Um Your Thumb Drive is Poking Me in the Back. Oh Wait. It’s Your Penis.

Let us set the scene…

You’re working away on your term paper at your campus computer lab. Its cold in here, and why do all computer labs always smell like this? On top of that, where the hell do you even go to buy an orange plastic chair? Weird. It’s getting hot in here now. Damn! Really hot. Its like the air vent is blowing hot air right on the back of my neck. Whatever…keep going…you have to finish this paper by…is that a penis being shoved in to my back?

Sure was!

The incident occurred at approximately 3:05 pm at the public computers located on the first floor of the Millennium Student Center. The victim reported that the suspect sat in a chair directly behind her, and as she was using the computer she felt something touch the lower portion of her back. The victim said when she turned to see what he was doing the suspect was breathing heavily, had exposed himself and was simulating sex on her back. When she turned around the suspect immediately ran from the area and up the escalator. The victim also immediately got up and left the area.

This man isn’t a perv! He’s trying to show you…with his penis…that the world has just gotten too damn complicated. Why do we as a human race have to go through the long and tiresome mating rituals pushed upon us by a more stuck up long gone generation? You think a girl is pretty? Take your penis out and show her! …maybe breath on her neck a little bit.  Girls, you think that guy over there is the so hot he must be the author of a local humor blog? Flip that skirt up and present yourself! We don’t have time to be wasting our lives with coffee dates and waiting for eye contact…if it works for elephants in the zoo, its good enough for us.

…nah this guy is a total sick f*ck. The cops are closing in though, they found his Facebook profile ( You know that guy? Call the cops on that sick bastard.

Oh and also maybe if you are tired of getting skeezed out by the guys in computer labs that whip their dick out when they see a banner ad with a chick on it…buy a damn computer! Freaking things cost like a few hundred bucks now. If you all just don’t spend $200 on the Landing one weekend (plus the cost of getting your car window fixed) you can buy your own laptop and the computer labs on campuses all around the world will be reduced to just a bunch of dudes with their dick hanging out of their pants touching each other in the back.

…which is also called a Creed concert.

via Globe Democrat