It’s Friday and we’ve got no energy for a setup. Talk to us Mr. Blockquote!

A couple in Belleville had a little too much summer fun when they decided to swim completely naked in their neighbor’s pool.

The two were reportedly drunk at 11:30 a.m. when officers arrived in the 200 block of North Fourth Street.

Well well! Now we’re talking! A little day time drunken skinny dip? What’s wrong with that officer? Why does the man always have to bring us down? These people are just trying to have a good time! Maybe it’s a little illegal, maybe a kid caught a glipse, but lighten up! What did these probably super attractive people look like anyway?

The Belleville police department’s switch board was lighting up yesterday, all from one woman who just really needed her beer back. Emergencies are subjective!

Police say 36-year-old Shannon White dialed 911 several times on Saturday around 8:30 p.m. to complain her boyfriend would not allow her to drink more beer.

“Tonight he took away my beer and I want to drink some beer, and he took away my beer,” White said on one of the calls.

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Terisha Wallace was arrested yesterday in Collinsville, Illinois after allegedly beating up a 13-year old kid.

On Sunday, June 3, at approximately 8:08 p.m., the Madison County Sheriff’s Department was dispatched to a home in Maryville, Ill. where deputies met with the victim of a battery. The victim was suffering from facial swelling and bruising.

The victim told deputies he was battered by two subjects. The victim identified Wallace and a 16-year-old male juvenile as the subjects who had battered him.

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Hey people over 30! Remember Jem? (Reminder) Well not is she still “truly outrageous” but she’s on meth now and living in Cottage Hills, Illinois.

34 year old Rachael Toner Jem is charged with what officials call an enhanced Class X charge of Aggravated Participation in Meth.  The arrest of Toner took place at a home in Cottage Hills, Illinois.

Jem, who now looks like this…

Update: Via the comments we have learned that KMOV has since edited out the line in question below. You’re welcome journalism.

Original post follows…

Belleville police are working through the details of a bizarre situation when two young guys pulled off the road to a gas station because a car was following them and driving erratically. They feared for their safety and possibly rightly so, as shortly after they pulled over the 38 year old following them, got out of his car, reached in their car to grab them. The kids hit the suspect in defense and the police were called.

A meth lab explosion in Cahokia ended with two men arrested soon after and a third, Gary Morrison, who initially eluded capture, and found the time to update his Facebook profile with a photo of his charred face. A photo that police say will definitely be used against him in his up-coming court case.

“It is one of the few times in my 20-year law enforcement career when we have gathered evidence like this using Facebook,” Detective Joe Beliveau said.

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While the Brooklyn, Illinois fire department were called away to an fire-related emergency, the mayor had the firehouse locks changed. All this, a bunch of douche bags in close up black and white bumpers and Ashton Kutcher’s own prank about banging a bunch of sluts while married to Demi Moore on the next super-f*cked up episode of Punk’d!

The drama started Thursday evening when the chief says a local commissioner called him saying the mayor changed the locks at the department. The chief says by the time he started looking into the matter, there was a call about a vacant house fire just one block from the firehouse.

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You come home late one night and your mother is waiting for you. You’re a little drunk, but you can play it off and control yourself but screw that! You’re 44 years old and the last thing you want to do is to have this discussion about your drinking again with Mom…but you know you can’t avoid it now. The arguing starts and you’ve been down this road so often you might as well have a script, but tonight’s different. You’re not the usual drunk, you’re “stabby drunk” and the fact that this lady squeezed you out of her vag and is only trying to help doesn’t mean you won’t stab her repeatedly to make her stop. Everyone knows the best way to say “I don’t have a problem dammit!” is to stab someone. She might die, and you will probably end up in jail, but come on! She said you have a drinking problem, so what are you going to do? Not stab your mom? No, of course you’ll stab her, and then you’ll go have that last beer in the fridge you’ve had your eye on. Yup, this is going to work out great for everyone!

Early Sunday morning a drunk guy wandered in to someone’s house in Columbia, Illinois, grabbed a bowl of cereal and made himself at home. He didn’t sneak in, just came right in through the front door, right passed the home owner and chilled in their kitchen.

“He walked into the house. The dad met him in the living room. He thought he was a friend of one of his sons at first.”

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Richard Nolan was arrested by the Illinois State Police after they stopped the 66 year old for “improper lane usage” and found eight duffel bags filled with marijuana. All told, Nolan has 118 pounds of the wacky tobacky in the car while driving on I-55/I-70.

Nolan’s picture (right) illustrating his jubliant demeanor means that it was either taken just before they told him that he won’t be taking his luggage full of weed with him, just after he helped himself to that special brownie in his pocket, the mugshot guy has really mastered the “look at the stuffed animal to make people smile” technique, or it’s just true that fat old people really are just jolly all the time.