People Shocked in Granite City Pool

Six people were shocked while swimming in a Granite City swimming pool over the weekend, and while everyone is fine, the question remains: Why were they shocked?

Was there a loose wire in some part of the pool? Was there some foul play afoot? …or was it something more obvious? Maybe they were shocked when uncle Jerry belly flopped his suit right off…or maybe they were shocked only after finding out that Granite City is actually in Illinois and finally realized why their house was so cheap. It could have also been the total shock of Amy Winehouse dying, because weren’t we all surprised to see the reports of the “Rehab” singer being found on the floor of her flat? It may have been drugs, it could have been a body giving up after being so ugly for so long, or maybe there was a giant tumor under than beehive, who knows*!

The lesson for today? Drugs and Granite City pools are bad. They are both shocking and leave you dead or in the hospital when you could have been sitting on the couch in an air-conditioned house thinking of pun-based blog posts with a forced celebrity news tie-in.

Also, please please please if anything happens to us in the future, don’t let KMOV’s Brian Feldman (we would have linked to a bio, but KMOV doesn’t have one of him) do the live shot in his “radio voice” (watch the video on this KMOV story page). Someone grab him ahead of time and tell him to just talk normal. His voice makes the news like watching a really serious gameshow. We keep watching the news thinking he’s going to end the segment by giving the family “…a brand new Ford Mustang!” God we hope he makes them play Plinko first, it’s the best!

  • It was drugs.

via KMOV