Well, let’s do this CIS style:
Team: Mets. Possible culprits: 25
Since he is showering that day, it likely narrows it down to one of the ten players who appeared in Friday night’s game.
Race: White. Torres, Santana, Quintanilla – you’re out.
Penis status: circumcised (I’m looking at you, Ike Davis)
Pubes status: shorn. The penis is likely attached to an unmarried player who still feels as though he needs to impress the ladies
Height: Unknown, BUT we can see that the top of his penis stands at precisely 5.5 blue bricks from the ground, less 5 x 1 inch = 5 inches for the caulk (heh) between the bricks. Assuming these are painted cinder blocks, which run 8 x 8 x 16 inches, we can infer that his hips are 39 inches from the ground. The top of my own penis stands 36.5 inches from the ground, and at 5’11”, that runs at a ratio of 51.4% of my height. Extrapolating that ratio to 39 inches, our penissy pal likely stands approximately 6’3 and 3/4″.
Handedness: Left (in the video, the player can be seen to be carrying a towel in his left hand, and his right hand to be empty).
Discussion: We have on our hands a left-handed, caucasian, 6’4″ circumcised player from Friday night’s game.
Conclusion: The only caucasian, unmarried, left-handed throwing player from last night’s game was Ike Davis, who is unmarried, stands 6’4″ and is Jewish (i.e., likely circumcised).
TL;DR: IKE FUCKING DAVIS
Update #2: Deadspin has the actual aired video clip.