Creve Coeur Park to Install Zip Line Because Zip Lines are Awesome

Creve Coeur Park to Install Zip Line Because Zip Lines are Awesome

There are 425 different bird species that live in Creve Coeur Park, a 2,145 acre park that contains a 325 acre lake and a large wetlands area and is home to countless other animals. It’s a peaceful place where area residents can come to escape the strip mall that is Creve Coeur and instead look at a bird or two while contemplating the beauty of nature…but f*ck all that sh*t! Lets put a zip line up in that bitch!

Brushing aside vociferous opposition, the St. Louis County Council on Tuesday approved a treetop adventure course that naturalists fear will jeopardize birds populating a migratory habitat in Creve Coeur Park.

Critics blasted the council for expediting the measure without public input, not conducting an environmental impact study, shattering the tranquility of the upper park and permitting a private corporation to profit from taxpayer-supported property.

But at least the tax payers of Creve Coeur were all for the change right?

Of the 16 residents addressing the council Tuesday night, only one spoke in favor of lining a 7- to 10-acre canopy of trees in the park’s upper forest with cables, swinging bridges and ropes.

“I’ve heard from quite a few supporters through email and phone calls,” Burkett said. “They are just not as publicly vocal about (the issue) as the opponents.”

Ah…well…whatever stupid hippies, with your weird signs and arguments so horrible they are barely discernible from bong water gurgling! So what that all of this stuff is being crammed on to a public-owned piece of property and the county is only estimated to make, despite an adult ticket costing $55, a measly $100,000 a year (Seriously, that’s all they plan to make on this?!) but allowing a private company to generate a tidy profit? What are you, a terrorist?! Zip line! Helmets! Fat guys in tank tops that explain the rules a little too quickly! Those strappy harnesses that make your junk bulge out really far! *air horn blast*

Asked if he was concerned that noise and commotion of a zip line and obstacle course would ruin the park as a destination for residents seeking peace and quiet in nature, [County Executive Charlie] Dooley said, “We already have the speed (boat) races (on Creve Coeur Lake) — you could say the same thing for that.”

Damn straight! All this talk of zip lines and speed boat races is giving us such a raging America boner those birds are lucky we don’t march down there and kick all 425 individual species’ asses! Lets do this up all the way and spray paint the tops of the trees yellow so from space it looks like a giant yellow car ribbon magnet! We can even rename the whole thing “Alan Jackson Rules Park”! It won’t make the county much more money, but who has time to think about this with all the supportive emails and awesome blasting in your head?! Not the people in charge of Creve Coeur, that’s who. Goddamned American heroes.

…oh and it should be said that zip lines are, in reality, pretty freaking lame. This clip sums it up.

via STLToday