Kevin Helfrich Held the Key to a Man’s Heart New Year’s Eve

Kevin Helfrich stabbed a guy with a key in the chest. A freaking key! Sure make the whole “You have the key to my heart.” euphemism sound a little more macabre now.

Kevin Helfrich, 48, is charged with aggravated battery after stabbing a man with a knife and key outside the Kountry Korner Tavern near Milstadt, Illinois.

The victim suffered a collapsed lung in the altercation and is listed in stable condition.

Oh, and a knife. Still, the key part sounds pretty interesting and lots of details need to be filled in. Was it a normal house key. or  a longer car key. Was it a electronic key? Those cost a lot to replace, so lets hope not. We hope it was one of those switchblade keys like BMWs have since that would be awesome if he flipped it out all bad-ass like before he stabbed him with it (and then the knife), but seeing as how this went down on the east side of town in a place called Kountry Korner Tavern, we’re guessing there weren’t a lot of BMWs in the parking lot that night. Call it a hunch.

Can you imagine what a guy has to say that so bad you reach for your keys and stab him in the chest? Not even sure what you could say to make us do that since we are usually super calm and cool. Maybe if you accidentally made eye contact with us, or you stepped on our new white hightop shoes. They’re special because they have cushions of air in the bottom which makes our vertical game that much more amazing. They also light up when we run and have a little zipper pocket in the tongue where we can store stuff like three pennies or a tightly folded up note that we wrote to that girl we like but probably won’t end up giving it to her. The future is now!

via KMOV