An 18-year-old man checked himself in to the Franklin County jail to serve his 30-day sentence, but he came with a little extra luggage…duct taped and tucked in to his ass. Here’s a hint as to what the tried to smuggle in: It wasn’t a sandwich, which is too bad because a sandwich sounds like a great thing to smuggle in. Just go with one of those stinkier cheeses and you probably won’t even notice the ass taste.
According to Sheriff Gary Teolke, the man confessed to trying to smuggle a quarter-gram of heroin, a bend spoon, a syringe and a lighter wrapped in duct tape inside his behind.
Lets review…he had…in his ass…
1. a quarter-gram of heroin.
2. a spoon*
3. a lighter**
4. a syringe***
* What! ** The! *** F*ck!
What, no room for some post-heroin Cheetos fun size bags, or maybe one of those lumbar pillows? We hear those jail beds are rough. You’re going to wash that syringe first right?
Deputies said the man was taken to the hospital, where an X-Ray confirmed the contraband. But authorities said the suspect was unable to get it out on his own and he refused to have it surgically removed.
Well of course! There’s no guarantee that all those doctors wouldn’t just shoot up all your ass drugs while you were still under anesthesia! You worked hard for that!
Deputies said they sent the teenager home…
Wait, what? You can get sent home from jail because you have stuff stuck up your ass? Isn’t that the point of jail?!
…where his parents eventually convinced him to go to the hospital. He then had the contraband removed by doctors.
If there’s any conversation tougher for parents than the “birds and the bees” talk, it has to be the “please let us take you to the hospital so we can get the heroin removed from your ass so you can go back to jail” talk.
Authorities said they planned to seek charges against the man for attempting smuggling.
But now he knows the secret to get expelled from jail: Shoving things in your butt! Sure you’ll keep racking up smuggling charges, causing your poop to just kinda fall out, and soon you’ll have to be shoving herion-filled sleeping bags up there to keep pace with all the anal stretching, but…you know…no jail. So that’s sweet.
Update: Added Punching Kitty.com
What follows is a list of the major players in local St. Louis media along with the reasons why they suck and what they can do to suck less. This is us giving back and you’re welcome everyone. We won’t even feel bad when you do some of this stuff in a few months and don’t bother to credit us.
This is going to be a continuing theme on this list, but STLToday is the biggest offender: Stop pretending the rest of the internet doesn’t exist. Don’t continue to waste your time covering national or world stories that have no connection to St. Louis, that’s what CNN, MSNBC, and (to a certain extent) Fox News are for, and people in St. Louis are aware of them. No one in St. Louis hears about an earthquake in China and pulls up STLToday for the story, so just stop wasting your time. Your sports section, clearly the biggest fish of the STLToday/PD, gets this nearly right. Maybe there’s a mention about national stories, but usually they have a St. Louis tie or are barely mentioned at all. While were on the subject of news, you don’t pay Derrick Goold or Bernie Miklasz enough, please give them some or all of Burwell’s money.
Bonus tip: Stop letting Joe Holleman pretend anyone gives a shit about what he has to say. For christ sake, the man does articles about him not posting articles just to make himself seem like everyone’s clamoring for another vapid pile of text turds. You, a struggling newspaper, pay him for this?
Your stuff is actually pretty great…it’s just…well…we forget you exist. A lot. Try to work on that.
1. As we told STLToday, stop wasting your time with national news. Your evening news is right next to national news and most everyone that has a TV also has access to 24/7 national news from a variety of sources.
2. Unlike STLToday, your sports coverage is far less useful. Local highlights are fine, but don’t scroll scores because if I want to know who won the Laker game, I’ll ask the internet, not you.
3. We know old people love it that you spend 10 minutes on the weather, but seriously, stop it. Don’t worry about the old people. No one really cares why it’s raining/snowing/sunny/cold, they just want to know that it is…oh and they already found that out a long time ago because they just looked at their phone. No one says “I wonder if it’s going to be nice tomorrow?” and then waits around until 10pm to find out. Oh and don’t worry about the old people, they’ll still watch because you’re CBS so they were already watching NCIS and probably lost the remote.
4. It’s time local news people stopped talking like idiots with that horrible news person voice inflection. “Reporting live from this snowy street, I’m Chet Whogivesashit…KMOV…channel 4.” Stop it. It adds nothing and everyone makes fun of your for it, so just be the first local news station with some balls and tell your reporters to just tell people the news like they would describe it to their friend.
5. No one cares if you sent a reporter to the snowy overpass, or the now empty ballpark, or the scene where a crime happened earlier but nothing at all is happening now. We believed you when you said it earlier.
Same as KMOV.
Not every channel needs news. Just show Simpsons or Dawson’s Creek reruns where you feel like news should go. Run a continuously scrolling banner at the bottom of those shows reminding viewers that the internet is more than just Facebook and porn, there’s also news.
Also, channel 11, you don’t play the movie Predator enough any more. Start doing that again.
The paper is pretty good, but the real problem is the web content. Most of it is fine, but it could be a lot better if you played to your strengths rather than forcing your weaknesses. Strengths: Full time job of news reporting, ability to write, ability to research, seemingly good connections. Weaknesses: Being funny.
Remember, and we say this with love, not all internet content has to be snarky. You would be better served by reporting less of the quick blurb news with some comment, and more longer stories with good in-depth reporting. We do the comment / quote / comment format because it’s the best we can do in a couple hours, you have all day and you were hired to report stuff. We’re not saying you don’t do this now, quite the contrary, it’s because you’ve done it well many times before that we cringe when we read some forced joke on a story beat to death online already, or yet another “Look St. Louis made this list of things!” post.
You should…um…the uh…I’m sorry. We have no idea what you broadcast outside of the first parts Cardinal games when I get stuck in traffic.
Update: Since KMOX asked in our comments, here’s one thing you can improve on from last week: Stop calling people “pervy”!
Please stop with the “[guy on our station] is [something cool sounding] … [clip from movie] … [Station ID]” promos. Also, and while we feel personally responsible for this in a pretty significant way (long story), stop making radio people write stuff on your website. 1. These people can’t write. 2. The over amplified local sports angst schtick you all do doesn’t work as well over text. 3. Your websites are like a if Godzilla ate every billboard on 44 from St. Louis to Six Flags and then shit it in my eyes.
We love you, like really love you, but proofread your stories more.
So there you have it! Tips from us, to each of our local media stations. If we forgot anyone that you think should be on here, please let us know in the comments or on Twitter (@punchingkitty) and we’ll add them to the list ASAP.
Was there ever a greater school day joy in a young child’s life greater than when you walked in to class to find a substitute teacher? Sure it didn’t always turn out great. You got your fair share of “Maybe if I’m really hard on the kids they’ll make me in to a real teacher!” subs, but most of the time you got some guy that just wanted you to be quiet and watch this barely educational move while he leaned back is his borrowed chair and think what’s he going to do with that tiny tiny pay check he was going to get…and then there’s the substitues that bring tasers to school.
No, no, no, we know what you’re thinking. This isn’t a St. Louis City school district sub that brought a taser to school, that’s not news and might be required at some city schools, this is about a substitute teach in Chesterfield.
What? Ahhh! What about the kids safety!? Isn’t someone thinking of the children?! This is an outrage!
There you go.
Principal Christina Garland [of Kehrs Mill Elementary School] wrote to parents that a substitute teacher brought a Taser, a high-voltage stun gun commonly used by police, into a fifth-grade class.
Well it’s not like they fired the thing!
Garland wrote that the substitute teacher “tested” the Taser in the classroom but away from students.
“Please be assured that at no time was there a threat to the safety of any student or staff member,” Garland wrote.
…except for when a sub was testing a taser in the classroom unbeknownst to you or any of the parents.
It’s pretty clear what happened here, right? Sub shows up. Sub starts to lose class. Sub says “Who wants to see a taser?!” Sub gets their attention. Sub fires taser. Sub accidentally clips the fat kid not paying attention. Sub tells fatty that if he tells his parents she’s going to kill his dog. Sub gets in a little trouble anyway. Fatty internalizes anger, once again turning to food to fill the void inside. Sub no longer a sub. Sub gets better paying job as Walmart greeter (and now gets 10% discount on future tasers). Other sub, who’s totally a molester, gets to continue being a sub because at least he keeps the kids quiet.
“Oh Punching Kitty! You guys are always so down on St. Louis, but this headline is the worst yet. You know full well that you can stop in St. Louis and you won’t get robbed! This is a huge important city with lots of food trucks, and yes there is crime, but it’s not nearly as bad as you make it out to be! Why don’t you do positive stories about St. Louis, like how we have food trucks, or how awesome it is to sit at a coffee shop you’ve never heard of in South St. Louis that I think is cool because old black people walk by and it makes me feel less like the rich white kid who pays extra for this vintage plaid shirt that I always roll up the sleeves on even though its cold.”
Stupid St. Louis hipsters that email us, or comment on a Reddit link someone posted
Thieves broke into the van belonging to a group of young men from Manitoba, Canada.
The suspects took luggage, cash and cell phones. The van was parked along Memorial Drive Wednesday afternoon while the tourists went to see the Arch.
“We just arrived and got here and found this was a good place to sop and take a few pictures with the boys and then go and find a hotel,” said Michael Hofer.
“We weren’t here for five minutes and we looked and our vehicle was broken into.”
Quick! Someone show them what Toasted Ravioli is! That should make up for their lost clothes, cash and cellphones!
But seriously, can we not even protect the Arch grounds? We know the new police chief is a big fan of the “hot spot policing” program, but don’t you think that if we want people to not think we’re Detroit-level crappy, we should at least protect the area’s tourist destinations, if only to keep up appearances? These guys, lovely Canadian boys, drove all the way down to St. Louis, and no sooner did they cross the city line we managed to kick them square in the nuts. St. Louis somehow managed to get these guys f*cked faster than Kate Upton crawling through a prison on all fours naked. Can’t we at least agree, for the greater good, to just leave tourists alone? Steal from us, or better yet the people that come in from West County for baseball games because they hate the city and think everyone’s a thief already so no harm there, but please leave the tourists alone.
If you can’t tell who the tourists are, here’s a hint: They’re the ones who park their van full of stuff downtown, and casually walk away without looking over their shoulder a bunch of times, only to immediately return to the van to say “I should move this somewhere a little safer.” and then promptly drive it all the way back home to Fenton. You can see the Arch well enough from there.
Update: The slideshow has since been fixed by KSDK, and you’re welcome DL Hughley!
Original post follow…
Is this DL Hughley? Anyone? Eh, close enough. I remembered he was black…and a comedian…how many of them can there be?
Good try KSDK, but a whiff for sure. One might ask: “Why the hell is local news channel KSDK making incorrect slide shows concerning the cast of a long-running national reality show that airs on a different local affiliate?” …and that would be a good question! Someone should definitely ask that.
Teen pregnancy is declining in St. Charles County everyone! It’s also declining nationally by about the same rate, but that must just be some crazy coincidence because stuff is really going well out in St. Charles County. That many Applebee’s can’t be wrong!
From 1990 to 2000, there were nearly 23 percent fewer teen pregnancies in the county. For teens ages 15 to 17, the number dropped more than 50 percent.
So it took 10 years for the young ladies of St. Charles County to finally discover the blow job. Someone throw together a press release!
A few factors play into the reduction. For starters, more teens are using contraception during the first initiation of sex, said Allison Hile, executive director of the Teen Pregnancy and Prevention Partnership for the state of Missouri. More teens also are using dual methods of birth control, like oral contraceptives and condoms.
They didn’t mention it, but our numbers point to two other factors in the decrease: The popularity of super virgin Tim Tebow, and anal. By “numbers” we mean this Post-It note where we wrote “St. Chuck Teen Pregnancy” at the top, followed by a down arrow and a crude drawing of Tim Tebow and a butt…with some poop coming out of the butt.
While we draw more turds on our numbers, St. Charles educators continue to fight over whether or not the best plan to continue this trend is teaching a realistic, and truthful version of sexual education, or just telling kids that that vaginas and penises have sharp little teeth which help them feed on dreams.
“Right at this minute we have guest speakers telling students that condoms have holes in them. Their goal is to stop kids from having sex,” Hile said. “That’s misinformation, and that’s not OK with me. I understand people not wanting kids to have sex. But I don’t understand giving them misinformation. I think that is reprehensible.”
Many St. Charles County schools have implemented Best Choice, an abstinence-based sexual health curriculum administered by Thrive St. Louis. The program follows a curriculum based on abstinence as defined by the government, which includes promoting abstinence outside of marriage and that sex outside of marriage can have harmful psychological and physical side effects. The program also encourages teens to think about how the decisions they make can interfere with their goals.
Can’t we just compromise? Lets just have the fat and/or poor kids do the abstinence program, while the more attractive ones with the money to fund a nine month “study abroad program” learn about condoms and dental dams. Everyone’s a winner in that school! Generic ferocious animal football rules!