The Cardinals have the chance to kick the upstart Nationals out of the playoff today (It’s at 3pm. You don’t have a job by chance do you? Eh. That sucks.) and that’s awesome because…um, that’s the team we root for, but also because phenom Bryce Harper could stand to get a little more of the douche kicked out of him.
There are some things we like about Bryce Harper, but that’s a boring list, so here’s the top 5 reasons why Bryce Harper is a douche…and ok, here’s one thing: We dig the smeared eye black.
#5 Really? A freaking mohawk with a rat tail?
Yes, even some of the Cardinals rock a mohawk, but someone Bryce’s version manages to crank up the douche. Maybe it’s because of the rat tail he left on, or maybe it’s because he somehow managed to Justin Bieber-tize a mohawk by adding floppy bangs, or maybe…actually the first two are plenty.
#4 He’s a dick to reporters
The St. Louis Post Dispatch’s Rick Hummel is a lot of things. He’s a Hall of Fame baseball writer for one, but he’s also apparently a pretty nice guy (ok, so he’s at least two things) and so when Rick “The Commish” Hummel asked a simple question to Harper the other day about whether he was anxious in his first postseason, it just made Harper’s dickhead response all the more douchy.
Hummel: “Do you find yourself to be over anxious? Trying to do too much in your first at bats?”
Harper: (Cutting off Hummel) “Do I look over anxious? You think so?”
Hummel: “I think so…”
Harper: “Maybe you should be the hitting coach.”
What a little prick! It wasn’t even that bad of an implication! He should be a little anxious and the question really implied that he’s a great hitter and only missing because of the excitement of his first playoffs at the age of 19. But no, apparently it hurt little Bryce’s feelings. When you’re done being a bitch to reporters, you might want to take a look at the stats and then actually hire Hummel as your hitting coach because, guess what…
#3 He can’t hit in the playoffs
Baring a huge day this afternoon, Harper is currently hitting .066 in the playoffs, including yesterday’s 0 – 5 performance that ended with the last out of the game.
Oh Bryce. If you don’t want to hire Rick Hummel as your hitting coach, maybe you should try something to snap of your funk? Don’t do anything too wacky though because it will only lead to further list items…
#2 He thought red-tinted contacts would help him.
Someone’s getting desperate! Good thing those red contacts are totally proven to help you see the baseball better.
So-called performance-tinted contacts make two separate claims. The first is that they reduce glare, just like eye black or ordinary sunglasses. In this regard, it’s pretty clear the contacts deliver. The second claim, that they make target objects like baseballs visually “pop” by filtering out certain wavelengths of light, is more controversial. In a 2007 experiment, college and professional football players were fitted with both clear and tinted lenses, and then asked to pick out a series of curved lines that blended with increasing subtlety into a blurred, visually-noisy background. The players wearing amber-tinted lenses performed better in the laboratory, suggesting that the contacts made good on their marketing claims. The author of the study, however, questioned whether the lenses would make any practical difference. (source: Slate)
0 – 5.
#1 He trademarked “That’s a clown question bro.”
Lastly, we all know about Harper’s now famous “That’s a clown question bro.” when he was a dick to yet another reporter earlier this year, but did you know he later applied for a trademark on the term and licensed it to Under Armour so they could make dumb douchy Under Armour-style shirts with a odd variant of the quote? Well, now you do.
…
For the record, we do like Harper’s girlfriend. She’s one of those broads who like to take picture of her and a friend double-teaming long slender food items and upload the pic to the internet (she’s on the right):
That’s a keeper right there Bryce!
Oh and go get em Cardinals!