Mizzou Study: Fat Kids Can’t Do Math

According to a study done by University of Missouri, the fatter your kid is, the crappier they are at math. 2 + 2 = “Do we have chips still?” “The findings illustrate the complex relationships among children’s weight, social and emotional well-being, academics and time,” said Sara Gable, associate professor in the MU Department of Nutrition and Exercise Physiology, who led the study. The study followed over six thousand kids from kindergarten to fifth grade, getting info from their families, school, physicals and tests along the way. [Read More]

Missouri Might Allow Advertisements on School Buses

The Missouri State Senate is mulling a bill that if passed, would allow various state school districts to sell advertisement space on school busses, because “Well we see it on NASCAR races!” is a great reason to do all kinds of stuff and has never lead to any safety concerns or issues what so ever. Rep. Mike Kelley, R-Lamar, said many districts need the money after several years of tight budgets. [Read More]

Missouri Wants Permission to Leave a Few Children Behind

“No Child Left Behind” is a federal mandate stipulating that all students must be able to perform basic math and reading skills and prepare all kids for college or to join the work force…but not in Missouri, because dem roolz r too dang imp0sable! The Education Department is seeking a waiver which is allowed but first they want to know what you think. Education officials will gather public input starting now until January 5 and then will present their plan to the State Board of Education on January 17th. [Read More]

Webster Counseling Student Sues After Being Dropped for Lack of Empathy

In our extensive experience we know that two things are required to make a good counselor: a sweater vest and empathy. Guess which one you can’t buy? A former Webster University student who was studying to be a family counselor says in a lawsuit that he was dismissed from a master’s degree program after it was determined that he lacked empathy. The suit, which claims up to $1 million in losses and seeks at least $2 million in punitive damages, alleges the school dismissed him quickly rather than help him improve his empathy to complete the field work required for graduating. [Read More]

Worse Than Us: Detroit Can’t Read

Quick! What’s the word floccinaucinihilipilification mean? …no clue? Don’t feel bad average St. Louisan! The guy reading over your shoulder in the Tigers hat is probably still working on the word “Q-u-i-c-k” According to a new report, 47 percent of Detroiters are ”functionally illiterate.” The alarming new statistics were released by the Detroit Regional Workforce Fund on Wednesday. “Not able to fill out basic forms, for getting a job — those types of basic everyday (things). [Read More]

St. Louis to Start Charging for Trash Collection

The free ride might be over for St. Louis city residents who have been living the good life with “free” trash pick up. On Wednesday, city leaders released a proposed budget that includes a provision for homeowners to pay $8 a month for trash services. The city said the move would raise $10 million in the next budget. City leaders claim that many county residents currently pay for trash service. [Read More]

Missouri Gets 54 Million Dollars for Winning Crappiest Schools Contest

We won! The Federal government took one look at our schools and kids and said, “Holy crap. Give them some money. Its like those Sally Struthers commercials but the kids have less flies on their faces.” U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced Monday that Missouri will receive $54 million in federal funding to turn around its lowest-achieving schools, particularly 50 struggling schools in St. Louis and Kansas City. [Read More]

Illinois Wants Four Day School Weeks, Apparently Hates Parents

The Illinois Senate is currently mulling over a move that would make all Illinois State public schools to go from the standard five-day school week to the severely retarded idea of a four-day school week. The Illinois senate is considering a measure that would change the current five-day school week into a four-day week for public school students. The proposal has already received approval in the Illinois House. Over the past few years, similar legislation has been presented by Missouri lawmakers but all have been rejected. [Read More]

Local Kid Gets Perfect Score on ACT

And the kid went to a city school! Nah, I’m just kidding. “I thought I did well, but I didn’t think I could do that,” Lafayette High School Senior Zach Frazer scored a perfect 36 on his ACT an achievement equaled by only 28 other students. …28 lonely lonely other students. Frazer offered the following advice to students preparing for an upcoming test. “Stay focused, relax and don’t worry while taking the test. [Read More]

Sedalia, Missouri’s School District is Run By Spineless Morons

If you graduated from Sedalia, Missouri’s school district, you are probably a moron. I’m just playing the odds here. Why? Well because apparently this wacky thing called science and specifically evolution isn’t cool enough to even be mentioned on a freaking t-shirt, let alone taught! T-shirts promoting the Smith-Cotton High School band’s fall program have been recalled because of concerns about the shirt’s evolution theme. The light gray shirts feature an image of a monkey progressing through various stages of evolution until eventually becoming a human. [Read More]