And the Crown Goes To…! A Pageant Retrospective in Jaw Distension

Tonight, 52 lovely contestants will be competing for the crown of “Miss America 2009” and I, for one, cannot wait. The event is broadcast live and I admit it – I don’t watch for the beautiful dresses or the always eloquent Q&A period. No, every year, I find myself holding my breath, half-hoping that one of the girls will fall flat on her face, a la Rachael Smith at the 2007 Miss Universe Pageant. Or in the grand tradition of Chrystle Stewart, who did the exact same thing in 2008. (This is the best we can do for the good old US of A? I’m so proud!) For those that missed it, I have included a clip of the horror below:

Those are some treacherous heels, ladies. Perhaps Miss USA will err on the side of caution and wear tennis shoes this year?

Another of my favorite pageant moments? The awarding of the crown. These women, beautiful though they may be, always manage to look like stroke victims with Tourette’s when their name is announced. You want proof? I did some digging and found the crowning moments from the past 5 “Miss Missouri” pageant winners to back up my claim.

Here’s Miss Missouri 2004, Whitney Weeks:


2005 winner, Stacie Cooley:


The 2006 winner, Sarah French:


And Miss Missouri 2007, Lindsay Casmaer:


Here’s 2008 winner, Lacey Fitzgerald, who will be representing the state of Missouri this evening:


I am so proud to call these girls my own. They can open their mouths wider than anyone I have ever seen. This bodes well for their boyfriends. I think they should introduce these skills in the talent portion of the pageant. “Look everyone, here’s my impression of a viper!”

I have to ask – why do these women always look so surprised? All rumors of rigging aside, you know they have to imagine that they will win – otherwise, why compete? I can only imagine that they think these displays of false humility make them more approachable and attractive to their audiences. Really, they just give me a really good giggle… but either way, I will be watching for them tonight!

Long live Miss Missouri!