What do local news reporters turn to when they need a story, but nothing’s going on in our fair city? Time and time again, they turn to grass. No, that’s not even being used as a term for marijuana…the horrible truth is we’re actually talking about grass. A news story about grass. Seriously. Again. You local news people are horrible. Can’t imagine why everyone but old and retarded people think your broadcasts suck.

First it was KMOV’s Brian Feldman (KMOV Reporter Watches Grass Grow in O’Fallon), but now it’s KSDK’s Ashley Yarchin (who’s visited Punching Kitty HQ before in an ill-fated KSDK report on this very site)…but Yarchin mentions the Cardinals so…you know…that makes her story about painting grass less pointless?

Lets break it down.

Here in St. Louis workers at Busch Stadium are preparing the ballpark for at least two games later this week.

Ok start, but lets wait for the thesis to drop…

The stencils for the logos on the grass that are specific to the Cardinals are made locally. But the ones for the post season are sent in by Major League Baseball.

Oh man that’s super interesting! Where do they get the spring training ones from?! We need to know that now that you’ve whet our appetite for pointless shit that doesn’t matter!

Wait, don’t answer that! Right now, we need to know how stencils work because apparently you think your audience is comprised of people that never took a 2nd grade art class.

The stencils are laid out and then the paint is brushed on. The paint is simply an exterior latex paint that you might use on your home.

But what about next week when the Cardinals aren’t in the NLCS! Won’t the field look stupid with all this paint on it! Paint doesn’t come off Ashley! Ahhhh! This story is so important we’re freaking out!

The paint lasts about one week, depending on how fast the grass grows and how often it is cut.

Oh thank god! Please update us every day with approximate growth rate until the grass is cut.

Painting grass is crazy exciting, so we’d understand if the people  you were doing this story on got a big head about it.

The men on the field doing the work are pretty humble about it.

So grounded. You don’t see much of that these days! Good to hear people that use stencils to paint grass don’t let that glamor go to their heads.

“We’re all fans, so we enjoy it and when you get down here, it just, nothing beats it. A lot of people will come by and look at what we’re doing and like it quite a bit,” said painter Gary Kargus.

“…but if you really want to see something, Jerry is hosing off the upper-deck bathrooms by the stand-alone nacho stand. That guy’s the real hero.”

via KSDK