It snuck up on us this year, but here we are, Halloween. Do you have a costume? No?! Well don’t worry. We got your back, like we have the past few years (2011, 2010, 2009):

1. The Cardinals

Show up to the party and be pretty great for a few hours and then just fall on your face. Get up and go back to being good until right at the end of the night where you’ll need to start coughing and continually choking until someone comes up and asks you to leave.

…oh and wear a Cardinals jersey or something.

2. Todd Akin

Go get a Six Flags dancing old guy costume, but instead of dancing tell any rape victims at the party that they’re whores.

3. A South Grand Hooker

This is less of a costume and more of a business opportunity as you have to be better looking than the current set of trolls wandering around out there. There’s opportunity in a tough job market out there if you want it, just sayin’.

4. An East St. Louis Zombie

You could really go two ways with this: 1. The traditional route with lots of bullet holes and dead person makeup, or 2. Just go like a normal looking guy, and explain that while not all of you has oozing bleeding skin with parts falling off, a certain region of you is just like that after one fateful amateur night in the “Champagne Room”.

5. A Food Truck

On second thought, don’t do this one. You’ll have hipsters in tight jeans and mustaches chasing you on their old timey bikes all night while yelling about how great St. Louis’ food scene is now and it totally makes up for all the murders.

—

Naturally, none of the above are valid costumes for those of you that are attractive ladies. You need to be out there, pushing your breasts out in one of any number of costumes like: Sexy Policewoman, Sexy Kitty, Sexy Lunch Lady, or Sexy Civil War Era School Marm. And for the fellas, be sure to check out “Slutty Halloween“, from the makers of Punching Kitty, which crawls Instagram to find  you the best of the best of the latest slutty Halloween costumes!

photo credit: Slutty Halloween