More cost-cutting measures continue to be created to keep our struggling local news operations afloat. One of the more recent ones is KSDK, channel 5’s move to dismantle their news helicopter.

From the rumor mill over on STLMedia.net:

As of February 1st KSDK no longer has a news helicopter. The camera has been removed from chopper 5. In a cost cutting move KSDK is negotiating with KMOV for a “shared use” of aerial footage, but has yet to sign an agreement. Just another sign of the need to save money.

KSDK and KMOV are also combining for Spring Training coverage. KSDK will send two photographers, one shoots for KMOV, they will share footage, and KMOV is sending their Sat. truck to feed back tape.

I guess the next time we have a high-speed chance, the only way KSDK can cover it is to join the chase themselves.

We just can’t figure out why local news still hasn’t gotten it yet!’

First, the whole idea of having to wait until 6pm to get your news is a laughable concept these days.  If I want the news, I’ll either jump on the internet or tune to one of the many 24 hour news channels at any given moment.  There’s no reason for me to wait until some artificial time to get it.  Along these lines, the idea of “teasing” your viewers is also so weak its just annoying now.  When Larry Connors drops a “One of your household items may kill you…but we won’t tell you wich one until after sports and the weather!” it falls flat.  Why?  Because I can just look it up.  The end. Now where’s that remote, we can still catch the rest of Seinfeld.

Also, you guys speed way too much time on the weather!  Just tell me what the weather is like now, and what it will be tomorrow (or later today for morning newscasts).  Maybe throw in a weekly forecast graphic and that’s it! That’s it. Seriously. We don’t care why its cold, we just want to know if we should bring a coat.  Oh its a cold front from Canada?  Who gives a crap!  Hey, look at where the jet stream is right now! Oh wait, that means exactly dick to me!  If I care about that crap, I’ll click the “more details” link on Weather.com.

Maybe you’ve seen the blog Hot Chicks with Douchebags, well guess what?  We have a few examples of this meme in our very own town…and all it took to find them was a quick trip to the InsideSTL photo gallery!  Shocker right?

You know guys, I’m guessing most of you are sports fans. There’s a sport expression that falls inline with this: “Act like you’ve been there before.” You don’t need to get this excited just because someone pointed a camera at you while you happen to be standing next to a girl.

If any of these are of you, I’m sorry, but you made me do this.

Starting now, if you are arrested for selling drugs out of your home in Belleville, IL you will have a sign posted out in front of your house alerting the rest of the neighborhood…or letting the 14 year old white kid down the street know that he doesn’t have to buy his pot in the highschool parking lot after all.

Belleville individuals who are arrested for selling drugs out of their home will now have signs posted near their residence to alert their neighbors, according to the Belleville Police Department.

Some Belleville residents said they were surprised by the sign policy and don’t think it will change anything. “That’s not going to stop the drug problem,” one Belleville woman said. “It’s just going to make the neighborhoods look bad.”

Another Belleville man suggested the signs would make the drug problem worse because they will point people who want to buy drugs directly to a dealer.

Sax said police discussed this possibility and don’t think it’s likely. “How many people are really going to go buy drugs at a house that they know police are watching and know it’s a drug house?” he said.

Good point.  Its just not like someone needing a drug fix to not think clearly!

Frankly this whole thing isn’t worth the money it cost to create the signs.  Let me tell you why.  For one, the signs are only supposed to be up for one day.  Seriously. One day!  What the hell is that going to do? Now that we think about it though, we’d be shocked if a sign actually made it longer than one day outside because, and I’m not sure Belleville’s finest know this, you can just knock a sign over.  Its pretty amazing. You don’t even have to use your hands…you can just kick it if you want.

Also, you know everyone is going to want to steal one of these bad boys and hang it in their basement above to their home bar they totally took like a whole weekend building and it is soooo bitchin! You would not believe the parties we have here bro!  Cra…zy.

via Globe Democrat

When it rains it pours.  It wasn’t long ago that the Eureka Days Inn was rated the second worst hotel in the country, and now they are getting sued by Six Flags.

The amusement park said the hotel uses deceptive advertising to promote itself as having an association with Six Flags. Six Flags is seeking both injunctive and monetary relief.

“Six Flags has never authorized the use of the Six Flags mark and the facility has no association, sponsorship, affiliation or any other connection with Six Flags,” the theme park said in a statement.

Damn, how did they even find out about this little crappy hotel?

“The story [about that Days Inn new dubious ranking] brought to our attention the unapproved and illegal use of our name by this hotel,” said Elizabeth Gotway, a spokeswoman for Six Flags. “We gave the hotel an opportunity to remove the name but it didn’t do so in a timely manner.”

So I guess all press isn’t good press after all.

In a related story I’ve recently found out that not all fat girls actually need lovin’ too.  Some of them get real upset when you motor-boat them while waiting for the self checkout lane in Schnucks.

via St. Louis Business Journal

Its been confirmed through a few sources that it is in fact the Matt Holliday tweeting at twitter.com/mattholliday7.

Not only that, but after reading over his stream of “tweets” we can say Matt Holliday seems pretty cool. Below is a sampling of some of his best mind droppings.

Matt Holiday’s thoughts on…

Turkey Bacon:

not sure turkey bacon has earned the right to be called bacon, maybe breakfast turkey strips

Brett Favre:

qb no no, roll right throw back left to middle

Former football players getting fat: [Editor's Note: Watched this and thought the same thing.]

Duece is enjoying the retirement gumbo a little to much

And lastly, the offseason:

On my way to workout with trainer, trying to pump myself up. Ready for spring training! ST is way easier than offseason workouts

Follow Holliday at mattholliday7 and while you are at it, follow us at punchingkitty!

From the Globe Democrat:

Despite recent tensions between the U.S. and China, the governor warmly received China’s ambassador to the U.S. at a discussion of a trade partnership marked by little tangible progress.

The two officials are looking to make Lambert Airport in St. Louis the Midwestern hub of air cargo transport between China and the U.S., but did not provide specifics or expand upon previous announcements.

So you’re saying there’s a good chance I might be able to get a straight flight from St. Louis to China, but I have to make two layovers to get to New York?

A Liberty, MO Culver’s had a donation jar on the counter for helping the Haitians.  What a lovely idea right?  Well some couple stole it.

Liberty police are looking for a couple who took a donation can intended for Haiti earthquake relief from a restaurant.

A video shows the couple putting their bags of food on either side of the can, picking it up and walking out the door.

Can you believe this?  I mean how sick do you have to be?!  I’m not usually one to be lost for words, but I really don’t have anything good to say about this.  I honestly want to be sick right now and I managed to get through all of Screech’s porno while eating a sandwich.  And this other time I stared at Tara Reid’s stomach for like 30 seconds without blinking.  Totally gross, but nothing is worse than this.

Who the hell would choose to eat at a Culvers?!

You know that girlfriend you had in highschool that wasn’t bad at the time but looking back she was actually kinda chubs, but it doesn’t really matter because you were kinda chubs too, but in college you slimmed down and ended up with a pretty hot new girlfriend and you would always go home and see your old girlfriend because you are her were still cool and then one day she was like “Hey can you come to this thing?” and you were like, “I’ll try but I have to do this stuff for my hot wife.” and then you didn’t show because you had other important things to do and you were just really being nice by saying you would try, but then the old girlfriend was all like “You suck.” and you were all like “Umm, why are you so pissed?” and she was like “I don’t know why I ever liked you, you are a jerk…just kidding I love you.” and then you were like “You’re crazy” and then got mad and was all “Nevermind I hate you and I with I would have never done that thing  you like with my thumbs, your right ear and that piece of salmon.” and then you’re like, “Ok, bye” and then she’s like “I’ve always loved you! Why did you leave me” and then you’re like “Um you had your chance” and then she’s like “You got me pregnant” so then you sent a dude over to abort that crap but then you realized that you last dated her 10 years ago so it would be less like abortion and more like child murder which was way more expensive so  you call it off but it turns out that she was lying and just started dating your friend so then you are like “Stop calling me”?

Well in that story you are Pujols and that old fat girlfriend is Kansas City.  …minus that abortion stuff.  I’ll be honest with you the wheels came off the analogy for a second there.

Too bad baseball’s best player didn’t come to [the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum’s Legacy Awards to] make it better. The museum gave him two awards. He accepted neither in person, and didn’t record a video thank you like several others who couldn’t show up — and like he’s done in the past.

Pujols was in Kansas City this weekend, you know. He worked a hitting clinic and signed autographs for kids at a facility in north Kansas City on Sunday.

Maybe there’s more to Pujols’ absence. He’s under no obligation to do anything but play his best for the Cardinals, of course, and it’s murky waters whenever somebody starts telling somebody else how they should spend their time.

But it’s not unreasonable to expect Pujols – with his Kansas City ties and status as the game’s best player – to at least let the museum know of his plans.

When he doesn’t, what choice does it give fans but to assume he blew them off?

That was an excerpt from Sam Mellinger’s blog on the Kansas City Star’s website.

“Oh please Pujols please love us!  Remember how you are from here?  Good times huh?  Sorry we passed you up in the draft 13 times, but everytime we get the chance we are going to jump on you because you didn’t make one award show out of the like 400 awards you win every year.”

Chill the hell out.

Everyone wants Pujols to go to everything.  He can’t though.  It really doesn’t matter what city its in.  I invited him to my last birthday party and he didn’t show but you don’t see me crying about it.

A guy robs a Clayton bank by slipping the teller a note and grabbing a sack of money (I’m assuming it was one of those with a dollar sign on it).  He then proceeds to walk across the street, in broad daylight, with tons of witnesses.  He was followed by the cops and was arrested on the first floor of the hospital with little trouble.

What?

From STLToday:

The 39-year-old St. Louis man presented a note to the bank teller demanding money about 12:05 p.m. today. He did not display a weapon and no one was hurt during the robbery, Clayton police said.

Bank employees watched the man walk across the street toward the hospital complex, and Clayton and Richmond Heights police officers responded to the area.

A Richmond Heights officer arrested the man in a first-floor hospital corridor without incident. He had the stolen money with him.

Told ya!

Clearly the obvious joke here is something about the cost of health care, but that’s lame.

Feel free to pick one of the following punch lines. It’ll be like a Choose Your Own Adventure book!

1.  The hospital was out of toilet paper.

2. You wouldn’t believe how expensive a Mr Goodbar is in the Clayon vending machines.

3. I don’t blame him, its murder to remember where you parked over there.

4. The Space Vampire got you.  You are dead.

Its no secret to us that they have a blog for everything these days, but its still hard to believe that there is a blog out there that counts down horrific events to people and places and then tries to spin it as god dropping the hammer for some perceived slight against the world.  You know, horrible things like finding someone attractive that they don’t agree with or telling them to shut up when they are spouting hate-speech.  The nerve!

Sunday’s target?  Lebanon, Missouri. From the blog GodSmack:

THANK GOD FOR THE GODSMACK TO LEBANON, MISSOURI!  GOD SENT THE SHOOTER!  An 8-year-old was left to roam the house after his father, former gangster Todd Johnson, shot his mother and brother, then left the house, crashed the car, and killed himself.  What a sight!  In June 2008 the officials of Lebanon aggressively and lawlessly prevented the obedient watchers of Westboro Baptist Church from coming to that community with the only words of hope and truth, to wit, obey God, stop your proud sinning, or He will curse you.  Now the wrath of God has poured out on this little community, by this awful event that the local paper says has sent waves of shock and disbelief cascading across the area.  WORSE AND MORE IS COMING!  We pray for more visitations of God’s wrath on this disobedient nation.  Praise God for his righteous judgments in this earth!

What a giant piece of shit.  This guy’s “god” sounds like one of those f*cked up Roman gods and blow each other and rape mortal chicks.

Secondly, here is my drawing of this guy:

Thirdly, this is my drawing of this guy being decapitated by the smoke monster from Lost…who apparently is from Lebanon.

In case you were wondering, our “savior” at Punching Kitty is Scott Baio.  Last we checked he was totally cool with Lebanon, Missouri….plus he banged Pamela Anderson in her prime…and he’s always in charge, just like a good deity should be.