PUNCHING KITTY

St. Louis’ rapid acceleration towards becoming the real life version of The Simpson’s Springfield took another step forward yesterday when a warrant was issued for Bryon Aston (white) and Landon Thomas (right). The charge? Stealing grease. Yes, it would appear that people actually do that. Police say an officer working at John D. McGurk’s Pub saw a grease truck near the business and two men illegally removing the grease. The officer was able to curb the vehicle and take pair into custody during the early morning hours Saturday. [Read More]

The police were called when the grandmother of Tyler Dasher, the baby who the state believe was killed by his mother because he would not stop crying, noticed that someone defaced Tyler’s headstone with a permanent marker. Shirley Ellington, the paternal grandmother of Tyler Dasher, filed a police report Saturday after she first saw the marking on the headstone at Mount Hope Cemetery. Well that’s pretty messed up. What sick bastard would deface a baby’s tombstone? [Read More]

We knew love could make you barf, but we didn’t chucking in the parking lot would do much for igniting new love. St. Louis, you amaze us once again! Well done.

you puked out the taxi infront of courtesy – m4w – 22 (st.louis)

Hey i saw you at courtesy diner at 3a.m i was wearing a yellow shirt and i was with a friend and well you were drunk i saw you get in a taxi and as you left you stopped the taxi only to blow chunks out the door and i felt like it was very lady like for as drunk as you was we made eye contact during that moment i just wanted to no if you felt anything other than nausea please its killing me to no

It this man’s world, there’s no time for punctuation, “no” = “know”, and catching one a drunk girl’s glazed over glances while she’s busy reverse eating her drunken Courtesy Diner meal at 3am is the start of a beautiful relationship.

The problem of course, and the problem inherit with all “missed connections”, is how do you know if they are talking about you? There are two Courtesy Diners after all, and there’s little doubt at least two drunk girls simultaneously barfed in their respective parking lots with the most lady-like of grace. So what do you do if you’re one of these girls and wants to get a hold of this gentleman? Lucky for you your future husband is a genius who took a picture of the barf so you can use your perfect memory of the night to look back and visually identify your puke pattern!

It’s not quite a glass slipper, but this splotchy puke stain is going to make someone very very happy for the rest of their life… especially if he sends that puke to a DNA lab and manages to find out where she lives.

via Craigslist and [email protected] (screenshot of the post after the jump if/when it goes off Craigslist)

[Read More]

You know that park you drive by all the time but never know stop at and always wonder what that big thing is? Well that’s Reservoir Park (at 44 and Grand) and 50 years from now it will be remembered like a hipster Gettysburg as a battle site of the 2012 “Class War”. The graffiti, which includes phrases like “CLASS WAR,” and “COPS, PIGS, MURDERERS,” was sprayed on buildings, walls and statues at the park on Grand Boulevard just south of Interstate 44. [Read More]

Willie Jones was throwing out the trash when he heard noises coming from a trash bag by the dumpster. We would have screamed like a girl, ran in to the house only to come out later with a broom and a chair to stand on while poking the bag. Willie just checked what was inside, which would have been our second choice. When he opened the bag, he found five tiny kittens struggling to breathe. [Read More]

We’ve got spirit yes we do! We’ve got spirit, how about…this SLU band girl ESPN photographed last week?! We were going to say “Judging by those glasses and the face paint, that flute is the only thing she’ll be blowing until 15 years from now when some EMT that digs her out from under her pile of cats a gives her a little pity throw.” …but then we noticed the fully face-painted sax guy in the background. [Read More]

Enough with the damn Rally Squirrel! Can’t we just let a funny moment from last year’s championship run be a funny moment from last year’s championship run? Please don’t drag it out and ruin the moment! Why do we have to take a little “Tina Fey“-type situation, one that’s cute and funny but something that you’re like “The one time watching ‘Baby Mamma’ is plenty.”, and then dry hump it until it’s used up and ugly, stumbling around like Lindsay Lohan making it an option to only the really ugly or desperate people? [Read More]

If you like an idea but you aren’t sure if everyone likes it too, the cool new thing to do is start a Kickstarter campaign and then only do the idea if everyone says they agree. It’s super smart way to go, we just wish we knew about it before we decided to execute our ill-fated date “just pull your dick out there at the picnic and she’ll probably go for it” plan. [Read More]

We wanted to throw a note your way to say that since we’re doing some traveling this week, posting on the site might be a little less frequent than you’re used to. We thought about just taking the week off, but we can surely squeeze out a few great nuggest of textual awesome out, so why not? If you don’t like this news, we’re very sorry. Please accept this present from the Foot Clan: [Read More]

A Ballwin Islamic school, serving roughly 300 kindergarten through 8th graders, has been forced to give kids the day off today because a local group of adults has decided they’d like to interrupt the education of other people’s kids so they they can try and convert them to Christianity. An Islamic school has canceled classes for Friday after parents and faculty expressed concern about a Christian group gathering outside the school to distribute religious materials. [Read More]