Lambert Airport to Get Full Body Scanners

Later today at Lamber Airport, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA or “Those Rude People That Make You Actually Consider Not Showing Up For Your Vacation When You See the Security Line” to the rest of us) will hold a press conference announcing the introduction of “full body” scanners to the Lambert security checkpoints. The controversial scanners are already in 58 airports and are will be showing up in more by the end of the year.

The controversy comes from the fact that they can, as the name implies, see your full body. Its great for hot people, but totally gross for fatties. Here’s a screengrab from a scanner:

[Editor’s Note: As noted in the comments, this photo was proven to be an inaccurate portrayal of the scanners. Of course we say that these aren’t the scanners in use in St. Louis and this is really just a funny picture with a fairly hot broad in it that allows us to make a poop joke. The fact that it’s fake means very little, as everything else is correct. ]

No idea how she managed to swallow that gun, but you can see her boobs and sniz pretty clearly (though we blocked them from your virgin eyes). This is a worse case though with older technology that will not be deployed at Lambert. They are choosing to use the more privacy conscious “Backscatter AIT”, proving that we had the totally wrong idea of what “backscatter” meant. It turns out it’s a technology and has nothing to do with paper towels and your date ending with a fight! The more you know!

Here is what the Lamber security folks will see:

That’s definitely less invasive that the first photo, but still, there’s plenty to giggle about here. The fact of the matter is, they can see your junk. Don’t believe us? Ask Rolando Negrin. He’s a screener at the Miami airport who was ridiculed by his fellow employees for his little peanut wiener for over a year after going through the scanner during a training exercise. Rolando finally snapped and attacked a co-worker in the parking garage with a steel baton. Yup, sounds like privacy is really important and you totally shouldn’t worry about the screeners seeing your junk. Sure, you can’t go through them in the United Kingdom if you are under 18 because the scanning images are detailed enough to violate child pornography laws, but what’s to worry about?! Though it should be noted that the TSA has formally recommended a “fluff” before entering the security area.

A 12-month trial at Manchester airport of scanners which reveal naked images of passengers including their genitalia and breast enlargements, only went ahead last month after under-18s were exempted.

Sweet. Well at least we’re safer right? …well…

A German TV show put the scanner to the test and though the scanner found the knife he had on him, it missed the bomb components the subject had on him.

So they aren’t really all that helpful, and they can see your wiener or sniz. You still have one last resort to keep the creepy high school drop out in the TSA uniform that has been staring at you from the moment you wheeled your luggage up dreams from coming true: The scanner is optional. You can always choose to not go through the scanner, which will result in a standard pat down, just like when you go to a concert these days, which seems like the way to go. Unless you’re hot and want to flaunt it I guess, but if that’s really the case, we’re pretty sure that is what MySpace is for.

In a related story, the woman in the first photo died recently after trying to poop out that gun. So unbelievably sad and frankly terrifying.

We had no idea girls pooped until just now.