Governor Jay Nixon knows that his state’s schools are lagging behind the rest of the country, which has an effect on the state’s economy as the stupid kids don’t tend to move as much, so he’s got a plan to fix it. It’s been budgeted, the schools are on board and it’s genius. Are you ready? Here it is: Missouri schools will now be required to extend their school year by six days!


“To stay competitive in today’s economy, Missouri’s students should be in the classroom as much as their peers in other states,” said Nixon, a Democrat. “Extending Missouri’s school year by just six instructional days will bring our state in line with the national average while increasing educational opportunities for every student.”

Hell yeah! Lets just extend the school year by six days because those last six days are when all the big topics get handled, and lets just do six days rather than, you know, more than that because we just want to reach for the average stars. Take note kids!

“There is a lot of merit to the idea of extending the school year and providing students with increased instructional time,” spokesman Brent Ghan said.

…or increased time to be stabbed by the high school’s 26-year old drug dealer, whatever. Same difference. Sure lots of schools, including St. Louis city’s own, are pretty much worthless, but we’re sure they’ll turn it all around during these extra six days. Johnny Dumbass has spent most of the year etching this bitchin’ skull in to the top of his 5th period desk, but June 1st – June 5th will surely be spent cracking the intricate physics involved in time travel.

Mike Wood, a lobbyist for the Missouri State Teachers Association, said increasing the number of hours instead of the number of days might be more significant. He said the schedules used by high-performing districts could serve as a guide.

Shut it, nerd! No one asked how to actually make the kids smarter, we just wanted to know what the average school year length is so we can fit in and sit with the other states at the cool lunch table, eat nothing but soda and candy bars while talking shit on Montana for being the smelly state that always wears too much denim.

via KMOX