East St. Louis: Where You Can Get Robbed While at Church

The thugs of East St. Louis have broken the last barrier: They’re robbing you in church now! East St. Louis Police Chief Michael Floore said a call reporting the incident came into the Police Department at 5:12 p.m. about the armed robbery of people at IRA Grove Baptist Church, located at 1701 Belmont. “Church service was going on when three masked gunmen went into the church and robbed the people who were there at gunpoint,” Floore said. [Read More]

East St. Louis Video Taping Food Stamp Fights To Share With the World

Just remember: For every guy in an ironic t-shirt with think black glasses and a waxed mustache telling you how the world is changing for the better with every tweet about your “personal brand”, we’re also getting worse for every stupid ghetto fight over food stamps that gets posted to YouTube. Don’t get us wrong, we love a good YouTube fight, but still…no one’s making the world a better place through social media with this shit. [Read More]

East St. Louis’ Curfew is Already Working

East St. Louis, or as we describe it to out-of-town friends “…I know it sounds like part of this city, but it’s not. Totally different city.”, instituted a new curfew recently and it’s already paying dividends after four kids were arrested violating the curfew while trying to break in to a home. Parks says the officer who caught them was out looking for minors breaking curfew. The curfew was put in place earlier in the week after a wave of violence in the city including the shooting deaths of three young men last weekend. [Read More]

Best School Lunch Ever and All It Took Was a Bunch of Sewage

Kids at an East St. Louis school had the best school lunch ever Wednesday when the school was forced to order 100 pizzas when a sewer line backed up in the cafeteria. Good for them for knowing the difference between the usual school lunch and actual sewage (the difference is a side of fries) East St. Louis Senior High School assistant superintendent Beth Shepperd said someone working in the lunch room noticed raw sewage seeping into the food preparation area about 45 minutes before lunch time. [Read More]

Police Raid East St. Louis Nightclubs, Because Why Not?

Early Sunday morning state police raided three East St. Louis nightclubs to look for crimes and because they wanted to grab a beer so going all at once with bullet-proof vests and guns drawn seemed like the safest way to go. According to search warrants, investigators were looking for illegal drugs, weapons and other evidence of wrongdoing at three East St. Louis clubs: Posh, Club 103 and Club Rolex. [Read More]

SNL Piles on With East St. Louis Jokes

You probably didn’t see this weekend’s Saturday Night Life because you lead a fabulous lifestyle, were sleeping already, or was up but planning the following week’s drive-by shooting. (Yes, there’s planning involved in a drive-by! Who’s gonna drive? What gun should we take? At what angle should we hold the gun? Who are we trying to kill?). If that’s the case, then you missed SNL join the long line of people making fun of East St. [Read More]

The Federal Government Finally Noticed How Hard East St. Louis Sucks

After the recent loss of yet another police chief, this one admitted to stealing XBox’s, the federal and Illinois State government finally realized something: East St. Louis is a big pile of bloody shit. “We are looking at the development of a no-man’s land in certain parts of these communities where there is a complete lack of credible law enforcement,” said St. Clair County State’s Attorney Brendan Kelly, “and the people that live there, their safety is in peril. [Read More]

East St. Louis Police Chief Fires Himself

Count us as extremely surprised when we heard the news that East St. Louis’ Police Chief, Ranadore Foggs, called it quits Saturday. Who the hell would have guessed that East St. Louis had a Police Chief?! Chief Foggs told Mayor Alvin Parks Jr. about his decision Saturday. Foggs said he had philosophical differences with the mayor on how the police department should be run. Foggs said his character and integrity were important to him and making the city safe was his No. [Read More]

Frozen Meat Found to be Ineffective on Overdose Victims

Date: May 2009 Place: Effingham J.J. Ward died from an overdose after purchasing some heroin from one Tavis Doyle earlier in the day at an East St. Louis crack house, or as East St. Louis resident’s call them…”a house”. After making the deal, Ward settled in for a good ole heroin snack, but soon overdosed right there in front of Doyle who quickly sprung in to action to help his fallen customer…by placing frozen meat in his pants. [Read More]

East St. Louis Layoff Policemen, Please Don’t Tell All the Criminals

East St. Louis you’re about to get that much worse. Layoff notices have already gone out in East St. Louis, and 16 police officers could be gone as of January first. The mayor says these layoffs are needed in order to get the city budget under control. Budget issues are totally important, but maybe…maybe the police aren’t where we’d make the cuts seeing as though you’ve got people stealing church vans and smashing them in to ATMs the same day this all was announced. [Read More]