Cardinals Catcher Jason LaRue Retires Because of Johnny Cueto

Remember a few weeks ago when the Cardinals were all charged up and going against the upstart Cincinnati Reds and then they all got in that big fight because Brandon Phillips was all like “the Cardinals are bitches” and then in the game Phillips was like “Hey Yadi whats up?” and Yadi was all like “Don’t tap me bro!”, then the fight broke out and Reds’ pitcher Johnny Cueto started kicking Carptener in the back and Jason LaRue in the head a bunch of times and we were pissed because we missed the whole thing live because we were making a turkey sandwich? Well that sandwich was great and LaRue just retired because of the concussion he got that night. The trick is brown mustard…not for concussions…for sandwiches. We’re fairly certain brown mustard does little to nothing for concussions.

“I was going to retire on my own terms,” LaRue said, according to the report. “It’s unfortunate that the blow that decided it came from someone kicking me in the head with spikes. I wouldn’t say I would change things if you could rewrite history. They say things happen for certain reasons. In this case, I couldn’t tell you why. Does it suck that my career is over because Johnny Cueto started kicking me in the head? Yes, it sucks.

“I expected to walk away when I felt it was right. The bottom line: It’s unfortunate.”

This sucks. Being forced to retire because of a concussion is one thing, and can’t be very pleasant (right Mike Matheny?) but to be forced to shut it down because some pussy bitch was kicking you in the head? That sucks really hard, but concussions are serious shit as the aforementioned Matheny and friend-of-the-site and former Ram Kyle Turley can tell you.

Look, its not like LaRue’s career was all that noteworthy, but he had his ok years, ironically with the Reds. and of course Tony La Russa loved him some scrappy veterans so he found a job here. Also of note are LaRue’s relief-pitcher level facial hair that he later shaved off to some level of dismay.

It’s cold comfort for LaRue but his little Rockettes try-out looks to be sticking with Cueto for a while. Check out the search suggestions for Johnny Cueto:

You’re a giant douche Johnny Cueto…but Brian Anderson probably like “aww man, that sucks Jason” while fighting back a smile since now he can be the Cardinals backup catcher next year because everyone knows LaRue was on the “Aaron Miles” list, meaning he had a job here forever. “…this is a really good idea, you retiring…so…you need help with your stuff or…um…nevermind take your time I need to go excitedly call my mom anyway.”

LaRue had reported considered legal action against Cueto but has since decided against it.

via ESPN