Was there ever a greater school day joy in a young child’s life greater than when you walked in to class to find a substitute teacher? Sure it didn’t always turn out great. You got your fair share of “Maybe if I’m really hard on the kids they’ll make me in to a real teacher!” subs, but most of the time you got some guy that just wanted you to be quiet and watch this barely educational move while he leaned back is his borrowed chair and think what’s he going to do with that tiny tiny pay check he was going to get…and then there’s the substitues that bring tasers to school.

Um…so what?

No, no, no, we know what you’re thinking. This isn’t a St. Louis City school district sub that brought a taser to school, that’s not news and might be required at some city schools, this is about a substitute teach in Chesterfield.

What? Ahhh! What about the kids safety!? Isn’t someone thinking of the children?! This is an outrage!

There you go.

Principal Christina Garland [of Kehrs Mill Elementary School] wrote to parents that a substitute teacher brought a Taser, a high-voltage stun gun commonly used by police, into a fifth-grade class.

Well it’s not like they fired the thing!

Garland wrote that the substitute teacher “tested” the Taser in the classroom but away from students.

Oh.

“Please be assured that at no time was there a threat to the safety of any student or staff member,” Garland wrote.

…except for when a sub was testing a taser in the classroom unbeknownst to you or any of the parents.

It’s pretty clear what happened here, right? Sub shows up. Sub starts to lose class. Sub says “Who wants to see a taser?!” Sub gets their attention. Sub fires taser. Sub accidentally clips the fat kid not paying attention. Sub tells fatty that if he tells his parents she’s going to kill his dog. Sub gets in a little trouble anyway. Fatty internalizes anger, once again turning to food to fill the void inside. Sub no longer a sub. Sub gets better paying job as Walmart greeter (and now gets 10% discount on future tasers). Other sub, who’s totally a molester, gets to continue being a sub because at least he keeps the kids quiet.

via KMOX

“Oh Punching Kitty! You guys are always so down on St. Louis, but this headline is the worst yet. You know full well that you can stop in St. Louis and you won’t get robbed! This is a huge important city with lots of food trucks, and yes there is crime, but it’s not nearly as bad as you make it out to be! Why don’t you do positive stories about St. Louis, like how we have food trucks, or how awesome it is to sit at a coffee shop you’ve never heard of in South St. Louis that I think is cool because old black people walk by and it makes me feel less like the rich white kid who pays extra for this vintage plaid shirt that I always roll up the sleeves on even though its cold.”

Sincerely, 

Stupid St. Louis hipsters that email us, or comment on a Reddit link someone posted

Thieves broke into the van belonging to a group of young men from Manitoba, Canada.

The suspects took luggage, cash and cell phones. The van was parked along Memorial Drive Wednesday afternoon while the tourists went to see the Arch.

“We just arrived and got here and found this was a good place to sop and take a few pictures with the boys and then go and find a hotel,” said Michael Hofer.

Ahem.

“We weren’t here for five minutes and we looked and our vehicle was broken into.”

Quick! Someone show them what Toasted Ravioli is! That should make up for their lost clothes, cash and cellphones!

But seriously, can we not even protect the Arch grounds? We know the new police chief is a big fan of the “hot spot policing” program, but don’t you think that if we want people to not think we’re Detroit-level crappy, we should at least protect the area’s tourist destinations, if only to keep up appearances? These guys, lovely Canadian boys, drove all the way down to St. Louis, and no sooner did they cross the city line we managed to kick them square in the nuts. St. Louis somehow managed to get these guys f*cked faster than Kate Upton crawling through a prison on all fours naked. Can’t we at least agree, for the greater good, to just leave tourists alone? Steal from us, or better yet the people that come in from West County for baseball games because they hate the city and think everyone’s a thief already so no harm there, but please leave the tourists alone.

If you can’t tell who the tourists are, here’s a hint: They’re the ones who park their van full of stuff downtown, and casually walk away without looking over their shoulder a bunch of times, only to immediately return to the van to say “I should move this somewhere a little safer.” and then promptly drive it all the way back home to Fenton. You can see the Arch well enough from there.

via KMOV

Update: The slideshow has since been fixed by KSDK, and you’re welcome DL Hughley!

Original post follow…

Is this DL Hughley? Anyone? Eh, close enough. I remembered he was black…and a comedian…how many of them can there be?

Good try KSDK, but a whiff for sure. One might ask: “Why the hell is local news channel KSDK making incorrect slide shows concerning the cast of a long-running national reality show that airs on a different local affiliate?” …and that would be a good question! Someone should definitely ask that.

*crickets*

via KSDK and  The Tip Line

Teen pregnancy is declining in St. Charles County everyone! It’s also declining nationally by about the same rate, but that must just be some crazy coincidence because stuff is really going well out in St. Charles County. That many Applebee’s can’t be wrong!

From 1990 to 2000, there were nearly 23 percent fewer teen pregnancies in the county. For teens ages 15 to 17, the number dropped more than 50 percent.

So it took 10 years for the young ladies of St. Charles County to finally discover the blow job. Someone throw together a press release!

A few factors play into the reduction. For starters, more teens are using contraception during the first initiation of sex, said Allison Hile, executive director of the Teen Pregnancy and Prevention Partnership for the state of Missouri. More teens also are using dual methods of birth control, like oral contraceptives and condoms.

They didn’t mention it, but our numbers point to two other factors in the decrease: The popularity of super virgin Tim Tebow, and anal. By “numbers” we mean this Post-It note where we wrote “St. Chuck Teen Pregnancy” at the top, followed by a down arrow and a crude drawing of Tim Tebow and a butt…with some poop coming out of the butt.

While we draw more turds on our numbers, St. Charles educators continue to fight over whether or not the best plan to continue this trend is teaching a realistic, and truthful version of sexual education, or just telling kids that that vaginas and penises have sharp little teeth which help them feed on dreams.

“Right at this minute we have guest speakers telling students that condoms have holes in them. Their goal is to stop kids from having sex,” Hile said. “That’s misinformation, and that’s not OK with me. I understand people not wanting kids to have sex. But I don’t understand giving them misinformation. I think that is reprehensible.”

Many St. Charles County schools have implemented Best Choice, an abstinence-based sexual health curriculum administered by Thrive St. Louis. The program follows a curriculum based on abstinence as defined by the government, which includes promoting abstinence outside of marriage and that sex outside of marriage can have harmful psychological and physical side effects. The program also encourages teens to think about how the decisions they make can interfere with their goals.

Can’t we just compromise? Lets just have the fat and/or poor kids do the abstinence program, while the more attractive ones with the money to fund a nine month “study abroad program” learn about condoms and dental dams. Everyone’s a winner in that school! Generic ferocious animal football rules!

via STLToday

This morning KMOX posted a story about a Wright City, Missouri man was hoarding a stash of panties, sex toys, and “feminine hygiene products” he allegedly acquired from various burglaries. They also make mention of the man’s new nickname (emphasis ours)…

A 19 year-old eastern Missouri man has a new nickname after police found him hoarding 59 pairs of women’s underwear along with female clothing, sex toys, photographs and feminine hygiene products in his bedroom.

To know what the nickname was or who gave it to him, look no further than the story’s headline

Pervy Dude Caught With Panties and Feminine Hygiene Products

KMOX, a long standing St. Louis news source, has apparently decided to take it upon themselves to pass judgement and hand out insulting nicknames to the people in their news stories. In other words…they took our job!

Did KMOX hire @punchingkitty 2 write headlines? RT @kmoxnews: Pervy Dude Caught W Panties & Feminine Hygiene Products cbsloc.al/XQzDIo

— Colleen (@colleenkelly) February 22, 2013

We’re not going to lie, the guy looks pretty “pervy”, and the fact he had a secret stash of women’s clothing and various other vagina-related items isn’t helping his case…but geez KMOX, this is kind of a weird line you just crossed, and if you’re going to try and play our role (Though, honestly, don’t you think we would have been more creative than “pervy dude”?!), we’ll play the game and do the real news bit by pointing out the WTF’s in play here:

1. “Pervy Dude” was in the headline.

2. You make a mention of a new nickname, but with no other mention of the nickname or who gave it, so you have to assume it’s KMOX, which is weird, but also odd not to mention it in the story. Was it actually the cops or someone else that called him that? Why not put it in quotes, or mention that in the article?

3. Yes, the man had a large collection of things that normally guys don’t have, but at this point it hasn’t been proven he stole them. Also, who’s to say what is “pervy” these days. Haven’t you seen the internet? While collecting tampons isn’t our cup of tea, not sure that’s were the “pervy” line is drawn since the arrival of “Two Girls, One Cup”

Ugh, that was weird being all journalistically responsible. Lets make a deal KMOX: You stick to your news bit, and we’ll stick to the creative labeling of people we’ve never met that are unfortunate enough to pop up in the news for whatever reason. It’s called playing to our strengths.

via KMOX and @colleenkelly

There are 425 different bird species that live in Creve Coeur Park, a 2,145 acre park that contains a 325 acre lake and a large wetlands area and is home to countless other animals. It’s a peaceful place where area residents can come to escape the strip mall that is Creve Coeur and instead look at a bird or two while contemplating the beauty of nature…but f*ck all that sh*t! Lets put a zip line up in that bitch!

Brushing aside vociferous opposition, the St. Louis County Council on Tuesday approved a treetop adventure course that naturalists fear will jeopardize birds populating a migratory habitat in Creve Coeur Park.

Critics blasted the council for expediting the measure without public input, not conducting an environmental impact study, shattering the tranquility of the upper park and permitting a private corporation to profit from taxpayer-supported property.

But at least the tax payers of Creve Coeur were all for the change right?

Of the 16 residents addressing the council Tuesday night, only one spoke in favor of lining a 7- to 10-acre canopy of trees in the park’s upper forest with cables, swinging bridges and ropes.

“I’ve heard from quite a few supporters through email and phone calls,” Burkett said. “They are just not as publicly vocal about (the issue) as the opponents.”

Ah…well…whatever stupid hippies, with your weird signs and arguments so horrible they are barely discernible from bong water gurgling! So what that all of this stuff is being crammed on to a public-owned piece of property and the county is only estimated to make, despite an adult ticket costing $55, a measly $100,000 a year (Seriously, that’s all they plan to make on this?!) but allowing a private company to generate a tidy profit? What are you, a terrorist?! Zip line! Helmets! Fat guys in tank tops that explain the rules a little too quickly! Those strappy harnesses that make your junk bulge out really far! *air horn blast*

Asked if he was concerned that noise and commotion of a zip line and obstacle course would ruin the park as a destination for residents seeking peace and quiet in nature, [County Executive Charlie] Dooley said, “We already have the speed (boat) races (on Creve Coeur Lake) — you could say the same thing for that.”

Damn straight! All this talk of zip lines and speed boat races is giving us such a raging America boner those birds are lucky we don’t march down there and kick all 425 individual species’ asses! Lets do this up all the way and spray paint the tops of the trees yellow so from space it looks like a giant yellow car ribbon magnet! We can even rename the whole thing “Alan Jackson Rules Park”! It won’t make the county much more money, but who has time to think about this with all the supportive emails and awesome blasting in your head?! Not the people in charge of Creve Coeur, that’s who. Goddamned American heroes.

…oh and it should be said that zip lines are, in reality, pretty freaking lame. This clip sums it up.

via STLToday