Brad Penny Was Totally Going to Pitch For the Cardinals in the Playoffs, but Well, You Know

Former Cardinal and perma-injured starting pitcher Brad Penny has been 20 times more interesting this off-season that he was in his official time as a Cardinal. To review, Penny signed with the Cardinals and pitched nine games all season. He hit a grad slam in that ninth game and never came back. Brillant! It’s a theatre technique called a “black out”. Look it up. Since the season’s conclusion, Penny has filled his time by whining on Twitter and getting dumped on by everyone. [Read More]

Nobody Likes Ex-Cardinal Pitcher Brad Penny

Poor poor Brad Penny, he just wants people to like him, which in today’s society means he needs more Twitter “followers”. Apparently he needs as many as possible so that all the people in the world can enjoy Penny exploring the deepest caverns of the human existence on Twitter with questions like: “Any ideas on what movie we should c tonight?“ He would come over and toss you a baseball but…you know…his arm might fall off which would mean trouble for the right-hander’s plans to get another team to give him millions for 3 or 4 starts and free access to the team’s training facilities. [Read More]

Brad Penny is Sorry for Being a Dead-Beat Pitcher

Brad Penny, he of his hot girlfriend, perfectly square head and a handful of games as a Cardinal in 2010, took to Twitter yesterday to say he’s sorry for not being around much this year. He’ll tell you what though! Next time, he’s going to pick us all up one weekend, take us for ice cream, go to a movie, and then the park! Anything you want Cardinal fans, it’ll be your day! [Read More]

Brad Penny Has a Perfectly Square Head

Look at that picture of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Brad Penny. That is one square head and neck combo is it not? Is that attractive? Do girls like heads that look like a tree stump with ears glued on the side? Is this what you want? Eliza Dushku, Alyssa Milano, and whoever the hell this chick is apparently all think so as Penny has dipped in to each of their pine tar at one point or another. [Read More]

Brad Penny’s Girlfriend is Straight Bangin’ Yo

I feel like we let you down. We were right on top of Matt Holliday’s wife, but we missed new Cardinal starting pitcher Brad Penny’s sexier half! Luckily Cardinals Diaspora has it covered. Wait, Brad Penny? The Pitcher? I did a double take too, friends. But it’s true. And lucky for us he decided to take his babe to Turks & Caicos last week and have her play catch. On the beach. [Read More]