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November 12, 2012
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Missouri Representative Charlie Davis is thinking out loud about pushing a new law that would put pressure on any sex offenders trying to buy a home in Missouri, and the real estate agent that helps them.
Sex offenders “have the right to live in a community if they want to, but it’s also the right of the families to know if there is a member in their community that is a convicted sex offender against children so we can make sure our children are aware of it and it doesn’t happen to them,” said Davis, R-Webb City.
Great point, but that’s already a law, as sex offenders are required to inform the neighborhood of their sex offender status, and in addition to that notice, anyone can look up area sex offenders via the state-run database and website. So what exactly is it you want to do again Mr. Davis?
The legislation calls for sex offenders who plan to buy property to report their criminal past to their real estate agent. The buyer’s real estate agent would need to disclose a client’s sex offender status to neighbors living within a half-mile after the deal is completed.
…even though the buyer / sex offender himself already has to do this.
The buyer’s real estate agent then would disclose that information in writing before the sale to the real estate agent for the seller.
Is Mr. Davis unaware of the current real estate market? This won’t matter to anyone at all. If you’re selling a house and are lucky enough to even get an offer these days you do not care who’s buying it. A buyer could tell you that “Your basement is perfect for my…um…chemistry set. If I run outside real quick, can you start screaming just so I can see if I can hear you?” and the seller’s response would be: “Sweet, lets do this. Who’s playing the closing costs?”
So in short, because there’s zero logical reason for an agent to incur the extra legal weight of having to tell everyone about their sex offender client, the point of this law is to simply make sure no real estate agent ever wants to help a sex offender find a house in Missouri? Brillant! Now, lets think, are there any flaws in this logic that would make this bill seem totally and completely pointless?
“While we do a lot of real estate business, the whole world doesn’t work through us,” said Sam Licklider, a lobbyist for The Missouri Association of Realtors.
Of course! You could just not use a real estate agent, totally foiling the law that actually doesn’t do a single thing to protect anyone from anything! Too bad Representative Davis, you’ll have to dip back in to the fishbowl full of little pieces of paper with issue buzzwords written on them and think of another new law that doesn’t do anything but sounds important enough that it will help with the next re-election…it’s either that or do actual work.
Diane Franklin, the Missouri Representative from Camdenton, has made the news recently by calling for a 1% sales tax on all violent video games, which is timely not only because of our nation current gun violence debate but also because it’s been a few weeks since a public figure from Missouri stood up, opened their mouth and reminded everyone that Missouri has stupid public figures and to continue to make fun of us for being fat redneck retards.
Franklin claims that the proceeds from the tax would go to mental health and law enforcement programs, but failed to mention the slippery slope of taxing creative expression…eh, I’m sure that will just work itself out. Just don’t start trying to tax anything that Diane Franklin likes, but that would probably be “un-American”. Just a guess.
The good news is this won’t work because it’s stupid, and as the AP points out: “Republican legislative leaders and Democratic governor Jay Nixon both have taken stands against tax increases,” so there you go! Critical hit! 1000 points! Level Up! Next time you want to try to tax something in a sad effort to get your name in the news rather than actually fix the problem Diane Franklin, try taxing this! Ha! (You guys can’t see it, but we’re totally pointing to our crotch right now in an over-exaggerated manner.)
Going forward, Thanksgivings will probably be a little awkward…
Man confesses to brutally beating his parents at their Poplar Bluff home Tuesday evening.
Well, the important thing is that he eventually told the truth. Pretty sure that’s what Bill Cosby told Rudy and we can’t think of a reason why it wouldn’t apply here.
Officers with the Poplar Bluff Police Department were called to the scene at 12 p.m. after a they received a call from a man who said he arrived at the home in the 1900 block of Wilson Street and found two people inside had been beaten.
The victim’s son, Matthew Jenkins placed the original call to police about the beating. He later confessed to the Butler County Major Case Squad that he hit his parents.
Such a lovely boy. Never could tell a lie for too long. Pretty angry though, and always had the hair cut and facial hair stylings of a 90′s movie character. Are the two related? We’ll never know, but yes, probably.
Jenkins told investigators that he repeatedly struck the victims in the head with an aluminum baseball bat.
Never gonna get to the big leagues using aluminum bro! Gotta start beating your parents with a wooden bat. Maybe start trying to beat younger people too, might be more of a challenge for you instead of hitting off the old people tee.
The victims, Carl and Vickie Jenkins, were both transported to area hospitals in critical condition. Both were stabilized.
Matthew Jenkins was charged with two counts of first degree domestic assault and booked at the Butler County Jail.
Glad to hear mom and pop are doing better, while junior heads to jail where destiny has united that 90′s hair and goatee with the a little too deep v-neck he was born to wear. Here’s hoping they hand out plaid flannel button down shirts when it gets chilly in jail.
This guy has some bacon, but he doesn’t like bacon, so instead of just returning the bacon from where it came from or throwing away the bacon, he decided the only option was to put it on Craigslist. Why didn’t he just give it to a friend…oh never mind. Starting to feel a little bit sorry for lonely bacon Cragistlist guy.
Free bacon, I just don’t like bacon, serious inquires only, drop a text at **********
Yeah guys! Serious inquires only! No one better ask him if they can have his free bacon, but then not really want the free bacon! He doesn’t have time for those games.
The police are looking for a new flasher showing his central south front area to the ladies of the Central West End area. The lonely gentleman has reportedly let it hang several times last weekend alone, which begs the question: Isn’t the summer or spring the better time to be a flasher? It’s awfully cold to be letting the little general out. I guess it wasn’t as cold last weekend, but still you’re probably not doing yourself any favors by whipping it out between November and March.
According to police, the suspect has been spotted driving through the area in a late 1990s green Pontiac Grand Am with tinted windows. The car has temporary tags with a back spoiler.
Police said the man pulls up to unsuspecting women, gets out of his car, and drops his pants.
Woah, wait. That ride is a certified pussy magnet, so this is starting to sound like several consecutive misunderstandings. This dude is just assuming that most ladies will see that ride…with a spoiler and tinted windows remember…and immediately want to put his penis inside of them. Which totally checks out, meaning the only explanation is that this guy is riding one long unlucky string of rolling up to prudes. He’s the victim here! Hang in, er out, there buddy!
Anyone seeing a vehicle matching the description is asked to alert authorities immediately.
Probably won’t happen because the shock and disgust won’t set in until well after the initial reaction of relief subsides. Fact facts: If you’re walking in St. Louis and a dude rolls up on you staring daggers with his hands down his pants, we both know you’re praying the worst thing he’s going to point at shoot at you with is his junk. You can always buy a new sweater.
Image of Jennifer Lawrence, because it’s my site and I don’t want to post something more appropriate for this story. I didn’t used to think she was all that cute, but she’s growing on me, so congratulations to you Ms. Lawrence! Also, congrats on the Golden Globe which probably means nothing to you know after my recent admission.
Governor Jay Nixon knows that his state’s schools are lagging behind the rest of the country, which has an effect on the state’s economy as the stupid kids don’t tend to move as much, so he’s got a plan to fix it. It’s been budgeted, the schools are on board and it’s genius. Are you ready? Here it is: Missouri schools will now be required to extend their school year by six days!
“To stay competitive in today’s economy, Missouri’s students should be in the classroom as much as their peers in other states,” said Nixon, a Democrat. “Extending Missouri’s school year by just six instructional days will bring our state in line with the national average while increasing educational opportunities for every student.”
Hell yeah! Lets just extend the school year by six days because those last six days are when all the big topics get handled, and lets just do six days rather than, you know, more than that because we just want to reach for the average stars. Take note kids!
“There is a lot of merit to the idea of extending the school year and providing students with increased instructional time,” spokesman Brent Ghan said.
…or increased time to be stabbed by the high school’s 26-year old drug dealer, whatever. Same difference. Sure lots of schools, including St. Louis city’s own, are pretty much worthless, but we’re sure they’ll turn it all around during these extra six days. Johnny Dumbass has spent most of the year etching this bitchin’ skull in to the top of his 5th period desk, but June 1st – June 5th will surely be spent cracking the intricate physics involved in time travel.
Mike Wood, a lobbyist for the Missouri State Teachers Association, said increasing the number of hours instead of the number of days might be more significant. He said the schedules used by high-performing districts could serve as a guide.
Shut it, nerd! No one asked how to actually make the kids smarter, we just wanted to know what the average school year length is so we can fit in and sit with the other states at the cool lunch table, eat nothing but soda and candy bars while talking shit on Montana for being the smelly state that always wears too much denim.