PUNCHING KITTY

Hey stupid moms, stop going to work and leaving your kids with your boyfriend! It never works out. “It’s no problem!” you think; “I’m sure he’s great with them!” you assume, but just because you feel like you’ve known him forever after he said “No it’s cool if they watch. I don’t mind kids.” after he became the surprise guest to last weekend’s drunken threesome, doesn’t mean he’s not going to do something equally horrible and far less consensual to your kids the minute you’re out of the house.

Lindenwood University’s Belleville campus used to have a statue in anchored near the Welcome Center, but that statue was stolen because it’s St. Louis, and even weird statues anchored in concrete are no longer safe.

Investigators are trying to get to the bottom of an art heist in Belleville.

Not quite sure this counts as an “art heist”. We we think of art heists, we’re assuming an elaborate scheme to steal a Mona Lisa-type piece, and involve at least one hacker, one super hot chick, a smooth leader and one black dude to be the one that has to start a distraction when the shit goes down…not two assholes walking straight to it at 2:30am, pushing it over, throwing it in a ditch and then coming back for it with their truck.

St. Louis’ Spanish Lake area is the subject of a new documentary, and if all the slowly zooming text with thumping soundtrack is the be believed, it’s the scene of a brutal murder of several slutty teenagers by a machette wielding crazy man that escaped from some place that doesn’t really matter…oh and you can’t kill the guy for some reason.

[Phillip] Morton, 32, is now an independent filmmaker based in Los Angeles. The rapid transformation of the north St. Louis County community he calls his hometown, though it has never been incorporated, forms the basis of his documentary, “Spanish Lake.”

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It’s a question that pops in to the heads of many a St. Louis area resident: “Should I should that guy over there?” It’s not always an easy question, so going forward, use this handy flow chart to decide.

The original version had a part where it asked if you were from a drug-addled neighborhood in North City, and if so, proceed directly to “Shoot him!” but we took it out because if people from drug-addled neighborhoods in North City can’t read, so there’s really no point.

Everyone in St. Louis either knows people that are insistent “High School question poppers” or is one themselves. It’s time we start converting people to put a stop to this. To start, feel free to print this out and tape it above every urinal local salesmen use.

[Editor’s Note: Link to full version here.]

Erik McBee is a 15 year-old from Phoenix who was trying fly to see his grandparents in Tulsa, which is such a cute little story, until you find out that this kid slept through the part when he was supposed to get off the damn plane, and ended up in St. Louis. He then proceeded to leave the airport, wander around until some lady drove him to the Florissant Police Station where is was placed back on a flight to Phoenix.

John Cuneo a 66 year-old teaching assistant at Sigel Elementary School was busted for molesting a mentally disabled child…and then probably molesting one more minutes later. …a maybe even accidentally molesting a few more, because to do something as brazen as this buttwipe did, you’re balls would have to be so big that incidental contact while walking the halls seems unavoidable.

Here’s the short version: A fellow school employee walks in a room to find Cuneo taking the boy’s hand and placing on his penis. Obviously outraged, the employee was walking back from just reporting the incident when she saw Cuneo walking yet another disabled kid in to a bathroom stall, causing her to report Cuneo yet again!

The 19-year old pictured above wearing his awesome wig, Darrion Taylor, was recently apprehended at the Alton Shop ‘N Save by the store’s security guard and his off-duty policeman father who was visiting the store that the time.

Taylor was trying to sneak out the following pork products totaling roughly $44 dollars:

• 2 packages of Pork Picnic Roast
• 2 packages of bacon
• 2 packages of Oreos
• 1 box of Peanut Butter Puffs cereal
• 1 package of “meat”
• 1 package of port shanks
• 1 package of Bar-S Jumbo Franks

From the looks of it also appears homeboy was smuggling a few hams in his shirt, but he may have had them already as KSDK didn’t list them in the oddly intricate details they provided for some reason. $44 dollars worth of pork products and being busted by a father and son team is all it takes to “earn” a local news report these days? The KSDK report even had people calling the arrest “heroic”, despite describing the takedown as following the guy in to the parking lot, telling him to stop, and then pulling his chubby ass out of the car he tried to get in to. How hard was it to catch this kid? He’s a fat guy wearing a wig! This didn’t need an act of heroism and a prime-time KSDK report, it needed a box, some bacon, a stick and some twine:

The jovial fellow above is on Gabriel Williams, who has been charged with multiple burglary, robbery, kidnapping and weapons charges after a New Years Eve crime spree that involved kidnapping a Clayton couple and driving them to the nearby Schnucks to they could cash a check for him.

According to police, two suspects approached a man Saturday as he did yard work at his home in the 50 block of Arundel, in Clayton’s Demun neighborhood. The suspects, both armed, demanded money.

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