Sorry for disappearing for a couple of days, but don’t go off and be a stripper just yet, daddy’s back. Give us a hug! (Hug your monitor. Don’t leave us hanging.)

High school is a weird place where the acne-addled hive-mind will occasionally decide something is cool despite that fact that no, it is not…actually it’s way past not cool, like 5 exits past not cool, and it’s getting a fountain soda at the gas station off of WTF Road.

Here’s what went down: Seven JV football players and a special education student have all been suspended after the JV jocks got the other kid to jack off on the bus while they filmed it with their cell phones on the way back from a cancelled football game.

No, we’re not making that up and Mr. Blockquote has our back:

Fort Zumwalt Superintendent Bernard DuBray said that the special education student masturbated after “some of the other kids goaded him on.” Some of the students recorded it on their cellphones.

Seven students – including the special education student – were suspended after an unnamed student later in the week contacted the school resource officer, a St. Peters police officer stationed at the school. The officer told the school administration, which investigated.

We can see it now…

[wavy lines, fades to dream scene with the edges of the shot blurred.]

“Aww dude. No way, this kid is actually gonna jack off on the bus!”

“Where’s my iPhone bro, I gotta record this. He’s so gay!”

“Yeah bro. This dude is totally gay!”

Oh man bros, you got that bro so hard! You sure showed that Special Ed. kid who’s boss, because you are the smart guys who talked a dude in to jacking off while you filmed it. Yup, pure genius. You win guys! Total high school legends! What specifically will you be legends for again? Sure, we’ll repeat it with emphasis: **You made a Special Ed. guy jack off, while you filmed it. **Seriously. That’s what you did. You found a guy that you knew would do anything you wanted him to, and out of all the endless options of things you could have said, you decided the best course for you and your friends was to ask him to jack off while you filmed it. Not the choice we would have made, but…um…good for you we guess. Hope it was worth the suspension and this story, which tons of people will read and probably share online.

Enjoy the rest of your high school hetrosexuality facade guys! You may also find this South Park clip particularly poignant: