Thanks to the Riverfront Times for once again honoring us with a RFT Web Award. We even showed up to the award show, making a rare public appearance to meet with the fans and lean on a wall while tweeting jokes that never did get to show up on the big Twitter wall thing they had. Damn censors.
The show was quite the spectacle. RFT’s Chad Garrison really took to the role of host (think James Franco at the Oscars) which only turned out to the be pre-show, as the impromptu freaky dance party that followed the awards portion really stole the show, and cost us a few grand in therapy ones those memories un-repress themselves in 10 years.
Nothing is sacred at Punching Kitty. Author Mike Flynn, a 2011 RFT Web Awards winner, calls the site The Daily Show, but for St. Louis. Flynn’s witty and sarcastic view on St. Louis crime, politics and general happenings kept us laughing, post after post. Only someone with genuine St. Louis pride could know how to make fun of his city so well.
Here’s the actual award:
The award wasn’t labeled, but don’t worry, we took care of that ourselves.
The local legend, and 1st mate on the SS Crazy Old Man, Chuck Berry was given a lifetime achievement award by the St. Louis Arts and Education Council Monday at the Chase Park Plaza Hotel.
…and yes, he was wearing that damn captain’s hat.
Berry is one of the pioneers of rock `n’ roll with a string of hits that included “Maybellene, “Sweet Little Sixteen” and “Johnny B. Goode.” He still performs every month at Blueberry Hill in the St. Louis suburb of University City. A statue of him stands on the University City Loop.
The award ceremony marked the council’s 50th anniversary.
Good for Chuck. Hell of a guy, and it’s a damn shame that his home town of Wentzville, Missouri continually chooses to ignore his existence. But seriously, that hat. Always with the damn hat. The RFT has a slide show of the event and the hat is the star. It doesn’t make any sense and it’s way past time for him to address the hat situation. Why that hat? Who told you looked good? Is it attached to your head? Is it keeping your brains in? Can you feel this when I touch your hat? Do you think the hat is magic? How are you keeping it so clean? Do you have a closet full of these hats at home? Why haven’t you been promoted to Admiral by now?
Part of us wants to believe that he’s a brilliant troll, wearing the hat constantly to make us wonder because he lost a bet or just decided “You know what would be funny? I’m just going to start wearing this hat all the time.” …that would be awesome if true, but then you notice that he’s also always wearing a bolo tie and you realize that he’s just old and crazy. Awesome, but old and crazy.
Missouri Representative Charlie Davis is thinking out loud about pushing a new law that would put pressure on any sex offenders trying to buy a home in Missouri, and the real estate agent that helps them.
Sex offenders “have the right to live in a community if they want to, but it’s also the right of the families to know if there is a member in their community that is a convicted sex offender against children so we can make sure our children are aware of it and it doesn’t happen to them,” said Davis, R-Webb City.
Great point, but that’s already a law, as sex offenders are required to inform the neighborhood of their sex offender status, and in addition to that notice, anyone can look up area sex offenders via the state-run database and website. So what exactly is it you want to do again Mr. Davis?
The legislation calls for sex offenders who plan to buy property to report their criminal past to their real estate agent. The buyer’s real estate agent would need to disclose a client’s sex offender status to neighbors living within a half-mile after the deal is completed.
…even though the buyer / sex offender himself already has to do this.
The buyer’s real estate agent then would disclose that information in writing before the sale to the real estate agent for the seller.
Is Mr. Davis unaware of the current real estate market? This won’t matter to anyone at all. If you’re selling a house and are lucky enough to even get an offer these days you do not care who’s buying it. A buyer could tell you that “Your basement is perfect for my…um…chemistry set. If I run outside real quick, can you start screaming just so I can see if I can hear you?” and the seller’s response would be: “Sweet, lets do this. Who’s playing the closing costs?”
So in short, because there’s zero logical reason for an agent to incur the extra legal weight of having to tell everyone about their sex offender client, the point of this law is to simply make sure no real estate agent ever wants to help a sex offender find a house in Missouri? Brillant! Now, lets think, are there any flaws in this logic that would make this bill seem totally and completely pointless?
“While we do a lot of real estate business, the whole world doesn’t work through us,” said Sam Licklider, a lobbyist for The Missouri Association of Realtors.
Of course! You could just not use a real estate agent, totally foiling the law that actually doesn’t do a single thing to protect anyone from anything! Too bad Representative Davis, you’ll have to dip back in to the fishbowl full of little pieces of paper with issue buzzwords written on them and think of another new law that doesn’t do anything but sounds important enough that it will help with the next re-election…it’s either that or do actual work.
Diane Franklin, the Missouri Representative from Camdenton, has made the news recently by calling for a 1% sales tax on all violent video games, which is timely not only because of our nation current gun violence debate but also because it’s been a few weeks since a public figure from Missouri stood up, opened their mouth and reminded everyone that Missouri has stupid public figures and to continue to make fun of us for being fat redneck retards.
Franklin claims that the proceeds from the tax would go to mental health and law enforcement programs, but failed to mention the slippery slope of taxing creative expression…eh, I’m sure that will just work itself out. Just don’t start trying to tax anything that Diane Franklin likes, but that would probably be “un-American”. Just a guess.
The good news is this won’t work because it’s stupid, and as the AP points out: “Republican legislative leaders and Democratic governor Jay Nixon both have taken stands against tax increases,” so there you go! Critical hit! 1000 points! Level Up! Next time you want to try to tax something in a sad effort to get your name in the news rather than actually fix the problem Diane Franklin, try taxing this! Ha! (You guys can’t see it, but we’re totally pointing to our crotch right now in an over-exaggerated manner.)
Going forward, Thanksgivings will probably be a little awkward…
Man confesses to brutally beating his parents at their Poplar Bluff home Tuesday evening.
Well, the important thing is that he eventually told the truth. Pretty sure that’s what Bill Cosby told Rudy and we can’t think of a reason why it wouldn’t apply here.
Officers with the Poplar Bluff Police Department were called to the scene at 12 p.m. after a they received a call from a man who said he arrived at the home in the 1900 block of Wilson Street and found two people inside had been beaten.
The victim’s son, Matthew Jenkins placed the original call to police about the beating. He later confessed to the Butler County Major Case Squad that he hit his parents.
Such a lovely boy. Never could tell a lie for too long. Pretty angry though, and always had the hair cut and facial hair stylings of a 90′s movie character. Are the two related? We’ll never know, but yes, probably.
Jenkins told investigators that he repeatedly struck the victims in the head with an aluminum baseball bat.
Never gonna get to the big leagues using aluminum bro! Gotta start beating your parents with a wooden bat. Maybe start trying to beat younger people too, might be more of a challenge for you instead of hitting off the old people tee.
The victims, Carl and Vickie Jenkins, were both transported to area hospitals in critical condition. Both were stabilized.
Matthew Jenkins was charged with two counts of first degree domestic assault and booked at the Butler County Jail.
Glad to hear mom and pop are doing better, while junior heads to jail where destiny has united that 90′s hair and goatee with the a little too deep v-neck he was born to wear. Here’s hoping they hand out plaid flannel button down shirts when it gets chilly in jail.
This guy has some bacon, but he doesn’t like bacon, so instead of just returning the bacon from where it came from or throwing away the bacon, he decided the only option was to put it on Craigslist. Why didn’t he just give it to a friend…oh never mind. Starting to feel a little bit sorry for lonely bacon Cragistlist guy.
Free bacon, I just don’t like bacon, serious inquires only, drop a text at **********
Yeah guys! Serious inquires only! No one better ask him if they can have his free bacon, but then not really want the free bacon! He doesn’t have time for those games.