People Shocked in Granite City Pool

Six people were shocked while swimming in a Granite City swimming pool over the weekend, and while everyone is fine, the question remains: Why were they shocked? Was there a loose wire in some part of the pool? Was there some foul play afoot? …or was it something more obvious? Maybe they were shocked when uncle Jerry belly flopped his suit right off…or maybe they were shocked only after finding out that Granite City is actually in Illinois and finally realized why their house was so cheap. [Read More]

Squirrel Takes Out Power to Two Thousand Granite City Residents

A squirrel who hopped in to the Ameren Illinois “distribution line” caused nearly 2,000 customers to lose power Sunday morning. Ameren Illinois spokesperson Natalie Hemmer says a squirrel got into a distribution line Sunday morning, knocking out service to 1,904 customers. Granite City was the area mostly affected. Early thoughts were that the squirrel was suicidal over the lost of Macho Man Randy Savage, while others believed that the rodent was a fervent rapture believer and couldn’t stand the shame of seeing his fellow squirrels on Monday. [Read More]

We’re Pretty Sure Nate Dogg Robbed a Granite City Cash Store

Ok, ok you’re pretty sure Nate Dogg’s dead right? We were too…until…seriously, hang in there with us for a second…we saw this security camera still taken from the Granite City, Illinois Advanced America Cash Advance (Where the second “advance” means advance!) store. …and then remembered this: Ok, so that’s definitely Nate Dogg, who isn’t dead, and/or has now become a zombie. No word on Eazy E’s status as of yet, but he had AIDS…and um…AIDS even takes out zombies we figure, so he might just still be dead. [Read More]

Joseph Emil Klug Has a Horrible Name and Lots of Kiddie Porn

Joseph Emil Klug has two things that will follow him to the grave: Joseph Emil Klug has to be one of the worst names of all time. Can you imagine having that societal lead weight at the top of every grade school test and the bottom of every check you sign? “Beverly, I love you. Will you be Mrs. Joey Emil Klug?” “Eww. Pass.” It’s hard to mess up a solid, no nonsense name like Joseph, but they freaking did it. [Read More]