Tips for the Chicagoan Visiting St. Louis

Editor’s Note: This post was sent to us from a guest writer, Lance K. I gotta say when I first read this, I thought “I don’t remember writing this!” so I thought this was the perfect post to ease in our Guest Author feature. If you have any interest in guest authoring a post here, drop me a line at editor@punchingkitty.com

…also love that he’s clinging to the “VP Fair” name. We are too.

Tips For Chicagoans Visiting St. Louis for the VP Fair

  • The VP fair is this weekend, so downtown will be a hellish menagerie of boorish suburbanites, grifters, confused tourists and gangsters. Being from Chicago, you likely won’t notice. Also, please remember it’s “VP” not “VIP”. I’d explain what it means but no one here really knows for sure. It’s some sort of quasi-cultic frat prank gone mainstream – that’s all we can say for sure.

  • St. Louis is like Australia for Chicagoans. Just remember that if you get lost while in STL and have to choose between going north or south, choose south. Always err to the south.

  • If you’re using public transit and you get lost, wait for a bus and ask the driver if he’s heading toward the train. 50% of the time he will be. If you can get to the train, you’ll be able to find just about anything.

  • If you’re not using public transportation and you want to go to Forest Park on a gorgeous holiday weekend, change your mind and use the train. People from west county go there on the weekends, and all of them drive massive SUVs. You will not find parking and will spend the entire day watching Finding Nemo through the back window of an Expedition.

  • Find Cherokee street and have lunch. If you see antique stores, you’re on the wrong end. Head west until you hear Tejano music. Get some tacos at La Vallesana and poke around the hipster doodad stores. You’ll see a little store that seems to sell only cotton balls and white t-shirts. Things are not what they seem.

  • On Saturday morning go to Tower Grove park and follow the trail of granola moms to the Farmers Market. There will be music and fresh crepes and amish men selling beets. There will be children laughing as they splash about in a fountain on a beautiful, warm Saturday morning. Pretty girls will walk by lugging yoga mats while a man who looks like Allen Ginsberg considers his carrots. You will sit on stone steps in the dappled shade while life careens and darts around you in a never ending swirl of colors and light. There will be goat cheese.†

  • Find Fred’s Six Feet Under. Bring ears and a personality.

  • There’s a place called Crown Candy that would be fun to visit as long as you are escorted there by someone who knows exactly how to get there.

  • The City Museum is our Shedd’s Aquarium. If you tell people you’re visiting St. Louis they will all recommend you visit it. Upon returning everyone will ask if you went there. It’s really the only thing we have that isn’t a down market copy of something in another city. We’re very proud.

  • If you go to the top of the Arch, be sure to describe the experience to a native St. Louisan as they have likely never had the experience.

† Upon further reflection, I’m starting to think the guy who was selling the “organic mushrooms” from a blanket on the outskirts of the market was *not* a real farmer.