A 61-year old man hopped in his car in the parking lot of a Creve Coeur Schnucks and attempted to run over people Saturday morning. In summary, on Josef Achtentuch went bat shit crazy at a Schnucks. Probably to teach the local grocer a much needed lesson about keeping your salad bar up with the competition. Dierbergs’ salad bars are much better. We mean like, way better. Like three different kinds of croutons better.
Police said Josef Achtentuch slammed his car into a grocery store cart being pushed by a 47-year-old woman. The woman sustained an undisclosed arm injury due to the cart being pulled away from her. She refused treatment at the scene of the incident. The suspect then allegedly struck an 80-year-old man with his car and knocked him down.
…oh, our mistake. Maybe Achtentuch just hates one of those people he tried to run over. Which one you ask? Well, lets see which one he gets out of the car and throws bricks at.
Achtentuch got out of his car and started throwing bricks at the elderly man, hoping to hit him in the head, police said. The victim was hit in his stomach, chest and thumb.
Brick throwing is hard, so we won’t blame him for the miss-fires to the stomach, chest and thumb, but apparently he was embarrassed enough he drove off and smashed his car in to a light pole, which allowed the Creve Coeur police to finally apprehend to him.
Where the hell was he finding the bricks? Does Schnucks have bricks lying around their parking lot or did Captain Crazy bring them with him? Why fall back to the bricks? You just hit him with your car, so it seems much more efficient to just finish what you started. It doesn’t matter. The only thing we’re pretty sure of this week is this: Dave Murray’s Weather Boner this week must be insane. It seems like everyone at Fox2 is standing these days to make the news more in your face and “edgey”, but we’re guessing old Dave keeps his lower half hidden, at least for the rest of the spring.
Achtentuch is currently being held under observation at a local hospital and is saying he was driven to attempted murder over “insomnia, job pressure and the death of his wife about five years ago” and told the police that he “he intended to kill people”. The Creve Coeur police intend to drop Achtentuch off just past the St. Louis City limits. The STLPD would protest, but..you know…what’s another crazy homicidal brick throwing car murder?