MetroLink Security: Pay No Attention to the Murders

Another man was gunned down at a MetroLink station last Friday, but lets not focus on that says a MetroLink spokesman, lets focus on all the times people don’t die! Pay no attention to the woefully inadequate security guard, security is fine! Metro officials say they spend millions each year on security, with dispatchers monitoring all 37 platforms all day and night. Quoting how much you spend each year isn’t a good defense to the argument that security sucks…it just proves you wasted a lot of money during the suckage. [Read More]

Guy Runs From Lambert TSAs, Totally Gets Away With It!

So apparently the best way to get through the security at Lambert Airport without getting scanned or allowing the high-school dropout TSA agent to get to third base is to…wait for it…just run. Somewhere Osama Bin Laden is face-palming right now. The countless hours of research that yielded the “shoe bomb” could have been better spent just buying good non-bomb running shoes and just hold the bomb in front of you and take off in to the airport when confronted. [Read More]

Lambert Airport Adds New Art to Take Your Mind off of the Naked Pictures They Just Took of You

Next spring, Lambert Airport will install two art pieces in both the A and C concourses consisting of a series of glass panels. Here’s hoping some pink glass will make you smile after you just refused the invasive naked scanners and were thusly molested by a short sweaty fat guy with an attitude in a uniform two times too small. “The nine art glass screens will make a bold statement and have a very strong visual presence,” McGuire said. [Read More]

Lambert Airport to Get Full Body Scanners

Later today at Lamber Airport, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA or “Those Rude People That Make You Actually Consider Not Showing Up For Your Vacation When You See the Security Line” to the rest of us) will hold a press conference announcing the introduction of “full body” scanners to the Lambert security checkpoints. The controversial scanners are already in 58 airports and are will be showing up in more by the end of the year. [Read More]

Metrolink Security Guard Invents Boomerang Bullet…or is Simply Incompetent

A Metrolink security guard was the only injury after being grazed by a bullet early Tuesday at the Shrewsbury Metrolink station. The bullet came from his own gun. This guy either spent lonely night after lonely night noodling the fringes of physics or is so dumb he eats his own poop. When we contacted the National Dumbass Security Guard Union, they only replied with “This is why we usually only give them flashlights. [Read More]