A St. Charles County court recently sentenced Alexander Long, 23, to 41 months in federal prison and not only is he skinny, but he’s got a head of hair even Full House’s Uncle Jesse would be jealous of.

The only thing we can imagine Alex being guilty of is having a fantastic head of hair of black slik spun from the gods themselves, but there’s some other stuff like threatening a judge and his family. Nothing he couldn’t have gotten out of with one of those quick look back moves like on Charlie’s Angels.

Just to keep the math easy, lets say St. Louis actually takes down 10 criminals a day. 5 of which are released for various reasons and 2 went down in a blaze of gun fire leaving just 3 criminals we need to put in jail. Of those 3, it seems like at least 1 will just walk out in to the street. “Hey you guys coming?!”, he’ll yell at the remaining 2. “Nah. It’s sloppy joe night. We’ll just escape next week. Salisbury steak sucks anyway.”

(Photo: Jeff Smith, right, with one of the guys he met in prison I guess…wait, no. It’s Bill Streeter.)

Jeff Smith, the Missouri state senator who was jailed last year after being found that he lied to the feds during questioning about a conspiracy with Voters for Truth to run negative ads against opponent Russ Carnahan, has written a little piece about his time in the clink and in it he answers questions like “What does ‘get chalked’ mean?”, “What’s a prison wallet?”, “Did he stab anyone or become someone’s bitch?” (Answers: “to be murdered”, “your butt” and “inconclusive”)

Three inmates have escaped from the Daviess/DeKalp County jail in Pattonsburg, Missouri by crawling under a fence. They escaped in to the small town with no shoes but wearing their standard-issue prison orange jumpsuit. Obviously, this has the prison and the town on full alert.

Three inmates, including a convicted murderer, escaped from a northwest Missouri jail by crawling under a fence, leading authorities to lock down the surrounding community’s school and to go door-to-door warning residents.

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…but they could barely fill their lungs with the sweet taste of air before getting caught and going right back to jail.

Eric Glenn Gray and Kurt Michael Wallace were discovered hiding in a vacant house in the 5900 block of Wabada at 5:45 p.m.  They were arrested without incident.

Pussies. What ever happened to “You’ll never take me alive!”?

St. Louis Corrections Department Director Gene Stubblefield said Gray and Wallace were being held in the Administrative Segregation Unit at the Workhouse because they had been a problem in the past. While there, they deliberately flooded their cell to gain access to the lobby area. They were allowed to clean their cells, which Stubblefield said is against protocol.

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So here’s the scam: The state of Missouri arrests and jails people.  Sometimes those people leave for whatever “unauthorized” reason, like prisoners that walk away from half-way homes or just those that just straight up escape…and when that happens, the State just takes the money they left in their prison bank accounts.

Is that right?

The Missouri Department of Corrections says “Yes!” but Auditor Susan Montee says “No!”

Call it the $1 million state bonanza, courtesy of escaped prisoners and halfway house walkaways.

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