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1. Rams’ Steven Jackson vs Cardinals’ Albert Pujols

The two faces of their franchises and two nice guys, beating the hell out each other.  Should be awesome.

Winner? Pujols. Steven Jackson is great, but Pujols never loses.

2. KMOV’s Virginia Kerr vs KTVI’s April Simpson

There’s history here, which will make this a sellout for sure.  Some would see this and think this is some testosterone-fueled idea to see to chicks brawl and they’d be right, if they thought I wanted this to be in bikinis, which I don’t!  I want this fight in the fancy “you should trust me because I’m non-threatening” outfits. Yup, this will be one classy fight.

Also note that this one would have to be in jell-o.

Winner? Virginia Kerr in an upset! She just seems scrappy.

3. St. Louis Rams vs Mizzou Tigers

Sure the sane sports fan in us says “The Rams may be 1-15, but they are still professionals and will wax the floor with a college team.” …the other side of me says “Prove it.”

Winner? Rams. It’ll be closer than it should be though.

4. Charles Jaco vs Adam Sharp

…wait. This one already happened and it was really really really gay.  Not like “I can’t get married because rednecks are scared of me”, but just like…you know…gay.

Winner? No one…or both.  Ties are confusing, They are both lame.  Did that clear it up?

5. Axel Rose vs St. Louis

First there was this…and now its the rematch of the century!  No, no no: F*ck you Axel!

Winner? St. Louis. Axel promises he will come back with a huge awesome new group of people to kick our asses. But we’re betting he won’t or even he does it will be like totally weak, and no one will care.

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Watch out Virginia Kerr, your spot at the top of the “cute TV news reporter” food chain might just be in trouble.  Yes, Kerr still has the KMOV crowd on lock, but the overall title isn’t quite the blowout it once was and what some people think it still is.

We always knew April Simpson from KTVI Fox2 was cute, but after her Twitter picture (below) flashed across our desktop the other day betwixt the other updates of the day, we might have mentally broken up with Kerr and moved to Team Simpson.

Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to talk with Virginia.  Unless you are Virginia, please turn away from  your screen.

Ok V, we’re alone now.

Virginia…we’ve had some good times haven’t we?

Look, its not you.  Actually its not me either. Its April Simpson. She’s attractive. That’s not either of our faults! Its completely out of our control, but that doesn’t mean I can ignore it.  Its like a tornado of hottness:  No one caused it, but at the same time you can’t ignore it because it breaks a lot of crap.  Also there’s a loud whistling sound, which doesn’t really come in to play here.  I’m just going to throw this out there too: I’ve started to wonder if  you’ve taken your title for granted.  Look at April, that’s a photo from someone thats putting in some work.  Your photos, are cute sure, but nothing you have on your Twitter account can touch this.  This is good for you V!  It’s competition, and that makes everyone raise their game.  Who knows, 6 months from now I could be back on your team.  Good luck to you!  …don’t cry.  Here’s a tissue.  …you know what?  Take the box.

Ok, turn back around  Its over.  The deed is done.

Local news is pretty rough to watch these days as the people in charge continue to claw at the walls of the well they keep falling down, but maybe I’ll start Tivo-ing the Fox 2 mid-day report…you know, just to keep up on the important things, like state fairs and…car wrecks?  …I don’t know what the hell they talk about on local news these days and I don’t care….which is where the mute button comes into play!

Come to think of it, how did you “hear” me write to turn back around to finish reading this?  Total dick move on your part.