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October 25, 2013
- Betting on the favourites to win the NHL season
Editor's Note: Make sure you play this video in the background while you read this.
Punching Kitty was a writing project for the city of St. Louis to have a little fun and try to get everyone to stop taking themselves so seriously...and hopefully highlight some critical issues along the way.
We had a lot of fun, but all good things need an ending and ours was on March 13th, 2013. While we will no longer actively write, the site will stay up as an archive. To the right are some of our favorite and most acclaimed articles from our four year run. You may also enjoy "This Day in PK History" which shows the posts written on this date in years past, and this page which shows a random article from the archives.
- The Editor
The police are looking for a new flasher showing his central south front area to the ladies of the Central West End area. The lonely gentleman has reportedly let it hang several times last weekend alone, which begs the question: Isn’t the summer or spring the better time to be a flasher? It’s awfully cold to be letting the little general out. I guess it wasn’t as cold last weekend, but still you’re probably not doing yourself any favors by whipping it out between November and March.
According to police, the suspect has been spotted driving through the area in a late 1990s green Pontiac Grand Am with tinted windows. The car has temporary tags with a back spoiler.
Police said the man pulls up to unsuspecting women, gets out of his car, and drops his pants.
Woah, wait. That ride is a certified pussy magnet, so this is starting to sound like several consecutive misunderstandings. This dude is just assuming that most ladies will see that ride…with a spoiler and tinted windows remember…and immediately want to put his penis inside of them. Which totally checks out, meaning the only explanation is that this guy is riding one long unlucky string of rolling up to prudes. He’s the victim here! Hang in, er out, there buddy!
Anyone seeing a vehicle matching the description is asked to alert authorities immediately.
Probably won’t happen because the shock and disgust won’t set in until well after the initial reaction of relief subsides. Fact facts: If you’re walking in St. Louis and a dude rolls up on you staring daggers with his hands down his pants, we both know you’re praying the worst thing he’s going to point and shoot at you with is his junk. You can always buy a new sweater.
Image of Jennifer Lawrence, because it’s my site and I don’t want to post something more appropriate for this story. I didn’t used to think she was all that cute, but she’s growing on me, so congratulations to you Ms. Lawrence! Also, congrats on the Golden Globe which probably means nothing to you now after my recent admission.
Governor Jay Nixon knows that his state’s schools are lagging behind the rest of the country, which has an effect on the state’s economy as the stupid kids don’t tend to move as much, so he’s got a plan to fix it. It’s been budgeted, the schools are on board and it’s genius. Are you ready? Here it is: Missouri schools will now be required to extend their school year by six days!
“To stay competitive in today’s economy, Missouri’s students should be in the classroom as much as their peers in other states,” said Nixon, a Democrat. “Extending Missouri’s school year by just six instructional days will bring our state in line with the national average while increasing educational opportunities for every student.”
Hell yeah! Lets just extend the school year by six days because those last six days are when all the big topics get handled, and lets just do six days rather than, you know, more than that because we just want to reach for the average stars. Take note kids!
“There is a lot of merit to the idea of extending the school year and providing students with increased instructional time,” spokesman Brent Ghan said.
…or increased time to be stabbed by the high school’s 26-year old drug dealer, whatever. Same difference. Sure lots of schools, including St. Louis city’s own, are pretty much worthless, but we’re sure they’ll turn it all around during these extra six days. Johnny Dumbass has spent most of the year etching this bitchin’ skull in to the top of his 5th period desk, but June 1st – June 5th will surely be spent cracking the intricate physics involved in time travel.
Mike Wood, a lobbyist for the Missouri State Teachers Association, said increasing the number of hours instead of the number of days might be more significant. He said the schedules used by high-performing districts could serve as a guide.
Shut it, nerd! No one asked how to actually make the kids smarter, we just wanted to know what the average school year length is so we can fit in and sit with the other states at the cool lunch table, eat nothing but soda and candy bars while talking shit on Montana for being the smelly state that always wears too much denim.
American Traffic Solutions has released a video of some of the “best” red light runners from Missouri, which is notable as it’s finally found a good use for the area’s numerous red-light cameras.
A south St. Louis Subway (Which one? It doesn’t matter. It’s like saying “A St. Charles County Quiktrip.” the statement is so broad its meaningless.) was robbed for a second time over the span of five days: Once on Janurary 7th and then again this morning at 2:30am. The only benefit we can think of for robbing a Subway would be not having to worry about carrying away too much cash, or any bills over $5, and the fact that you could stuff your pockets with their over-priced avocado on the way out the door.
Police say the Subway restaurant on the 4800 block of Chippewa was burglarized around 2:30 Friday morning when the thieves shattered the front glass door.
The suspects grabbed the cash register before quickly fleeing the scene.
The exact amount of money stolen is not known at this time.
Even if Subway was holding a secret US government gold bar stash, it still doesn’t sound worth it to go in there and leave with anything. Oh sure, we believe that Michael Phelps “trains” at Subway, but we’re pretty sure he just thought the explosive diarrhea gave him an edge in the pool. Frankly the IOC should look in to it, because it feels like cheating for one swimmer to have a cheap meat-powered ass jet engine. As for Subway’s other #1 fan Michael Strahan (above)? We can’t figure out why he likes it other than maybe he’s using the foot-long sandwiches as dental floss, but that really doesn’t seem like a good idea.
It’s true! As reported by Deadspin yesterday, Elaine LaRussa, wife of former Cardinal skipper Tony LaRussa, is a huge metal head. This is so awesome we might cry.
Deadspin retold the tail from Robb Flynn, the lead singer of metal band Machine Head, where Elaine accosted him in a Whole Foods:
Flash back to about a year and a half ago… I’m walking through Whole Foods in Walnut Creek talking on the phone to my friend Tom when a lady and her daughter approach me wide-eyed. “Are you fucking Robb Flynn?!” … “I could be…” They scream with delight and make a big ol’ to-do, “oh my god, we’re huge fans, I love ‘The Blackening’, I’m Tony La Russa’s wife!” I’m tripped out, they’re both super nice, we take pictures, my friend is laughing his ass off, more about the fact that I was swarmed in a freakin’ Whole Foods than anything else.
They even met with Flynn (and the band) again in a concert in San Francisco:
So, last February we headline The Warfield in San Francisco, and after the show, who walks in but Elaine, Devon and Tony La Russa. A bunch of my Chicago buddies are there and lose their minds, and hilariously begin sneakin’ pictures with him while he’s talking to someone else by “leaning in” and snapping a quick pic (which became the legend known as “The La Russa Lean”).
Oh and here’s the classic “way too in to his craft” Tony LaRussa part:
Tony L blows my mind when he tells me that I “have so much charisma, he wishes he could bottle it and make his players drink it”.
We can just imagine Tony telling that to spunky little Aaron Miles on a bad day (which was most of his days):
Tony: “Aaron, you know you what you need? You need to go to meet Robb Flynn of Machine Head and drink his charisma. San Francisco is a good spot to do that in.”
Aaron: “Anything for you Tony!”
Larry Rice is continuing to petition Belleville, Illinois voters to pass his ballot measure that would demand the city sell him the vacant YMCA building for one dollar…then he’s going to send his army of homeless people out looking for that one dollar. Here’s hoping Belleville will take a sack of pennies as payment.
The Rev. Larry Rice on Monday submitted a 790-signature petition to the St. Clair County Clerk’s Office to force the ballot measure calling for the city to sell the property to his New Life Evangelistic Center in St. Louis for $1. The Belleville News-Democrat reports the referendum could be on the April 9 municipal ballot if the petitions aren’t challenged by Monday.
The mayor and other business owners are not in to the idea because of the large homeless population it would bring to Belleville, which sounds mean but ask any of the people living on Washington if it still sounds mean after you’ve replaced your car window a few times.
“Can’t those people just sleep anywhere?” The mayor probably asked someone. “After you sleep outside for a certain amount of time you grow fur and the cold doesn’t effect you right? It sounds right…ok, I made that up, but jesus Larry can’t we just hold up on adding more reasons for people to think the Metro East is a shitpile?! California is lovely this time of year.”