Kenny Gooch was sitting on his front porch in Maplewood one day and while he was watching a few high school girls walk by he decided to whip his junk out and smack it around a little. Who’s gonna know right? You way up on this porch and they’re way over there down two steps and over on the sidewalk 5 feet away. It’s the perfect crime!

So perfect he did it twice.

To the same girl.

Possibly using a different hand, but that really doesn’t seem like a pertinent detail.

Police said Gooch was sitting on his front porch and committed the act while they were walking by, near Maplewood High School.

According to police, he did the same thing to one of the girls a week earlier. The girl told her parents about the first incident, but they did not call the police; however, they contacted police after the second incident and Gooch was taken into custody.

Good life lesson for your young daughter: Sure it’s gross, but lets not do anything until it happens _twice, _because that’s the magic number where horrible sexual acts directed at under-age kids becomes a problem. Only once? Walk it off. “What? You saw Mr. Gooch jerking it on his porch while you walked by?! Well! …if he does that again, we will certainly be forced  to call the police. The first time might have been a accident and the neighborly thing to do is not report it just yet.”

As for Gooch (this guy has the name of an extra from Porky’s, so there’s a part of us that wasn’t all that shocked by this story when we saw his name), he’s been charged with second-degree indecent exposure and three counts of sexual misconduct. However, as you can see above in his mugshot, he’s not sweating it. He’s got the look of a man saying to himself: “What should I have done here? Not masturbate as the 16-year-olds walked by? Maybe. But I didn’t, so whatever. Just one of those things ya know?”

via KMOV