Crime

A former band Director for the Alton school district has been sentenced to six years in the joint for having, what KMOV is calling an “affair” with a 16-year-old student. According to the Madison County State Attorney’s officer, 36-year-old Matthew Lang has to serve 85% of his sentence. He must also register as a sex offender. Police say Lang had sex with the student more than once during school hours. Some of the encounters occurred at the school and others happened at locations away from the school. [Read More]

It had to be something this heavy for Derrick Washington, the stand-out running back, to be mysteriously suspended by Mizzou head coach Gary Pinkel last week. Division I college football coaches generally don’t just “indefinitely suspend” one of their best players for the something like library fines, and sure enough, the rap on Washington is a way worse than library fines…unless you broke in to the library after dark and put your penis in the books without asking, then it would be about the same. [Read More]

A Metrolink security guard was the only injury after being grazed by a bullet early Tuesday at the Shrewsbury Metrolink station. The bullet came from his own gun. This guy either spent lonely night after lonely night noodling the fringes of physics or is so dumb he eats his own poop. When we contacted the National Dumbass Security Guard Union, they only replied with “This is why we usually only give them flashlights. [Read More]

William Fry of Alton has been charged with Criminal Damage to Property Over $300 and violating a restraining order. Also, if anyone has a comb…no? That’s alright. Thanks for looking. Authorities say Fry’s ex-wife reported to police that extensive damage was done to her home. She was away from her home when the damage was done. Authorities said the damage appeared to have been done by a vehicle being driven into the home. [Read More]

If you didn’t like the last 34 stories about how St. Louis ranks high in crime rate, well guess what?! Still true. Maybe you should move. Don’t move to Camden, NJ though. They are the only place worse than us. Which means the worst has happened…freaking Detroit did better than us in this list. Super. Weak. The newly release book “City Crime Rankings 2009-2010” not only has a great catchy little title, but also lots and lots of PDFs with numbers and letters on them, all saying St. [Read More]

Update: Now with 100% more awesome mugshot action! Yeah, he looked really sober. Probably not guilty. He looks like Jack Nicholson’s drunk chubby little brother. You see the key to looking sober is to cross your eyes and give the camera a creepy sly smile. This may be the greatest St. Louis mugshot since Ozzy Osbourne. Original post below… Dan McLaughlin, Cardinals TV broadcaster on Fox Sports Midwest, was pulled over and arrested on suspicion of drunk driving Monday night after refusing to submit to a breathalyzer test. [Read More]

After an audit of Missouri’s sex offenders database, it was found that 7 percent of convicted pervs hadn’t registered despite the legal mandate. Montee released her audit of the sex offender registration program Wednesday. Generally, it found improvement from a review eight years ago. But the audit said Missouri — like most states — has not yet complied with federal sex offender requirements. Missouri’s deadline is July 2011. 7 percent is probably a lot more people than you would think, guess and hope. [Read More]

Who wouldn’t want to wake up to that face in the morning? Apparently this snooty broad from Belleville who got all uptight when she woke up to see a homeless guy (above) standing in her room. According to police, the man was found inside the home in the 100 block of East Monroe last Thursday. The Victim woke up, screamed and the suspect left her room. Officers came and arrested the man without any incident. [Read More]

After pleading guilty yesterday in a St. Charles court to knowingly  exposing someone to HIV, Charles W. Benjamin, has been sentenced to eight years in prison. Benjamin is currently serving another 8 year sentence for the exact same crime in Lincoln County.

Police said Benjamin had unprotected sex with a woman in St. Charles County numerous times between December 2007 and June of 2008 without telling her he was HIV positive. He has known he was HIV positive since March of 1998, police said.

Prosecutors in St. Charles County said the woman has not tested positive for HIV.

There are two questions we have with this story…

1. The maximum sentence for this type of crime is 15 years. Weird as it is that this kind of thing happens enough to warnet an official max sentence, its weirder still that this guy somehow didn’t get the maximum 15 years? Is there a worse way to kill a woman with your wang? Do you have to be convicted a few more times to get the max?! Twice isn’t enough? Does he need to tape syringes to his penis next time if he wants to hit the sentencing tilt?

2. How did we manage to go through high-school strking out with the ladies but Beardo McAids over here is apparently the casanova of more than a few zipcodes? What game could this guy be spitting to continually get ladies in the sack to give them the Aids? Seriously. We’re interested in knowing his game plan. Sure we have no problem getting ladies when its warm enough to take our shirt off and bench press a few homeless guys, but winter is right around the corner and we would value the assistance of a CyrAIDSno de Bergerac.

Eh. Nevermind. We don’t have enough time to practice that “You’ve Got Aids” barbershop song.

(Confused? Click through the jump to see the video.)

via STLToday

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The Coast Guard, which traffics rivers too apparently found a human torso floating in the Mississippi River Sunday just blocks from the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. It is unknown if the torso is that of a man or a woman, or how long it may have been in the water. The body will be sent to the medical examiner for further investigation. Um…the torso wasn’t enough to tell if it was a woman? [Read More]