Former Cardinal and perma-injured starting pitcher Brad Penny has been 20 times more interesting this off-season that he was in his official time as a Cardinal. To review, Penny signed with the Cardinals and pitched nine games all season. He hit a grad slam in that ninth game and never came back. Brillant! It’s a theatre technique called a “black out”. Look it up. Since the season’s conclusion, Penny has filled his time by whining on Twitter and getting dumped on by everyone.
Last week, Penny signed with Detroit Tigers, apparently they had a spot open on the trainer’s table, and in his press conference had this to say about his health while with the Cardinals:
Penny made only nine starts with St. Louis a season ago before being sidelined with a back injury, but the right-hander says he was preparing to return before the Cardinals fell short of the postseason.
“I was throwing at the end of the year in case we made the playoffs,” he said on a conference call with reporters recently.
Sure you were buddy. Totally believe that.
“Dudes I’m back! I can totally pitch again! Arm feels great! Oh man I can’t wait to get out there and…what’s going on guys? Oh. The season’s over. Darn I was so ready to get out there and help the team too! Oh well. …Guess I’ll just grab these sacks here with the green dollar signs on them and be hitting that ole dusty trail…Really great meeting you guys! Byyyee!”
…and now, like the Cardinals of 2010, the Detroit Tigers have signed Penny to one year deal, as if Detroit needed more things to talk a big game about how everything is great and then crap the bed and whine how it’s not their fault. We aren’t sure how one could spin the economy in to being the reason why Penny’s arm will fall off in mid-June, but we can’t wait to hear the explanation.